Hi Everyone!

just wanted to let you know I got one of the jobs I interviewed for last week!  Yay! 

Will hear about the other one at the end of the month....

cross your fingers for me, please!!!!

Ellamenno

My ADHD boyfriend and I dated for a little over a year before I ended things. I actually remember writing on these message boards, declaring it was over. 

Since our breakup, we've stayed in touch. At first, we didn't communicate for three weeks or so. Then, gradually, we started seeing each other once a week or once every other. At first, it was casual. However, it has since moved into conversations about getting back together, etc. Essentially, he has told me that he's gotten his life back together finally (after a year of chaos at a crappy job, location, etc.) and now wants to sure things up in this area of his life. This was one of the main reasons I broke up with him: because he couldn't manage his life and kept blaming me as the problem. 

I began seriously contemplating getting back together with him, despite how he's mistreated me in the past. However, he's beginning to act the same as he did before (i.e. not ever making me a priority). Since our talk, I haven't been able to get a hold of home via phone (for about 5 days). When he finally did call me back today, he said something to the effect of, "I don't know if I make enough money for you. I have a long way to go" because I asked him how his finances were the last time we spoke. Then, he said he was thinking about his life and what he wants out of it and that he is "definitely" relocating in the next several years. 

I just don't understand what happened in a week's time. He went from talking about getting back together (and kissing me, btw, unexpectedly - a romantic gesture) to basically avoiding me/shutting me out again. I think it's because I asked that question about his finances. Now, all of a sudden, he's not sure if I fit into his future plans.

I realize that the "relationship purgatory" I've put us in is not ideal. It's extremely confusing for him to be caring about someone but not dating them again (why he wants to get back together). But I can't get back together with him unless I trust him. And I can't trust him unless I see/talk to him.

So far what I see - I can't trust. But yet, he has a hold on me that I can't understand. I continue to let him treat me like I don't matter or that I'm not a priority - and I keep coming back for more. 

Help. I need advice. I am 28 years old, still young, but I would really like to meet the one. Sometimes I wonder if my ex is holding me back from that, and that he will never be the one either.

This is something my husband and I need some help/suggestions about.  Someone mentioned in another thread that my husband seems to do well when things are relatively calm (the way most of us NTs do) and when things take a chaotic turn he tends to spin in place without being able to get his bearings (also in a way that happens to many of us NTs when we are overwhelmed).  It is true that he basically has the same pattern a lot of us have, but the frequency, duration, and amount of outside help needed to resolve it seem very different.

A similarity I can see between when this happens to me and when this happens to my husband is that comfort and empathy and NOT adding anything to the plate of the overwhelmed person seem to be the best way to go.  For example when my grandmother was dying, my husband picked up the slack like a champ until I could deal with all the things having a slowly dying family member entails.  By the same token, my husband tends to get overwhelmed a lot more often and more easily than I do, therefore I try to step in and take over the things that I can until he can re-gather himself.  One issue that I have is that he is not that great at the re-gathering process, and when he is caving/avoiding/feeling a little down and I step in to help, it seems like he feels such relief that he wants to wallow in having the help when I need him to re-gather and get back to our regularly scheduled life.

Obviously this having the other one step in only works well when something is overwhelming one OR the other of us.  Sometimes we face things that are overwhelming to us both, and the other just isn't in a position to take on anymore. 

Here is where I see a real difference in the way we handle this. I have a much better sense of priority than my ADD husband (I read this is a common weakness for the ADD mate), so I can tread water pretty well and realize what to put on the back burner until I am at full strength.  Because my husband lacks this ability, if I am not there to walk him through the process and keep him feeling grounded (which I am just not up to for example when the problem is his family like it was recently), he just seems to spin in place until I am able to pull him out of it.

I really feel a necessary skill for him to develop is the ability to stop himself from spinning.  Have any of you had success in conquering this?  Recognizing that you are accomplishing nothing even if you are trying, stopping, taking whatever kind of deep breath is needed, and working your way out of the hole the overwhelm causes?

My husband's natural defense is to shut down and hole up.  Frequently while in his man cave, this is when the video games come out.  Now I don't mind this because I grew up being taught the Mars/Venus explanation of the man cave is that when the man gets overwhelmed, he goes into the cave in order to regroup and he will come out with a plan.  My husband NEVER comes out with a plan, and I wonder if I am not somewhat to blame in that I usually have to prod him out after what I feel is a reasonable period of time to caving/avoiding.  There comes a point where you have to get back to regular life, and if I am honest I am afraid if he is left to his own devices that he will never reach that point on his own.

Our life is such that while he is avoiding, things are coming in to do, therefore the longer he is in there the more behind he gets, and the result of this (as best as I can tell from observation and conversation) is more desire to cave/avoid because he is overwhelmed by being behind.  To be fair he keeps up with the bare minimum......he does his work, he cares for things on fire, but he cares for little/nothing that isn't actively on fire so there is all sits smoldering during these times.

Like I said, I think we have an OK system for when he is overwhelmed and I am not.......I can gently get him back on track.......sometimes if I am honest not so gently, but as long as I am not in the mire too, I can pull him out. 

He has infinite patience if (in Mars/Venus parlance again) 'my wave is crashing'.  I especially have a week every couple of months where I get hormonal affected overwhelm and he does FABULOUS at not stressing me out further.  He will take on things like all the cooking (he usually does 1/2) and maybe a little amount of extra cleaning, but basically I pull myself out my hole, whatever I got myself behind while I was in there is cleared up by me, and onward I move.

He seems to need a lot more of me to pull him out.  I would like the situation to be more like it is for him.....where my part of the equation would be just to help and support and know confidently he will bounce back, he will take care of what he is behind, and he will be his regular self.

For the past six years, I have been dealing with an ADHD spouse who cannot stay faithful to me.  The women I have found out about are all people he works with.  Honestly, I don't know how he latches onto these people (and how he hasn't been fired for sexual harassment).  The first time I found out because we got slammed by a massive phone bill due to excessive texting.  I saw that there was one number in particular he texted between 60-80 times a day, and sometimes at all hours of the night.  He was horrified when I confronted him, left work immediately to come home and talk to me, apologized up and down, swore he would stop immediately, etc.  I bluffed and said I saw the texts and he swore to me he was just teasing her about another coworker who was harassing her.  I believed him.  I was so naive.  

Since then, the same scenario has played out several times.  A different woman each time.  God knows how many women there have actually been, but I can count 6 different instances when I've caught him.  I am so embarrassed to admit this.  The things I have seen...the messages, the dirty pictures women have sent him, the lies upon lies upon lies...why have I stayed?  I was actually starting to feel better about our relationship lately.  Then I got into his car and found a birthday card he received from his latest affair.  

This card seemed different.  This card talked about true love.  It was not just a slutty 20-something sending dirty pictures.  He has said in the past--and continues to say--that he has never had sex with any of these women.  And I always clung to that and believed him.  Naive, I know.  But now I realize I can't believe a word he says.  Literally.  I cannot...believe...a word.

The pain was/is intense but after a few hours of private grief I realized that I could finally have the upper hand.  I was going to give him an ultimatum, the classic "her or me."  I felt a sense of relief, like, either way, there would be some movement this time and not this endless cycle of him latching onto some other woman, me finding out, him cutting her out, only to have me find out months later that he just picked up with someone else.

I confronted him with it last night.  I didn't even rage at him.   I told him that if he wants to be with her, then to just go and be with her.  But that if he wants to stay and commit to me then he has to cut off all contact with her.  

Then, the final blow:  he switched jobs 6 months ago, and he just hired this women to work in his new office.  I had actually talked to him a few weeks back about the hiring of this "new person."  He gave me a fake name and a fake background in describing her.  I moved from feeling that I had at least a tiny amount of power (forcing him to choose, once and for all), to feeling utterly hopeless and powerless all over again.  Even if I check up on all his electronic trails (and really, I'm nuts to think he can't find ways to conceal his indiscretions), he's still with her all day, every work day.  And then there's the massive problem that I can't believe anything he tells me.  Anything.

Ultimately, he told me that he loves me and our family but that we need help.  Of course we do.  I told him to find a therapist, make the appointment, and I'll go.  This is the first time either one of us has brought up counseling.  (If he actually follows through and makes an appointment that will be the first sign that he may be serious about this, since I have never been able to rely on him to handle these details.)  

I also told him that I hate myself for wanting him to choose me.  Why do I want him to choose me at all? When we have good times, it's really, really good.  And we have two amazing kids and I love our little family.  But I feel physically ill right now rereading my post.  And I've only provided the most basic details of this huge, sordid mess.  He has made a fool of me and mocked our marriage vows time and time and time again.

It looks like we'll do marriage counseling (if he makes the appointment).  But for one who lies so easily, how can I ever expect anything to change?  He admits that he has "issues."  And he says that we can fix these things and he knows we can be great again.  He seems willing to try.  He seems remorseful.  But he just left for work.  And she's there.

And I hate myself for staying.  For wanting to believe him.  For feeling like there may be hope for us after all.  

I am such a fool.