Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • My ex has ADHD - I still care about him but I’m confused by: london_lass 4 years 6 months ago

    I met my ex last year and it was amazing. From our first date there was chemistry like I had never had before with anyone. He was very caring, attentive, communicative. It seemed too good to be true. He would travel to London twice a week to see me and made a lot of effort. We seemed to have a lot in common and want the same things. He asked me after the first date to be exclusive and after our second date to be in a relationship. He seemed a bit intense - but everything was going really well. Early on he told me that he had recently realised he had ADHD but had not been officially diagnosed (he is 38).

    After about a month of dating we got into an argument at my house because my dog woke him up and he ended up walking out and leaving. He later apologised and explained it wasn't about me. A few days later he came back to see me and assured me that everything was okay. We continued seeing each other as normal and another month later it happened again. We were talking and not agreeing on something and he packed his stuff and left but this time he said it was over. Again, he came back the next week wanting to make things up and assuring me it was all okay. Telling me he loved me as a person and did I love him. Asking me if when I would move in with him etc. Then he said he would spend one day of Christmas with me so again he came over, I was annoyed that he was so late and he took his things, walked out and ended things again. He then apologised and kept messaging me to make sure I was ok. 
     

    About a week later he explained it was because he was having a hard time because he couldn't be with his daughters over Christmas and his grandma was terminally ill. A couple more weeks went by and he kept arranging to see me and then cancelling last minute. This caused us to argue as I thought he couldn't be bothered to see me. He avoided talking about what was going on over the phone and I felt totally disconnected from him. He said the way he felt about me had changed. We then agreed to meet and talk about what was wrong and how we could get things back on track.

    When I saw him, instead of talking about what happened and telling me how he felt, he acted as if everything was ok. He behaved exactly how he had when we were a couple and stayed for the weekend but I knew something was wrong. A week later he told me he wouldn't be coming to see me and I got totally frustrated and gave him an ultimatum, either he finally told me what was going on or it was over. He refused to tell me so I called it quits. The next day he told me he had found out that his daughters had been taken into foster care and he had to go to court the next week and wasn't in a place to talk about us. He refused to see me to talk after that and told me he wanted to stay friends. I gave him space and left things friendly but didn't get in touch.

    He recently contacted me after two months of not speaking, asking if I would come and stay with him for a few weeks. He then changed his mind and asked me to come for a few days. Then, he told me that if I saw him it would be just for sex and he didn't want to be together, it couldn't happen. I still don't know to this day why he ended it/felt differently about things or why he kept changing his mind about me. He doesn't want to be with me, but he doesn't seem to want to lose me either. I don't know whether to just leave it and move on or to try and be his friend and be more patient with him.

    I now understand that the first part of the relationship and intensity was largely because of the ADHD. I think with the added stresses of his personal life and a new relationship maybe it was too much, but I still can't understand how he was so into me and wanted to be together so much and has now completely changed: any advice would be appreciated! I'm totally confused by it all and am struggling to move on as I cared for him so much. I don't really understand how he can say he cares for me but we can't be together.

     

  • Advice for coping with the inconsistency of ADHD Husband and possible ASD wife. by: Miamo 4 years 6 months ago

    Married for 7 years, together 8, I remember vividly my OH asking me what I most needed in a relationship, and I answered 'consistency'. I laugh now as this was clearly somethng he is unable to supply. 

    I feel the last 7 years have been a roller coaster, I have sought help from many areas and am even considering that I may be Autistic or ADHD myself. I just cannot figure out why our combination exasperates me so much. I have spent so much energy trying to figure it out. I even considered that he is Narcissistic and is being abusive. I still dont know. But last few weeks he has shared with me that he went for a test about 20 years ago when his son was being tested for ASD and was told he should get further tests done about his ADHD behaviours. My Husband confesses this now! He believes he has ADHD.


     I live with frustration.

    Frustration because I dont understand why he does things he says he won't, why he doesn't do the things he says he will.

    Why I have to repeat myself, why is he so forgetful. He even had a Dementia test about this too. 

    Why does he half do things, leaves drawers open and projects never get finished.

    His constant fidgeting when we are watching TV, that drawing a circle with his feet, hands, knees.... 

    Why doesnt he understand social cues and how to behave with others, women in particular. He has had many occasions completely said inappropriate sexual comments in front of me to bar staff and younger girls. 

    Why do I have to tell him the same thing again and again. 

    Why does he like 'tit for tat' as a punishment like hes the only one who can teach people. Why is his way the only way? Why does he ignore everything I ask, like I made morning oats and he went to get it for me, in his mind it looked awful so he added other things. I am trying to lose weight so I had counted all the calories and I like it how I made it! I told him this wasnt helpful but he did it again the next day. Like my feelings dont matter. 

    Why does he not listen to me? Why does he turn off the light and leave me sitting in darkness? Why does he turn the TV up when I start talking?

    and sex...why cant he take being guided and told what I need from him. He completely collapses if I do this. He cant seem to remember anything I tell him. Our sex life was brilliant until I stopped faking it, now he can hardly come near me for fear I correct him or guide his hand. Sigh... 

    He is fearful of his Father, completely does whatever he says, like hes still a child! 

    His walking off during conversations and arguments, hanging up and refusing to talk.

    He is 62, I am 52. I am his forth wife, he cheated on the others with the next one or his wifes best friend. He hasnt cheated on me though.

    I love this man and we get along great but I find myself becoming this nag, nasty tutting monster of a wife. I can feel the love I have for him draining away. I feel like I dont matter. He has a kind heart.
    I want to change. How can I change and cope better? 

  • Exhausting communication patterns by: Mndisfam 4 years 6 months ago

    Hello! I have been educating myself as much as possible about the issues of being a non-ADHD spouse married to an ADHD spouse. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD and other co-morbidities 8 years ago. His response to the diagnosis was to ignore it. Needless to say, my life with his is extremely difficult, exhausting and challenging. 
    One area of constant frustration involves his basic communication or speech patterns. I don't know if its bcs I can't articulate the exact issue, but I can't find any good information on what is happening and what to do about it. (That's the most important.)

    Specifically - 

    1. In conversations, he has to have everything repeated 3 times. Exactly 3. I will make a statement - eg. 'it's raining.' His response is 'ITS RAINING?' I used to say, 'yes, it's raining.' Followed by 'ARE YOU SAYING ITS RAINING?' which used to be followed by an eye roll from me and a third exclamatory 'ITS RAINING?" I learned to stop repeating myself, which usually makes him angry. I now only say things once.  I also don't understand the heightened emotional response from him (hence the caps.) I'll say something in a flat conversational tone, and his response is vocally over the top. Like I said the house is on fire. 
    2. You can't call him on the phone. Seriously. I've called him about 5 times in 20 years. His response when he answers is to tell you right away, for whatever reason, he can't talk to you. I suppose I could text and warn him I have an issue I would like to discuss, but that seems such heavy heavy lifting for me? Are people with ADHD just unable to take unexpected calls? Obviously, in 31 years of marriage there have been some serious emergencies and I just have learned to never call him, it does no good in solving any issues. 

    3. Monologues - this is a hard one. He will talk forever on automatic about things he cares about. He doesn't look at me for engagement, it's just like someone hit 'talk' and off he goes. I could be the dog. If I interrupt he gets annoyed, if I leave he gets annoyed. These monologues are never about things in my life. For my own mental health, I just leave now. I don't need to feel any more resentment. 
     

    4. Extended silences. If we do talk, and there's some actual give and take, he just clams up. I can ask a direct question about anything, and there can be a silence of such duration I actually get bored. He literally becomes mute. Stubbornness? Control? 
     

    5. Hinting.  Nothing is ever direct. It's always some hints i'm supposed to follow. I don't, which annoys him. Example - he liked the tv louder than I do. If I was watching by myself, he would walk in the room, sit down and say 'you can turn up the tv if you want to.' Naturally I would say, no, I'm fine, which would also annoy him. 
     

    I apologize for the long post, and the "picky" things I'm bringing up. But they really really effect my day to day life and communications with him. I can't find anything about these 'patterns' - maybe they're too trivial to talk about? And FYI, his mother has the exact same communication patterns. She is, sadly, a very disturbed woman, so maybe this isn't ADHD?

  • Grieving by: HopingForChange 4 years 6 months ago

    Tonight I am wide awake grieving. Grieving for the man I fell in love with and grieving for the woman I used to be. I wrote two letters tonight, one to the husband I originally fell in love with and one to the man I am married to now. I miss who he was and how he loved, but as far as I know that person never existed to begin with. The man that has replaced him is far from the ideal I had in my head of the man I was marrying. I've come to terms with this for the most part (of course it still hurts). But, the woman I am is also so far from who I used to be. I miss the patience I had. I miss the innocence and hope and pure joy I used to have. I miss the dreams I used to have. And sometimes I just sit and cry because I am 19 YEARS OLD and I am missing a version of myself that existed just a few short years ago. I am so young to hold so much pain. Watching my friends live carefree lives and chase their dreams hurts sometimes. I know I am young and I have a lifetime ahead of me to work on myself, but the trauma I've endured will stay with me for a long time. I miss not having a weight on my chest. Don't get me wrong, I have gained many things: communication skills, long suffering, an ability to unconditionally love. I am stronger than I ever believed I could be. And I love who I am when I am wholeheartedly loving someone else. But at this point, who knows if I will ever truly be able to love someone else that way. I need to heal but how do you even begin? 
    I appreciate everyone on this website so much. Just knowing other people have walked the road I have walked, have carried the same burden, and have dealt with the same issues is so reassuring to me. 

  • Putting it into words to see things more clearly by: jennalemone 4 years 6 months ago

    I just read a critique of a book which has these sentences to describe the main character and it reminded me of many of us on this forum.  She said it better than I could: 

    "Her longing to be a part of something larger than herself renders her more emotionally vulnerable than she might care to admit. Finally, buckling under the pressures of work, play and love, she allows herself to be sucked into a vortex where bad behavior is the norm."

    THIS is what had happened to me in the chaos of our marriage. The bad behavior was my H's. His bad behavior became normal and acceptable imperceptibly, bit by bit.  I had been "sucked into a vortex where bad behavior is the norm." because I wanted to be part of a good marriage, a family that did not quarrel.  

     Putting something into words helps me to see things more clearly.  Wanting was not enough.  Seeing clearly is better than wanting something that will never be. Again, acceptance.

  • Help for you by: anteight 4 years 6 months ago

    I've left my H almost two months ago. I'm not here to say leave but I am here to ask beg you to check out some of these counselors online: Patrick Doyle (you can watch his videos on YouTube) or check out his website Pathway to Hope. Leslie Vernick also vids on YouTube and a website. Natalie Hoffman of Flying free Sisterhood. Natalie and Leslie have some excellent books. They don't "advocate" divorce but don't discount it either. They have many topics in boundaries and how to stay well or how to leave well. How to grieve how to build your core strength. How to know if change is real or just love bombing. How to understand the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. How to become stronger in your own value etc. these are all faith based but will be helpful to anyone no matter what your beliefs unless of course you are completely anti faith then maybe not. Also check out Melania Evans I believe her name is. PLEASE! It will help you recognize the abuse you are in and things will begin to become clear. 
     

     

  • Is hypersexuality a common symptom of ADHD? by: Sanvean 4 years 6 months ago

    A few months after getting married I noticed that my husband was talking to other women online on a regular basis. He's interested in foreign cultures so has many foreign friends both males and females of different ages. We ourselves are an intercultural/racial couple.

    The problem started when I asked him about who his female friends were. I told him that, since they're online friends, I would like to know who they are and how often he speaks with them. He has since being more vigilant with his phone and computer by locking them and turning the screen away from me. I've seen many photos of other women on his phone but I don't know if they're friends or just strangers. I've confronted him about it but all he says it's that he's not cheating. Am I being paranoid?

    Has this happened to any of you? Is this normal or just another symptom of ADHD? I feel lost and confused.

    Thank you for reading!

  • New here. I've decided to separate, now he's all over me again! by: pochipig 4 years 6 months ago

    I need advice please, or just an ear from those of you who love your adhd spouse, but for your own sanity and possibility of a peaceful life, have decided to leave. After 12 years of being together, and about 7 years of me researching and focusing on adhd and the roll it plays (the BIG ROLE) and sharing with my husband (he is diagnosed Add and Odd, as is his son)  I can't take it anymore.  His symptoms are absolutely textbook. Thankfully he does not have the violent rages, he is generally a good and sweet man. Everyone loves Mike (but don't see how he treas me in private) But he does ignore me to no end, hyper focus on projects (think of the crazed inventor type spending hours in his man dungeon, only to come out to eat food you have prepared, maybe watch a video about his project and then retreat back to the cave for more hobby fun). He forgets and forgets and forgets, and most often does not do what he says, even promises, he will do. No sex and the few times it happens, I am not satisfied. He is, and then is done.  He's absolutely defensive if I mention being unhappy about something in the least bit. Deflects and says everything is my fault and how I am being unreasonable if I get hurt when "it was not intention to hurt me". ALL THOSE THINGS, TEXTBOOK. I am calm, not a nagger, not a screamer and speak with logic.... and that does not even work.  Sometimes I think that the only way to get him to pay attention would to become a screamer, but I don't want to become that person. It is not in my nature. I am a helper and an empath. I will not become an angry, raged person just to get someone else to pay me some attention or do a small chore.   I do have a tendency to pout and ignore him right back after weeks of reaching out to him to no avail.    I digress....      "Doing my own thing" and focusing on me does not work to have him pay any more attention to me, it has just furthered us living life separately, even though we are married. I love what I do for me, but I also am in a marriage and would like a partnership. I don't want to be married with the experts telling me that I should just basically live like I am single. That baffles me to no end! I do rescue, have a lot of friends, lots of stuff to do, exercise, take care of our 7 animals in the household. (I did have a full time executive job that I quit in January because the owner was violating Federal Labor laws and has poor ethics. I could no longer help him run his company. It was against my morals, so I quit after 2 1/2 years of being the major and steady breadwinner)  I have lots of things to keep me busy while he is in his shop for 16 hours a day tinkering with his new machines (that do not provide my income, if any, by the way. If he makes any money with his 3D printer or self built CNC machine, he puts what little he earned right back into "improving" those machines. His money is his money, my money went mainly towards the household)  FAST FORWARD.... For years I have told him that I feel taken for granted. I believe that 85% of the problem is that it is his adhd symptoms that he is denying.  He takes medication, but does not do any of the other steps things to help us out. No exercise, he drinks every night, he saw a therapist for a very short time (we lost our medical benefits when I quit my job) but stopped when we lost insurance. He goes back into just doing his thing ALL DAY LONG, while I am taking care of most of the household. 

    I decided that I want to separate and told him.  He broke down.  Had a mini meltdown.  Hyperventilating. Drinking all night and then starting back up at 8am to deal with his pain. He is SO SO SO SO SORRY for all that he has done (Ive heard this before) .  He is still in our house, we are friends and I am not going to be mean or cruel, but I do know that I need to move on in order to maybe ever have a rewarding relationship, or even just peace by being by myself instead of feeling utterly lonely with my husband with me in the house. I am not going to kick him out in the middle of Covid, but I did have to take my decision head on after he was extremely rude and disrespectful lat week... it was my last straw.   ANYWAY... NOW HE IS ALL OVER ME!  He wants to cook me breakfast, he wants to spend the day together, he wants to tickle my back while we watch a movie (one of my favorite things)   he wants to come out and do circuit exercise with me! (WHAT?!?!?!?  I'VE BEEN ASKING HIM FOR MONTHS TO WORK OUT WITH ME. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE... HE WOULD NOT DO IT.)  Now that I have reached my breaking point. THe breaking point that I, for years, have told him I was going to hit. NOW he is being the hyperfocusing partner again.     Have any of you who left dealt with this too?    I know I have to leave for my sanity.  I won't ask him to try to find another place in the middle of Covid lockdown.. but this is literally a MIND "F" for me.  I am afraid that if I continue to try to talk to him about my decision, he is going to dive to the bottom of the whiskey bottle again, have another breakdown and more suicidal thoughts.  My heart hurts. For me and for him.

  • Where Do I Go From Here by: HopingForChange 4 years 6 months ago

    I've been silently reading posts on here for almost a year now. I've been trying to hold out from posting because I know my situation is extreme but I am truly at a loss right now. My husband told me he has ADHD from day 1. He's never been medicated since his mom didn't want him to be a "pill popper" (a sentiment he agrees with strongly). I'm 19, he's 20. He's in the military, I'm a full time student.
     

    During our dating relationship, everything was perfect. We even lived together and had no issues. Of course now I know it was hyperfocus. After we got married and moved across the country for his job, his entire personality changed. He lied to me for months about smoking and tried to convince me I was crazy etc. But that's not what I'm here to talk about.
     

    He has the most explosive anger I've ever seen in my life. He has put so many holes in our walls. He's broken so many expensive things. If he starts to explode and I'm in his way, I get pinned up against the wall, thrown in the floor, slapped, etc. I know this is not okay. I thought he was getting better at controlling his anger but this quarantine and him being home 24/7 has made things so much worse. I can think of 9 or 10 instances where he's gotten violent in the past two weeks. Usually, he admits what he's done is wrong, promises to change, tells me he blacks out and can't help it.
     

    Last night though, he literally showed no remorse. He broke his knuckle punching the bed frame last night and threw something and almost hit the dog. He told me it was completely my fault (what made him mad was I grabbed the towel he was using and knocked over a can of soda on accident) and that he wouldn't get violent if I just listened to everything he said. I understand I'm responsible for making him mad sometimes but that kind of response is unwarranted regardless of the situation, and I told him that. He was escalating and I told him he needed to get professional help immediately because I am not living in fear anymore. He said there is nothing he could do. I told him if he cannot do anything, I will simply call the cops next time he hurts me. Then he freaked and said he would divorce me if I did that because that would make him get in trouble at work. He said I was lying about the times he's hurt me. That he has never flat out hit me so it isn't that bad. He told me to leave him and then told me to stay and then told me to fly back home and then said he loves me and wants me to stay with him all within a twenty minute conversation.
     

    I know this is all over the place, I'm sorry, I just haven't been able to talk it out. I know this is bigger than ADHD.  I truly do not know where to go from here. I love him more than anything in this world and I want to make this work so bad. I know I should've left the first time he got violent. I know he'll probably never change. But I'm 2000 miles away from home with no independent income or way to get anywhere. I feel trapped in more ways than one. 

  • ADHD spouse. Offering a different POV by: hvacdave84 4 years 6 months ago

    Hello all. ADHD spouse here. My challenges have destroyed my marriage, and my life. My wife is leaving and taking our 3 kids with her. When we talked she told me about how she couldn't trust me anymore because of all the times before, that I said I'd do this better or do that better and whatever efforts I had put forward weren't enough or didn't last. I just hope all of you understand that when you say you're done, and your spouse says they'll do better, it's BECAUSE they care about you and don't want to lose you. And in that moment, them doing better is all they want in the world. So we start trying to, with everything that we have, because there's a threat to something very important to us, looming large. I like to compare ADHD (please try to imagine this) to having 20 channels all on (think picture in picture style) at the same time, with all of the sound coming out simultaneously at the same volume, and having to just make do with that to experience life. You, the non-ADHD spouse, might be able to change to the "laundry" channel for as long as you need, and change to the "kitchen" channel after. If "doing better" entails taking care of half the housework, without you having to make a list, and it's one day after you've told me you're leaving me, I am locking in on the "housework" channels and trying to tune out all others while they're still on. But I have 6 housework channels that I'm trying to stay locked in on, and 14 other channels on the same screen, at the same volume. I'm scared, and hurting, so my mind is saying "HOUSEWORK CHANNELS DUDE" and I'm using everything I have in me to stay on those only. EVERYTHING I have. Every now and then, the video game channel gets a glance, the baseball channel gets a glance, but my fear of losing the person I love so much locks me back on housework. In glancing at those other channels however briefly, or even in just trying to focus on 6 housework channels at once, I may have gotten all of the rooms picked up and the dishes started and the laundry switched over, but forgotten to empty one trash can (we have 5) and to put away the dishes. I can do that for a couple weeks, a month, and the fact that I'm trying resonates with you, and you start to relax. Once you relax, then you start telling me I'm not trying enough or I don't care enough because there were 2 or 3 things I forgot.  then things start getting hairy. I'm already mentally drained from spending this seemingly unending amount of time trying to tune out everything else, I have been literally giving it my all, and you tell me i don't care or I'm lazy because I missed something. What I hear is "nothing you've done has meant anything, because you didn't do this" and my sense of pride in doing what you wanted and showing you I care is completely blown away. Like a house of cards in a hurricane. So you go off and do your thing, and I'm sitting there looking at all 20 channels, and I focus on the housework channels for a minute but I'm deflated and have lost a lot of hope. So the erotic channel or the hobby channel or the new subject channel all seem like they'll be much better able to provide me some comfort and some feeling of fulfillment. I start focusing on those. The whole Time, the housework channels are still on, still just as loud, still reminding me that once again I wasn't  good enough for you. So I'm focused on the stuff that doesn't hurt as much, but aware that I'm not focused on what you asked from me. That makes me feel guilty, and worthless. So what does my brain do? "Housework channels hurt" and locks in even tighter on hobby channels. Before you know it, we're right back where we started. 

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