About 8 months ago I discovered this website after googling ADHD issues and marriage.  I have been married to my husband for 7 years.  The first 2 were good and the last 5 have been awful.  I am remarried and my first marraige was 14 years long and to a non ADHD person, but this person was verbally and emotionally abusive and didn't work for many years, so I had to work 60-70 hours with babies.  Anyways - now I am in this marriage where my husband is not verbally abusive and he is pretty supportive of things I want to do - but our marriage is a diaster. In 2014 I became pregnant and didn't figure I would need to work at all or as much.  I was excited about having a baby with my husband and he was excited as he waited 44 years to have a baby.  I also have three other kiddos.  But since my pregnacy our marriage has been a mess.  He obviously has ADHD and I knew that when we got married in 2012, but he acted healthy, energetic, motivated and well.  He was on medicine and seemed to perform well overall.  There were some areas where he forgot or didn't follow through (taxes) and those were frustrating - but it didn't effect our daily life too much.  However, maybe my brain is closed.  Anyways in 2014 he left a high paying family business.  Since then it's been hell.  He has had multiple jobs and businesses.  He tried to make his part time web design business into a full time gig when we had a newborn.  I told him that I knew in my gut that was a bad idea.  But he didn't listen and I ended up having to work with a newborn.  When my baby was 1 I decided to dive into Real Estate and go back to school - by then my husband and tried his hand at sales for a financial co and also gotten his insurance license and had no success.  We lost one house at that time, and have ended up losing three in basically 5 years.  I have worked my tail off for the last years.  I was supposed to be able to stay home and raise this baby (that is what we agreeded upon) and I have not been able to do that.  Mind you we have 3 other kids that have had to experience multiple moved and lack due to his poor choices.  in five years he has worked at two insurance companies, one finanical company, one hospital sales job anad tried and then tried to do website design full time - none of it has panned out and mostly because he will not follow through.  In addition we have $250,000 in IRS taxes due that he brought into the marraige that is piling up more and more hta the has promised to taken care of.  

Right now I work two job, fulltime 40 hours for my brokerage and I also still sell houses.  I had to quit my masters program (counseling is my dream) becase I basically got burnt out trying to be the main supporter and also take care of 4 kids and go to school . Even though I was able to finish my bachelors in 2018.  

We have been to counseling together (2 years on and off), we have went to marriage seminars.  I have suggested he plug into ADHD resources or coaching.  He is on ADD meds but they are not helping. He knows he has ADHD and know he needs help but he will not get it, he always has excuses.  I found this site actually and got the book and he would only read the first two chapters with me - even though it was all spont on he wouldnt follow through.   I actually seen a decline in him over the last year.  He is rude and angry- he yells at us often and loses his cool more than I can count.  He will not do any of the things myself or other has suggest , like sleeping more, going for walks, eating healthy and using his planner, get a coach, or adhd counselor - accountablity partner - nothing.  He puts on a show for our friends at church and business assoc.  He acts like all is well when it is all falling apart.  This is just a small snaphot - I could write pages and pages honeslty.  Lets take care issues - we have three cars sitting in our drive way broke down.  I have an expensive car that broke in May and I have been trying to handle on my own since then - I actually had to go out and buy a minivan because I couldn't get to my RE apts or pick up my kids, etc.  I got stranged 3 hours away, had to miss health apts and such because he will NOT take care of the vehicles or handle the repairs and even lies about it.  I even lost clients over it - I have done my BEST to take care of some of these car issues myself,

BTW, I do praise him often and encourage him - if he remember to follow through I compliment him and thank him.  I also do have times where I am frustrated and I am "getting" on him - but we are trying to raise four kids, take care of a household, i have a business and a job and I can not do it alone - if I am going to have to I would rather do it alone.

I am so sad. I hate our life together, and I don't want to continue.  We have had SO many talks with promises of him to change and nothing has happened.  I have carried the weight of our life for 5 years.  I hit burnout and my counselor said it's time for him to man up so to speak but I know he will not.  I get that he has ADD and its challenging.  I had severe post partum depression, have been suicidal and depressed and anxious for 5 years - however I still had to make things happne because my kids are counting on me.  We all have struggles and challenges but we have to get help and find things that can help us.  I have done counseling, crisis lines for help, changed my diet and lifestyle, worked on sleeping more - so I could find a small amount of relieft and not totally burn out.  

I am ready to leave honestly - and it's totally sickening.  i thought when I got remarried we would have a great life together.  he seems like  a motivated business man who loved jesus and wanted a family.  Now he just gets by and knows I will make the rest happen.  

BTW - when people say that you should diconnect some and make him experience the consquences of his own choices, how do you do that when those consequences spill over directly upon you and your family.  If he doesn't pay the heat bill and we have no heat and I don't get it on - then we ALL freeze.  If we are down to one car and i miss my sleep study - then I SUFFER.  And on and on - I am the one suffering and the kids - NOT him.

I don't want to get divorced - we have a 4 year old together and I have three kids I have already put through a divorce - but I see no hope.  

Does anyone else struggle because their ADHD partner doesn't have any dreams for the future for you and/or your family? My husband is a wonderfully present man by nature and struggles with planning or looking ahead. I find this really hard because, in contrast, I thrive on working towards exciting adventures in life. I realise I could just plan by myself and fill this need elsewhere but there is still that hole, that lack of shared dreams for us as a couple and as a young family. I also find that when I talk about exciting possibilities he shuts me down, fearful of change adn fearful that if he joins in i will 'run away with an idea'. 

Do I just need to accept this is the way it is?

My ADD H seems to not be able to set a goal or make a plan or think of the future or past...just now....just the happy now.  At retirement, H sits and smokes and entertains himself.  This morning, I suggested a challenge/plan to him for him.  A small area of his hoarded masses to look at and organize and clean.  He ignored me and then went about posturing like an alpha ape, sighing, slamming, huffing, glaring with a drama that the simple request did not deserve.  I realize this is how he has always been but I had in the past just accepted it and sort of blamed myself for being a "nag"...which is a word he used to use A LOT.  That aura of vindictive danger had "kept me in my place" for years . It worked for him.  He is doing it now, just for me mentioning that I would appreciate it if he cleaned a portion of his office today.  

I'm just posting this to help us all realize what is going on and to accept it for clarity, sanity and your own dignity.  

It's not your fault if your spouse reacts this way.  Realize and accept.

Does anyone have an ADHD spouse who, at the end of the day when all meds have worn off, will do extremely irritating and disrespectful things to you just for the negative reaction? He is well aware of the Demons, but seems unable to control them. It seems to be all saved up for me - especially when he's had a bad/stressful day at work (which is most days - perhaps because he seeks out/thrives on drama). I know he loves me a lot and doesn't mean to treat me badly, but cannot stop himself. I'd love tips for curbing this behavior.