Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • What is REALLY happening in our lives?? by: c ur self 4 years 10 months ago

    I think I have shared some "good" things, (as much as I am able, and been gifted to do) over the last several years on this site...Things that has helped me (and others) to accept the reality of what daily life is going to be like, with a high level add/adhd spouse...Who in my case, and many of yours, is in denial of her behaviors...Behaviors that have intrusive and abusive effects of their spouses....

    Today I want to discuss the long term effects on us, the spouse's....I"ve often said to myself, and to others on this site....We can't make our spouse's our projects....But, under the conditions (trying to love this person, trying to accept them, and being forced to set boundaries in order to curb the effects of their intrusive and abusive life styles) how do we not??....When a person (any of us) is so incapable of ownership of their words and actions, and is completely incapable or unwilling to calmly communicate about their realities, that person will always be a project of sorts, if you abide in the same space with them as one flesh...Most of us will make them somewhat of a project, simply because of our own unmet needs (The pain of isolation and abandonment, of being over worked, disrespected and used thoughtlessly)....So our minds live in this reality "They vowed to fill a role in our lives, and I need it, and desire it"....Expectations die hard, and we can feel like we are giving up, when we totally accept their living of life as the long term reality for our marriages....

    A person I admire on this site, wrote a post recently about where she has come to at this point in her life....And her first statement was...."I regret I didn't leave long ago." I truly understand this statement....I think many here does....To be able to avoid all the pain that we have, and will experience, as the lawful spouse to a person who's mind is lost in denial, is a daily emotional gut punch, that has no ending as long we are with them...

    I must say that I recognize the bravery, and commitment of the non-spouses who has and or making it work....I also applaud the ADD/ADHD minded spouses who refuse to live in denial, and expects themselves to do the marriage work, they vowed to do, without excuse....It's always possible with ownership....But sadly to many take the easy road of denial and blame...

    As for myself...I had very little patients being alone after my first wife passed away....I guess I was the perfect storm...(My children were Christians, they were healthy and happily married, I held my wife's hand in the hospice unit, until Jesus took her hand into his hand, and took her home.) I was a believer, and knew the work was complete for her and I in this life....I knew after 30 years, I was free to be single again in this physical world at age 50...( Yes, I was scared to death, haha! )....My oldest daughter who was age 28 at the time called me and wanted to go for a walk...So we did....Unbeknowing to me (but not surprising, knowing the love her Mother had for me) their mother meet w/ her and her sister...She told them, that I had taken very good care of her...But, I wasn't going to do well alone...She knew me;)...So for them to support me, when, and if I remarried; so they did....(It must of gotten pretty interesting, she told them a name or two to make sure I didn't get entangled with LOL) my oldest daughter only had one request that day...Dad will you make sure she is older than me? LOL....We laughed, but, I think she was serious....I was a very young 50, or though I was;)....

    So what is really happening in my life? I think by God's Grace I see things a lot clearer than I have in the past....I know it's not going to be easy if I continue to stay....I have no fear of leaving, (my life would be so much easier) but I do believe every word that Jesus said about divorce...(The gospel)...So I will just keep on keeping on....Thankfulness and counting my blessings is imperative for me to have quality of life....And just accept what is possible in fleshly form between us....(It could be worse) And don't forget to live, (don't dwell on her life, to the point it limit's my own!) But my Faith isn't in my or her efforts, or lack there of (Ive witnessed those first hand for 12 year now, WOW...LOL) But in the very present and abiding Spirit of my Heavenly Father...

    I understand leaving, and I would never judge someone who did...I don't think anyone should suffer abuse....Is it better to walk away from abuse? or to stay and live in fear, walking on eggshells, and having an angry and bitter spirit?

    It's amazing and sad, that many humans refuse to be responsible until they find themselves alone....They just aren't capable of not using others.....So we just need to make sure we aren't that person....And recognize if we are married to one....We should never put our trust in unstable places, it's guaranteed pain and suffering when we do.....

    I love people; and If I've ever offended anyone here attempting to work through very difficult and unhealthy relationships, I apologize, and ask for your forgiveness...It's never my intention to hurt anyone....Truth alone brings healing, many times facing those truths can be painful....I've only grown in my pain....

    Bless you...

    c 

  • Melissa’s telecourse starts 2/18 8:30 pm EST Woo hoo by: Yinyogi 4 years 10 months ago

    oh wow can’t wait. Who else is signing up??? 

     

    I had already emailed her to ask for couples as my husband has wanted us to do couples again for awhile . I guess she recommends doing the course together before she will consider doing couples. Anyway we had couples several years ago when in the throes of raising 2 teenagers. It was not good. The guy was not that great with coaching couples with one ADHD member. 

    Well at least I have done something positive. He does not know I’ve signed us up . I have read the book twice. He does not know about the book.

    When I get back from my trip I ‘ll broach the subject of the book ADHD Marriage , which I estimate there  is a 70% chance he will not read . Then I ‘ll suggest we do the telecourse with Melissa and see what he says. I can’t text him about it because I have pledged myself to text him as little as possible. He gets aggravated if I ask where to find something and doesn’t respond if I propose a vacation via text so has to be in person.

    Lately I’ve been on a lot of trips because I’m not tied down to work right now and love seeing the country and getting away from cold gravy weather. Honestly I really like just going someplace where I can keep track of my stuff and relax and not have to monitor everything I do. I can’t relax around him anymore. Everything I do or say has to be modulated. Can’t say certain things without  angry off the cuff defensive reactions. I love my solitude and travel these days. Next is road trip is to Florida with our pups. I planned it all. May invite him to join for a week. It won’t be a 12 K sunny island vacation that he wanted because we are working on paying down 2 mortgages. Just a simple road trip with basic accommodations through GlampingHub and Airbnb that are dog friendly. Looking forward to outdoors time and hikes with doggies.

  • Frustration by: Shelleyn 4 years 10 months ago

    Based on my ADHD husband's actions over the past couple of weeks, I really can't help but wonder if after a few more years of research they won't end up putting adult ADHD on the autism spectrum. He went off his vyvanse before Xmas which has been a godsend because it makes him so angry all the time.  But although his mood has been improved he acts just like a child with autism... can't tolerate any noises.... this morning he went downstairs to use his treadmill and I started the roomba in the kitchen....  I heard a bunch of yelling so I went to check if he was ok.  And he was strutting around yelling I hate the roomba.  I just wanted to get that out there.  It's ok if you laugh. I did.  I still am.  Take care everyone!  

  • So glad I’m here! by: September 4 years 10 months ago

    Hi All, I’m new to this site and soooo happy I found it. My husband has add (still waiting for the full diagnosis though). Reading your comments and the blog feels like I’m not the only one struggling to understand what’s going on in my marriage. Sometimes it can be so confusing and crazy making I want to go out and never come back!

    Now, there’s also something new I’m observing recently. Since I know my husband’s add I try to read a lot about it and be more understanding with his anger fits, or when he’s inconsiderate or blame shifting (which he does a lot plus being very defensive). But things don’t improve. On the contrary, if I don’t react to his anger by getting angry myself and try to deal with the situation in a constructive manner, he’s tantrums are even more frequent and it seems like he doesn’t try to fix anything any more. Just last night I ended up being the only one to apologize although my part in the fight was really small. He said he’s not yet ready to apologize himself and continues to avoid me since then (not speaking to me directly if he doesn’t have to). I know he’s currently a lot into reading about add too so maybe it’s just too much for him to accept the diagnosis and put our relationship first. Still, it’s heartbreaking for me and I feel so lonely and angry. Anyone knows this?

    He started his therapy some time ago too, I hope it will help with the symptoms. He’s a very brave guy for not trying to run away from doctors ;), I know it’s not so obvious.

  • Taking medicine only for me by: Momma1234 4 years 10 months ago

    My husband says he is only taking his medicine for me and if it weren't for me he wouldn't take it. This is heartbreaking. I don't feel like him taking the medicine only for me will ever work right?

  • Soul dies at night by: inSearchForHope 4 years 10 months ago

    I do not need help and I do not need advice, just wish for the whole world to collapse with me. No I do not need hope. Hope hurts. Open heart hurts. Everything hurts. Sometimes for a moment I understand it is me, but the thought is do horrible that I blur and fade it away. I want to scream so hard that everything around would fall but I lost my voice. There's night, and in the morning I will have to face him. I'm sick of fear. If people could die from fear I would be long gone. 
    when I met him I wondered why I received such blessing. But that was a curse in disguise. 
    I heard waiting for execution is worse than execution itself. It is. You die piece by piece, bit by bit. Unable to save yourself of speed up the death

  • Breaking point - deflection impacting my self esteem by: SeekingBalance 4 years 10 months ago

    Today I hit a huge low.

    My ADHD husband is an expert at deflecting anything I want to talk about so that everything somehow becomes my fault, triggered by me or because of something I have done. He is struggling to see it, in the meantime I am becoming more and more aware of his inability to take ownership. If he's angry it's because I wound him up, if I raise a concern he raises a different one, if I get upset by feeling let down on something important he says I need to get over things quicker. If I try to talk to him about his reactions he talks about something I've done. I don't mind looking at my own contribution/behaviours but he literally never does the same. If he does ever apologize, he then undermines it by saying something that implies he has no respect for the issue. I.e. I'm being sensitive or its not a big deal.

    I can't talk to him about even tiny things without it being a battle. It's like he feels trapped and reacts by deflection.   He has no empathy and he won't pause to recognise the impact of his own actions or behaviours. He's incredibly sensitive to tone. I have no way of having any of my own needs met as he just finds a way of making it my fault when I try to talk. It must be a very ingrained coping strategy. And the anger he feels is constantly bubbling below the surface. I tell him I'm not the enemy, that our marriage cannot survive if my very basic needs are not considered. He constantly thinks I'm trying to catch him out or trick him. It's exhausting. 

    My self esteem has plummeted and it is impacting my mental health. I have a toddler and feel so sad that he sees me sad. I cried today like I've never cried before (not in front of my child) and my thoughts about myself took an all time low. I know this is due to the way the deflection makes me feel and not feeling that my needs are valued. I don't want to get divorced and I'm so sad and cross that I feel he is leaving me with such depressing options.

    Does anyone have any advice on dealing with deflection? Or helping him to see how ingrained it is and start to make changes? 

  • So Hard! by: sherribrooks 4 years 10 months ago

    This is my first post and forgive me if I ramble but I've got no one to share this with.  I met my partner 6 months or so after my first marriage ended in 2007.  He is ten years younger than me, never married (although he had one long term relationship) and no kids.  I have three grown kids and three grandchildren.  We started living together in 2010 after my youngest child moved out on her own.  I noticed a lot of frustrating behaviors, never cleaning up after himself, leaving cupboard and closet doors open, doors unlocked, light on ect and chalked most of it up to the fact that he had never been married or had kids therefore just didn't think this stuff was important.  I noticed things like conversations with people were strange sometimes, he would abruptly change the subject to something he had researched and knew a lot about (hyper focusing) and didn't understand social cues that the other person wasn't interested.  I actually thought he might have a mild form of autism.  I began to feel that, what I know now is typical for the non-ADHD spouse, I was parenting another child.  I've seen examples of his hyper focusing a lot over the years- he would all of the sudden feel like writing a fictional story and for weeks he would spend every spare moment writing (including half the night) and then abruptly stop.  He would hyper focus on writing for a web site company regarding mobile devices, they sent him to conferences and sent him mobile devices to test and write about and that abruptly ended.  He owns his own business but is also hyper focused on that- he works 7 days a week usually, from 10 am when the shop opened to whenever he gets tired.  Taking a day off was torture for him- constantly on the phone with his staff, would insist he had to go in if things got busy rather than allowing his staff to handle it.  The finances for the business are a total mess but somehow he is still hanging in there with it.  Above his shop, he rents a suite as a staff room but it's outfitted with a bed ect so he started spending more and more nights there with the excuse that he had meetings (involved in politics locally) and it was too late to come home. 

    Finally it all came to a head in December 2018 the day before Christmas when he told me he wasn't doing our usual Christmas - we would always go to a movie on Christmas eve then Christmas morning we would go to one of my kid's houses for breakfast (we all meet there) and then over and done there by noon and we would stop at his parent's house for a few hours on the way home.  His parents aren't in the best of health and he decided that he should go there for several days over Christmas.  And so he did.  And he never came back after that.  We didn't speak for a few weeks then he started texting me- we got pretty honest over text message with each other and I suggested counseling but he didn't ever want to do that.  After a few months of some pretty raw and painful conversations we started seeing each other a few times a week. That has gone on for pretty much the second half of 2019.  We would go out for dinner, watch movies and our recorded shows together.  I walked on eggshells never wanting to "set him off".  His hygiene, which has never been good, really got bad to the point where I could barely stand to be near him until he showered and washed his clothes.  We discussed this, and I told him if this is bothering me, how do you think your customers feel?  He admits that he knows he needs to do a better job of taking care of himself.  

    Fast forward to September 2019- I read a tweet on twitter by someone who has adult ADHD and it was like being smacked in the face!  It was like this person was sitting in my house.  I started researching adult ADHD and realized that it is likely what is going on in our relationship.  I read several books that were recommended on this site and I became more and more convinced.  So I put together an email with some articles ect that really fit our relationship issues and sent it to him to read.  I talked to him a bit about it and explained that I would really appreciate if he read it and let me know what he thought.  Well, it took until the end of November for him to read it and he agreed that he definitely thought that ADHD was a strong possibility and he was willing to look in to it and get tested.  He asked if I could see if I could find a therapist that could do the testing so I researched and found three.  I sent him the links to the websites and left it with him to decide who he thought be the right fit for him.

     I really felt that maybe we were making some progress until last week.  Christmas is coming again, and I broach the subject.  I asked if he would consider spending Christmas eve with me and then I would drop him off at his parent's on the way to my kid's house early (like 7am) Christmas Day.  He danced around my request and never really answered. So the result is that I haven't seen him since Dec 21.  We talked on the phone a couple of times ,the last being the 24th mid day where he didn't say a word about what his plans were.  I got a single text on Christmas morning saying Merry Christmas with a smiley face which I did not reply to.  He unwillingness to compromise or even have a conversation about it left me so hurt.  I just cannot see any light in this relationship.  I've started packing up his stuff and have started composing a final email to him ending the relationship for good.  I've tried for the last year but it just seems like there is no reason to hold on any longer.  There has to be someone else out there for me, someone who wants to spend time with me, travel, do things together.  I'm so lonely.

    If you've made it through this, thank you for reading.  I just feel better writing it all out.  Of course, there are many more things that I haven't shared.  Like many of you, I could probably write a novel about this!

  • A reality snapshot.... by: c ur self 4 years 10 months ago

    This post isn't about add/adhd, personality disorders, bi-polar disease or any other mental, physical or emotional suffering.....It's about Adults, it's about freedom, and being free....Free to take a spouse, to work a job, own a business, to bring innocent children into the world, and parent them...It's about people who live long lives, and survive those lives just fine.....This post is about the responsibility level and attitude of you and your spouse... (two people who chose, and is choosing, to live out their lives together as one flesh)

    Do you have a healthy marriage relationship?....Do you and your spouse both get up every day with a peaceful spirit, and go about being responsible to all the things that you vowed or agreed to be responsible for? (each other, minor children, jobs, family, and other responsibilities)....Are you both open, and approachable in your one flesh relationship? Do you always have a loving and welcoming smile, hug and a kiss for each other? Even though you have marriage vows, are you each others favorite person? Do you love spending time together, and make sure you both seek to do it daily, if at all possible?...IF you both tell each other daily that you love each other, is both of your lived lives bearing that comment out, and making it truth? In 5 years of reading and posting on this site, I don't remember anyone coming her to discuss their healthy attachment...So their is a good possibility most of us can't answer all the above questions in the affirmative....

    So for those of us who do not like our answers, what are we going to do about our own lives? I'm going to give a grade 1-5 to the things I've tried, and the results, and maybe a comment......1 = no help...5 = amazing help....A 0 means just more harm.....

    1) Angrily Demanding her to be responsible to her role, her vows.......(0).

    2) Verbal battling..........(-0) This is the worst thing possible.....Nothing said can be unsaid...Plus my conscience would drive me to apologize for my role in the argument, to a person who's mind is so messed up, she was using my apology as a way to justify her behavior....A person who shows little to no remorse....So I found out, you can never argue w/ her, with out undoing any good thing previously accomplished....

    3) Point out her dysfunction, and irresponsibility in a calm way....(1)....It can be a (2) if it's done in love, and never repeated or harped on...

    4) Disciplining my life to not pick up behind her, even if it means I endure messes that I have great disdain for.....A solid (3).

    5) Discipline my life to not mother or enable her....(4)

    6) Disciplining my life to not expect her to be any different...Even if she surprises me on occasions w/ her kindness....This is a solid 3 for our relationship, But it's a 5 for my emotions....

    7) Boundaries (5)...My wife see's life like an immature child for the most part....Anything she don't like or desire (adult obligations) she basically dodges it, complains about it, (victim) or refuses to take part...This squashes openness, approachability, and forces boundaries in things most married adults could never understand....She can't see the error of her ways....Boundaries are imperative for those of us who can't trust our spouse....Any adult, who looks to control by any means, must face NO's, or they will run over you, take advantage you, all in the name of self interest, and fun....(Selfishness)....My wife know's I enjoy intimacy and an active sex life, so, she will use sex (prostitute herself) trying to manipulate me to travel (intercontinental)....If we do not refuse to share in the things that we know will be abused, then we are asking for the abuses....I will never trust my wife, because she can be bought with frivolity opportunities....If I was laying in bed sick enough to need assistance, and her adult Son (who is much like her, in many ways, self entertainment being one) called and asked her to go hiking or rafting....Based on our past, I have no doubt she would leave ....So would you trust her? LOL...Better question, are you trusting an untrustworthy human, just because you are married to them? Wow, that is so dangerous....Boundaries will force accountability, where it's hated...

    8) Grow a thick skin, and learning to ignore victim and immature comments....(5) (when I can do it.)....This has been vital in keeping our sex life alive...She only likes sex when she's having her O, the starting, the intimacy, the work is to much for her lazy and selfish demenor...And she like many I have read about here, if it is work, or if it's no fun for me...Forget it!....The only time this kind of adult considers their spouse is when it entertaining and fun for them...This part (the not giving, the not doing relational work) is a heart matter to me....She is not idiot,, it's just thoughtlessness...unconcern!...Because if she's being entertained or it's shame driven, the girl can work...

    9) Separation  (4)....My life was so much easier, the house stayed clean and organized...But I love her, and felt I could have done better with wisdom, acceptance and boundaries....So that is where we are today...

    What about you, have you found ways to build ur own healthy life style, no matter the road your spouse takes??

    c

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • HELP My Husband won't talk with me. by: Lee-anne 4 years 10 months ago

    Hi

    I'm new to this forum and have just finished reading Melissa's book on the Effects of ADHD in Marriage.  It was a real eye opener to see both why my husband may have behaved the way he did in our marriage and why I was behaving the way I did in our marriage.

    Here are the basics.  Been married to my husband for 6 years.  We had the typical whirl wind relationship, moved in and married within the first year.  I loved him so much and he loved me.  Pretty much straight after we were married he moved on to a new focus and I started feeling the typical hurt from this and reacted just as Melissa described in her book.  We had the ADHD textbook marriage.  It was a train wreck.  Fast forward to March this year and I ended us for the second time.  Feeling empty, numb, alone, lonely, unloved, unappreciated, exhausted I just could not take the abuse any more.  I honestly felt the way I was being treated was deliberate.  

    After he and his daughter finally moved out (the hardest 3 months I can tell you as he really was not behaving in a very nice way towards me), I could finally breathe for the first time in years.  I enjoyed unwinding and starting to feel again.  I hung out with friends and enjoyed having people who cared about me around me.  I made sure though that I didn't go down my normal path of looking for physical company, which was tough at times, as I so missed that intimacy.  But I felt alive again and could feel.  

    Then my husband told me was looking to move as far away from me as he could as he could barely function.  Something inside me hurt and I realised then that I still loved him.  That I didn't want him to move away.  I told him this.  At this point I really started to see my own involvement in our breakdown.  Piece by piece.  Up until now, I had pretty much blamed him for us not working as he was the one who wouldn't take responsibility, or work on communication, or continued to ignore me.  I was the one who tried.  Well the reality was it was both of us that caused the issues, and I really didn't try.  Or what I was trying was all wrong for what was really the issue.

    The more I told him that it was my fault too, that I could see my mistakes and that I was sorry.  I was sorry for the way I treated him and sorry for all that I had done, the more he pulled away.  The more he pulled away the more I pursued.  About 2 months ago I connected the dots to what seems to me is ADHD and started to research and read.  I told him that I thought I had found what the core issue was and sent him the links to some articles.  I explained that I didn't blame him for any of this, that it was that neither of understood what was going on and that I wanted to accept him for him and was he interested in getting professional help with me.

    Again the more I got excited that I had found the answer to how we could finally work through both of our issues, the less he wanted to talk with me.  He has barely communicated with me at all in the last 2 months.  We had a very brief (I mean like a day) where he seemed to want to try and we organised a date, before he closed down again.  We did go on that date (only a couple of weeks ago) and he focussed on everything but me.  When I asked if there was a reason he told me that he was waiting for me to make the first move.  When I did, he had sex, but I could sense that he was still very disconnected from us.  He left to spend time with his parents over xmas, which is where he is now, and after letting me know he arrived, he barely communicated.  When I asked if there was an issue, he got defensive with me again.  We spoke on the phone and he told me he wanted to run away and start a new life on his own.  That he is scared that he wont be able to connect with me again, that we are in very different places right now, and that he doesn't want to waste my time.

    I continued reading Melissa's book and could see how the way I communicate with him is a massive issue for us.  I focus on what I am not getting from him , rather than focussing on what he is giving me.  So when he sent me a very cold 3 line txt message for xmas "merry xmas to you and your family and to the animals.  I hope that work treats you well for xmas", I was grateful for the insight that Melissa gave me.  I said thank you for his text and the effort it took to write it.  I then sent him a voice message so he could understand that I wasn't being sarcastic, that I truly meant I appreciated what he did and apologised for all the hurt and pain I had caused him by me only focussing on what he wasn't giving me.

    I am at a loss to what to do next.  Do I just not communicate?  Do I try and communicate?  He suffers from anxiety and depression and is medicated for that, and I know his anxiety is off the scale at the moment while he is in flight mode.  I don't want to lose my husband now that I can see the issue, but I just don't know if it is too late, or if he is just scared of facing the possibility of having ADHD (because I am just guessing atm) or is still seeing that I am blaming him for our problems (even though I have said numerous times now that I don't) or it is giving him permission to blame himself for another reason for being inadequate (he definitely has low self esteem).

    Please, any help or advise would be much appreciated.  I am feeling so unsure what to do.

    Lee-anne

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