Hi Everyone, 

I'm sad to find you all here and also relieved. My husband for years claimed he had ADHD but unfortunately I was not educated on the symptoms and assumed that he did not. I've read everyone's posts and it's like reading your life through the lens of so many other people. We only verified this diagnosis when my son was recently diagnosed with AdHD (inattentive) this past 2 months in middle school and now that we know what he has then it validates my husband's diagnosis... reading about adult adhd checks off everything we've encountered in 14 Year of marriage.

I plan on doing a lengthier posts as at the moment like all of your I'm juggling multiple roles but wanted to post this here. I'm somewhat in and out of crisis mode and I work a full time job (fortunately from.home) as a BI manager, full time in school, managing my kids very busy schedule (top.private schools, pre professional ballet, swimming, mandarin on weekend you name it were in it) and tutoring them after school, cooking and cleaning.. the list goes on... anyhow I'm finding there are not that many resources for adults with adhd unless it's private practice. Fortunately for my son I found him a great program at ucsf that were on the waiting list for (6for resources for adults. I found a few that are pricey... 3-4k diagnosis and $400 per appt that look extremely promising but wanted to see how you guys go about finding resources. I'm willing to telehealth and we have blue cross blue shield and was hoping to find an insurance option that doesn't just prescribe meds. My husband self diagnosed and got Adderall from his doctor 2 years ago and it was a nightmare in our house and I only found out he was taking it after I went through his things because he was more erratic than before. He stopped his meds and he is high performing at work as an entrepreneur but its all the other stuff that I deal with in regards to emotional availability and being present etc. Fortunately I am type A and patient and really have a desire to make this work. I love him, we have a lot in common in all the best ways but it's a Rollercoaster at times. It only comes up maybe every 5/6 months because of my.professional background in process improvement and automation (technical minded) I've created a scaffold around our situation where it limits the possibility of a flare up but they do happen once or twice a year. When it does it's bad... it last for 2 to 3 weeks and the tension is visceral.. guess my post is much lengthier than I originally intended.. but yeah I'm just worried about finding him.the right help because honestly I don't even know how someone with adhd can get help because I'm finding a hard time just getting him help. I've even considered changing careers and figuring this out since my son will have to deal.with this his entire life. Anyhow sorry for the lengthy post but really just trying to find out what you guys have tried, I'm planning on signing up for the couples seminar here in January and seeing if anyone here has done that.. what have you guys done and how did you find these resources private practice or insurance. months out with Dr. Sanford Newmark) but I'm looking for resources for adults. I found a few that are pricey... 3-4k diagnosis and $400 per appt that look extremely promising but wanted to see how you guys go about finding resources. I'm willing to telehealth and we have blue cross blue shield and was hoping to find an insurance option that doesn't just prescribe meds. My husband self diagnosed and got Adderall from his doctor 2 years ago and it was a nightmare in our house and I only found out he was taking it after I went through his things because he was more erratic than before. He stopped his meds and he is high performing at work as an entrepreneur but its all the other stuff that I deal with in regards to emotional availability and being present etc. Fortunately I am type A and patient and really have a desire to make this work. I love him, we have a lot in common in all the best ways but it's a Rollercoaster at times. It only comes up maybe every 5/6 months because of my.professional background in process improvement and automation (technical minded) I've created a scaffold around our situation where it limits the possibility of a flare up but they do happen once or twice a year. When it does it's bad... it last for 2 to 3 weeks and the tension is visceral.. guess my post is much lengthier than I originally intended.. but yeah I'm just worried about finding him.the right help because honestly I don't even know how someone with adhd can get help because I'm finding a hard time just getting him help. I've even considered changing careers and figuring this out since my son will have to deal.with this his entire life. Anyhow sorry for the lengthy post but really just trying to find out what you guys have tried, I'm planning on signing up for the couples seminar here in January and seeing if anyone here has done that.. what have you guys done and how did you find these resources private practice or insurance.

My wife of 14 years was diagnosed with ADHD about 9 months ago.  Undoubtedly it's a familiar story for many here: impulsive spending, stopped working, parent/child relationship, etc. 

After her diagnosis things were supposed to improve; the medication would help and she would get the tools to change her life.  It hasn't happened and instead she hyper focuses on things she wants to do to the detriment of all others (chores, children, etc.).  

As the only income source my anxiety is always a 10 and I have a high stress job (portfolio manager).  I come home and it's always chaos which I cannot handle (very process oriented).  Today I received notification that a bill wasn't paid and we were being sent to collections. 

When I ask how do we stop this from happening her response is "I can't say it won't happen; my brain doesn't work like that".  

Honestly I think that's it for me.  An inability to try and improve and overcome this condition is the last straw.  What good is having a diagnosis if nothing changes?

Anyway I'm sure this board gets lots of these posts and it isn't your problem I just wanted other people's perspective before I leave the ring on the mantelpiece.  

Thanks for reading this and if you have ADHD and are trying to improve thanks and good job.

Hi! I am new to this community!

My husband has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and everything has clicked into place. We have a typical ADHD marriage with all the issues. Now we know this I have been reading all the articles and books, listening to all the podcasts, joined a support group and have been looking for a couples therapist.

It seems like it isn't enough for him though. We have talked about separation (I instigated it) but now I understand the ADHD I no longer want this. One day we are great, super happy, and be recognises that our issues revolve around his ADHD, and the next he is saying I have 'worn him down' with our parent/child dynamic and our relationship is toxic and he wants to leave. It is so confusing for me. I am trying to hard to save this, for the sake of the love that we share but also our 2 year old.

How can I get through this? 

My ADHD wife left me and our adopted four year old child about nine months ago.  I'm not sure what else I could have done during our 8 year marriage to make her "happy", in the spirit of making our marriage work  (at her request) I left my career and friends on the east coast to start a family here in the Pacific northwest, moved my elderly mom out here a few years after that and then we adopted an incredible newborn girl who is the light and joy of both our lives.  For 8 years I had been doing the lions share of the housework, we've never been able to talk about money or budget (I managed all the finances for the move, the house, all the bills, the adoption etc) and always had to remind her of when it was time to leave the house because we were notoriously late for everything.  the kitchen was always a mess, she insisted on a housekeeper, even when I got laid off (thanks pandemic) and realized we couldn't afford it.  She insisted on so much, all the time.  She wasn't diagnosed with ADD until the 7th year of our marriage, and I think the adderal put the final nail on our sex life and any attempts at empathy.  She started staying up until 3am on her laptop doing work and pretty much ignored me except to make her needs known.  I had always felt like I was the one who had to make repairative work on our relationship after a fight.  She would just be sad and play victim, or she would be spiteful and cruel when we were alone.  The enthusiastic woman I dated in NYC was gone. Usually, eventually I would find some way to win her over again. But that's not the kind of relationship that would make anyone happy.  I was determined to do everything I could to make it work -- it's just my nature and probably what made me a good target.  It wasn't an easy marraige but we had good moments and we both invested lots to make this life. At least that's how I looked at it.

I'm not sure why she did what she did.  She says she just changed her mind about me after a particularly bad Christmas fight, and that she wanted to explore her feelings for a coworker.  We separated but lived together (thanks, pandemic) and I asked her not to date anyone while she was here because I couldn't handle seeing her that... She agreed but then one night looked me in the eye and said she was going out to have drinks with friends.  Came back at 3 in the morning and admitted the friend was the guy she wanted to date.  She moved out a few months later, one Monday all of her stuff was gone.  Our daughter had trouble understanding and processing what happened but that kid is amazing and has bounced back and accepted having two homes much more quickly than anyone else.  To say this has been unfair to an adopted four year old is quite the understatement. 

I was miserable throughout most of the marriage. I had moved away from my friends, my mom had to go into a retirement community because my wife would not allow her to live with us and the few months she did were hell.  I ended up seriously depressed.  Isolated and alone.  We were in constant therapy (my wife is a social worker and therapist!) But I always felt like she used that time to complain about how stressed out she was regarding our marriage, but she didn't actually do the work once the session was over. Everything was my fault because she could not take the responsibility of being wrong.  Have you ever tried to do non-violent communication with someone who just interrupts you and gets super defensive at any perceived slight?  It takes an incredible amount of patience.  She might be more NPD than ADHD.  Honestly, I don't care anymore.  The only things that ever worked in our marriage was me setting boundaries.  Before we moved out here when she was hyperfocused on making me think she was someone other than who she actually turned out to be, I feel like I was hoodwinked.  

Now that she has moved out (about 6 months ago, the transition took her a long time) my life is taking such a positive turn.  Things are organized again, I have a balanced budget -- in spite of the fact that she left me with a mortgage and a mountain of debt.  Eventually I will need to sell this house, I've kept it so that my daughter will have someplace familiar to call home, but it is more house than we need.  My daughter and I have the best time together and I'm finding my old self is still there under all those years of self doubt and anger and frustration.  We are finding a new life together and it is great fun.  I've reconnected with old friends, found a new fulfilling job and I'm even thinking of starting to date again.  At 50!

I guess I'm writing here because I've read so many similar stories and wanted to add my own experience.  The only things that ever helped me feel better were setting boundaries, and reading what you all have also been through.  I hope this helps anyone out there suffering.  Now that I'm on the other side I look back and wonder what I was thinking.  I would gladly handle anything to make life better for my daughter -- she is the light and joy of my life, but it is obvious now that she will do fine as long as I am able to give her stability.   although I don't enjoy watching her mother spiral into her mental health problems, it is not my problem to deal with that anymore and my job is to be dependable and a good father to my sweet girl.  It is all so much simpler and in perspective now. Life is too short to waste on people will likely never be able to show appreciation or empathy.  I wish you all peace and happiness. Thanks for reading, I wrote a lot more than I intended!