I'm new here - stumbled across this forum when I was looking for ideas for living with a dependent spouse. 
I live with my husband who has ADD, depression, alcohol use and anxiety. We also have a child, who is struggling with anxiety, and probably has ADD too. I'm the glue that keeps our family together. I sometimes describe my life as having a 7 year old, and a grumpy petulant teenager who can't organise himself or anyone else, gets angry about not being able to find things, has no frustration tolerance, no problem solving skills and sulks if I try to have an adult discussion about how we can make things work better. 

I wonder why I stay. I think it's primarily because I know that my husband wouldn't cope without me. We've been together for 20 years and I've always kept everything running. I gave up my full-time job because I knew that our family wouldn't survive if we were both working full-time. I also felt like I couldn't leave while he was depressed but it's been over 10 years now, and I don't think I can do it anymore. I've asked him to leave a few times but he always refuses to go and it would be way too unsettling for our son if I moved out.

Apologies for the rant. It has made me realise that I do need to leave - it just takes a lot of courage to do that, and I'm worried about how our son will cope. I also worry about how my husband will cope and whether he will completely fall apart.

Would love to hear positive stories from people who have left a difficult ADHD relationship and where it's been positive for everyone involved or tips on helping children of parents with ADD. 

12 months ago I spoke with a friend who was diagnosed with ADHD, we spoke about his symptoms and it all made sense, maybe I had this mystical ADHD thing. Of my own volition, I seeked out a psychiatrist and was soon diagnosed. I seem to recall my wife was against me 'wasting the money', mainly because she was just as clueless about ADHD as I was - before that, I really had no idea about ADHD symptoms at all, I was clueless that I had it. - mainly my sense of underachievement was my reason to get officially diagnosed.  

Prior to diagnosise my marriage wasn't great, we had had relationship counselling a few times, which neither of us really stuck to the advice from. But I really didn't think that ADHD had played a huge role in our problems - my coping mechanism was to create lots of systems to manage everything. Our life was already full of to-do lists, whiteboards, post-its, shared calendars, reminders, multiple banking accounts with limited money in each, the lengthy sit-downs to plan our weeks, months and years ahead. My wife was admittedly sick of my 'over planning' and it was cause for a LOT of arguments.... 

We also had problems over the years with my impulsivity - when we were younger it was occasional binge drinking, but in my older, fathering years, it's more been about deciding to stay up late with my son to play games or spoiling him with new toys, or blowing the shopping budget and getting lots of high-quality foods (in my defense, I used to be a chef, I think this is less an impulse and just a preference). 

So when I got diagnosed, I was like "Holy crap, HOLY CRAP!"  - I was just doing all of what I was doing, what I was making us do, that was just my brain's way of coping! For me, it was cause for celebration, the more I read, the more I realised that I was doing most of what was recommended - and now I could narrow in on how I could make my wife OK with my annoying habits and we would be the happiest, most loving, collaborative and most productive family in the world! 

But my wife has gone the other way... she has gone into a deep state of depression, anxiety and is angry at not just me, but at friends, family & life. 

She is obviously dealing with grief - but instead of sharing that with me, communicating with me, she has steadily cut down our communication, our collaboration and our joint decision making. She's gone into full recluse - she decided one night a few months ago she wasn't going to sleep in the same bed anymore, and in the past 4 weeks, she wont even talk with me - we are strictly on a text message communications. 

the problem here: In my mind (and according to my psychiatrist and ADHD coach), I have dealt with all of the ADHD symptoms I am aware of that affect our marriage.

But according to my wife, I am broken still and my ADHD is the "cause of every single problem that we have or ever had" - she told me those exact words only a few hours ago, right after she told me that I am doing nothing to treat my ADHD, that I need to up my medication (I am on a very high dose and I am already booked in to see the Dr again..), and that if I "died right now she wouldn't care" 

I REALLY don't know what to do anymore - I am doing everything I can in the physiological and behavioural legs (Mel's 3 leg stool anaology), but I am 100% flying blind on the interactions leg - I do not know what I am doing that is causing this kind of anger response, I have no way to communicate, and I am seriously sick of the angry bursts from her, and the threats to get a divorce...

the only response I get when I ask her what I need to be doing is "Fix your ADHD" or "Stop denying your ADHD is the problem" 

We've done the ADHD couples seminar, we've had Melissa tell my wife point blank "you need to control your anger response" and "the stool only stands up if there's three legs" - but my wife STILL turns around to me and says things like "you are the reason for my anger, nothing else" or "I will only talk to you when I see you are taking steps to improve your ADHD" 

Even when it came to doing the seminar and activities, she refused to collaboratate - the only thing she gave me during the whole program was a few lines in a text: "your symptoms to fix: Impulsivity, Inability to prioritise, Inability to deal with stress" 

- No suggestions on HOW to improve 

- Just forcing me to get more drugs - not suggesting how that might help

- No longer communicating with me or giving me any feedback (unless it's in an angry outbursts about increasingly petty things, or where we have a difference of opinion eg. the order in which to prepare a meal) 

I love my wife, but she's in a dark place - she's either gaslighting me, or I am a total nutcase and really don't realise the shit that I do to her - in which case, I am still flying blind. None of my friends, family or people close can suggest what I am "supposed" to fix, and she's told them point blank to stay out of it. We're seeing an ADHD specialist couples counsellor, I really hope this will improve things - but it feels like too little, too late... either way, I am almost certain that my wife is not going to get any treatment for herself (she refused to get proper treatment for post-natal, I don't see why treating her anger is going to be any different). 
Sure, there's two sides to the story - but getting my diagnosis was the worst thing that ever happened to me - 

My stool is lying flat on the ground here - seriously feeling trapped and considering filing for a seperation. I really wish my wife would see the story from my side. 

PS - we live a really fulfilled life, and we've built it around most of her goals - we have her family living with us who we emigrated here from overseas (at our joint expense), we have our dream home, our son is healthy and happy, and she has a very succesful career that allows her a lot of flexibility (and me too)... she's not been enjoying life for a long time, ADHD just feels like the best thing for her to blame. 

bah.... 

I am a 38-year-old male. I have been with my partner for over 7 years. Together we have 4 kids, two from us, and two from her prior marriage. In December of 2019, I was officially diagnosed with ADHD by my primary. Since then, I have been on Lexapro and Amphetamine. Since being on the medication, the side effects really started to take a toll on me. I am talking major mood issues, irritability, perseverating, emotional outburst, and major emotional disregulation. In the more recent months of this summer. I was self-medicating with alcohol. Mainly hard seltzers, about 4-5 a night during the week. I didn’t do it to get drunk, I did it to balance out the medication. Never did it in front of my kids. The week of October 8th, my stepson aged 14 and I got into it. He called me a retard and fagot. On Friday, while out of the house, several events were occurring that started to bring to a point where I felt uneasy. My partner invited her friend over because she couldn’t go out (which I knew). She then left for 3 hours with her friend. Upon coming home, they purchased a movie with my credit card ( I only knew because it came from amazon). I was upset and sad on the movie. The movie they choose was not only one that we have watched every year together, but a movie we own (so why buy it if we had it). At this point I was very sad, abandoned and left out. I was sleeping in my car for the night as I had no where to go. I woke up around 12:50 am cold and saw that the friend was still at our house. I was now livid, here I was cold and shivering and my partner and her friend are doing whatever. I storm up the driveway and come in the door. I immediately went to the friend (who’s married) and said “why are you still here? go back to your husband”) Me and her exchanged several unkind words to each other, she was saying things she had no business saying or knew). She got up from the couch and came at me and I pushed her away in defense, not to harm but away. She fell back on the couch, got up again and my partner said “no” stood in front and I ended up pushing both back on the couch. This instantly triggered my partners PTSD (her ex was removed from the house and found 6 counts of domestic on him 7 years prior (not once did I ever put my hands on my partner or thought about it). Her friend asked should she call the cops and my partner lightly nodded her head. I sat on the couch and waited. Cops came, spoke, and then was arrested. I was fingerprinted, photographed, and released on $100 bail.

I was disgusted in myself. I kept replaying that in my head. I said who the heck was that. I was present but I felt like I wasn’t in control of my behavior. Even though my attempts at getting a psychiatrist the last two weeks failed, I had to do something. I couldn’t be like this anymore, be a danger to the person I am supposed to protect and love. I called the crisis hotline to get help, they saw that I was seeking such, so they recommend me to go to the ED.

So I checked myself into the hospital and was placed inpatient in the psych ward. I was then moved from the observation ward to the inpatient stay. I was there from October 9th-to October 19th. The doctors and social workers wanted me off the Lexapro and Dextroamphetamine asap as that seem to be the root cause. I attended groups, journal, finished two books (I haven’t read since college), did a puzzle (I could never sit still long enough to do that when on meds). My mind was becoming clearer without the medication I was on. Medication that was supposed to help me harmed me.

I thought about that night every day while inside. I thought about the person who I was, what I became. I didn’t like it.

My Dr. and I planned to do an IOP once discharged as well as get a neurological psychological test done. Basically a test where my behavioral, cognitive and executive functions are tested. I have also stopped drinking and have been sober almost a month this coming Tuesday. I have been cleaned of my prior medication and starting (per the doctor, on Wellbutrin on Monday).

My partner has been in shock for the last few weeks, and now is in the anger stage. Nothing I can do can erase what happened or why it happened. I can only try and provide an understanding of it medically. I do not condone any kind of unwanted physicality on anyone, especially woman. I am doing this not only for myself, but for my partner, and our family. I don’t want to go back to the old me, I want to be a new me. Someone who is properly medication managed, someone who wants to right all the wrongs.

Its def been very emotional as I am currently staying with my sister. My little ones keep asking when I am staying for good, and it breaks my heart every time. My partner wants to make sure she feels safe enough to have me back in. Currently I have been there when she was there. I have asked if she felt scared and she said no. I am not a person who gives up. I understand her feeling and emotions with it, I do. What I want to do is show her that I am becoming better, showing that I am going down the right path in getting the necessary care needed so that one day she will feel safe.

I am just scared that she won’t want to continue because of the thought of me getting physical with her in any way. I have no intention of ever relapsing to that old person, the person who was self-medicating and improperly managed. I just hope she can see that it wasn’t me that night and how awful I feel and guilty and that this will be something I carry forever. I am not ready to give up. She hasn’t given me a time frame she things that will be and thought of not being there during Christmas morning, waking up seeing my girls faces kills me.

Has anyone come back from something like this with there non-adhd partner?

This is my first post, and to be honest, I'm ready to pack my bags after eight years with my ADHD boyfriend. 

He has always been pretty oblivious to his own actions around women and even early in our relationship, would get distracted by other women and unconsciously flirt with them, while COMPLETELY ignoring me. I never dated a guy that did that so I was somewhat amused but also annoyed, but I didn't see it as the red flag that it is. Or really, after more heightened instances of this, we would fight, he would do a charade of mopping, and then we would resume our tedious lives together. Is all of this disrespectful behavior even ADHD? The ADHD spouse group I am in says yes. 

Yesterday, he trained a woman that I actually work at my own place in a job that he works on the side to supplement his woodworking income. I am friends with this woman but I don't know her well, we are just friendly at work and then she joined me and him for some food and drinks after an event last week. Anyway, they spent the day together driving around so that he could show her what the everyday tasks were like. After, they drove back to where she had originally parked that morning and they decided to get dinner. He called me last minute to see if I could join but I still had to walk the dog and get ready, and the drive was still 20 minutes away. Since I am in the midst of applying for grad school, I decided to stay home. 

Since he's just alone with her and also bringing me home food, I assume he'll be home in a relatively reasonable time. He ends up calling me almost three hour later, and then comes home thinking it was perfectly fine to have a long and leisurely dinner with drinks with my female coworker without me. And he probably paid because he's inclined to do so, so essentially they went on a date. I briefly told him how inappropriate it was on both of their parts and he made a bunch of excuses while also apologizing. What angers me is that his choices show such a deep lack of respect for our relationship. Like, an hour together tops is fine, but almost three hours? Honestly, I'm so disgusted by his lack of judgment and I don't even know what to think about my friend - who was also married at one point and should know better. I eventually made him sleep on the couch though he was sleeping peacefully before that like I hadn't just yelled at him when he got him. 

I don't trust him, mostly because he's demonstrated poor judgement in the past in regard to making decisions that either pulled him further into compromising scenarios or not. I know the dinner was entirely innocent but months of long days together and three hour dinners here and there is exactly how affairs begin. I almost can't believe how foolish he is except that I know him and have seen him gravitate towards specific women in our friend groups like they are playing the flute.

I feel like I'm living with a 15-year-old boy. He didn't even fully understand when I explained to him just how inappropriate it was. They probably spent 11 hours together in total. And even today, he said that he was sorry but he really needs help with his side business and that she has the specific training he hasn't been able to find for years. While that is true, its just another layer of respect for me. I'm so hurt but I'm also done with us because, as you can imagine, there are many, many other serious parts of our relationship that are really problematic. I am trapped right now due to finances so I don't know if maybe I can sleep in the living room till I can move out. The only reason I haven't broken up with him in the past is that my family is abusive and I don't have them to help me through a transition away from him.