Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Am I dealing with an ADHD partner?! by: Sanvean 4 years 6 months ago

    Am I dealing with a partner with ADHD? I noticed that my husband does the following:

    • He has too many online female friends whom I don't know about. I keep finding about other females on his phones and computers and I don't know who they are. I told him that I want to know who they are and how often he talks to them. I think I should at least know who his friends are as he knows who all of my friends are.
    • Most of the times when I talk he either interrupts, changes the topic, or see uninterested.
    • He's very messy and doesn't care much about organizing and cleaning.
    • He misplaces his keys and other things regularly.
    • He accumulates many things like electronics, cassettes, CDs, photos, clothes, etc.
    • If I tell him I don't like what he's doing or saying he can become defensive and thinks I'm attacking him. He does the same with his family.
    • He complains that he doesn't have anyone to talk to, no one listens to him, and no one is close to him.
    • He wants to have it his way and will do anything to do what he wants regardless if it affects others. 
    • ‌He gets easily fixated on something and won't stop doing it. He'll go deeper into it without concern if it's impacting the relationship.
    • He can be impulsive, irrational and irritable. He also has a lot of energy and likes fast-paced things.
  • ADHD or not??? by: gertrude 4 years 6 months ago

    Hi all,

    I've been reading stuff on this site for over a year but this is my first post. I have a partner who has self-diagnosed himself with ADD (not with a test or anything,he just says he has it), but his therapist didn't diagnose him, and a psychiatrist that we went to together said his symptoms point to anxiety rather than ADHD/ADD. So I don't know who to believe. In the beginning of our relationship I gave him the benefit of the doubt and that's why I went on sites like this and others, to be able to support and help him to the best of my ability. However I increasingly feel that his ADD self-diagnosis is just his way of justifying his shortcomings and misdeeds, without actually sincerely wanting to learn about himself and see how he can improve and manage things better. He has a tendency to assign blame externally and absolve himself of responsibility and accountability, and I think this ADD thing might be part of that. (side note: he also has sometimes said that he either currently has, used to have, or thinks he has, one or more of the following at various times in our relationship: OCD, autism, bipolar, borderline, major depression, general anxiety, social anxiety, panic disorder, and others. His story changes over time and I don't think he has ever actually been diagnosed with any of those except for general anxiety). For some time I suspected him to have some kind of Munchausen-like thing, but it didn't quite fit the bill. Then lately I came across the term Vulnerable/Covert/Hypersensitive Narcissist, and he scored really high on the test for that, but for some reason got upset and refused to add it to his list of potential diagnoses. I feel like a bad partner because the word "narcissist" is associated with so much stigma it's basically just like insulting him, and I hate upsetting him and I know he gets upset super easily and I knew that by sharing this information with him it would upset him, but I did it anyway. But I do think it's a strong possibility.

    The problem is, during this lockdown obviously we can't go see a therapist, but even outside of lockdown, we're too broke to afford a specialist and after losing our jobs due to covid, even for regular therapy now. So getting a second professional opinion is out of the question. How can I get through to him that he needs to be honest with himself and with me (and his therapist), and work on his shortcomings/manage his limitations/teach me how to best support him? And is there a way I can tell if he likely has any of those conditions or more likely not? I'm at my wits end here.

  • Not using calendar equals taking it out on me while I am working at home by: bowlofpetunias 4 years 6 months ago

    I have been telling my wife for weeks that she has not been keeping track of appointments on our shared calendar or her own calendar.  For example, just before the stay at home period started, she had made an appointment with our couples counselor and forgot to tell me about it.  I stopped off at the drug store on the way home to find her not there.  Our daughter thought she was at a store.  When she got back, I THEN found out that there had been a couples appointment that i would have needed to drive to immediately after work in order to make it.  Worse still, she forgot about the appointment until the counselor called her and then she went for the second half (without telling me!)

    Our 11-year-old daughter finally started seeing a therapist shortly before the stay at home orders.  She had previously resisted.  Yesterday, during lunch, I asked my wife if our daughter was going to be doing a zoom session with the therapists soon.  She said there was one scheduled for that after noon.  But it wasn't on the calendar!  At 4:30, she burst into my work area and I asked what was wrong.  Our son's case manager had called and said that he was not on his scheduled session.  So she had to go and get him on--I have had this happen with other things involving our son.  But during that time, she missed all attempts by our daughter's therapist to contact her about our daughter not being online.  She finally got online for the last 10 minutes, but we still had to pay for the whole session.  All this time, she was yelling and screaming, making me feel attacked.  After she finished telling the story and I had made some suggestions, she did not say anything for several minutes.  I reminded her that I needed to get back to work. She yelled at me, "Well, you asked!" and stormed away.  But 1) She initiated the interruption by entering my workspace , 2) Of course I asked because she came in an was clearly upset, and 3) I listened and made suggestions until she fell silent.

  • How can I move past the hurt and anger? by: SeekingBalance 4 years 6 months ago

    I feel very stuck. There has been so much long lasting hurt and anger, caused by actions that continue. I have no idea how to summon up the inclination to change myself as part of the process to save our marriage. I really need to see changes in my ADHD partner first to move forward. I realize this isn't how I should be approaching things, it's just so difficult. How can I shift my mindset and move past the hurt and anger?

  • Meditation on Easter Sunday by: jennalemone 4 years 6 months ago

    I had at first spewed out some unhappy thoughts here which is not what we need today. Then I replaced it with this:

    I will be meditating and prayerful today toward acceptance and strength and wholeness during our time of separateness this Easter Sunday.

     

    Do you have a personal method of calming and enjoying being by yourself, feeling sure-footed or just not alone?

    Do you remember a small activity that gave you the quiet feeling of celebrating "just being"?

  • New to forum - non-ADHD partner call for help by: madaus 4 years 6 months ago

    Hi all

    I am a non-ADHD man of 46, I have been 7 months in a relationship with an ADHD woman of 39. She was diagnosed very late in her life (34) and she takes medications since then. As far as I know, she has never done any therapy (cognitive or functional), which I believe would have greatly helped her to reduce all the symptoms and dysfunctions she has (very OCD, hoarding, anxiety, impulsitivy, controlling, uncontrolled fears). Plus she is a very smart woman, and she has the know-it-all attitude, therefore not prone to compromising and discussing things. Things must be done her way, she is very dominant.

    Her family is aware of her being ADHD, but they have no clue of what she is like sa a partner, besides she had lived on her own for more than 10 years, and her family sees her as an independent woman. They are well aware of her failed past relationships and know it is hard to get along with her, but they do not really do much for her other than treating her like the other sons/daughters. I am convinced that they should take more care of her, since she was diagnosed (at 34), they should have helped her improve the quality of her life, probably by convincing her and support the cost of behavioural therapy, which she really needs!

    At the beginning of the courtship, she was very committed in 'behaving well', she told me she was committed into making our relationship work. Two months later she admitted she had ADHD and takes medications regularly. I embraced this, I had no idea what it meant. But she was behaving well, she told me 'as long as I take medication I am perfectly normal'. But that was not true actually. The medications are just a small thing, not enough :(

    Now, since she moved to my place a few weeks ago, she has shown all the bad traits of her dysfunctions: procrastinating, not following up on things, denying, etc, impulstivity, uncontrolled expenses, hoarding. Which leaves me very desperate as I am deeply in love with her and wish our relationship to work. But I am new to ADHD, do not know exactly what to do. I bought Melissa Orlov's audiobook, which I am listening and am close to finishing. I got very emotional at listening to it, I have seen myself in the same situations described in the book. and now I got to the point that I need help to help her and make the relationship blossom - but I don't know how and what to do.

    Trying to talk to her, convince her to do some therapy (maybe together) or counseling - would be impossible, she denies she needs any help, she believes the medication is enough. Even though the reality of the fact is a house that is messy already with all the stuff she brought from her home, and is sitting everywhere ('I will fix everything tomorrow'), her laziness has now 'contaged' me because I have no push, no desire to do things on my own (because she would not do things she doesnt like).

    I really love her and want to make it work, don't want to give up. But my question is: if she doesn't want to be helped to be a better person, to live a normal life, what can I do? Just adapt and give up on having a normal life? :(

    Thanks for reading

  • The end of what never truly was..... by: c ur self 4 years 7 months ago

    Hi All...I've entered a new phase of life when it comes to the relationship (the suppose to be marriage) that I've been in the past 12 years....I've read many of your post over the past (6) years as you have mine....In mine, and most of you guy's, there has been very very few happy endings....As I set here w/ my coffee this morning (reading a few post) the reason for the lack of happy endings is pretty clear to me....It's selfish based priorities;...Just like one of the last posters was stating about her husband....Overboard and thoughtless when it comes to sex in the marriage....So many of us can identify w/ her....I sure can....I make sure my wife orgasm's at least once every time we have sex...Why? Because it's my responsibility to please her....But, that is where it mostly ends when it comes to anything mutual....What is common for her is....Delay it as long as possible, control everything about it, position's etc,.. Then complain about it (no matter how gentle I am, no matter how much I make it about her needs) while I'm trying to enjoy us....The minute she cum's I better be about done because she demand's to lay there untouched and enjoy her after glow....You know, a man will put up w/ a lot in order to have some semblance of intimacy....LOL Oh me.....But, thankfully I've reached the place I don't feel like I have to seek it from her, so as to create peace, and destroy just one more self inflicted suffering opportunity....

    Anyway this post wasn't suppose to be about sex (but, it obvious to me, that I'm mad about not having it, the way I allowed it to side track me....HA HA).....I asked her to leave over a month ago, but, she just isolated herself in the guest room (she has mostly been living in there for a year or so.....About a week ago (once she realized I was honestly done, she still don't believe it, who would, after 12 years of pursuing peace w/ her, no matter what was going on between us) she started engaging, like everything is fine and dandy....You know the MO....But, I'm not biting, I'm done.....

    The thing is (What I really want to post about) we've never had a right relationship....The simple truth of it is, she has never chose to honor her vows, and invest herself in the simple day to day things all good marriages have....As a matter of fact, she has selfishly fought it....So the best thing I can do for her is to step out of the picture so she can live the life she wants to live.....And, that has never been one that looks any thing like the one God's word says we should be enjoying....The bottom line for me, and many reading this...Nothing we can ever do will make them take on a thankful spirit that desires marital unity, vs the selfish and self absorbed mind that they live in, justify having, and nurture each day....

    Oil and Water will not mix.....I plan to be kind until she decides it's over,and leaves....I would pack and leave, but, this house belongs to me, was paid for by me and my late wife....She still has a 4 bedroom house setting empty (hoarder, can't get rid of anything) that she can move into....It's 2 miles away...But at this point that would feel like a million.....I'm excited to get to clean my environment up again....I'm no clean freak, but, I clean as I go, and my place stay's pretty orderly, put things in their place....But that part of my life has been undetectable for 12 years...LOL.....

    I want her to be happy and entertained (that has been her main priority since I meet her)  and it's not happening with marriage vows hanging around her neck like a mill stone......Beside's I matter also....I can find new friends, and enjoy my family....I will be fine.....I hope this post helps you to see the reality of your own lives...I'm no advocate of divorce, not by a long shot, but, I dislike abuse, abandonment and indifference even more....I don't have to use this break up as an occasion to sin....If that was my goal, I would have left long ago....

    blessings to all...

    c

  • When your marriage is a pandemic.... by: c ur self 4 years 7 months ago

    Any of you who have been married to a high level add/adhd person in denial for any length of time now, know's that this physical and social distancing is no big deal for the most part....We live that way everyday in our own homes.....I'm sorry for those who are hurting and suffering...Hopefully the world will come out of this stronger, with a better sense of what is truly important....

    Bless you all....

    c

     

  • My ADHD partner is too overly sexual and lies by: mika_xo 4 years 7 months ago

    Hi everyone, im new to this forum and can very much identify with many of the issues discussed on here

     

    I have been with my ADHD partner for 4 years now. Married now for 2 years.

     

    From the very begining of our relationship I knew something was wrong, ive never encountered anyone like him ever. The immense energy (extremly loud, nonstop talking, all over the place, extremly touchy etc) short attention span, not reading body language etc. But I was in a bad place when we got together and was glad about his other side, very loving, affectionate, would do anything for me, constant poems to me, just made me feel like the most special girl in the world, which instantly hooked me.

    So I put up with all the bad stuff, and there was alot of it. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was a kid but he never really mentioned he had adhd to me when we first started dating. Since I had no idea, I assumed he just had a very "unique" personality.

     

    We have had many problems in our relationship, however the biggest problem is with him being overly sexual/perverted and lying constantly. ill give some examples:

     

    • After we first got together I started to notice he followed alot of pornstars on social media (I guess that shouldve been my first red flag maybe), I expressed to him I dont want that kind of thing in my relationship if we are to continue dating because I was in a previous marriage where my ex husband followed pornstars on social media and eventually left me for one (so im fairly sensitive to it), so he unfollowed all them and promised me it would never happen again. 2 weeks later he's following them again and when I asked him about it his response was "what do you expect? you dont give me anything naughty". The only reason I didnt give him anything naughty was because we were still kind of new in our relationship and at this time our relationship was long distance, I was working my way up to sending him things and I told him that previously.

     

    • He has told me before and I quote, "my sister is damn hot". And the first time I ever met her (was christmas eve) he groped her breasts infront of me. The sister laughed and it was a "joke" between both them it seemed, but I found it incredbily innapropriate and uncomfortable. And he couldnt understand why I was mad about that.

     

    • Tells me every female he finds hot and attractive, we have even been naked cuddling before and he will do that. Ive asked him to please stop and he promises but keeps doing it. 

     

    • He has promised me he would stop talking to pornstars online via social media, he has broken that promise 3 times over just months. And when I bring it up he yells at me even though he is the one being deceptive

     

    • For my birthday one year he bought me a $10 top (one that was complete opposite ide ever wear, so it felt like lack of paying attention to what my style is) and weeks later he expressed he wanted to buy a girl hes friends with online (hes never met her, shes in a complelty different country) a $400 gift (something I would use). I asked him "why" and he told me "just to be nice". So I get a $10 top for my bday and a girl online I dont know and hes never met gets a $400 gift "just to be nice". Which raises suspicions to me.

     

    • There have been times I have gone to him crying and ill be sitting there crying my eyes out looking for support from him and within 5 min he will start talking about how he wants sex with me

     

    • Nonstop tells me how much he needs and wants sex every single day. We cant have a normal conversation with him turning it sexual

     

     

    • I cant have a shower, or get changed without him trying to have sex with me. There have been many times where im trying to get changed and he comes up behind me and knocks me over trying to have sex with me. Even a little glimpse of my cleavage he tries to have sex with me. Or even just a simple quick hug he tells me hes turned on and needs sex now. Its literally everytime

     

    • When I finally did give him naughty photos, he showed all his friends online. Which left me completly mortified.

     

    • When we do have sex he is constant "gogogofastfastfast". He goes super fast and when hes done 2 seconds later he demands more. Sex is only about him, he has never made me cum or asked what I like. He is rough and fast and just nonstop going. 

     

    • Strikes up conversation with every female when we are out. Never any males, just females. We have been on dinner dates and he will chat up the waitress for 20min straight and flirt with her right infront of me. (I dont have an issue with him talking to females at all, but its EVERY female and never men)

     

    • There was one time (at this time we were long distance dating for 2 years) I was feeling very suicidal at the time, I was being heavily stalked and threatend by someone and I had to get the police involved. It was a very scary time for me. My partner knew what I was going through and knew I was suicidal because of what was happening. I went quiet for about a day and a half and within that timeframe my partner started following pornstars again on social media. I confronted him on it and his response was "oh..well I thought you killed yourself thats why I started following them again".   I cant tell you how much that hurt me.

     

    • The one that bothers me alot is, when he wants sex he demands it. There have been countless times where hes touching me and expresses he wants sex and I just simply say "not right now im not feeling well" he will pursue it and keep touching me. Ill say "No" 5 times over, give him body language im uncomfortable, ill back up or move away and he will still pin me and constantly tell me "But I want it" and then he will have sex with me.

     

     

    theres lots more scenarios but I dont want to make this too lengthy.

     

    Dont get me wrong, I love sex and being sexual and intimate. However things like this deter me away from wanting sex with him. Its just nonstop him wanting sex and lying with him (also his other ADHD symptoms, we have the parent-child dynamic which kills sex for me). Ive expressed to him over and over these things push me away from having sex with him and if these things stop ide definatly be open to have more sex. Ive even suggested we try new things to spice things up, ive got us intimacy books for us to read together so we can be more intimate etc, I just need these over the top overly being sexual and pervy things to stop. Ive read adhd books to try and understand all this better, ive tried to sit down and communicate with him and nothing ever changes. I feel like im losing my mind and that im with someone who is just a perv and who just wants me for only sex

     

     

    I guess im just lost. Ive told him so many of his actions have emotionally destroyed me but it feels like he doesnt care, im so close to filing for a divorce. To me it sounds like a sex addiction and ive brought this up to him (not aggressively like blowing up at him) and to maybe see some counselling and he freaks out on me and tells me he doesnt have a sex problem and blows up at me and says all these things are minor and normal. Can anyone help me make sense of things...or have any of you been in a similar situation?....

     

     

     

  • New to forum & crying out for help desperately PLEASE! by: suga 4 years 7 months ago

    My wife and I are in our mid forties and I have 2 stepdaughter's. My wife has add and my eldest stepdaughter who is 14 years has adhd. My youngest stepdaughter is 12 years old and has the rebellious I know everything attitude of 21. I am what the constant arguments between the girls. Majority of the time I am the one doing the cooking and cleaning up of the house while everyone is on their devices. I am frequently arguing with my wife to have the girls pitch in around the house because the are at that age and can learn to help contribute. My wife is constantly forgetting to follow up with the kids on a major of things. When I am constantly reminding everybody about brushing your teeth, pickup the cup, close the cupboards, etc I am made out to be the grumpy one. 

    I love my wife and daughters dearly but am tired of battling with them and need help before it get too late... PLEASE!

     

Pages