Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • What to do?!?!? by: Neuchatel81 3 years 4 weeks ago

    The relationship with my spouse has deteriorated to the point that he frequently does not recall what I say (insists I said something that I did not), and also frequently does not recall what he said ("I never said that" and "you are lying"). It is now easier for me to say nothing rather than being accused of attacking him nearly every time I speak. If I am quiet and not talking "I must be angry with him", but if I say anything then I am criticizing him. After near 39 years of marriage, I have attempted multiple ways of dealing with this situation, but this has worn me down to a very thin edge to the point that I want to crawl under my bed and never come out again. His anger is now on a trigger point and he can go from calm to screaming angry in 2 seconds (very scary).

    I am having a counseling session (for myself) today, and wonder if I should just pack it in. Spouse insists he wants to work on relationship, but it appears he is only willing to say it and not do the work involved (this happened multiple times over the weekend when he apologize for overreacting to something I said, but then 10 minutes later did the same thing). I realize he is under much work related stress, but I am falling apart. I feel as if I can do all I can to improve the situation, but if he is not willing to even do ANY of the work, then my efforts are really wasted.

    He has encumbered our Equity Line to the maximum to save his business, and my name is on the account. Due to the account nearing maturity, the minimum payments will increase dramatically in a few months, and I know his business cannot make those payments in addition to making a contribution to the household. My income will not cover all of the household expenses. I have attempted to discuss this with him over several months, but each time there is a work related emergency that delays the discussion. If I could walk away and take my name off the house and Equity Line, then I would do so. It is simply not worth worrying about what I know he will NOT do. Maybe that is the answer to my question in the beginning.......

  • Listening and communications skills by: forfolk 3 years 1 month ago

    As my ADHD partner and I have been sort of haltingly preparing to have a common future, it seems to happen increasingly that I have brought up topics that should be mutually discussed, and he doesn't seem to be hearing me (there's no response indicating "I agree", or "I disagree", "I need more information", or "I don't really care" etc. and he persists in whatever course of action or inaction was ongoing with regard to the topic) or very often he asks a question that makes it clear he doesn't recall information or an opinion I gave when we discussed the topic before.  

    Or maybe he just doesn't like my opinions or trust the credibility of my information, and he's trying to be nice not to say so; he often feels a need to seek out and wait for independent opinions and it doesn't work out well when he doesn't get them--for example it took ages to choose a color of paint that was at least agreeable to both of us, and then I heard him say recently that he doesn't like it, and for other aspects of the house he is researching professional designers to ask. In general my opinions about the aesthetics of the house seem to be ignored and that may be a hangover of sort of an implicit contract he had with his ex, who apparently always left the decisions about the house and furniture to his researching credible sources.

    Anyway, when I don't seem to be heard, I'm just never really sure what is due to his forgetting/inattentiveness due to ADHD, vs. what is due to things he feels he should be the one to decide or I'm not the one to decide, and maybe we don't have a common understanding about that latter category. The problem is that when I think it's the former, I try different ways to talk about the topic so that it's more likely he'll understand why I think it needs his/our attention, and then I get complaints about repeating myself or hear that I'm overwhelming him. He quoted his therapist as agreeing that when I do this, I may be bringing up undesirable memories of his childhood, when anxious and unloving parents were often dumping on him. 

    I'm trying to be really choosy about what I bring up, only things that I feel are really important (just giving in without discussion on things he seems to feel strongly about, such as the length of his commute) and trying to be increasingly careful about when and how I say anything so I am less likely to raise his defenses, but we do actually need to have some discussion about big and little things, aspects of the place we will be living together and how we will pay bills and the need to have some savings for emergencies. I am trying hard to avoid parent-child dynamics and I don't want to shoulder all the decisions, but I also have bad experiences from the past that result in my not wanting to be left hanging by the effects of decisions he makes without me, and I can't read his mind as to whether he's even thinking about things I consider important.

    I understand that there are past anxieties playing in and I have them too.  I have to admit that I feel unloved when I'm not being heard, and maybe that further weakens my communication skills. Our premarital counselor basically noted that I already talk too much, being a person who thinks about things by talking them through (which he said is common for women) and he added that repeating myself means that I'm dominating the conversation. So as the pressure increases to make important decisions together, while I feel honestly confused and fearful of the consequences if important balls drop and my savings are the only contingency plan, I feel even more pigeonholed as to what I can bring up.

    I am truly beginning to wonder whether further commitment in our relationship, future fun in our lives would be worth the risk of NOT bringing up things about our finances etc. for discussion. I have experienced living independently and while it can be lonely, I'm not actually sure I want a future in which I'm constantly asking myself whether I should or shouldn't try another way to bring up something that may have been forgotten or that he considers to be out of my domain, but on which discussion seems legitimately important to me. I said that I wanted to maybe drop the pressure by further delaying the co-mingling of our finances until we have more common ground.  Though that seemed to be unwelcome, that's how it's actually happening for now. Are the areas in which communication is such a big gap more likely to get bigger, or smaller?  Any useful advice for me?

  • New diagnosis and he wants to leave by: Ess 3 years 1 month ago

    3 days after his ADHD diagnosis (and starting medication) my husband of 23 years told me he thinks our marriage is over.

    He says our whole marriage has been a lie: that I've never known the real him and he's been acting the part of a loving husband the whole time. He says there's a block at the back of his brain that has stopped him from ever loving me as much as I love him. I don't actually believe this and nor do people who have known us well since the beginning. But it's heart breaking and frightening.

    Is this reaction common? Is it the medication? How can I assure him that our marriage has been wonderful despite the challenges (which make SO much sense now he has the diagnosis) and that the good stuff we've had/have got going in a favour far outweighs the tough stuff?

     

  • New here. Need some advice please by: dmbrown1120 3 years 1 month ago

    My (42F) boyfriend (43) and I broke up recently. Our relationship was so awesome at the beginning and then everything just seemed to come crashing down after we moved in together. I broke up with him after 3 months of living together. The breakup lasted 4 months. In July we got back together then I ended it about a week ago. I've been trying to make sense of what happened. Then it clicked for me. He told me once in passing that as a child a doctor told his mom he has ADHD. She ignored it. She was very neglectful and abusive as a parent. I've done some research and he checks an alarming number of boxes as far as characteristics of a person with ADHD. The hyper-focused courtship at the beginning then the abrupt loss of interest. Now the hyper-focus is on his "hobby" (obsession). Overspending on said obsession at the expense of necessary financial obligations. Has things related to obsession laying around all over his apartment all the time. The forgetfulness. Has trouble paying attention when I'm talking and always wants to be the one talking. Always wants to talk about his obsession. If we would watch anything other than an action movie he would get bored and zone out. Interrupts me very frequently. Will avoid serious conversations. Has a serious problem with dealing with conflict (also views productively dealing with problems as conflict). Has pretty severe anxiety disorder. Has a tendency to break promises when we make plans for something I want to do, especially if it interferes with his obsession. His obsession, by the way is airsofting. This is basically paintball but with BBs. Essentially he likes to go out and shoot a bunch if people with toy guns. Also seems to fit in with ADHD (needing a high level of stimulation). I still have hope for this relationship. I'm not ready to completely give up on it just yet. We have other complications (his family) but I feel like we need to address one issue at a time. I believe lack of treatment for the condition has caused most of our problems. He and I are currently not speaking. My thought now is that he doesn't realize the damage the condition had on our relationship. I thought that if I mail him some info that might be an eye opener for him and he'll get help for it. What are your thoughts on this? Does anyone else have any additional ideas on what I can do? I'm also planning on writing him a letter about this. I could use some advice on what to say in it. Also, has anyone else been in a similar situation and made it work?

  • Where did the time go? by: Hope is the thi... 3 years 1 month ago

    I'm wondering if I'm insane here. Yesterday I took my kids and we were gone for four hours. My adhd spouse is working on tiling a shower right now. He had two rows left (6 tiles) to finish the back wall. In those four hours me and my kids went to place a floral grave saddle at my dad's grave, went to two different craft stores, three home goods stores, got dinner at a drive-in (took a half hour to get our food) and went to a separate restaurant to pick up ice cream for dessert. When we got home, I expected to see my husband relaxing after finishing the back wall and maaaaybe even starting one of the side walls. Imagine my surprise when he was standing there just starting to put up the last two rows of the back wall. I said, "Oh... wow. (Truly stunned.) I thought you'd be done with that by now - it's been four hours." He immediately got defensive and snapped, "I thought you'd say that. I had to cut some tiles, take the trash out and go to the bathroom." So, I immediately started trying to piece together the time in my head to give him the benefit of the doubt - Maybe he cut up all the boxes for the recycling. That would take awhile. Maybe the bathroom visit was lengthy. Maybe he worked out a pattern and cut ALL the tiles for the side wall. I went for a walk to blow off steam, so I wouldn't be mean and said nothing when I came back. Today I went out and looked... All the boxes are still out there. None of them cut up. So trash would've taken 10-15 mins. There were maybe 2-3 tiles cut up, so that would've been maybe a half hour. Bathroom...? Half hour? So what was he doing for the other two hours and 45 mins? He didn't START the final two rows till we got home. So he wasn't tiling. All the advice for the non-adhd spouse is to not get mad or question them. He tried to cheat on me years ago and has lied to my face for years. So how am I not supposed to care that he can't account for nearly three hours while we were gone? Am I the only one dealing with this? It's absolutely crazy making. 

  • Distracted and taking it personally by: Mizeeyore 3 years 1 month ago

    I really just want to know to not take it personally when he's distracted, even during sex. Claims to be having the best sex of his life with me, but then he is staring at the lyrics on the tv screen.  And this is not the first time.  And he admitted doing it. How is this not supposed to just break my heart? And then when I try to stuff my heartbreak, and he has an RSD episode the very next morning, and blows up at me for asking a question, I'm supposed to stuff that too.  Well, the argument that ensues ends with me apologizing as usual for not understanding that these things are just ADHD, I shouldn't take it personally.  After all, he says he's trying, and it hurts him to be told this hurts me, and he says he feels rejected.  ADHD, the gift that just keeps on giving.  How is this not  gaslighting?  How is this not victim blaming?  Will someone please help me understand how this resembles love?

  • Am I Being Gaslighted? by: Luna_91 3 years 1 month ago

    I (non-ADHD) went on a 2-week vacation with my ADHD partner. It was highly stressful at times, because he was rushing through the packing and planning, and scheduling multiple stops in a day without considering rest time, time to eat, time to just not do anything at all and relax. 

    I was irritable at times, because I would get tired or overwhelmed by the time constraints vs. all that we planned. There were a lot of highlights and positive things about our trip. But when we came home, he blamed me for being too angry, stressed, and uncomfortable the entire time. He did not see anything positive in our trip, and we seem to have completely different perspectives on how the trip actually went. I am feeling a bit out of my mind, and depressed about it. That, after all that stress and tolerating his own feelings of overwhelm and depression, I still thought there were some great moments. And yet, none of that was satisfying for him, or meant anything. 

    It seems he is ruminating intensely on all that went wrong, and I feel accused of being a major disappointment. It's really starting to bring me down and making me feel like I am a complete unenjoyable, impossible travel partner. While I've said why I was stressed at different times (I got a brief episode of stomach flu, and got injured while camping), nothing has changed his attitude or opinion about this apparently miserable trip for him. 

    I don't know what to do anymore. 

  • Solutions and Feedback on the Couples' Seminar? by: MATTHD 3 years 1 month ago

    Hi everyone- 

    my original post is here:

    https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/desperate-divorce#comment-58424

     

    My wife wants a divorce. As I pull away my attention, she's starting to come around and consider couples therapy, calling me more, etc. She doesn't understand her part in the relationship; especially in regards to the ADHD symptoms, so for now, I just take full responsibility. I don't like the "game" aspect of this relationship, but I am hopeful that Melissa's workshop could put a dent in our issues moving forward (if we decide to reconcile). Keep in mind my wife is the one who's pushing for the divorce and served me with papers already. I have very little leverage, but at the same time, love her and think that there may be hope after being separated for some time and reading a lot of literature (including Melissa's book). 

    - I'm wondering if anyone has had experience with Melissa's online seminar? 

    - suggestions about how to get someone with ADHD to read ANYTHING, nevermind Melissa's entire book? (or "driven to distraction", etc)

    - suggestions about how to somehow phrase that the seminar might be helpful without making my wife feel like there's something "wrong" with her or that I'm trying to change her. 

     

    I'm putting an attorney on retainer next week, so it's probably over anyway...

     

    Thanks,

    Matt

  • Ghosted by Adhd & RSD partner by: goldenchild321 3 years 1 month ago

    My Ex partner has ADHD & RSD.  We dated for over a year and a half and faced many of the challenges that ADHD can present in a relationship.  I at first would be frustrated but over time and throughout our challenges would try and learn as much as I could.  I've read a few books, joined a couple of forums, and really just tried to educate myself.  I am someone who commits wholeheartedly and has learned how to be extremely patient and supportive.  Recently my ex-partner attended an event that I had and it was an opportunity for her to meet a few of my friends and family.  She had a stressful day but made it to my event and ended up leaving after 30 minutes.  She didn't say anything to me - just literally disappeared.   She was talking with someone and got emotional regarding her situation and shed a couple of tears.  It wasn't anything that was noticed or anything to be ashamed of because everyone there emotionally is a compassionate good-hearted person.  Once I noticed that she had left I called and text and her response was rather alarming.  It was as if she felt like she was the victim of something.  I later came to realize that it may have been her RSD.  I've texted her supportive things multiple times, sent flowers, and have never heard anything from her.  It's been three weeks!  I recently ran into one of her friends and she said - I think she is done at your event she felt attacked and felt that I didn't defend her or apologize to her.  

    I wasn't aware of any feeling she may have had.  I can only gather that her RSD may have kicked in but don't understand anything.  I'm not upset that she left, I just wish we had a plan for the evening and talked about any social anxiety.  The only thing that's hard for me to grasp is that I've consistently shown up in her life as someone who loves her and supports her.  There are various items, pictures, gifts, little things in her place that are representative of the love I've given her.  Does that not trigger a reminder that this person has my back.  I'm also alarmed because she could very well tell her friends how she feels or perceive things and they are advising her on something that's not actually the truth.    

    We have been making so much progress but this has me at a complete loss.  She isn't currently seeing a therapist but I know she planned to soon.  

  • Feelings of guilt for former behaviours and actions when starting medication? by: Free 3 years 1 month ago

    I think I read somewhere that it is common for kids and adults who have been untreated to feel a lot of guilt in the beginning of medication treatment. Guilt for behaviours and actions done before treatment because of a lack of ability to see consequenses and perspectivetaking etc. Is this common? 

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