Listened to an interesting session last night - the first of the series - and was delighted to hear that it's important to think about what the top few issues you see in your ADHD partner before deciding on the right medication. I've always been curious about this and I feel like a lot of docs and therapists who don't know ADHD/ADHD relationships well might not prescribe as effectively as they could. AND, I also think it's hard for docs to prescribe well when they do not hear from the partner (who knows the real deal about moodiness/impulsiivty etc,) As many with ADHD are, my husband was encouraged by me, two years into our marriage, 12 years ago, to see someone about being diagnosed with ADHD. He saw someone once who diagnosed him and then sent him to get meds from his primary care doc - Aderall was prescribed. No doubt, this medication made it easier to concentrate in long meetings at work, but I'm not really sure that that was a top issue I was encountering at home - impulsive behavior/erratic moods/anger/irritability/social issues (i.e. ability to sit in a room with others more easily and offer more give and take in the conversation vs. monopolizing. And, I'm also not certain that this type of ADHD medication doesn't amp up the irritability level of that person. Anyway, the point of this is that I'm curious to hear if this sounds like anyone else on here, or their partners, and if you've had good/bad experiences with medication that helps focus on this type of ADHD. He's now on Vyvance at the urging of another therapist (has been on for two weeks and likes it) but I'm wondering, based on last night's seminar, if an SSRI on top of this or instead of this might be better. And/or can these be taken together? Vyvance for help w/ focus during the hours you need to be super focused and an SSRI or something else for the mood piece. I know it's not my job to figure it all out (a big issue in our marriage) but as many in ADHD/non-ADHD partnerships likely know, it's often the non-ADHDer steering the ship when it comes to support ... nuff said. Thanks for thoughts.
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- Finding the right meds by: tlsimonpr 4 years 1 month ago
- Good Additude webinar on adult diagnoses by: bowlofpetunias 4 years 1 month ago
Dr. Barkley gave a good presentation on how adult ADHD is different then childhood ADHD and how it should be diagnosed.
- Daughter update (Comorbid conditions) by: bowlofpetunias 4 years 1 month ago
You may have read my posts on my daughter being admitted to psychiatric hospitals in July and August. Now, she has been admitted once again--this time at her own request. She told us about some very disturbing obsessive thoughts, including walking into fire and taking large doses of Tylenol. She also said she was afraid of hurting herself. I was in the ER from 9pm Wednesday to 5:00pm Thursday.
My wife was trying to get me to not have her admitted. But the things she had said were so disturbing that I felt there was no choice.
We had already had several trips to the ER withing the past two weeks for symptoms that the doctors though were psychosomatic.
She started a therapeutic school last week and was not adjusting very well.
- literally don't know what to do... by: julie jay 4 years 1 month ago
I'm not even angry or frustrated anymore, just dead and numb inside...
my story is the same as most all other non's on here, so i'll spare that part, but this is new and has my nerves worn slap down to where I just want to literally physically run away - delusions. And I mean, real delusions. I don't mind entertaining ideas and fantasies to an extent, but i'm the only one working in this household to the tune of around 60+ hours a week, all for him to sit on the internet all day and register internet domains at $50 a pop and go file $200 dba filings with the county, all for this idea based on something that is NOT EVEN REAL.....
i just can't anymore, i'm spent...i've stayed and stayed and fought and fought, both with him and within myself, believing all the time that what i'm doing is right...but i can't fight these delusions, when someone will fight you down to the ground, to the death, because what they believe in their head is real reality, and everyone else is the crazy, stupid, uneducated, country, backwards, you name it, i've been it all...and all i have to say is 'i don't think that x is, because y...'
this is not what real life is supposed to be like and i'm having a hard time believing in my faith that God really wants me to die trying to love this man though he doesn't deserve it (by the world's standards) and certainly does not love me...he doesn't love anyone or anything past the tip of his nose...those are just facts, and i've accepted it, mostly...
i just don't know what to do...almost exactly half the time i feel like i have some strength to stay and fight, the other half just constantly tells me 'no girl, it's been this way for 14 yrs, will always be this way, you're going to die trying..'
i. legit. don't. know.
rant over - xoxo, julie jay
- Strattera + alcohol; disagreement over team approach to new meds by: Todo 4 years 1 month ago
My husband has ADHD. I do not. We have two little kids. It's been a long, long road and things are not good. So he's on day 4 of trying Strattera. I was reading all about how alcohol can make things worse and we sat down last week and talked about it and we both agreed he wouldn't drink any alcohol for a few weeks after starting. But then on day 2 he drank three beers. I said the next day- wait a sec, I thought we both agreed. He said- I didn't think we made that official. OMG! I just nicely said, 'okay, I thought it was definitely official.' Then, we talked about it and agreed not for a few weeks.
So now here we are, two nights later, and we have a very rare (socially-distanced) date night with two good friends. He said, "so are you gonna be all mad at me if I drink a couple beers tonight?" Again- OMFG!! I nicely said, "Can we make that more of a team approach or partnership approach question?" Bec I actually agree with him. It took months to schedule this and the last time we did something like this was what a year ago? I mean it's rare. And I want to drink a glass of wine or something, too! But the approach. And now we're still arguing about it because he disagrees completely that he should even discuss it with me. He thinks what should happen is that we go and he drinks a couple beers and I don't worry about it because I trust that he's drinking less now that he's on Strattera. Again- OMG!!! I'm so tired of this ridiculousness. I'm so incredibly exhausted. To me, it's obvious that we'd check in about it because we just agreed no alcohol.
Background, by the way: not a big issue with alcoholism. A year ago I felt he was drinking too much like 3-5 beers/night over many hours and he's stopped doing that. He doesn't have any bigger issues with alcoholism like it impacting work, relationships. Back then, I mostly was worried about him staying up late then sleeping in which can happen regardless of alcohol. And just worrying it was exacerbating whatever other problems there are.
Can you tell me -have you as other couples approached meds as a team, where you write down reactions, etc? I totally get feeling sensitive about it, by the way, but 'are you gonna be all made at me if...' after we just made an agreement is so wrong. Any other tips welcome. Thank you.
- Lonely and sad.. by: KAL 4 years 2 months ago
I often sit at night alone, crying, wondering why this is my life. He says I’m important, he says I’m his everything, but when it comes to us spending quality time together, he has other things he rather do. He relies on me to lead the way in cooking, organizing our lives, supporting him through tough times and taking care of our son. And like the fool I am, I do. When it comes to my basic needs, simple requirements from a partner, or reciprocal love, it’s seems to be a foreign concept to him or often under the impression that he’s doing his part. He makes plans to spend time with me, then something more exciting comes up. He says he wants to be attentive and supportive, then finds it difficult to listen to what’s important to me... often resulting in him making assumptions on my needs and priorities which can be far from accurate. I no longer want to be in this relationship and know in my heart it will end or I will sign up for a lifetime of my soul slowing dying. How do I move past this pain? I have career that was put on hold due to our son having a weak immune system, no family close by, and friends who’ve slowing disappeared since being with him. I am grateful for my 3 year old son and being 9 months pregnant (even though I was told I couldn’t conceive) and yet I’m overwhelmed with a horrible feeling of consistent rejection and loneliness. Is there a way out of this place? Is there even a slight chance of having a decent loving relationship with an ADHD partner? If you're still reading - thank you. It's nice to be heard.
- ADD/ADHD and the reality of cutting things out of their lives.... by: c ur self 4 years 2 months ago
Many of us (me for sure) have leaned on the word denial, when it comes to our spouses choices, and living of life...But is it?...Is their choices denial, or just adult choices? Is your choices denial? Are do you own your choices, and behaviors in life?
My wife isn't blind to her choices, she isn't ignorant either...She is intelligent despite her high level add mind....
So why did I decide her refusal to openly communicate about her life choices (Things she pursue's, and the things she choose's to mostly ignore) is some how a mind of denial toward those responsibilities?
What I have come to realize is that a person can dislike (hate) responsibilities so bad, that they will choose to abandon them...I think this is what my wife does....All people have minds and spirits that work together to lead them (us) in our life choices. Some people just choose selfish paths, no matter the cost....I think this is why we have visits to this forum from time to time, where some husband or wife (usually husbands) has chose to pursue selfish pleasures, and ignore their family and spousal responsibilities, and the spouse has enough and dumps them...These people's posts usually are very similar...."How do I change her/his mind?....It's very seldom ownership of how they have abused their spouse....More times than not it's how can I keep my meal ticket, maid, house cleaner, sex partner etc....
It's never one spouse's job (responsibility) to remind the other about marital responsibilities.....My wife ( and I bet most of yours) has no problem remembering what she counts as a important life pursuit....
The things we do, like labeling these choices with words like denial...It's for us, not for them....It gives those of us who believe in putting time and energy into our responsibilities just another reason to stay in the relationship...Even though it's very one sided...Since I've stopped taking on the responsibility (and mothering) of being her reminder, it's amazing how much she remembers....
Maybe it's time we stop allowing ourselves (I know it is me) to diagnose our spouse's, and don't make excuse's for their personal choices....
c
- Denial and blame from ADHD husband (new to this) by: Heatherpowersrn 4 years 2 months ago
My husband and I have been married for 5 years. In the beginning he was thoughtful, fun, etc and I had me we been happier in my life. After we got married things started to change. He has become unreliable and downright all over the place. Sometimes I feel like I have to do everything. I'm a RN with a stressful job and I feel like I always pick up the slack. The only thing I can depend on is knowing that he won't get it done. I feel HORRIBLE for talking so bad about him but I'm suffering. I could finish what takes him a whole days worth in an hour I swear! We have two small kids and my son (3.5 years) has started getting bad reports in daycare. He is unable to sit still and is disruptive during nap time. It's only though getting a tentative diagnosis for my son that I figured out my husband has ADD also. I know, I know I'm not qualified to diagnose BUT my husband exhibits all of the symptoms and has been told by others he's just too scatter brained. The big problem is that he completely denies that he has a problem and insists that I'm just too uptight. I was never a nag before but I can't just let everything fall apart as he would! Anything I try to say that could be considered criticism is met with angry, yelling and mocking me. He frequently runs into trouble with jobs because bosses see him as being distracted and not following through. I don't want to leave the marriage because we have 2 kids 3 and under. I feel trapped, hopeless, angry etc. just wanted to see if anyone else has been though this. How can I stay if everything is someone else's fault and he won't even admit that he had a problem. I feel invalidated and alone and unsupported :( . I want to feel secure and happy again.
- My husband does not want to get tested/diagnosed by: CTJT 4 years 2 months ago
Hello,
I have been married for 5 years and known my husband for over 10 years now. I have always had my doubts and have been doing enough research, talking to his parents, friends and observing and I have realised over the years that a lot of his patterns and our issues in our relationship suggest that he is showing signs of ADHD. He has self-diagnosed himself as 'dyslexic' as it seems to be easy enough and more glamourous diagnosis as he is a creative professional but he refuses to get assessed for it or if I ever mentioned ADHD he would have one of those massive anger outbursts that I am too scared to risk. How do I even go about doing anything about it as I am getting more and more certain that that is what it is. I understand that obvious answer is to find the right moment to talk but he NEVER ever wants to talk about anything that is even vaguely uncomfortable for him. I can never bring up this. Is there anything else I can do?
Thank you
- Finally seeing a qualified expert & other developments by: bowlofpetunias 4 years 2 months ago
My wife is finally going to see someone who appears to be qualified to diagnose ADHD in adults. The psychologist is the chair of a county CHADD chapter and wants to do things correctly--gather feedback from relatives, take three meetings before deciding, etc.
Unfortunately, this is at least partially the result of some difficult developments. Our daughter was recently hospitalized again because the outpatient service said she could not guarantee she would not hurt herself. She even ingested hand sanitizer at the ER to "kill parasites." While visiting her (she does not want my wife to visit), she told me that my wife needs to change before she comes home. My wife got upset and dismissive when I told her this, but I stayed firm on how her behavior has been contributing to the problems--not listening to the kids, flying off the handle, not implementing parenting skills, ignoring my attempts to deescalate (and then complaining that I was not doing anything), etc. I also told her why I was hopeful about an ADHD diagnosis--that I had feared that she had borderline personality disorder before I learned about ADHD after the kids were diagnosed.
On Saturday, she was driving when we came to an intersection by a park near our home. I commented on the outdoor seating at a restaurant across from the park. Normally, we would turn right to go home, but we needed some things at the grocery store. This would mean going straight through the intersection and following the road as it curved to the right. Instead, she curved left. I saw her approaching the curb at a nearly 90 angle and yelled "What are your doing?!?!?" She said that she had looked at the restaurant I commented on and gotten distracted.