Anyone have experience with this perfect storm of ADHD, addiction and anxiety? My husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and is on medication. He's been struggling with tobacco addiction (and hiding it from me/lying about it) for several years. We've been having serious marital turmoil for the last six months (related to adhd and tobacco use) and during this time he's started medication for anxiety, and - as I learned last night - an alcohol dependency. He has disappointed me so many times and frustrated me to no end but now I'm stuck in a position where I can't help but help him and feel bad for him. I still love him very much and I want him to be well but it's so hard balancing that with how angry I am with him. We're in our early thirties with no kids yet. I just don't think I can have kids with this man, and I know I want kids, but I don't see how that can work well. I'm feeling so confused and lonely about all of this. 

Hi, I posted this a while ago on another Forum when things were particularly bad... We are getting back there again. I would like some opinions on whether the community think my wife has ADHD? She is a teacher and is starting to think she has ADHD. I also think a lot of her behaviours fit. 

I have been with my now wife for 11 years. (Married for 5) She moved in 8 years ago when her shower stopped working. I renovated her place and she sold it. I am very patient, but as the saying goes "Beware the fury of the patient man... "

Some years ago we almost split because of her anxiety apparently causing her to be lax with chores and I mean I came back from working overseas to find piles of clothes and rubbish everywhere. She's always had an excuse. Some perfectly valid at a point in time. I really wasn't sure but her mother was terminally ill and I thought I might regret it so I popped the question whilst having all of these unresolved issues.

5 years on we have a 3 year old son who I spend most time with because she's always got a migraine or feels sick or has worse period pain than any other woman has ever experienced. She has pulled away from her friends it would seem to me because she genuinely doesn't care about other people. Her family are competing to see who has the worst mental health. Her Dad is constantly putting us down when I am out of ear shot, her brother is a recluse and her sister has a superiority complex. I'll quite often take my son places but my wife won't take him anywhere without me. She talks about the possibility of having a second child, all the while I'm thinking she spends no time with the first and I sure as hell didn't sign up for being a lone parent as it seems I am most of the time. The thought of a second child fills me with dread, as does a lot of tasks as I know i'll get no help or I have to spend soo much time tidying before I can start. 

I work from home and get my son up in the morning, fed and dressed ready for her dropping him at day care on her way to work. I pay all the bills and have to chase her to pay half of home improvements etc. and she isn't short of cash. She has a 6 figure sum from inheritance etc. Even the things you would expect  a woman to have some interest in, like having some thoughts about decor I have been left to do and pay for. 

She comes home, insults my cooking and then just watches Netflix or works and doesn't do any chores unless I shout at her. She does wash her own work clothes and some of my son's stuff whilst I am out with him on a Sunday.

Every major argument has been about her apathy towards everything and nothing ever changes or if it does it's for the shortest of time and then back to me resenting her for the way she treats the house that I have tried so hard to make our home.

Despite all of this we still have our moments.

My feeling at the moment is that I can't live like this for much longer. I have tried every approach from subtle hints, doing things for her. I once lost it after soooo many hints and her insulting retort,  I slammed a door so hard that the glass in it smashed. I have been to the point of leaving the house to walk in front of the express train. I don't want to do this as I love my son, but didn't sign up for this and I genuinely think she would be more upset if the internet went off.

Will she ever get it together?  Or do I need a way out?

Hi everyone, 

I'm new to this forum and I've come here because my marriage and life are spinning out of control. I am Autistic (diagnosed as an adult) and my partner is suspected ADHD, on a waiting list for evaluation. It took us a long time to figure out our respective neurological differences, and over 13 years, a lot of damage has unfortunately been done to both of us. His struggles with executive function are always put above my own (more severe )ones; his tendency to create what I experience as chaos (no plans, no consistency, no sticking to commitments, disrupting my plans) directly confronts my need for order; and the alternation between cold distance and explosions of anger (which can trigger my PTSD) are really hard. Over more than a decade, I feel like I have had to live his life for him: earn the vast majority of the money, make all the strategic decisions, make sure he stays employed, finishes tasks, does personal hygiene, etc, with little or no support for my own disability or affection to nourish me.  While I am working day and night to understand and accomodate my own disability (not least by trying to connect more effectively with him, exercising patience and non-judgement, educating myself about ADHD, doing tons of therapy to figure out how to support him) he seems to be refusing to take any steps to address his situation or to support me. Over the years, he has isolated me from friends and support networks by resisting my efforts to connect with others. He also blames me for the abuse and ableism, including (financial, emotional, psychological) exploitation and manipulation, that unfortunately many Autistic people face when we engage with others. The strain of this is hard on anyone, but for an Autistic person (for whom emotional and social labour is especially hard) it is almost impossible. He has not been able or apparently willing to implement even the most basic accessibility needs I require in order to be healthy (e.g. not moving my phone and computer, which can cost me an hour to find, not touching me unexpectedly or shining bright lights near me). My health is failing, and I have had to visit hospital a number of times for illnesses caused by stress and exhaustion. 

I am a professional with training in trauma and I would normally advise anyone who told me this to consider all options, including leaving the relationship. However, I am struggling to differentiate what feels like almost constant abuse and gaslighting from what might be attributable to ADHD symptoms. My partner is a kind person at heart and does not fit other aspects of the profile of an abuser. I can't survive much longer this way, but I am faced with a seemingly impossible situation of continuing to live with someone who refuses to change (even to protect my health) and being completely alone as a disabled woman in her mid-30s who will most likely never be able to find another partner, let alone one who accepts her as an Autistic person (as a group, we face serious discrimination, ostracization and violence). 

I would really appreciate any thoughts, even if just to know that I am not alone. 

A note: please be aware that the internet is not in general a safe place for Autistic people, and we get attacked, belittled, undermined, abused and confronted with ableism often. I would really appreciate your replies, but please do not question my diagnosis (yes, many Autistic people do write! I am a professor who has published multiple books :)),  blame me based on false but common stereotypes (e.g. that Autistic people 'lack empathy' - I have hyper-empathy); suggest 'cures' (Autism is not a disease) or anything else to do with my being Autistic. I don't mean to come across as hostile or defensive, but after years of abuse and ableism I need to be careful and to ask up front for your understanding.

Thank you! 

Boundaries are typically misunderstood as something you place on others...That is true to a degree, but, that kind of thinking will fail more often than not....Most people struggle with boundaries, because they create situations in life, that most of us do not want...Selfish people, or people who want their way in certain area' s of life, will not like boundaries....When we consider marriage relationships, we think about freedom, (naked and unashamed) we think about things (words) like life partner, helper, lover, provider, security etc....Boundary isn't typically one of our go to thoughts..:)

I have to come to realize in my own life, and by reading here for several years, that most non's do not like, or know how to enact a boundary. Why would we? We didn't get married to place boundaries on ourselves....Like I said, we think freedom! But, if we have married someone incapable, or unwilling, (or both) to share themselves (their energy, their attention, their bodies, responsible behaviors) in a responsible manner, then that's a real problem.....

Being a single parent is much easier in most area's of life, than being married to a spouse whom you can't trust to perform the daily routine tasks that a spouse and parent must do, for life to move peacefully and uneventfully along...(The single parent can plan, and at least know's what to expect) Boundaries are effective when we place them on ourselves, and then muster the discipline to see them through (no easy task)....If done properly, boundaries will have a positive effect on limiting chaos, conflict, and reducing anxiety. And over the long haul, it will produce personal growth, and teach us what is possible between the two of us...

Most boundaries will need to be fixed, Although some can be flexible. (it all depends on you and your spouse, and your situation)....Setting boundaries needs to start in the trouble area's of our relationships....Anytime there is a high probability of intrusive or abusive behaviors, we need boundaries....Example for us....Our biggest problems are...Control...My wife (thinks like a single person) will just blurt out her plans like she is single...She takes no thought of her husbands role in her life, most of the time....This effects many things....(travel/vac., sharing in finance's,) It also indirectly effects my emotions....My main boundary is to accept her....There is no other choice, but to attempt to control her...lol...So my emotions, the way I speak to her, and treat her has to be kind, and loving, or I walk away....I don't have to be ugly to get her attention....Just the opposite, love and kindness does the work, along w/ the boundary...She has to meet certain life requirements, (accountability) because I also have a boundary to not enable or mother her...

Setting boundaries on ourselves will always effect our spouses (sooner or later)...It's fools gold to think we can set boundaries on another person...The only way to effect someone's thinking, feelings, and behaviors, is by what we allow ourselves to engage in...If I refuse to tolerate dysfunction by not engaging it, verbally, or behaviorally, then it doesn't effect me for the most part...

We are also all human, and we have those area's in our own life where we may be easy prey. We like to defend them by saying things like..."Well, this is how it is suppose to be" Or, we may say things like " Well, the bible say's this is what a wife/husband, or marriage should be like?" ....The facts are, many times we are right in principle, but, the disposition can get very wrong...And again, no matter what is right, I can send my own self to emotional hell, full of anger and anxiety, preaching to an unconcerned soul about what is suppose to be happening between us....WOW, Who's the looser here?....People who are victims (users) will look to manipulate where they see weakness....My wife used sex to manipulate me for years, until I gained the strength to not allow it to happen...Now it's her pursuing me many times...Be strong!...Recognize & Work on your own weaknesses, and you will see it change your spouse.....

We all need to understand who we are, mentally, emotionally, physically, and most of all Spiritually....It's very difficult to navigate life when we are well and stable, it's impossible when we are sick, and refuse to accept it....The first sign of self blindness, is blame and denial.....Not all blame and denial relates to add minds....

Find Peace and Pursue it....

Blessings 

c