Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • pouting by: dvance 6 years 1 month ago

    Oh good lord the pouting.  I feel like I am trapped in a really bad remake of Groundhog Day.  We just go over the same stuff over and over and over and DH wonders why I am counting the days until we can end this pathetic excuse for a marriage.  DH is overweight but has junk food, pop and candy hidden in his dresser drawers.  He gets headaches from an outdated glasses prescription and won't make an appointment to get new ones OR let me make it despite there being an eye place that takes our insurance, is open on Saturdays AND is blocks from our house.  He has bad knees and won't go to the doc for that.  He has bad teeth and won't go to the dentist for that.  He needs hearing aides and won't act on that either.  We have insurance for all of those things AND doctors/dentists that the rest of us go to in the neighborhood.  I have been to see a social worker at this community resource center for women who want to divorce and I have some information about how to proceed.  The first thing to be done is pay off as much debt as possible which I have been doing.  I am actually really proud of how much I have paid off.  Tomorrow I am mailing off two more big payments that will finish off those two.  So every time I mention that when our lease is up in May we should go our separate ways and every time DH acts surprised.  I can't take it any more.  I feel like a big huge b**ch every time.  He keeps saying he thinks there is hope for us, that he hates how things are between us but doesn't know what to do about it.  And every time I say WE ARE DONE and it feels like I am kicking a puppy.  How can he possibly think there is hope??  I have said the words THERE IS NO HOPE.  I DO NOT WANT THIS LIFE ANY MORE.  How much clearer can I get??

      He has been sleeping on the couch for the past month.  I have no idea why--nothing specific happened.  When I asked he said I told him to one night--I woke him up in the middle of the night when he was snoring and told him to go sleep on the couch.  So that is what he is doing.  Wouldn't you think I meant just that one night??  I have told him THREE TIMES he does not have to sleep on the couch any more, that I don't remember saying that, that he has been snoring for 23 years and yet...still sleeping on the couch.  So I stopped bringing it up.  Tonight I was telling him something and the whole time I was talking he was drumming his fingers like I wasn't talking fast enough or whatever.  So I said something.  I asked if he realized what that body language says to the person speaking.  He got totally angry and defensive, said he wasn't doing that (he was) and he didn't mean anything by it.  I asked if he did that to people who were talking to him at work and he said he didn't know.  I sure hope not, although it would help explain why he gets fired every three years.  And he got so defensive that I got up and left because clearly the conversation wasn't going to end well and he got silent and pouty. I had to run across the street for a couple things for dinner and when I got home, he said he wasn't hungry.  So he isn't eating now.  Pouting.  So juvenile.  It's the same cycle every time I call him out about some offensive behavior.  He gets mad then silent and pouty.  This will probably last a few days which should be GREAT because we have a two hour drive on Sunday to an event for the youngest son that lasts most of the day out in the middle of nowhere.  It's going to be a very silent day.  I hate driving with him.  I hate the weekends.  Not in a good place right now.

  • The inevitable end by: GamerBehaviorist 6 years 1 month ago

    I’m not angry or mad, just confused and very sad. My partner and I are approaching our year anniversary and I can’t stop feeling like it is all going to end. I watched my previous marriage disintegrate over a 5 year period and I know this relationship is heading the same way if I can’t pull it together. The symptoms I struggle with the most are active listening, remembering to do things, organization, impulse control and emotional regulation (All your typical adhd complaints). Once I make a mistake I fall into a spiral and I can’t stop thinking about how I messed up and the damage it is doing. Because of this, I make further mistakes and the cycle continues. 

     

    My partner is amazing and she has been so patient and understanding but I know my behavior is extremely frustrating for her. She has communicated this to me numerous times over the past few months. It was easier for her at the start of our relationship because I told her that I would change and I just needed to come up with plan. I did come up with a plan. I’ve come up with hundreds of plans. I’ve tried them all and nothing works for more than a few days. I’ve started medication again and have played round with different types until I found the one that has the least amount of negative side effects. We have a shared to-do list and grocery list so I don’t forget to buy what I went to the store for, and it works for the most part... unless I forget to take my medicine, or my phone dies, or I just spend 3 hours at the store for trip that should have only taken 30 minutes. I’ve read everything I can about strategies for adhd, communication tips, love styles, how to make adhd relationships work, executive functioning deficits... I know the skills and strategies I need to use in order to make this relationship work yet.. I can’t seem to put it together consistently enough to make any type of lasting change. Nothing comes naturally to me.

     

    i can’t promise her that I can change any more because i really don’t think that I can. It doesn’t stop me from trying though. My partner means the world to me and I want her to be happy. I feel like I’m creating more stress than happiness and I’ve become an emotional mess in the process. At the end of the day I’m just excited that we made it through another day as a couple. 

     

    How can I really change? Can I really change or is the end of this relationship inevitable? She deserves someone who will take care of and make her life easier, she deserves a lot better than what I’m giving her. I feel so defeated.. 

  • I believe. by: AdeleS6845 6 years 1 month ago

    I believe that in some cases, it's not that the person with ADHD is incapable of changing. I believe they don't change because things work better for them the way they are. They are simply unwilling to change. Why would they want to change when they get their way most of the time and they have someone who is willing to do all the little things in a marriage / relationship that they themselves don't want to do?

    My partner has ADHD and we are not married. We don't live together because I have a daughter 15 who is still in high school. I cannot move in with him yet, because I would have to drive her from where he lives to where my daughter goes to school and I currently live. For me driving her back and forth on the weeks that I have her would be too stressful. I work full-time and I go to school part-time.

    I am 53, and my boyfriend is 51. He was diagnosed with ADHD years before I met him. He has had two failed marriages and other failed relationships with women partly as a result of his ADHD not being treated properly. He is not medicated, because he didn't like the way that he felt while he was on medication. His ex-wife liked him on medication because then she didn't have to deal with his exuberance and hyperactivity. After years of struggling in his life with lack of organization, lack of focus, and financial problems, he decided to go to a behavioral therapist.

    The therapist helped him create routines and he is very particular about sticking to them. He does the same things in the same order every morning before going to work. It has saved him financially. In his daily life he keeps a very neat house and is on top of every penny he spends. Because he is a computer geek he has everything organized on his computer including a spreadsheet where he tracks his money. (He can tell me exactly how much he spent in gas over the last 5 years.) Some people might think it's a bit extreme but it works for him.

    He does these things because he was tired of living his life the way he was. He made that choice to do better and did it without medication. He has had problems in the past with over self-medicating with marijuana but he is looking for other ways to deal with ADHD issues and chronic problems with his back.

    I don't know what life will be like once we are married and living together.  I hope it will be much like it is now when I stay with him every other week when my daughter is at her father's house.

    I don't have half the problems with my boyfriend that I did with my ex-husband who was controlling, narcissistic and abusive. I believe we all make choices in life and ADHD or not you can choose differently.

    I'd like to add to the end of this post that I realize there are variations with ADHD. Some cases may be more severe than others.

  • Living Near Family? by: balltobe 6 years 1 month ago

    Like many in this forum, I feel lonely and isolated much of the time due to my husband’s self-centeredness and unreliability.  He has indicated that he’s willing to work on his behaviors, but I know it will be a lifelong struggle for both of us (assuming we make it that long).  I am close with my family, but they live in another state.  I’m starting to think that the only way I’m going to make it in this marriage is to move close to my family.  I’m not sure my husband is ever going to be able to be present in our relationship the way I need him to be, but I think with the presence of other close family I could be content in our marriage.  We have significant financial and business entanglements in our city, and it would be tough to relocate, but life seems too short to be this unhappy.  I’d appreciate any thoughts/perspectives.  

  • I asked for some time out .. by: pinkiemartini 6 years 1 month ago

    hello !

    In my other post I wrote about how I moved from Mexico to the Netherlands to be with my partner ... and how in this 9 months of been here have been a nightmare. 

    The last 2 weeks have been very like sad and not positive at all. He mostly spend most of the time in his room usually for listen music and sleep. During the day I try to study dutch by myself (because the schools are quite expensive right now for our budget), walk with the dog and cook for dinners. Sometimes during the mornings we share coffee and breakfast together ... that mostly depends if he is awake. Otherwise I do my things on my own. However, this tuesday one of the therapists came to visit him (he gets the visit 2 times per week) and he noticed how he was more like attacking and not open to listen and blame me. One of the things he said is that "she cares too much for me if I eat or not" .. of course, I felt sad because I truly believed I was doing something good for him. During these 9 months, I believed that a good combination of enough rest/sleep + good food + his skills therapy + his medicines was the good equation in order for him to be "fine" ... but i was wrong. I kind of explained how I also feel and even the therapist said "i dont think he really realizes he can lose you" .. 

    Next day he was completely sad and crying that he didnt want to lose me and not break up. However I still tell him in the best calm way .. I need time for me, I need time to process these 9 months, I need to be with my family and I also need help for myself. I dont picture myself anymore having children with you if the situation is like it is now nor growing and becoming older together. I cant picture it anymore. I asked him to please do what he knows works for him and dont screw it again. 

    Yet he blames that sometimes is because he gets the wrong medicines or it is someone else's fault ... the therapist told me in private "if he doesnt recognize that he is the one who is screwing himself, nothing will help him no matter how much support he has" ... and that is sad and I wish he could see it and understand it but he has been on his own for a very long time, he was never diagnosed as a child and he is stubborn and do what he wants ... 

    I feel sad because I love him and I truly want the best for him ... but I dont want be drained in the process. I still have to love myself otherwise I will end up very bad. Reading the experiences from all of you has helped me to realize that this is not a "take this pill everyday" but more like everyday is a challenge ... but at the same time, I dont see myself with someone that can also blame his own disease instead of recognizing his mistakes like taking overdoses of medicines because he thinks is right in that moment. 

     

  • It's not your rug. by: jennalemone 6 years 1 month ago

    I sometimes wonder how I got into this situation with H.  How did I eventually let my guard down so much that I daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, decadely permit myself to be regretful and confused?  

    I am deconstructing our conversations to find clues and here is one. This just happened:

    Me: With a positive tone, "I like to stand on this rug"...(it is nubbly textured on stocking feet).

    H:  With an argumentative tone, "You can't stand on that rug.  It isn't your rug."

    I walk away. flummoxed. again.  OK, let's give H a benefit of the doubt that what he said was said to be cute and sassy rather than to really want to throw verbal darts at me.  Over decades of his little sassy "put-downs" it has worn on my own knee-jerk reactions to make it feel like another tiny gut-punch. So, I am trying to positively change my self.  How could I have responded?  I DO NOT want to have the relationship with H that is filled with sassy comebacks and jovial sparring constantly like it seems he wants our relationship to be.  To me that is not an intimate relationship but is sophomoric. His humor is baser than mine and is mostly sarcasm and inane teasing rather than witty repertoire ....and I really don't know if he was joking anyway.  Let's see some different scenarios than me walking away feeling gut-punched....

    Me:  "I like to stand on this rug"

    H:  "You can't stand on that rug. It isn't your rug."

    Me: "What do you mean, it isn't my rug?"

    This would start a verbal argument about where the rug came from. Why it isn't my rug to stand on.  Me saying I have a right to stand on all the rugs in the house...yada, yada.  Another verbal sparring that H seemed to want to have and I fell for it.

    Me:  "I like to stand on this rug."

    H:  You can't stand on that rug. It isn't your rug."

    Me:  Picking up the scatter rug, rolling it in a ball and throwing it at him, "Shut up!" walking away.  

    Hmm....I wonder.  That is what I do in my own head.  Maybe I should really "act out" rather than stuff my emotions and feel like I have been bullied.  This response so far feels like a better way to respond than just walking away feeling confused and sniped at.  Because I have to respond differently than I have been.

    Or

    Me:  "I like to stand on this rug."

    H:  You can't stand on that rug. It isn't your rug."

    Me: "Hmmmmm?" Slowing looking at him.  Watching him.  What is his face saying to me?  Wait for more words to follow.

    H:  (I will have to guess from previous similar occasions) Not looking at me. Walking out of the room with a gait of "Heh. Got her!"

    Me:  following him.  "Yikes! Don't sit on that chair. It's not your chair!"

    This would either start another fight or laughter depending on the mood HE is in.  My joining in on his "verbal darts" game does not guarantee a playful game.

    Here is the conclusion for me.  We are not comfortably, emotionally intimate so it is not safe for either of us to speak with vulnerability.  He has constantly bullied me (always with a ha ha at the end).  All I can do is IN MY OWN HEAD accept that this is the way he is.  My come back is to walk away and say to MYSELF, "We are two cranky people here. Acceptance.  But I don't have to be cranky anymore.  I am going to take myself and the dog to Starbucks and see some friendly people's faces."

    Anybody have some thoughts on "how to respond differently"?  How to adjust our own emotions and perspectives so that we can have these little conversations without disgust or self pity?  I am trying to change my responses.  Until I feel trust with someone who I can be interdependent with, I must respond as an independent.  

  • Testimonial by a 35 years old, who discovers she has ADHD. by: c ur self 6 years 1 month ago

    https://www.additudemag.com/adult-adhd-late-diagnosis-women-emotions/

    This article is the best (most honest and real) one I have read, by someone who has adhd, among other things....If you have adhd, or, if you live with some one who does, this article will be very familiar to you....Certain things jumped out at me...One, the shock and fear she experience's upon considering at age 35, she might have adhd....Also her fear of dying young and being found out by her husband, when he uncovers stuff she has hoarded up (like he's not aware of it already lol....And sadly the shame she feels, and the desire to hide it....You will laugh at her, and you may have other emotions also...But, if it doesn't do anything else for you...It should, like it did me, reinforce the day to day struggles, and the reality of the effects of add/adhd on a person....

    Blessings 

    C

  • Interruptions, lack of respect by: bowlofpetunias 6 years 1 month ago

    On Friday, I told my wife that I had to work on an important volunteer project at some point during the weekend.  We both knew that we had plans for Sunday.  My wife knows that this is LITERALLY a life or death project.  Lawyers have sent me notes thanking me for helping to save their clients lives when I have done similar projects. My wife has herself acknowledge that this work saves people's lives.

    On Saturday, I accomplished all of the following tasks before working on this project:  1) Picked up our son from a sleepover 2) Went to Home Depot 3) Installed the new hose reels 4) mowed the lawn and pulled out a lot of weeds and  5) Worked on the dishes.

    Finally, I sat down at the computer and began collecting my notes.  This involves reading newspaper articles and reports in a foreign language.  My son and daughter were yelling.  OK, they are 9 and 15, so I expect this from them.  But then my wife starts watching videos with my daughter right next to where I am working.  I remind her of what I am doing and that I need to concentrate several times before she finally stops watching the videos.  Then she argues with our daughter about a chore--she promised 2 cents for each nut she picked up and our daughter wanted her to count them--gallons and gallons worth.  Then my wife leaves for the store while our daughter attempts to count them.  Our daughter gives up, comes in, and starts watching videos with earphones.  But she stops to have me log her back in to my wife's computer several times.  And she has developed a new tick--motions and sounds like she is going to vomit.  Despite all of the distractions, I keep working on the project.  My wife came home and started asking me about when I am going to grill dinner.  I was very frustrated at this point and said that I would be able to do so sooner if I was allowed to concentrate so I could finish the project.

    I finished the project and grilled dinner.  When I came back in, our son was already eating and there were two plates in the kitchen.  One had meat, the other did not.  Our daughter does NOT eat any meat.  Trying to be considerate, I asked my wife if the plate with meat was for me.  In other words, I did not want to take my wife's plate.  She responded, "Well it's not for [our daughter]!"  Already on edge because of all the stress (and lack of respect) while trying to work, I took this as a "duh' remark.  Yes, I knew it was not for our daughter, but it could have been for my wife.  She then got upset and said that I should not have been angry because she was just joking. 

    Last night, our couples therapist said that I should say what I want more clearly and with more confidence.  First of all, I had been very clear that I needed to concentrate and I had told her that I was working on something she herself acknowledged was very important.  But how I am supposed to be more "confident" when neither my wife nor our kids show respect and listen to what I say?

    In the past, we have had arguments where I was very confident because the LAWS OF MATH were on my side--it does not make sense to "save" and earn 3 percent (or less!) interest on $100 instead of paying down $100 worth of debt on a credit card with double digit interest.  Yet she still argued and argued and argued.  How am I supposed to be confident when I am dismissed even when I have math to prove my side of the argument?  It's like an argument I once had with a 3-year-old when I was about 10.  He insisted that he was older than me.  I tired logic. "I was born in (current year-10).  When were you born?"  His answer was "Styrofoam."  Yet I was still frustrated and determined to argue with him because I was clearly right.  But evidence is irrelevant when arguing with someone who does not accept basic logic.  He wanted to be older, so "Styrofoam" proved that he was older.  Sometimes arguing with my wife is like arguing with that 3 year old.  I ask myself why does it even matter to me.  I should not be hurt because her disagreement with me does not reflect oon whether I am right or wrong--it reflects on her stubborn refusal to listen to reason.  Yet it does bother me.

  • Sleep Apnea is an insult? by: bowlofpetunias 6 years 1 month ago

    Last night in couples therapy, the therapist pointed out that my wife has fallen asleep several times during the sessions and expressed concern 1) that she was not getting enough sleep and 2) that she could not stay present.

    Trying to be supportive and helpful, I reminded my wife that her mother has sleep apnea.  Real, diagnosed sleep apnea.  She uses a breathing machine to sleep.  I also pointed out that she snores loudly, a symptom that could be related to sleep apnea. 

    My wife became angry and acted in the same manner she does when she rejects the idea that she has ADHD.  Now I wanted her to see a doctor about something else??  How dare I!  Oh, and I snore too, and she does not complain about that!  I was honestly trying to help.

    To top it all off, she also used the ADHD "get out of jail free" card to explain why she had exploded at me for suggesting that she might have sleep apnea.  She also admitted that she has yet to contact the psychiatrist with ADHD experience that I found.  So she doesn't want to acknowledge ADHD EXCEPT when doing so gives her retroactive justification for abusive behavior.

    Disclosure--In the past, I have sometimes resisted seeing a doctor about problems.  I certainly learned my lesson, though, after putting up with excruciating pain for almost a year without realizing that it was a rotator cuff problem.  When the second arm started giving me problems, I went straight to the orthopedist.  Also, a neurologist suggested our daughter might be on the autistic spectrum.  In the past, people have suggested to me that I might have what was then called Asperger's Syndrome.  I acknowledge taht some of the symptoms fit--like having no clue about relationships when I was in high school and college and hating small talk, for example.  One of the first things I did upon hearing that she might be on the spectrum was to try to investigate my own past.  I remember having speech correction and motor skills therapy when I was young--maybe first grade?  I wrote to the school to try to find out more about what I was treated for and why, but they said the records were destroyed.  I can't ask my parents becuase 1) they are both dead and 2) they were extremely resistant to discussing such things.  The only time I remember my parents bringing it up was in relation to video games when I was a teenager--he commented on how the therapists at the school would never have believed I would have such good hand-eye coordination as I demonstrated by playing the games.

  • codependence, inter-dependence, independence by: jennalemone 6 years 1 month ago

    I Googled codependent and Independent today because it occurs to me that H has lived his life like an independent person.  His top priority seems to be to NOT be responsible or relied upon by anyone and by calling his own shots. His bravado comes from a sense of his being his own man.  No burdens. Not accountable to anyone. I have been  one to always put the marriage and family first and now I am resentful.  The following article talks about how resentment grows in a codependent relationship but that there is no relationship if one of the people are independent. I need to stop being codependent, expecting Mr Independent to communicate intimately with me.  He is not going to.  For me, it is all about acceptance of this loss in my expectations of happy marriage.  Here is the article from the proactivechange.com site:

    Co-dependence vs Inter-dependence 

    In codependent relationships, the partners have difficulty being themselves while being in the relationship. Often, codependent people feel that they "should" be independent. This leads to black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking: either you or totally independent, to the point of being unrelated, or you are codependent!In fact, you cannot be both in a relationship and totally independent. The challenge is to be interdependent, recognizing that you need your partner and your partner needs you... but both of you also need to be individuals. 


    Being part of the couple vs being a separate person

    In any relationship, people are mutually dependent (that's the very definition of a relationship). Therefore, people in a relationship will inevitably experience tension between the pull to see yourself as part of the couple, and the pull to see yourself as a separate person. Think of it as a slider on an electronic appliance: 
    - One end of the slider corresponds to the position where the only thing that counts is the couple; 
    - The other end of the slider corresponds to the position where the only thing that counts is being a separate person. Neither of these extreme positions is workable: 
    - If the only thing that counts is being a couple, you are stifled as a person. 
    - If the only thing that counts is being separate, then there is not much common ground for being a couple. So, obviously, the slider is going to have to be some place in between, and this place is going to vary moment by moment, situation by situation. 

    This is what codependent people have trouble with: They have difficulty with the flexibility of moment-by-moment adjustment. They are more likely to be in an all-or-nothing mode - - all accommodating to the other, or seeing any demands of their partner's as pure selfishness.


    Conflicts (or lack thereof)

    The point I am repeatedly making in this article is that there is an inherent conflict to being in a relationship. The art of relationships is to manage conflicts, not avoid them as if they were a shameful "proof" that you are a dysfunctional couple. In fact, what is dysfunctional in a couple is to avoid conflicts. Growth lies in learning how to effectively manage conflicts.In a healthy relationship, this can be dealt with openly; as a result, both partners can progressively feel more secure in the relationship, more intimate at the same time as they grow as individuals.With codependency, these issues are more difficult to deal with. Often, they are simply swept under the rug. Or they're dealt with in an atmosphere poisoned by accusations of selfishness. Or one partner finds a way to intimidate the other… As a result, there is a growing backlog of resentment between the spouses. A symptom of codependency is the extent to which desires and demands are not fully expressed, mostly hinted at. This is usually because there is a fear of conflict: If you ask for what you want, you fear that your partner will be hurt or angry, and it's going to be an unpleasant moment... on the other hand, you can't bear to stay silent, you say something, but in such a covert way that your partner won't get it... which is a perfect recipe for feeling unheard, frustrated and resentful.All too often, what happens is that each partner feels they have an implicit agreement with the other -- but the other is not aware of this implicit agreement at all. Hence the sense, on both parts, that there is something fishy going on, that the other is in bad faith. The antidote to this is to build a safe environment. This means that there is room in the relationship for each partner to fully express their needs and wants. 

    Related to this is the sense of "you owe me". You do something for your partner that you don't really want to do, you convince yourself to do it by telling yourself that, this way, your partner will owe you a favor. But you don't tell this to your partner at the moment you do what your partner wants. You only mention it much later, when you are trying to cash in the favor, and your partner acts surprised and angry, and then you feel betrayed!


    Feeling constrained 

    Another symptom of codependency is a sense of feeling "hemmed in", constrained in the relationship. This is in contrast to feeling spontaneous and free. It feels like you cannot do or say what you want because it's going to either hurt or anger your partner.Now, of course, expressing what you need and want does not at all mean that your partner is obligated to give that to you. In fact, part of what makes the relationship safe is that there is no sense of coercion: If your partner expresses what they want, this does not mean that you have to give it to them, walking all over your own needs to do this. Here again, we're talking about learning to negotiate, and to tolerate the inevitable frustrations that are part of the negotiating process.Until such a time as you are able to make room for these frustrations, what is going to happen is a sense of despair and anger every time there is a conflict. You will tend to see your partner as a source of frustration, as the source of your unhappiness. And vice versa. As a result, there will be a lot of blame and finger-pointing. This is very much a characteristic of codependency: "It's your fault!". This is not very different from what happens when kids bicker: "But, mom, he started it!". Bickering kids would very much like to have a grown-up validate their feelings by punishing the other kid. Ideally, grown-ups are able to go beyond these feelings in order to resolve their differences between themselves. Resorting to blame makes it harder to understand each other and find common ground. In fact, the blame game seems to turn into an ever escalating cycle, where it becomes harder and harder to stop and acknowledge each other.For codependency to heal, it is imperative that partners agree to create safety in the relationship by consciously avoiding blaming, shaming, dismissing each other, or stonewalling as a passive-aggressive response to real or perceived attacks.


    Lack of intimacy

    Yet another symptom of codependency is that, despite feeling so connected in terms of feeling the limitations that the relationship imposes on you, there is a very real difficulty with true intimacy. It is difficult for the two of you to drop your guard, to feel relaxed comfortable and vulnerable (in a good way) within the safety of the relationship. So you actually avoid intimacy. You or your partner have too much to do at work or with the kids, you were too tired to make time for special moments -- I am not just referring to physical intimacy, but also to emotional closeness as well.


    What next?

    Life would be easier if your partner would "see the light", and be willing to change. Unfortunately, this is something you have very little power over, if any at all. 

    A typical codependent reaction is to believe that nothing can be done unless both partners in the relationship work at it. Of course, it's much better if you both work at it. But, if your partner doesn't want to, you can still do something very productive, both for yourself, and for the relationship. The power you have is over what you can do, from your end, to deal with co-dependency.

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