Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Acceptance and self respect, WOW! by: jennalemone 4 years 8 months ago

    The following is something I just read that speaks to me and to many of our shared situations. Number 6 is especially something I am coming to realize as a truth and something I am working on.  I used to have self respect.  Since marriage I lost it in favor of my own decision to self-sacrifice.  Acceptance is the key, above all else in living with our own selves. Acceptance has been my lesson that I needed to learn. Acceptance is my path to long overdue maturity in my case. I can't and should not try to change someone else. I can only find my self back again. Jenna
     

    Here it is:

     

    11 Cynical Truths About Life That We Still Refuse to Accept


    Happy people don’t wear rose-colored glasses, they just accept the world as it is. And the world has a lot of unpleasant and unfair things in it. And the people who don’t want to notice this, just keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Life shows us that you can’t have everything you want and the sooner you realize this, the better.

     

    1 Life is pointless, you just have to find what you like.
    Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing if our lives have a special purpose. So, what is the point of wasting our precious time on trying to explain the secrets of the world? Everything seems pointless when there is nothing in your life that you enjoy. You have to try to find the things you enjoy and this will let you enjoy your life.

     

    2 Nobody cares about your problems.
    Many people are able to easily tell others about their problems: their back hurts, their salary is low, their boss is mean. But the perception is that these are just talkative people and people are annoyed by their whining and try to steer clear of them. Before you complain about how unfair the world is, think about why you’re sharing this: Are you asking for help or are you just blowing off steam? If someone can’t help you, what is the point of telling them all of this?

     

    3 Year by year, your life becomes more and more boring.
    When you do the same thing over and over again, it gets old. And life is basically just you doing the same things over and over again every day. You might travel, ride a horse, or learn a language, but year by year, there will be fewer and fewer things that surprise you. And you might feel bored more and more often, which is perfectly natural. Here’s some advice from Joseph Brodsky about boredom: “When hit by boredom, let yourself be crushed by it; submerge, hit the bottom. In general, when things are unpleasant, the rule is: The sooner you hit bottom, the faster you surface. The idea here is to exact a full look at the worst.”

     

    4 There will always be someone smarter, younger, and more attractive than you.
    This is especially hard to admit but, you have to in order to realistically estimate your own importance to other people. If you think you are special, you’re living in an illusion and you will pay for it very soon. Why is this a problem? A girl falls in love with a guy who she can’t control and she thinks that he will change with her, because she is special. Of course, this will never happen. Or an employee tells their boss that they are leaving, hoping the boss will beg them to stay. But the boss just lets them go and they lose their job. So, the sooner you realize that there are many people like you, the better your life will be.

     

    5 The closest people to us usually hurt us the most.
    Your loved ones know your weaknesses and sometimes they hit you where it hurts on purpose. These are the toughest times, because we never expect this from them. In order to reduce the damage, just lower your expectations. They are people just like you, they also make mistakes and they have their own desires that are not always the same as yours.

     

    6 People use you because you don’t respect yourself.
    This is simple: if you don’t value your own time and power, you will spend it on other people. And you will feel as if it is your own choice. You help a person time after time and then it turns out that they just allowed you to help them, but they have nothing to give back to you. And when they are tired of you, they might just leave you. And it is not that people are not grateful, it is that you are not valuing yourself enough. Instead of spending some time on yourself, you spend it on others. Think about yourself first and then your relatives and other people who need your help.

     

    7 Your health will deteriorate.
    Obviously, when you are 40 years old, you will not feel like you did when you were 20. The sooner you realize this and do something about it, the better you will feel in the future. Bad habits help illnesses show up quicker. According to doctors, defective genes load the gun and bad habits pull the trigger. This is why you should walk that extra mile, eat a few vegetables for dinner instead of fast food, or take an extra day off if you are tired. And you can’t and shouldn’t treat yourself like a creature that will live forever.

     

    8 When you are old, you will be alone, and you have to be ready.
    And you should be ready both physically and mentally. No matter how sad this is, with age, we have fewer social interactions. Children and grandchildren can’t save us from loneliness and when we are old, we spend most of our time alone. But old age is not all that scary. Nowadays, older people have more opportunities: they can continue working (if they are good at what they do) or have a hobby. It all depends on how you handle aging: if you reconsider your position in society and in the world, you can adapt to the new way of things.

    9 There is always a chance your partner will stop loving you.
    Promises of eternal love are very rarely kept. Social experts believe that people are inclined to change partners. Feelings go away and you should keep this in mind if you are in a relationship. You can’t just let the other person be everything to you in your life. If they one day stop loving you, you will have to build your entire life from ground zero and this is a tough thing to do.

    10 In a relationship, it often happens that one person loves and the other one is loved.
    If you feel that you give more than you get in your relationship, it is because this is probably true. This happens either because your partner doesn’t show their love the way you want them to, or because they don’t love you but they are just comfortable living with you. In the first case, if you just tell the other person about what you want, they may try to change. And if changes don’t happen, then you’re probably experiencing the second problem and you need to decide whether you actually need this relationship.

    11 Working on a relationship is almost always pointless.
    Many people understand “fixing a relationship” as attempts to try and change your partner, set ultimatums, and fight for your own interests. All these actions will probably only lead to a bigger crisis. Instead of trying to get your partner to do something, psychologists recommend giving them what they want. So, you don’t need to work on your relationship, you need to work on yourself and this is true for both of you.

     

     

     

  • Is there hope? (Does medication help with emotional regulation) by: sunshi 4 years 8 months ago

    Hi, first of all, I'm so happy to have found this forum. Your stories and advice come very handy to address my personal situation. I've been in a relationship with my partner who i believe has adhd. He very often gets upset about trivial things, starts to blame and bash about me, and keeps on pushing my buttons until i explode. Fights used to escalate with me screaming at him, with a period where i slapped him out of frustration. Luckily i stopped doing that but started to slap myself because he made me feel so shitty about myself. We tried code words, me walking away (but then he chases me), me trying to reason with him (but he just needs that explosion). Nowadays, i just stay quiet, i take whatever he throws at me and just hope the situation does not get worse. It goes without saying that my self esteem is being imoacted by the constant bashing. We have faced huge changes in our family situation recentand this brought up a wave of harshness i had never experienced before. It took me some time to find a rational explanation for his behavior other than he is a bad guy. I tried to convince him to get an adhd diagnosis but he refuses to do so. Right now we are debating whether we should go to relationship therapy (preferably with someone who has experience with adhd), but before we give it another go, I'd like to have your opinion: suppose my partner would face his responsibility and get an adhd diagnosis, suppose he tests positive, is there any chance he will get his emotional outbursts under control? I heard in a podcast that only pills can solve these outbursts, that cognitive behavioural therapy is not enough. Is that true? And are pills really able to solve the outbursts?  I'd also love to hear some positive relationship stories with adhd-ers if there are any. With the big changes and the constant bashing, i feel completely drained. Of course, this post only talks about emotional outbursts, the issue of hyperfocus is another change in our relationship. I feel so utterly hopeless. Thanks in advance for your advice. 

  • He feels misunderstood by: cennera 4 years 8 months ago

    Hi All,

    My partner has ADHD and he is recently going through a rough period with his work, particularly with the uncertainty of losing his job as well as being in the early stages of his career in his field. We've had a couple of heated conversations where he says that he is not being seen by me and that I don't understand what he's going through. He sees my day-to-day and ends up comparing his situation to mine, as well as his situations to other "careers". I'm generally very patient with him, especially when he has manic episodes due to the amount of stress he's on, but in general, he almost doesn't want to hear what I have to say. I try to be encouraging and I genuinely believe in him, but no matter what I say, I end up being the one told that I don't understand and will never understand what he's going through. For some background, we've been together for almost two years (he's in his early 30s and I'm 26), he's had ADHD since he was a child and he takes a pill in the morning and a pill to fall asleep at night, he has bi-weekly therapy sessions (I am sometimes with him in his sessions and they generally only help in the moment), and at times of very high stress - he ends up having to drink alcohol to take away his present pain.

    I don't necessarily know how to frame my problem other than that I don't know what else I can do to be any more supportive than I already am. I listen and I generally am very objective when communicating to him, but any type of actionable comment or advice I give him will backfire and he will then use his go-to reply of "you don't understand", which does hurt me a bit, but I get it. I see myself as a generally stoic person, while he is pretty much the opposite and can get very emotional. I do love him, so I try to educate myself on ADHD and how to love him, but sometimes it can get hard and I feel like giving up.

    If you have any comments, questions, or advise, do let me know. 

    Thanks

  • Nons in denial too by: anteight 4 years 8 months ago

    Physically challenged vs mentally challenged 

    I’ve been thinking a lot about the difference between a physical challenge or impairment and a mental challenge or impairment. I think a lot of us nons keep holding onto hope because we are told that ADHD is possibly the most manageable brain disorder or mental challenge whatever you want to call it. I think that is the thing that keeps us in such denial that our spouses will get the help they need because we know they can, we know it works, we know it would help. Does that mean we expect them to be 100% functional like a person who does not have an ADHD brain? No I don’t believe that. I believe that us nons are willing to walk this road as though we were walking with a blind person and we are they’re seeing eye dog or cane. They are taking the steps to get from point A to point B and we’re just coming along side to HELP not actually carry them.

    So I was thinking about a person who loses a leg for example they have a choice that only they can make and that choice is to sit in a chair the rest of their life and not try to function even at an 80% capacity or they have a choice to seek medical professionals who can make them a prosthetic leg. They will have to do the hard work of learning how to use it, they will have to do the hard work of the pain that’s involved. The bruising the blistering the soreness the aggravation but they can push through that to the other side. The person with ADHD has many tools, there’s medications there’s cognitive behavioral therapy there’s mindfulness training there’s reminders and sticky notes and lists and deadlines and clocks and timers there’s ADHD life coaches and psychiatrists and counselors BUT only they can choose to go through the painful parts to push through to become a person who can function in this world with Minimal chaos and the only way for them to stop pulling everybody else down into their chaos with them is to either take the steps or lose those closest to them. That is literally THEIR choice and not one of us can make that choice for them. We cannot carry them. 

    I’m reminded of a story in the Bible when Jesus was telling his disciples to go into all the cities and preach the good news and he told them if you go into a city and you assess it and the people there don’t listen to you shake the dust off your feet and move onto the next. I heard a sermon about this and the pastor was talking about what does that dust represent because in those days every road in every city was dusty. He used the analogy that the dust is like rejection    it’s going to get on you and rejection hurts the soul in a way that other things do not. Its a deep deep hurt that turns into hard heartedness anger and bitterness and can make you not want to reach out and help people anymore. So he is saying that bitterness is going to get on you that rejection is going to get on you but don’t let it stay. He’s also saying If they don’t want your help MoveOn it doesn’t say unless of course it’s a spouse interesting! He was saying that some people take your help as trying to hurt them some people take your counsel as controlling them. This is what happens with ADHD spouses who do not take full responsibility for the treatment of their disability. I know it sucks! I know it’s not fair! I know it seems like a crappy hand dealt to you! But lots of things in life aren’t fair!!! 

    I’m also reminded of the scripture where Jesus says behold I stand at the door and knock and anyone who opens the door and lets me in I will sup with them. To me that is a picture of intimacy I want to come in to your home I want to share a meal and food and sustenance with you that’s a form of intimacy but guess what there is no intimacy if the door is not open and you’re not let in. 

    So my take away in this is that those of us that continue to carry our spouse take the blame the deflection the emotional rejection pick up all the pieces handle everything we are in just as much denial and we are killing ourselves for someone who doesn’t want the help. 

    Geturpcebck 

  • How non add spouse can diffuse anger by: coywolf 4 years 8 months ago

    How do you diffuse anger when it seems as though your partner is escalating on their own?

    The other day, my husband had had what seemed to be an ‘edgy’ morning.
    A few problems unrelated to me had come up first thing that seemed to put him off in a way that was a bit out of proportion given the nature of the issues.
    I could tell he was a little off so, although we had a loose plan for the day, I gave him the option of opting out. I offered to run the errands without him and to assist with some of the things he had hoped to accomplish so that he could stay home and work. We own a business together and he gets stressed when he feels like he is falling behind. I thought he might just need some time to focus and catch up.

    The following account may seem tedious, but this is what happened after that:
    He decided he’d like to come and run errands, I started making a coffee before heading out, he noticed I was not doing it the way he thought it should be done and made an off-handed negative comment. I responded defensively (probably should not have - but, it was my coffee and I was making the way I wanted to make it). 
    He then just started in on how I am unable to take any criticism, how this is the problem with me, how this is what is causing his frustration with our marriage… I let him continue for a period of time because when he is interrupted, it just adds fuel to the fire. But, some of comments were really pretty negative and he was not leaving room for any rational conversation about the issue, or way for me to respond. 
    I could see him getting angrier and angrier. Building up a defense for his anger with every sentence. I tried to apologize to de-escalate, but that just made him angrier. He then said he didn’t want an apology, he just wanted me to understand. WhenI responded that I would try to understand, he responded with -  Will you? Will you try? in a very antagonizing way. All of this while physically getting more and more worked up, raised voice, no eye contact, etc…

    We have been together for over twenty years, we run a business together as well. This anger piece has become an issue more recently. In the past two years or so… As our relationship ages, we both seem to be falling into bad habits and this is one that feels more intense now than it did in the past.
    Anyway, I used to push and fight against it and that led to very intense interactions that were extremely unhealthy.
    I have been trying to avoid it and remove myself. Now instead of fighting I tried to de-escate by apologizing but that seemed to anger him more. At that point, I start to panic. I can see whats happening, Im trying to stop it, I start to feel lightheaded, I start to shake and my chest tightens, I cry…
    In this instance, I could feel all of this happening. I gathered my things as quickly as possible to leave the house… I apologized once more and told him I was listening and would try to understand better what he was trying to say. I ran out of the house and left completely distraught.

    A whole day has been ruined and likely he will not even apologize. I know he will recount the interaction in a totally different way. Likely he will rationalize the anger by blaming me for not understanding him. 
    He is a very thoughtful and loving man. He is so incredibly smart and in so many ways he takes responsibility for his actions and his reactions.
    This is something that seems out of his wheelhouse and I’m so afraid of rocking the boat or saying the wrong thing about it that I don’t feel comfortable addressing it with him.

    I guess I just want to know what I can do differently? If I challenge him or try to defend my actions he escalates, if I apologize he escalates, if I walk away, he escalates. In every case, our day, or even days, thereafter are thrown into disarray. He likely will not talk to me…
    I just feel so powerless and discouraged.

    Any thoughts?

  • Blurting out sarcastic statements by: How Long will t... 4 years 8 months ago

    Picture this I am at a beautiful campground with my ADHD husband and we have just gone on a wonderful bicycle ride on a trail that leads to a lake. We are sitting by the lake and my husband suddenly blurts out in a very sarcastic manner "by the way thanks for mending my sweatshirt". I said oh I forgot, leave it out when we get home and I'll mend it. He says, don't bother I took it to get mended, and proceeded to lecture me on my forgetfulness and how I should not be since I am 13 years younger than him. (I am 56). So my question to everyone is does your ADHD partner blurt out sarcastic remarks out of the blue? He just loves to pick a fight. Needless to say it ruined my whole day. I asked him why when he got the sweatshirt out to take to get mended why he couldn't have just handed it to me then and remind me. But the lecture just continued until it spiraled into a handful of things that he had to complain about. This following two weeks prior of him accusing me of having an affair with his best friend while we were all camping together. So add paranoia onto the sarcastic out of the blue statements and I'm ready to pull my hair out. Thankfully he leaves in two months to go live in another state for the summer (yes this is a good thing).

  • Stuck in different bubbles..... by: c ur self 4 years 8 months ago

    I've been very driven the past several months to find answers....There is such a huge myriad of issues in our marriage relationships, that it has been super difficult for me to find the bottom line....Tonight I was reading some of melissa's comments, and other posters, as far back as 10 years....And the thing I keep hearing from the non's is, all the negative effects they are encountering because of the realities in their relationship attempts...Most of the books and articles I've read related to this subject (adhd and marriage) for the most part, is addressing these same topics....

    The effects I read about seem directly related to the reality of the relationship....It seems to be close to the same for many.....Emotional issues....anger, bitterness, stress, frustration....Physical issues....fatigue, bad headache's (migraines)...Psychological issues....anxiety, PTSD, depression, eating disorders etc.....Why?...What is the bottom line that causes mostly healthy people, to end up suffering one or more of these listed issues?

    My theory is, and I'm going to list multiple ways of saying it here....Even though we occupy the same space w/ our spouse (for the most part) we are suffering from, long term separation anxiety....It's the effects of being trapped in a different bubble from your spouse....The inability to attach to a long term/time mate....Everyone of us who are suffering this long term type of abandonment, know certain facts about it...1) No one in my circle (friends, and family) could ever truly understand, it has to be lived... 2) It's never going to change long term for most all us... 3) Because of denial, many of us will never be able to have a real conversation about real life, etc....... The effects of these facts on our minds, eccentuate the hopelessness we feel, which is my theory on why the outward damage to our emotions, body's and minds surface....It's like a black hole....we just spiral deeper and deeper into loneliness, and hopelessness....Places we weren't created to go, so the ugly effects end up being our daily battles....And that will never change as long as we are bouncing around in these un-attachable bubbles...Even though we have some good moments along the way, that reality just makes it worse on our minds....Hope where their is no hope....The dangling carrot effect.....

    Can I prove my theory? Well, read the posts from people who have moved on, what are they saying about their quality of life?....What about those of us who have separated for a period, what are we saying about our overall health after breathing different air.... Am I saying this concept (theory) is effecting everyone who might be reading or posting here? No, I'm not, but, I know it's been my reality....All the work I've done toward acceptance, boundaries, parent/child etc, is for this purpose....To limit the damage on my person for choosing to stay in what is basically an un-attachable relationship.....

    I'm getting more and more numb to any expectations......Which is good....I just try to be thankful for the good moments, but, accept that they will be fleeting....I'm no victim, and have found a way to fight the battle's, without (hopefully loosing site of self care in all area's of my life....That's good....I hope you guy's are taking care of yourselves.....Accepting reality, and our inability to change it, is a huge stress release! 

    Be at Peace

    Night c

  • ADHDers and refusal to communicate by: hereforhim 4 years 8 months ago

    Sorry for my English, I am French speaker with an intermediate level in english.

    Last March I dated a man with ADHD. Everything was fine for 3 months before he moved for his medical internship in July 2019. No news for 3 weeks then he returned at the end of July to finally disappear for good and started to isolate himself. During our last call phone he said to me: "there is nothing to do, we have to wait for it to pass" and he was happy for the texts I sent to him during these time.

    Since then, He has not answered my calls or sms (no message for Christmas, Valentine's Day ..) but continues to read them and we are already practically 8 months later. He doesn’t like texts so we used to call.

    And he continues to make his living as if I'm not there. Didn't block me but just don't answer my messages / calls. I know he reads my messages because once he changed his profile picture several times because of a remark I made.

    I am sure and certain that he has one / more comorbidities in addition to being HP (IQ more than 140) because I even suspected him to be autism during our first date before he told me he had ADHD. For me he is more ADD. He doesn't like confrontation and doesn't like disappointed people. 

    He has no close friends and spend his week-end/free time to read/study medical when it is not his turn to take care of his kid or spend time with family.

    During this whole period, I learned about ADHD and it allowed me to be more understandable towards him and to soften my messages little by little. 5 days ago I discovered 3 videos explained was “common” to be “ghost” because Adhders become bored because little by little, you lose interest because relationship is no longer stimulating that at the beginning. Some return, others do not so I do not know what to do with him. Since I discovered this, I sent him an message and look like he took it in the good way because he started to be more connected and he is reading my texts as soon as I sent them. But doesn't anwer. The only think he hid was changed his picture profile on WhatAps and put the one I like. 

    I begin to lose patience knowing that we are not soon 1 year later and there is not evolution in our situation. I do not want take this as an excuse because it’s also in his responsibility to find a way for communicate and I told him 

    Has this situation ever happened to you ?

    I woud like have opinion from  ADHDers and people in relationship with an ADHDers. 

    Has this situation ever happened to you? and do you get back to people? how are you dealing with this ? 

     

    ps : I also put this topic on another topic. Sorry if it's a repetition.

     

    Thank you in advance for your return

  • ADHDers and refusal to communicate by: hereforhim 4 years 8 months ago

    Sorry for my English, I am French speaker with an intermediate level in english.

    Last March I dated a man with ADHD. Everything was fine for 3 months before he moved for his medical internship in July 2019. No news for 3 weeks then he returned at the end of July to finally disappear for good and started to isolate himself. During our last call phone he said to me: "there is nothing to do, we have to wait for it to pass" and he was happy for the texts I sent to him during these time.

    Since then, He has not answered my calls or sms (no message for Christmas, Valentine's Day ..) but continues to read them and we are already practically 8 months later. He doesn’t like texts so we used to call.

    And he continues to make his living as if I'm not there. Didn't block me but just don't answer my messages / calls. I know he reads my messages because once he changed his profile picture several times because of a remark I made.

    I am sure and certain that he has one / more comorbidities in addition to being HP (IQ more than 140) because I even suspected him to be autism during our first date before he told me he had ADHD. For me he is more ADD. He doesn't like confrontation and doesn't like disappointed people. 

    He has no close friends and spend his week-end/free time to read/study medical when it is not his turn to take care of his kid or spend time with family.

    During this whole period, I learned about ADHD and it allowed me to be more understandable towards him and to soften my messages little by little. 5 days ago I discovered 3 videos explained was “common” to be “ghost” because Adhders become bored because little by little, you lose interest because relationship is no longer stimulating that at the beginning. Some return, others do not so I do not know what to do with him. Since I discovered this, I sent him an message and look like he took it in the good way because he started to be more connected and he is reading my texts as soon as I sent them. But doesn't anwer. The only think he hid was changed his picture profile on WhatAps and put the one I like. 

    I begin to lose patience knowing that we are not soon 1 year later and there is not evolution in our situation. I do not want take this as an excuse because it’s also in his responsibility to find a way for communicate and I told him 

    Has this situation ever happened to you ?

    I woud like have opinion from 

    ADHDers and people in relationship with an ADHDers. 

  • Coping w. ADHD wife by: Jayveekay56 4 years 8 months ago

    I am very new to this, so I'm going to keep this post short.  I was a widower and recently remarried a widow, and we are both retired (in our early 60s).  She has ADHD (self-diagnosed, untreated).  She told me she was ADHD, and I did a little research on the subject, but I sure didn't learn enough to know what I was really getting into.  Now I'm in it.  Wow.  I read of the struggles of others on this site (a site which I discovered not too long ago), and I've noticed that most (all?) the ADHD spouses are the husbands.  I wonder if this is unusual for the wife to be ADHD?  Anyway, we do have many good days, but lots of bad days too, days where I'm the problem (it's rarely ever her, almost always me in her eyes), and I knew what she was like before we married! so I just better accept it or "there's the door!"  I am not really permitted to have a voice or opinion independent of hers.  I'm certain she will never agree to any treatment because she only believes in all natural type healing and does not like medical doctors.  And if she knew I was on this site writing this I'm fairly certain she would "blow up" at me.  In some ways I feel trapped, but the fact is, I married her for better or for worse.  I have no intention of leaving her, so I am just struggling to cope with our new lives together.  I have taken this opportunity to write here because I just need to express myself to someone, somewhere, honestly without the fear of argument or petty retaliations.  I'm not sure how often I'll be able to log on here, but it's a start.

Pages