Today I did the most challenging thing in my life. I have never had an anxiety attack, but if this is one, I do not want to ever experience it again.

The word says for the spirit of heaviness, put on the garment of praise. My garment is worn of the numerous times I clothe myself. If this is heaviness, I need more of God and praise. What a fantastic feeling if God surrounds us with His full presence, not a half or part presence. A full unconditional presence. 

Coming from South Africa were for many years, I worked for everything I need and want, never had to ask for anything. I knew there will be difficult days and that things will not be easy, but this ADHD unveiling seems a little short of pure torture. I could not believe that connecting into emotion, feeling, or whatever the professionals call it, would be so difficult. Pain is such a real concept, but this is not normal. At least for me.

Back to the point, I had everything in South Africa, and starting over would be surfacing all of these things, unwanted things if I may add. A lawnmower, why could it be so challenging to use the neighbors or even ask. Nevertheless, I stood in complete fear while the lawnmower turns into this monster. The neighbor uttered something, but my eyes were fixed on the monster lawnmower that stood in front of me. Mindlessly I grasped on to the handlebar like I am breaking in some horse or something. The thing about a fear that drips down your forehead can do strange things to a proud husband, father, now humiliated husband, father. I could not start that monster. I felt so stupid, “Don’t breakdown now,” I thought to myself. Then I got it going. So I just have to walk up and down in a straight line and make sure the grass is short once the monster moved over this lawn that does not end. How can a small patch of grass turn into a football field all of a sudden? As I move forward, I could feel my heartbeat racing, sharp chest pains did not help at all. I felt that today is the day I die of a heart attack. Then I was done, wiped the monster down, and parked it in front of the neighbor's garage. I walked into the house, got into the shower, and broke down, tears running merging with the water as a mixture of pride, man, human, wash down this hole at my feet. And just like that, I was okay. I will get through this step for step.

        The thing is, why should I feel like I have no option to say, can I get a lawnmower, can I cut it with the scissors or somehow. But please, my love, don’t put me in this spot. How do you actually say to your wife what you feel? I did speak to her about feeling uncomfortable to ask the neighbors for anything. The mere thought of that puts indescribable fear in me. And that is how it feels like. No one should go through that. No one should put anyone through that. But I guess that facing my fears looks like this if it means getting better. 
 

For what it's worth, ADHD and marriage most definitely can work if you both committed to wanting to make it work. Most of all Love is patient, Love is kind, Love endures all things. Love is taking a step at a time.

A lot has changed! I am living by myself and I love it. I miss having my children live with me...they are staying with their dads full time for now bc I am considered an essential employee and I go to work Monday through Saturday. The girls and I get together 3 to 4 times a week and go for a walk or eat take out with my parents (we sit 6 feet apart outside on my parents' deck.) 

I started dating in February. I met a man I really liked. We had a lot In common and got along well. 4 weeks in I realized that he was still emotionally attached to his ex wife even though they had been divorced for 9 years. I ended it. I was very proud of myself for recognizing it after only 4 weeks. It took me 14 years to accept that my 2nd husband was still attached to his ex wife. I met another man I really liked. I quickly realized that he was not good for me. I held on longer than I should have, but it was a very short time... I held on for 3 weeks after realizing it instead of 10 years (1st husband) or 8 years (2nd husband). 

I'm now in a relationship with a great guy. We've been seeing each other for 6 weeks. Before I met him, I hoped that someday I would have a happy relationship. I was anticipating that being in a happy relationship would feel like a dream come true after being neglected by my 2nd husband and abused by my 1st husband. Instead, everything feels right. I am very happy. I am not on edge or confused or exhausted. He is very sweet to me. A week into our relationship I had to have a root canal. He took me to the dentist, waited for me in the car, took me home, went to the pharmacy and picked up my prescriptions, and took care of me. He makes dinner for me. He is even helping me pack. (I am moving to a new place next week.) He talks to me about his life (his work, his house search, conflict with his brother, his plans for the future). He asks my opinion. He does not ask me to decide for him. He does not ask me to fix anything for him. It is so refreshing. He is a fully functioning adult. He handles his life all by himself. 

Everything feels completely different and yet it feels like this is how it is supposed to be. I feel very lucky. I also feel very proud of the hard work I have done with my therapist and on my own to continue to heal and recover from childhood neglect and abuse and husband neglect and abuse.

It's too soon to tell whether or not this relationship is going to be long term. I feel happy and excited.  I love myself and I like myself in this relationship. I don't have to choose between taking care of myself and taking care of him. He takes care of himself, I take care of myself, and we take care of each other. It feels right.

I wish all of you the very best. You deserve every happiness. Thank you for always listening and being so kind when I was struggling with my ex who has ADD.

I'm mid 60s and recently diagnosed. All was OK for 44 years and then I retired. All structure (we moved as well) was gone and ADD roared its ugly head. Took 18 months to figure it out. Have attended marriage counseling together, however, wife doesn't like the therapist. The therapist asks tough questions and my wife doesn't like that. She says the therapist is biased against her. Therapist says she has built up anger, she says she doesn't although our arguments are her screaming. I'm a part of the communication problem as well. Admittedly not clear. Don't always 'hear' what she says and don't say what I thought I said. She told therapist that she no longer respects me - respects before ADD - but not now because I've hurt her deeply. I get that part of hurting her - but to never regain respect seems hopeless. Neither of us wants a divorce but can't go on in this constant argument cycle (poor communication on my part is the problem - ALWAYS).  SO what do I do? We've read several ADD books including Effects on Marriage. We know what ADD is and management techniques. Medication - non stimulant is mostly helpful. If I forget to use communication tools - I'm not accepting of the symptoms - I'm in denial - and I don't ant to get better more than she does.  

SO, what do we do? How can I convince her I'm trying and will improve. How can I encourage her to understand that I know she is not being mean - her words - yet her 'teaching' moments sometimes sound to my brain like criticism?  She says that is my problem - despite the information we have read and learned about. Ever since the diagnosis, ADD has been the number one thing we talk about - EVERYDAY. ADD is apart of me but not all of me. 

I'm at the end of the road and so is she.

Thanks 

Hi folks. I found this website a few months back, and I've been reading Melissa's book, but I just need to vent for a moment before the world falls in around my ears.

My husband was diagnosed with severe ADHD as a child. He hated his meds, and managed not to take them more often than not. He was up front about this when we started dating, and I didn't have a problem with it. I expected there would be more slack in our relationship that I needed to pick up, and I was okay with that. I'm a hard worker, and I can rationalize my way into accepting my role as sole bread winner, household manager, and doer of 95% of the chores.  I've faltered on this on occasion for emotional reasons, but I married my husband because he made me feel like I mattered, not the lighten my workload.

What I didn't know at the start was that this feeling like I mattered was only a result of his hyperfocusing, and that this focus would not only fade, but completely reverse into treating me like I am the cause of his every negative emotion.  I want to be a supportive wife. I understand that his brain is wired a certain way, and I want to be accomodating of that. I want him to be happy, but I need to be happy too, and for the past two years or so his ADHD symptoms have been manifesting emotionally abusive behavior and I don't know how much more I can take.

I'm not a saint, I'm not faultless, and with the help of Melissa's book I've been trying to be a better non-ADHD partner, but you all know it's not one-sided, and my husband refuses to get treatment. It took me a year after I concluded a lot of our marital problems were ADHD related for him to accept it might even be a small factor. I want him to be on medication, which he has violently refused. And it's his body. I asked him to at least get counseling, his answer was to watch a series of YouTube videos. At least it was something, but I foolishly kept hoping that something might get better, and it just doesn't.

Tonight it was ordering take out. I asked if he wanted to, out of a selfish desire to do something sort of together. He usually eats in front of the computer, but we'd order together, and I thought then maybe I could talk him into sitting with me. Well, my mistake was apparently not having a restaurant in mind. When I told him so, he suggested a burrito place I've told him repeatedly I don't like.  I told him again that I don't like it accepting he probably forgot, and it was all down hill from there. According to him: I was trying to trap him, I was bound to hate anything he suggested, picking a restaurant should have been my responsibility because take out was my idea, he's always the bad guy, I think I'm perfect, and so on and so on for half an hour of telling me all the ways I treat him unfairly. Nevermind we've had the same discussion where I've picked a place and been accused of not consulting him. Nevermind I insisted we could go to the burrito place, or even go multiple places so everyone was happy. I didn't have an opinion, I didn't think a single bad thing about him, and then all of a sudden I'm staring down this shame barrel, unable to breath while grasping for some inkling of what I did wrong or what I could have done differently.

This is the same fight we have over and over, where I think I'm making a completely innocent comment or suggestion and yet I've apparently done something horribly wrong. I've been in therapy for it for a few months, trying to find *something* I can do different and praying that the fact I'm in therapy might nudge him into trying himself. He's angry if I ask him to do the dishes, he's angry if I do the dishes, he's angry if the dishes get left in the sink too long. I feel like I can't do or say anything without triggering his anger and blame and accusations. RSD or not I'm at my wit's end, and I would leave. I'm at that point. I've all but lost hope. But then there's the rest of the dilemma.

A. We have a one year old daughter who is the light of both our lives and whom I'm terrified we're scarring with his regular vitriol. B. My sole breadwinner job, the only thing I'm qualified for that pays well enough to support our family of three, requires that I move internationally every few years. If I couldn't get sole custody in a divorce, there's a very real chance I would either have to quit my job or else not see my daughter for months at a time. On top of that, I'm not sure my husband is capable of caring for her on his own. He's her primary caregiver while I'm at work, which is a lifesaver and something I'm so grateful for, but as she gets older he's rapidly losing his patience with her. While I've been working from home recently, I hear him getting angry with her for fussing or throwing her food or doing various other normal baby things. I get that these things can be frustrating, babies are hard work, and I try to take over most of the caregiving duties on evenings and weekends. I put her to bed every night and wake up with her in the mornings so he can sleep in.  But I'm worried with as much as he loses his temper with me that it could happen with her too. On more practical matters, his earning potential isn't much above minimum wage, and before me he always had roommates, so I'm imagining him trying to hold down a low paying job to support himself (which he's had consistent trouble with) while providing any semblance of stability for our daughter during custody sharing. (The children of divorced parents in my situation usually spend long school holidays with the stateside parent.) I feel like granting me sole custody would honestly be the best thing for her, but who knows what a court would say. I also don't want my husband to never see his daughter. He's not always the most attentive, but I can see how much he loves her when they play. Hell, I can see how much he loves *me* sometimes, but I've been screaming into a void for years begging him to treat me like a rational human being and I'm just..  tired.

Anyway, there's a lot more where this came from, but I needed to get some of it off my chest. Thank you internet strangers for listening. I've turned everything over in my head a million different ways, but if anyone has any ideas I haven't thought of, I'm always open to suggestions.