Hi everyone,

I was diagnosed with ADHD a few weeks ago, but I'm yet to be treated. I'm 32.

My life has been filled with turbulent relationships, particularly romantic relationships. 

Early this year I met an incredible partner online and we subsequently met in person, even though we were in a long-distance relationship. I had already been seeking answers to my troubles in life for a few years and was on an ADHD diagnosis waiting list when we met. We quickly came to understand that we were both sufferers, which drew us close. I have had many short and sharp dates and relationships where the other person cannot handle my ADHD symptoms, most notably my seeming inattention. So I felt understood and that I could unmask myself a little more than with anyone else when I knew she had an understanding of my issues.

Prior to this, I had been speaking online with another woman who I was close with, but for many reasons (including regularly investigating my social media for interactions with any women, however innocuous) was hot and cold for over a year. We never met because I didn't feel comfortable meeting. Unfortunately, I did not cut these ties when I met the ADHD partner, for reasons I'm not totally clear on. Perhaps I desired positive reinforcement. 

My new partner that I have been so happy to be with found out that I had been speaking with this woman, as she contacted her after seeing my interactions on social media.

I'm totally devastated that I have hurt people with my actions and broken the trust of someone who I care deeply about, and have probably lost my relationship with her. I'm ashamed and angry at myself I feel that I don't have control over such simple things as ending the conversation with someone who I don't even wish to communicate with anymore. I wanted to commit to my new relationship but somehow still managed to damage it. 

I feel like maybe I'm just a bad person and using ADHD as an excuse.

I'm confused about myself and what causes me to sabotage myself like this?

Hello,

I've just found this sight and am hoping for a little advice about my relationship. This will be a long post and I apologise for that.

My partner and I have been together for about 10 years. We have three gorgeous children. I love him dearly. He is kind and smart and patient.

We had long suspected that he had some kind of learning difficulty as he had little success at school or university and found it hard to build a career. A few years ago he realised he might have ADHD and while he was researching he also realised I probably did too, although we present very differently.

I received a diagnosis in 2021 and he got his earlier this year.

As I mentioned, we are very different. I run on adrenaline and tend to operate at a million miles an hour. I chose coaching over medication as I felt that right now I'm in a good place and I needed strategies. I have a tendency to push myself too hard and burn out periodically. I work full time, mainly from home, and do the majority of the domestic labour too. 
 

He hasn't worked for a couple of years and although he does a few regular domestic tasks, spends the vast majority of his time at his computer. I know his biggest ADHD challenges are task initiation and a chronic fear of failure that prohibits him from going for what he wants. He recently tried medication but had a bad reaction and so is untreated.

We are under significant financial pressure, never have enough money and I feel on the verge of tears often. I work so hard just keeping us afloat and try to be supportive of him and a good mum to our kids. I am constantly running right on the edge of my capacity. I am exhausted.

I love him very much and we get on really well. We share common values and he's a wonderful dad. But I am so tired carrying such a disproportionate load in our family. I understand how ADHD makes it so hard for him to be who he wants to be and have the life he wants. I don't want to make out that he is 'lazy' or 'doesn't care'. But the end result feels the same. 
 

I have my own struggles that are caused by my ADHD and my other diagnoses and if I'm honest I feel resentment that I still have to pick up the hard stuff that requires me to do all the things I actually really struggle with. 
 

I feel so close to giving up on this and keep fantasising about whether it would just be easier alone. Feeling constantly let down is so demoralising. I want us to work, but I feel hopeless. I don't have the energy to do anymore to help him, and he doesn't seem to be able to do more either.

I don't even know how to bring this to him because I worry he will shut down and see it as proof he is useless or stupid as he was told so often when he was young. He's none of those things. 

How can I save us? Any thoughts so welcome. 
 

Sending blessings 

hello -

My husband takes Fluvoxamine Maleate and Mydayis. Every month, he has an issue accessing his new prescription for Mydayis since it's such a controlled substance. For instance, he had to come back early from a family vacation because he could not get a couple of pills ahead of time to take with him. Most of the time, he runs out and then has a gap of a few days where he's scrambling to get that month's prescription and not feeling well in between. Most of it, I believe, is due to his executive functioning challenges in not being able to plan ahead. Does anyone have advice on how he/we may be able to manage his medication better? Thank you!

Hi everyone,

I would love to know what you think of this. I've been with my Husband for 10 years now. I came to realise ADHD could be an issue after some training from work (i'm a teacher). And from then on it became so obvious that I literally must have had my eyes shut the whole time. It also became apparent in his immediate family too. And I can vouch that this isn't something people 'grow out of'. He finally got a diagnosis a few years ago, but no more support/suggestions offered. He did some CBT which wasnt too helpful. He enquired into an ADHD specific therapist but then forgot all about it. 

I have read ADHD is often co-morbid, so I dont know if there's other things going on for him, but basically, my husband feels like two people.

I have a funny, entertaining, authentic, kind, loyal and sweet husband... he is around for a third of the time.

The other two thirds is made up of someone that can be controlling, selfish, unwilling, throws temper tantrums, moody, cannot negotiate/compromise, thinks everything in his head is accurate/ right (and so on). In fact, at times, i think he is so nasty, that if he didnt have ADHD, i'd think he was a horrible, toxic ****!

During what could be a minor disagreement, he will not hesitate to 'go for the jugular' right away... through his shouting, insults and general verbal attack. I can literally see in real time his inability to not think things through and impulsively react/over-react. But it is very hard to just sit there and take it.

I used to be a VERY passive and patient person.... but i dont know if life experience or age, or just having to deal with him has made me change, but I struggle to remain patient and calm these days. I suppose I am very tired of being pulled into these situations/ arguments, of nothing improving and of him taking NO responsibility whatsoever.

It's got to a point where he thinks I cry on purpose, and treats me accordingly. Its really horrible. 

I would say that most days we will bicker. And most weeks we will have a blazing row. Often over something stupid, like what i may or may not have said. Sometimes, i think i'm losing my mind or sense of self. I dont understand how i'm not recalling things that i apparently JUST said. I also find him to be VERY literal. If there were two ways of understanding something, he would definitely take the 'path least followed'. 

I'm not really sure what to do about things. I really love and enjoy the one side of him and I try to encourage this. I also appreciate that I have a part to play in things... i'm not looking to create 'perfect'.... but i'm exhausted and often dream of a life filled with peace and calm... and knowing what to expect.... some kind of consistency.

I've tried to explain all this over the years, and tried every technique i can think of- supportive, lets do it together, angry, upset, begging, given up, encouraging/praising! My husband truly thinks i'm at fault (until he doesnt and then he'll apologise). I've even offered to agree with him in the hope this will enact change. I've modelled seeing a therapist, reading self-help books/ articles, etc. Tbh, i'm all for positive change, no one is perfect, there is always stuff to learn/ grow from.

Basically, he comes across like he's two different people. And worse, he comes across like a toxic abuser.... sometimes he recogises he is at fault. He clearly gets upset about it and he says he is sorry, plans something (like therapy), and then forgets it all.... and REPEAT.

Also, if he does something wrong or against his own rules (yes he has a long list of things that need to be followed), he will 'tell himself off' so I dont have to!!! Yet if i didnt follow a 'rule', he will not stop going on about it.

Does this sound familiar? Or could it be something else along with ADHD?