Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • New to forum & crying out for help desperately PLEASE! by: suga 4 years 7 months ago

    My wife and I are in our mid forties and I have 2 stepdaughter's. My wife has add and my eldest stepdaughter who is 14 years has adhd. My youngest stepdaughter is 12 years old and has the rebellious I know everything attitude of 21. I am what the constant arguments between the girls. Majority of the time I am the one doing the cooking and cleaning up of the house while everyone is on their devices. I am frequently arguing with my wife to have the girls pitch in around the house because the are at that age and can learn to help contribute. My wife is constantly forgetting to follow up with the kids on a major of things. When I am constantly reminding everybody about brushing your teeth, pickup the cup, close the cupboards, etc I am made out to be the grumpy one. 

    I love my wife and daughters dearly but am tired of battling with them and need help before it get too late... PLEASE!

     

  • Cat Scratch Fever by: HyperBallad 4 years 7 months ago

    I haven't written in what feels like years - but thought I'd reach out for some feedback.

    I am actually very depressed. My ADHD partner and I adopted a cat recently - and it caused all sorts of turmoil. I thought the cat would bring us routine and emotional balance. I found her to be delightful and sweet - but my husband seemed to be hyper-focused on her. He became strange, he followed her around and sort of treated her like a dog or a baby. He was constantly monitoring her activity and really tried his best to control her. I enjoyed the randomness. I found it refreshing and loved having something to focus on besides my husband. But he became very upset at it.

    I signed the adoption papers to get the cat and he signed them to return her. He never does anything swiftly - he's always full of excuses, I have to remind him a bunch to follow through. So it was amazing that without my help - he found the adoption agencies website and got the ball rolling on returning her. I suppose I felt like his swiftness sent me a message that he wasn't feeling the cat - so despite my angst and grief about giving her up - I went along with it.

    So, the cat is gone now and I'm terribly sad. The house is quiet. He says he likes the quiet - but I'm finding it depressing. He tried to get the cat back for me - but they said no - because of all the back and forth about returning her. I feel so angry at him - because the cat was bringing me joy during this depressing time and he seems to just want to be miserable.

    Just curious about the hyper focus on the cat though. What was that about? I read that pets bring emotional balance and good health to the owners. I certainly felt optimistic and happy to take care of the cat. But he seemed really irritated and frustrated with not being able to control her.

  • Stress, Anxiety and Depression Drug Free by: J 4 years 7 months ago

    Hi All ....it's been a while! Thought I'd check in and say hello.

    I wanted to start off relaying something that I noticed with my dog. For the longest time while I was still in my last relationship, his fur was sparse, he was edgy and basically a nervous little dog. He had always been a bit nervous but this I attributed it to him being a small breed, he's a Papillon for those who are interested.

    Anyway, it was just recently I really took note at how much his hair had filled in. His coat is thick and full and feels very silky compareded to the last. A dramatic change from the stingy, sparse matted hair I had become used to for so much of his life. Admittedly, I can't say I've done anything different or changed his diet in any way. If I combine this with the fact that he's become more affectionate and much less nervous...I can only surmise this is due to stress and anxiety or lack of in this case.

    Which brings me full circle to myself. I decided to go completely drug free. I've quit smoking ( been 15 months ) and I'm not drinking or smoking Marijuana anymore ( at all ). I'm not even taking Aspirin for headaches which is me, gong back to the way I always was before I knew I had ADHD. This I've found has had some real benefits in being connected to my body and knowing exactly what's going on. There are no drugs in my system to mask other things that might be there,  I can tell what is causing what and how I should respond better than before. The bottom line now is I know exactly how I'm feeling at all times with nothing else contributing to my state of mind or I feel other than me.

    What I am doing as a replacement to drugs as far as my ADHD / depression / anxiety goes...is sleep. And lots of it. I basically have returned to the same practice I used growing up and later to replenish my neurotransmitters when my tank gets low or empty.

    And yes, it makes me a dull boy to be around and kind of a boring person but it works. That's all I can say. I have no one else other than my dog to impress but from all appearances, he doesn't seem to mind.

    If there's one other factor that I could contribute to his remarkable change...I'd have to point to unconditional Love as the cause. There's plenty of that to go around and not a harsh word to be found. If there's any secret to this then I think I've found it. Lots if sleep, good food to eat and unconditional Love. Right now, I'm running with it and it seems to be working.

    Thank you all for your past support and I hope you're all staying safe and healthy during this challenging time.

    J

  • The Levels of acceptance.... by: c ur self 4 years 7 months ago

    In marriage, the life we lead (words and action) is a statement to how we view our spouse and our role in their lives...Does your life say I love you, honor you, & respect you?...? Or is your living of life saying something else? After some quiet time and reflection I’ve come face to face as to why this marriage attempt has just been impossible..,If either spouse views their mate as a recreational novelty; for self satisfying adventures, that they can take or leave with no conscience or remorse, then there is really no chance for a healthy attachment to ever evolve from that relationship....

    This reality isn't one that has just started by no means, it's been there the whole 12 years...What takes so much time to come to peace with this reality is because, it's not ours, and we hate it...It's not ours in a individual sense, so we spend years fighting ourselves (like the lady who wrote anteights poem in the last post) because it's a reality that is being forced on us....It's where the term gas lighting comes from...It's that thing that is so deep that family and friends can't pick up on it, they can only see the fringes it...It has to be lived and felt....It rob's the most inward parts of our being....There is no place receptive of our love...And none returning.....

    This truth will be what will help me attain a deeper level of acceptance....Being me (desiring and attempting to do the relational work, from a heat felt conviction) has had no lasting impact on the coldness and indifference I experience and see in her.....So the answer to why so many posts of this site from people with 30 or 40 + years of marriage are the same story as mine after 12 years is, because it's who they desire to be, and are capable of being in many cases...It will never be us (me)....There is power in this level of reality that can cause us to not engage them....Not because we don't love them, but, because we know God loves us, and he isn't lost on this reality....

    c

  • When trying to find freedom by: anteight 4 years 7 months ago

    I love this poem a woman recently wrote about her experience with breaking free from the emotional abuse

     



    Needing a hug and a long embrace

    But I arrived home to an empty place.

    One that’s filled with fractured dreams

    Memories of what others haven’t seen

     

    Slowly the chipping away began

    All from a nicely portrayed man

    My blindfold was on tight

    But something deep down wasn’t right.

     

    I couldn’t put my finger on it

    It was mostly implicit

    Eventually I learned, just go with it

     

    Life was easier that way

    But then I started to hide away

     

    The ache

    The pain

    It was normal I was sure

    But it kept going and formed a new substructure 

     

    I wanted to please

    I wanted to make it right

    But it turned into fight after fight

     

    The quieter I became

    The better it got

    The eggshells were everywhere

    Peace there was not

     

    The stripping was slow

    The conflict high

    Good times were hopeful

    The confusion woeful

     

    Slowly the lights inside went out

    It must be me I thought...

    he was devout.

     

    The weight of the shame

    The facade of health

    I was longing for inner wealth

     

    The isolation was dark

    The fear was rising

    He put his hands on me 

    The tears were rising

     

    The fight in me had left

    I was sinking deep

    I got lost in the hurt 

    I couldn’t see it was mostly covert

     

    The vision got clearer when he got loud

    The change in eyes was going to deliver my shroud. 

     

    Survival mode set in

    This was all too uncertain

    I knew it was time to pull back the curtain

     

    I’m beat down, crumpled and tossed

    I cannot handle another loss

    Please hear me when I say

    I can’t do this another day

     

    He has eaten away my dignity

    Put his spin on his own enmity.

    But that’s not the end of story.

    This involves the God of glory.

     

    He has seen it all

    And pulled me out

    I didn’t understand what this was all about

     

    I thought I was supposed to stay no matter what. 

    But was there a caveat?

    Marriage was my idol

    I was going to die on that hill

    But I learned, that wasn’t my Father’s will.

     

    He gave me a flickering light in the dark

    And brought very specific people in my arc.

    I was told my boat will float.

    And this is not the time to sugarcoat.

     

    God never left.  He was always there.

    His unyielding love always preserves.

     

    Even when I can’t see it.

    Even when I doubt.

    His goodness got me out.

     

  • Stuffing it again! by: jennalemone 4 years 7 months ago

    I have been doing pretty good distancing myself in my marriage with the results that H seems to want to talk and be with me more.  That took literally YEARS for him to not hide and isolate from me.  He has always had more time and attention and gratitude for everyone BUT me.  But now that I am not giving any energy toward togetherness, he is fine with that and he is still not contributing any more but not hiding and defensive.  So we live our singular lives and the only conversation we have is laughs.  I think that is pathetic but I stopped caring or expecting anything more. 

    Today I am writing because I just hit a splash of intense feelings inside that erupted from something so small.  I was 3 rooms away and he laughed very loudly from the tv.  I lost it.  I closed the door and turned up the music on compter where I am working.  I am LIVID!  from his laughter!  Why does this affect me like this?  

    Because I have been STUFFING it for a very long time.  I hear him laughing at the tv all the time and teasing me and being a silly clown and he seems happy and carefree and I am ANGRY that he is so happy and CARE FREE!  What the heck?  How do I walk through these ugly feelings and yet not stuff some more?  

  • Looking for support and encouragement by: neeniekitten81 4 years 7 months ago

    I am 39 years old and just recently diagnosed as having adhd. I am single but I share a home and life with my sister. Long story short, I believe that my behaviors towards her are adhd based. I know there is more I can do it is just I'm completely overwhelmed. She believes I lied to her about who I was and that I'm manipulating and using her and is constantly angry with me. I can see, after the fact, a parent child dynamic. I feel attacked and nagged and unloved and incompetent. She says she feels used and unloved and accuses me of not caring about anything but myself. She eventually blows up at me and I shut down and then she yells at me more for breaking my promise to be there for her and if eventually ends only when I can calm down enough to somewhat validate her feelings and usually I end up crying and feeling worthless. Am I the only one? Does anyone relate? 

  • Coronavirus Hyper-focus by: swampyankee 4 years 7 months ago

    Anyone else here have an ADHD spouse who is suddenly hyper-focused on COVID-19 above all else?

    I guess I should be glad he's no longer focused on micro-plastics (the latest hyper-focus obsession after climate-change) since everything is now bagged up in plastic.

    I wish I knew how to redirect all this energy into something positive!  

  • Newly Diagnosed and Husband still angry about past behavior by: andreatri 4 years 7 months ago

    I was diagnosed with ADHD combined type a week and a half ago. My husband suggested it to me 9 months ago. I went for a diagnosis with a psychiatrist and he told me that I don't have it. I gave up. I made an appointment with an ADHD specialist and was told last week that I absolutely have ADHD. I was put on medication and I feel like I'm living for the first time in my life. Everything feels different to me. My husband and I are barely speaking right now. When we do, he yells at me about how much I messed everything up. He has so much anger and resentment for me because of all the issues my ADHD has caused over the years. I can't help it and feel awful. I'm learning everything I can about ADHD, am working on behavior changes, building more structure in my life and reading every book I can about it. I'm doing everything possible to be better.
    My husband and I have always had issues, but I never realized that my side of things was caused by ADHD. He actually mentioned divorce yesterday and told me that he's glad I got a diagnosis, but at this point he's over it. I've tried to tell him everything that I'm doing and he says I'm all talk (I made a lot of promises pre-diagnosis that I had every intention of following through with...I just never could) and he'll believe it when he sees it. 
    I've made this major, life-changing discovery and it seems to be too little too late. I can make all these significant changes to my life and it may not save my marriage.

    He doesn't even want to speak right now. I have no idea what to do next. What is my next step? I don't want to bombard him with requests to talk when he doesn't want to be around me. I feel so lost and so sad.

  • Marijuanna increasing ADHD? by: Moz 4 years 7 months ago

    Hi Guys,

    I am new to this community, and frankly pretty new with dealing with ADHD. My husband has recently been diagnosed with ADHD after being misdiagnosed (and medicated) for depression. This caused many issues however he is on medication now and was doing well.

    There has been a lot of trauma and loss in his life, especially recently and it has all seem to come to a head over the last 12 months (mainly due to the loss he has experienced).

    I have found that since his new medication has started, he was doing much better, however has now started using marijuana quite a bit, (which really concerns me as he had an addiction to this earlier in our relationship which he overcame) and I feel this is increasing his ADHD symptoms, more specifically motivation to go to work, memory loss and shortness of temper.

    I guess I am just wondering if anyone else has experienced this in their relationship and how they have overcome this.

    We have really been put through the ringer the last 12 months and I am just at my wits end on how we can overcome this and actually move forward in our lives instead of screwing them up more by possibly not being able to pay our bills or him loosing his job.

     

    Thank you :)

     

     

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