Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Validating Feelings vs. Preserving Integrity by: EarthSoul 4 years 2 months ago

    Is this pattern familiar to anyone? I'm extremely frustrated right now.

     

    Me: [Says X]

    Them: Why do you have to be so Y?

    Me: I'm not Y, and here's the reason.

    Them: You never listen!

    Me: Of course I listen! You just called me Y, and I disagreed.

    Them: I didn't call you Y. I told you that when you say X, you sound Y.

    Me: Well, I don't apologize for saying X, and I don't think it makes me Y.

    Them: Why can't you validate my feelings?

    Me: I'm not going to agree with you that I'm Y just to make you feel better.

    Them: I'm not asking for your agreement.

    Me: Sounds to me like you are. You may call it "listening," but it sounds to me like you're expecting agreement.

    Them: No, I'm not! I'm asking you to validate my feelings! I'm not interested in why you're not Y, only to recognize that I FEEL it makes you appear Y when you say X.

    Me: I'm not going to confess to being Y when I say X, because it's not true.

    Them: This is why I can never give you feedback. You always have to tell me why I'm wrong and you're right.

    Me: Well, it sounds to me like you're not taking ownership of your own feelings, expecting me to accept the labels you want to put on me.

    Them: This is your ADHD. It makes you so insensitive!

    Me: I don't think it has anything to do with ADHD. I don't think anyone likes being called Y, and it's perfectly reasonable to expect someone to stand up for themselves when accused of it.

    Them: I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just saying you SOUNDED Y when you said X, and I want you to acknowledge that my feelings are valid.

    Me: [Eye-rolling] Okay, I heard you say that I seemed Y to you when I said X. I am guessing you didn't like X, and it prompted feelings of annoyance or hurt when I said it, which, in turn led you to think thoughts of Y about me. Did I get that right?

    Them: See? That wasn't so hard, was it?

    Me: [Grumbling]. Okay, so if you feel better now, are you willing to hear why I'm not REALLY Y?

    Them: No. I'm done with this conversation.

  • Oops, I did it again! by: AdeleS6845 4 years 2 months ago

    I would like to thank all of you who have given me another perspective, and for providing invaluable support over the last 5 years.  It means so much to have others to bounce ideas off of, without fear of being judged.  I have found acceptance here...Thank You.

    Now for my question.

    How do I stop knee-jerk reacting to my fiance's actions and behaviors?  "Just stop" is easier said than done.  Things have been going well between us, even in this time of pandemic.

    My fiance is a computer security expert, it has been his career for the past 8 years.  He recently had RING security doorbells installed at his house--3 of them.  He also installed one at my house for the front door.  These doorbells have cameras, which allow the homeowner to see who is at the door, and communicate with the person without opening the door.  He installed them because our other cameras failed.

    When he came over to install my Ring cam, he linked his account to mine, via app on my phone, so that we could monitor each other's houses.  Good idea, right?  Yes and No.  I found that the alert on my phone was going off every time he went out onto thr porch to sit in his rocking chair and smoke weed.  ( A point of contention for me for those of you who have read my other posts. ) 

    I had decided that he is gonna do what he's gonna do, damn the doctors.  So I am no longer going to bring it up, he is 53 years old, and is responsible for his own health.  So, I went into my app, and turned the notifications off for his "Porch" camera, so that I didn't get notified every time he was out there smoking.  On his end, it notified him that I had turned the alerts off. He then changed the settings on just that camera to not viewable to me.  

    Because I turned off the notifications his reaction was to hide what he is doing.  Same thing happened with Facebook.  I was seeing so much B.S. from his "friends" and I didn't react well.  He now has different groups on FB that he posts to, so that I cannot see every post he puts out there.  My FB is an open book to him.  I don't post to only certain people.  If I cannot post it to everyone, I won't post it.  I am connected to my son and daughter on FB, and if its something I wouldn't want them to see, I won't post it at all.

    Any tips for me to not react?  I'm normally good about this...must be the depression and stress that I've been under due to COVID, and isolating myself.  I cannot be ticked off at him, he is just responding to my reaction.

    Of course, I could have followed the old adage, one that I apply while perusing Facebook... "If You Don't Like It, Don't Look".

     

  • Does it always have to be me? Yes, it does. by: 1Melody1 4 years 2 months ago

    I am really just ranting as this is a rhetorical question, but my goodness, why does ALL the work have to be mine? My ADHD husband is unemployed. His days are filled with nothing and anything he wants, typically staring at a computer screen. I continue to work, parent and run the household.

    Our oven just broke and we need a new one. I had to do all the work for the shopping and now that we have chosen one, he also doesn't want to set up the installation. I don't even know what I am talking about with the gas hookup and the electrical, but if I don't do the legwork with the contractors, we'll have a brand new uninstalled stove sitting in our kitchen forever. I am just so frustrated. I think it is because jobs like these are not at all in my comfort zone and I know he would be much better suited to speak to these installers. Did I figure it all out? Yes. And I'm proud of that and realize that if I were on my own, I would have do these types of things. But I'm not on my own. Can he just never step in, even when I express calmly that I need him and I would like him to do so? No, he can't. Won't. We are also repainting the exterior of our home. Despite this being another job not at all in my wheelhouse, I got all the quotes, met with all the contractors and made all the decisions. I asked him to step outside to give me an opinion on colour one day and he blew... that was asking too much. I couldn't even believe it. While I know what I'm dealing with and can keep my reactions in check for the most part these days, I threw down the samples and went on a long walk when he couldn't even give me a few minutes of his precious online time to have an opinion on the colour of our family home. I was struggling to choose a colour myself so my sister-in-law drove 2 hours round trip to help give me a second opinion. She even stopped at some paint stores to get some extra shades for me to consider beyond what the consultant from the painting company had recommended. I have been living with someone who is willing to do so little for me that I can't even believe it when someone does something extra for me like she did. I am now in a place where the smallest generosity from others moves me to tears (holding a door, lifting something heavy into my car). That's sad. How, how, HOW can some individuals with ADHD not see their off-the-charts levels of selfishness and self-absorption? As much as I understand about ADHD, I will never understand. And he is so pleased with himself. He fancies himself so smart and capable and accomplished. 

    I am always low-level frustrated about the household imbalance, his indifference towards me and ADHD symptoms, etc. But sometimes it gets to me and I just want to blow. This is one of those times.

    Thanks to all the understanding people on this forum who always listen. It is comforting to have a place to vent..

  • I can't believe I have to keep telling her about the COVID risk! by: bowlofpetunias 4 years 2 months ago

    Following last week's Facebook post of my wife right next to someone without a mask, she told me that she wants to go to a local restaurant with this friend.  I said that it was not safe because they would be eating without masks within six feet of each other.  Then she said they would get takeout and go to the park.

    Last night, we went to a special bar.  There were several tables and a few barrels as tables.  I was OK with this because it was just the two of us.  Now she tells me - again after posting this on Facebook! - that she wants to go back there with several friends!  I had to once again point out that she would be too close to people outside of our household without masks.  "Oh, we'll stand then."

    If I can't trust her to make good decisions when planning, how can I trust her that she will maintain social distance in the moment when I am not there????  Naturally, she does not think this line of reasoning is "fair."

  • ADD and now diabetic by: Exhausted44 4 years 2 months ago

    My ADD husband found out today he now has type 2 diabetes. He knew this was coming, as he had several borderline labs. Yet today he was "so shocked". :/ He says he's been "busting his balls" with diet and exercise. I say- I'm not so shocked bc I watched you down a 32 oz Coke and ice cream 3 days ago. Oh- but that was a special occasion! It wasn't, other than being a Saturday. So now I have this added onto my already full and overflowing plate. He won't take the time to learn about it or plan meals. I am sure I will be expected to learn and make appropriate meals for him and our 5 kids. That's all I needed was ONE MORE THING to have to deal with. 

  • Impulsivity and COVID by: bowlofpetunias 4 years 2 months ago

    I recently posted about my wife's impulsivity and COVID risks.

    Yesterday, our son wanted to see a freind who is going to be starting college and said that they would walk around locally.  OK.  It turns out he got in the other kid's car and they drove to a restaurant in another town and ate a late lunch.  My son assured me that it was OK because his friend had taken a COVID test for the college.  Nevermind that the COVID test only shows if they had COVID when the test was taken, not if they caught it 5 minutes later.

    He is very underweight (about 113 pounds at 5 foot 11) and has muscle weakness that he is supposed to be doing physical therapy for.  I asked if he had seen the before and after pictures of COVID victims--big muscualar guys who wasted away to skin and bones.  He had not.  I told him that if he gets COVID he will not have any weight to fall back on and it will therefore be very dangerous.  Oh, it will take me time to gain weight so I might as well not start.  Oh, we are going to have a vaccine in a few months....

    Our daughter has a circulatory problem (Renauds) and also has eating issues.

     

  • Facebook group for ADHD spouses/parents? by: mbuchanan 4 years 2 months ago

    Does anyone know of a good Facebook group for ADHD spouses and/or parents? My wife joined one that was exclusive to the non-ADHD partner which turned out to be mostly a lot of wives venting.

    I thought it might be helpful to find a Facebook group for ADHD partners and was surprised to see a bunch of groups for non-ADHD and nothing for the ADHD partner.

    Maybe you can suggest something? Hoping especially for something proactive and supportive.

     

    Thanks!

  • Well, I trusted her... by: bowlofpetunias 4 years 2 months ago

    My wife wanted to go to an outdoor birthday party at a paint your own pottery place.  She asked if I would be OK with that and I said yes.

    Just before going to bed, I noticed that she posted photos from the party on Facebook--including one of her without a mask right next to the person celebrating her birthday.  The other woman was wearing a mask. 

    She pushed back at first about how "It was only one time" and "It was only for a minute" before eventually admitting that she had been irresponsible and endangered our whole family.

    I recalled that she took 2 cans of beer to the party and then told me she was bringing home half of a bottle of wine that she liked.  I asked her if this had anything to do with taking off the mask and she denied it.  She had "only a sip" of the wine.  The problem, of course, is that breaking my trust in her to be safe at the party makes it harder to believe other things she said.

    This is, of course, consistent with her impulsive behavior.

  • What can I possibly say to his faulty recall by: Brindle 4 years 2 months ago

    Is there a good way, a helpful way, to respond to my husband's twisted recall of events?
     

    For example, one day he brought up a job from years ago, and then he says, "I only took that job because you were on board."  Except that we had plenty of heated discussions where I repeatedly made it clear that the salary would not be enough and the hours would be difficult.  But now, years removed, he genuinely believes that we were both on board, that we both wanted it.  

    Or when he says, "You know, if you would've suggested that I do XYZ, then I would've.  I wish you had."  I did suggest it; he said no.  It wasn't a big fight. Just a quick suggestion, his declination, and life went on.  But he can't remember the details of how things progressed or even his own stance on things.

    If anyone remembers, he's pretty protective of his adhd, will not take meds or do anything to manage his adhd, and maintains that his adhd is an asset.  And almost all of his faulty recall is in his own favor, casting himself in a much better light.  And sometimes he even recalls himself as saying the things that *I* actually said or doing the things that *I* actually did.

    Sometimes I can say, "Actually, I did suggest that, and here's what your response was at the time," and he says ok.  Other times I can just let the story pass, because it really doesn't matter that much in the scheme of things if he thinks some events were different than they were.  But as you all know, sometimes big recall discrepancies matter, and I am having trouble with a response that doesn't fan the flame of resentment on either his side or mine. 

  • ADHD Spouse Asked for Divorce by: Lowered_expectations 4 years 2 months ago

    It's funny, I haven't been on this forum for 5 years, but when I look back on the one post I made five years ago, I probably could have written a slightly altered version today.

    This week, I checked my husband's email (it's okay - he gives me his passwords to his stuff because he often needs me to send something for him), and he was communicating with a mortgage broker, telling them that he was planning to get divorced (hopefully within a month). It's funny - it should have been a relief, but I felt super hurt and sad. The irony about it is after ten years of marriage, he's finally started getting himself together. (The irony is, he has actually set up an appointment to try medication for the first time on Wednesday). I can't help but to feel that now that my utility to him is over - now he has the wherewithal to make changes. Without me, he literally wouldn't have made it through his Bachelor's, Master's, and professional certification program (he can't write worth shit, so I was the scribe of almost all of his papers). I make about four times what he makes, and so I've been the one who has supported the family. He was happy to be married to someone who makes good money before, however now that his daughter (my step-daughter) who lives in another state is ready to go to college, and he and his ex didn't prepare for this, he has realized that our higher tax bracket isn't to his benefit for student loans. Before I found out the divorce thing, he was already talking about filing separately. Of course it will probably cost me thousands (if not tens of thousands) of dollars to file as single, but hey, he needs to take care of himself, right? I used to try to talk to him about budgeting all the time before, but NOW he wants to try to figure it out? Luckily we always kept our finances separate. He would give me money and I would cover all the bills. We have a seven year old and of course I did practically everything around the house and had to set reminders on Alexa for things to hopefully happen (which may or may not). 

    As I'm typing this, I'm realizing that anyone reading this would probably be thinking that he did me a favor. That's probably true, and maybe I'm being petty, but I almost feel like, "who is he to do this when I put up with so much?"  I'm smirking as I write this...I know it's ridiculous.

    I can own my part of it. I just didn't know how to cope properly with all of the resentment that came from shouldering so much of the responsibility. His case is so severe, that he would often leave the house without saying goodbye, not notice things enough to say thank you, constantly be scrolling through Facebook when I was trying to talk to him (or answer the phone in the middle of a heated discussion), forget to respond to texts, and be completely consistently inconsistent? I can understand him feeling unloved because I had zero sex drive. I didn't want to feel angry, so I just numbed myself. And, he felt that disconnection. We both wanted to feel cherished, and neither of us did.

    But the thing is, at the core, he is a good person, with a good heart. He was completely faithful, and I know he tried his best. I just had to contort myself so much to try to keep it all together. The irony is that I had finally figured out how to deal with my resentment -  I realized that I could get some of my stress out through mindful movement (as opposed to just exercise), and I was allowing myself to truly feel my feelings.

    So, he'll ride off into the sunset with his degrees, the life lessons that he learned from me (I'm not being cocky in saying that, he always says he appreciates me for that), greater insight into how his behaviors affect a relationship, and zero of the responsibility for remote learning for our seven year old (actually, he took zero responsibility before), and I'm left to pick up the pieces. 

    I know this is really negative, but I just need to vent. I've been covering for him for so long, over-functioning, and I just need a release. Thanks for "listening."

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