Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Sleep issues and codependency/parent/child dynamic by: Janine Diamond 4 years 3 months ago

    Hi all! This is my first post here. I'm in the midst of reading THE COUPLES GUIDE TO THRIVING WITH ADHD and almost every page relates to my relationship. It's been a long road of difficulty for me and my husband - been together for 18 years, married for 11 with 2 kids. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about 17 years ago and has been on meds since. He also has depression anxiety, substance abuse issues and more. 
     

    sleep had always been a HUGE issues for him, intially an insomniac, then sleeping too much. It never used to bug me until we had kids really - then his sleep patterns became problematic as he wasn't living up to the normal expectations of"people with young  kids". He would often be up till 4am then sleep till 12 or later when he has obligations to attend to, other times be in bed at 9pm and still struggle to get up the next day. He's ranged (typical inconsistency) from thinking his sleep is an issue that needs addressing, to thinking this is just normal for him and it's "fine" despite how it effects anyone else. I've ranged from waking him up, fighting with him to wake up or go to bed, leaving him be and not waking him even if he had something he needed to be up for, helping him set alarms to go to bed, suggesting "ideas" of how to structure his sleep etc. 

    In my journey to be less codependent and "mothering", I try not to get involved anymore. I don't bug him to go to bed and I try not to get angry when he only gets 2 hours sleep (then thinks it's ok to drive the kids to school.....) . I only wake him when I have to (eg. I'm going to work and he needs to take kids to school). 
    the thing is - I don't really know where the line is in the "mothering" . For example - on the weekend - if I don't wake him, he's unlikely to get up. I feel resentful (getting up every morning with the kids early) and I get angry, which leads us to fight. He doesn't usually get woken by his alarms (if he sets them) or even the kids jumping on him and so if I don't wake him, I spend the day angry at him. But I'm "mothering" him by letting this whole dynamic happen.
    What's worse - sometimes when I try wake him it takes a while for him to get up - and he resists often by saying annoying things like "what for" or let me sleep another hour (at 9am when I've been up since 6am and we all want to do things as a family). Again what's worse is that I KNOW that he IS SOMETIMES capable of getting up on his own (with an alarm) if it's important and he's motivated - like when he had a new job. So this just makes me more irritated. 
    I used to ask him to write on the whiteboard in our room the night before if he WANTED to get woken up and at what time, that way it wouldn't be MY responsibility but I would just be aiding him (probably mothering I'm sure but maybe less so???) but of course he never did this. I guess the whole issue never really effected him enough to want to work on it - but for me it's huge. We've discussed it in therapy - a lot of times - but still nothing sticks or remains "remember or changed" for long. This is just one of many many issues that are chronic and utterly frustrating. I'm reaching the point of separation being a real option. 
    so what am I supposed to do? I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't..... 

     

    thanks for listening ;) 

  • confusion by: Libby 4 years 3 months ago

    After 38 years of marriage I still struggle with understanding some of the behaviours. One of them is the daily contempt and disgust my DH has for me yet he still expects the perks of marriage. He cannot understand why I no longer want to spend much time with him. He goes from screaming at me to asking me to go out to dinner with him. Never any apologies or explanation for the blow ups. Just carry on as if nothing happened. Does he just forget that he treated me terribly? I cannot just swng along with him with his moods. It's crazymaking.....

  • Family crisis - and I do mean "crisis." by: bowlofpetunias 4 years 3 months ago

    Our 11 year old daughter has been previously diagnosed with ADHD and OCD.  There is a long history of conflict with her mother.  Other issues have manifested themselves lately, such as writing all over her bedroom walls.  She has become obsessed with a story about Joseph Stalin killing people by putting them in boxes with insects.  She has had increasing panic attacks, including ones that lead her to freeze up and go mute.  One time, she started swatting herself and said that she thought that there were bugs all over her.

    Last week, things came to a big head.  We would not let her go out in a thunderstorm at night.  She became furious and kept trying to change our minds.  Shortly afterwards, I received a text from our cell phone provider that she had called 911.  She said she did it because of "11 years of abuse."  The police came and she told them she wanted to go to a crisis center.  I followed them to the ER and stayed with her for well over 12 hours, except when I left to get special food for her or something from the cafeteria for myself.  The police said she had told them about thinking of running away or hurting herself.  She denies she told them this.  The hospital recommended transferring her to a behavioral health hospital.  Because of COVID, they are only allowing one family member to visit--me.  She does not want to see or talk to her mother anyway.  So I drive 30 to 45 minutes each way for a daily 30 minute visiting session.

    The hospital has strict rules about clothing, and our daughter has also rejected some of the clothing we brought her.  My wife looked for other clothes in a very, very disorganized room.  She found some in a bag.and looked through it. She suspected our daughter had packed it in order to run away.  Our daughter became furious.  This was her "apocalypse bag" that she had painstakingly organized in "the Dewey decimal system because she had been convinced that an apocalypse of some type was happening in 6 days.  She attributes this to OCD and says she can't possibly have bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. The medical staff, however, have prescribed medicine used to treat both conditions.  She refused to take any medication for the first few days--she has always resisted treatment, so we saw this as possible silver lining that she would finally get help.  She recently started taking the "lab rat medicine" and has complained about the side affects.  She thinks Abilify will shut down her central nervous system.

    One of the things she told me last night was of her obsessive thoughts (which she attributes to OCD) about parasites in water.  She said she was so afraid that she had been think that it would be better to "end it" rather than dying a slow and painful death as parasites eat her brain.  She then told me something about putting the blankets with holes in them outside of her hospital room at night so that she would not harm herself.  The hospital has very, very tight limits on what the patients can have in order to prevent self harm.

    She told me that she can't have schizophrenia because she does not have hallucinations.  She then said that hallucinations meant seeing things.I pointed out the example of bugs eating her. I did not bring this up, but she has previously said that sometimes when she looks at people she sees "all of the cells" in their faces and that the cells have faces.  That sounds like a like a visual hallucination to me.  She also recently wrote a song about a monster in her head that tells her what to do, including "run away."

    She was having so many difficulties at school that the district brought up sending her to a therapeutic school next year.  She has been accepted at one for the fall.

  • ADHD almost killed our dog... by: bowlofpetunias 4 years 3 months ago

    Our 14 year old dog has recently had stomach problems and the vet gave her several pills, including one that was to be given only once a day in the morning.  I gave her one on Wednesday morning.

    There was a crisis with our daughter Wednesday night and I had to accompany her to the crisis intervention center at a local hospital.  I was there from 10pm to 2:30pm the next day.  Before I left, I emphasized to my wife that our dog was only supposed to get that pill in the mornings.  When I returned home, she told me that she gave her the pill at night because that his what she though I said to do.  This meant that she had 3 of these pills in a 36 hour period.

    Friday morning, our dog was doing terribly.  She would not eat.  She had trouble standing up by herself.  She was wandering around and frequently falling down.  My wife even thought we should go to an emergency clinic to have her euthanized that night.  I said I did not want to do that while our daughter was hospitalized if we could avoid it.  I also would prefer that our regular vet be the one to euthanize her.  (He recently euthanized one of our cats.)  My wife was worried about what to do with her body if she died on her own.  I had difficulty sleeping and avoided getting out of bed because I feared our dog was either dead or would need to be euthanized that day.  To my surprise, she was doing much better--walking without falling, putting her paws in my lap, and eating.  She has further improved to be able to go up and down stairs and to go for walks in the park.  It would have been a tragic mistake to euthanize her given that she is now doing so much better.

    Today, I looked up the side effects of the medication that my wife gave her too much of--dizzyness, nausea, lack of appetite, etc.  It all fit how she was behaving on Friday!  We could have killed her because of side effects from medicine!

    I have no illusions that our dog is going to be around for a long time.  But i am horrified to think that we could have missed time with her because of a simple mistake.

  • RSD in ADHD problems by: Self-Destruct 4 years 3 months ago
    I was diagnosed at age 7 as "hyperactive" (late 70's) but dad refused to allow medication. I also have had many emotional, often anger issues (when rejection or perceived rejection) was present. My father is narcissistic and mother is his enabler. As the middle child I was pushed to the side. Over my school years I impulsively found a lot of trouble. Bad grades, skipping school etc... I used to be timid, afraid to stand up for myself and tender. Through two rough marraiges and 16 years as a business owner I niw find myself opposite. I am fast to take the defensive, I speak my mind to anyone, anywhere. I can be a reak butt, I am always looking for others motives. Seems I have transformed into the opposite. I need help finding middle ground. What type of treatment would be good? Anyone else with similar issues? This causes problems in my marriage Dailey and I need help to learn better ways to deal with all this. My wife loves me but I do the jeckle and Hyde with her.
  • Emotional Maturity & the Silent Treatment by: jennalemone 4 years 3 months ago

    This week I am online learning by myself about emotional intelligence and maturity.  MINE!  It seems to me that when I was young, I had a youthful emotional maturity.  I stood on solid ground. After living with H all these years, I see that I have bent myself to accommodate him and his ways and I had become emotionally immature too and a little crazy.  I brought myself down to his level to not seem to act "superior or motherly or stodgy or 'better than' ".  In other words, I was putting myself on his level. I tried fighting fire with fire. The drama.  He would act like a 2 year old and I would react with emotional upheaval (like a 2 year old). We are right now in a course of him not talking to me again for 3 days, slamming things and hateful muttering to himself.  When we cross paths, he glares and answers my questions with a snarl and one word answers. I don't know what is bothering him about me now.  I used to live with fear or try to start a dialogue or get emotionally upset and verbal trying to "right" this uncomfortable dynamic.  Nothing I did changed him.  He was not able to grow with me but rather stands his ground like a 2 year old tyrant unable to say words.  

    I am trying to get back the emotional maturity I had when I was younger.  I'm learning what that looks like again by going online and typing "emotional maturity" and "emotional intelligence".   It feels lovely to get back to my old self.  I am letting the chips fall where they may with my marriage and I am living life without the downward pull of H's immaturity and inability to share and discuss like an adult.  I get to take charge of my thoughts and emotions.  I don't have to cry or complain or feel like I am at the end of my rope.  I can even let myself be vulnerable without losing myself. I am in charge of my head and my heart. I have to remind myself sometimes, so I come here to remember why it is that I must be diligent with my learning of emotional growth.  I can't do this alone.  I need to know I am not crazy or mean.  I need to read your common situations and my own entries here and see myself and it helps to be reminded of what it looked like and felt like to descend to the toddler dictatorship that was.

     

  • Non ADHD Support Group? by: Desparate-Exhausted 4 years 3 months ago

    Keri you had mentioned it but it appears to be all full, did I miss something? I really need this and was hoping to attend. Thanks y'all ! Maybe I'm not looking in the right place..

    D&E

  • Freaking out pretty much FIRST POST by: Desparate-Exhausted 4 years 3 months ago

    Married 40 years, just waking up to this issue. I'm a non-ADHD wife with an adorable, adoring-loving ADHD husband who would throw himself in front of a train for me. He is so wonderful in MANY ways. Super smart, charming to the utmost, can fix absolutely anything except a coffee maker haha and has lived his whole live avoiding the pain of a sick, traumatic childhood using his extraverted salesy joking personality. When we are "outside" our day to day problems, we have fun, we laugh together until we hurt, it just doesn't get any better. But......

    Not sure where to begin, don't wish to trash talk my husband so Jesus help me, I can't take this much longer. As a newbie I'm a little skittish about bearing my soul here, will you pick apart what I say? How I describe my pain?  Ok here goes. We are separated. We have worked together in various self-employment home businesses our whole working lives. I am soon to be 72. Haven't retired, the retirement fairy never came. 3 years ago, we bought a few acres that had 6 old cabins on it and renovated them for vacation rentals. 4 renovated so far and booking like crazy. But working together has its ups and downs. The ADHD "issue" has never come up before, although I knew something was terribly wrong and just didn't get the memo until recently. I realize it's not just him, that we both need help.

    What I am looking for here is someone to help me, as a non-ADHD wife, to help me navigate these prickly waters of discovering the ADHD/Non-ADHD life and learning about this issue. Is there such a thing as a coach or sponsor? Anybody willing to work with me? I am reading THE ADHD Effect on Marriage at the moment but only in the first parts. The whole thing scares me and terrifies him. We will be coming together this week to discuss things and I am scared.

    Thanks y'all.

    D&E

     

     

     

     

  • Counting my blessings..... by: c ur self 4 years 3 months ago

    Hi all...I just wanted to say that things are going well....I've been experiencing great peace for the most part....My wife approached me about a month or so ago...She looked me in the eyes (like she has never done before) and told me that she knows she needs to change, and that she was making changes...She's been much more aware and in control of her emotions (work in progress of course)...The main thing is she is taking ownership a little better, and that denial/blame attitude has subsided quiet a bit....Praise the Lord!...The conflict has subsided due to acceptance...She knows I don't trust her, and it's obvious that hurts her, but, I think she has finally realized her life style has caused it...

    I'm 63 and I am a very blessed man!...At some point I've had to come to realize this marriage relationship is about much more than my happiness...I have happy and healthy children, step children, grandchildren, and they all love my wife, and she loves them....It could be a lot worse!....By God's grace I have learned how to set boundaries and stick to them...The more those boundaries are calmly enforced, the clearer the picture of what needs to change becomes....

    Blessings to all

    c

  • New here by: Bibliobabe54 4 years 4 months ago

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