My wife has previously accepted that Orlov's book described a lot of what is happening in our marriage and even told our kids that she, like them, has ADHD.

Then she went to a psychiatric nurse and "only answered the questions she asked" and was told she is depressed, not ADHD.

I kept imploring her to tell the nurse about all the symptoms I have noticed.  She started seeing a new nurse and kept forgetting to discuss the symptoms--just answering the questions she was asked. 

Finally, she said she discussed ONE of the symptoms--ignoring me when an interesting stranger appears to the extent that she does not recall I was there.  She reports that the nurse said that it was not ADHD because it only happens "some of the time."  It would happen "all of the time" if it were ADHD.

I asked my wife why she told the nurse it was "some of the time."  She denied that she said that--the nurse did.  Well, where did the nurse get that idea?  No response.

But there are many more symptoms, and they happen quite often.  We just finished a long trip that she has been pressing me to take for almost 10 years, despite our financial problems.  We were able to do so because her mother left her some money.  During the trip, she repeatedly interrupted me and then claimed that either 1) we both started talking at the same time or 2) she stopped as soon as she realized I was speaking.  Neither of these claims were true.  She also became hyperfocused on moving through the crowds at a theme park, and completely forgetting about me and our ADHD 9-year-old.  I could not keep up because I had to make sure our daughter did not get lost.  I kept yelling for her to wait, and she kept resuming the hyperfocus and speeding off ahead of us.  One time, she actually did lose our daughter while they were separate from me.  I had to find her.

Yet, still, she says it is not ADHD and wants to know why it is so important to me that she get an ADHD diagnosis. I finally told her that maybe I it is so important to me because I want to MAKE EXCUSES for her behavior.

All these years, I have stressed that I would hope that we could at least stop discussing trip planning during the big trip.  The big trip came, and she kept talking about planning for next time.  I reminded her that I wanted a break from this.  She kept up.  The fact is that there are no other inheritances coming our way.  I am feeling insecure at my job and I would like to find something more meaningful--but it would pay less and we need my current salary just to keep our heads above water, never mind spending thousands on another trip.  Yet she soothes herself by telling me we can work something out for me to be able to take a pay cut.  That just makes me feel invalidated.

God, I hate being the responsible one!

And after one month separated hes in the open relationship he asked for with someone else. We've been married for 14 years. Both of us had traumatic experiences in our early childhoods which were especially difficult due to family alcoholism. Being with him was like a breath of fresh air after home life. They say you should live independently before marrying and now I think they're right. 

We muddled on for the first decade though we both did things we weren't proud of. I committed to him though I got the sense he just didn't know what to do with himself. He wanted me and two kids and had kept full time jobs. Seemed to be a functional young adult. It did seem odd that there were things he completely avoided like porn but I thought it was sweet. Later I found he would lose the capability to distance himself from being compulsive with it and other ADHD associated activities. 

He got laid off from a long time job and started working in a bar. We both drank a fair amount until I was working and going to school several years ago. Then he started to drink heavily and I did at rare family functions. I get it now, the feeling of abandonment and jealousy that I knew what I wanted out of life and was getting it. Being privileged in neurotypical brain structures...having focus. And I took on the bills, shopping, all other paperwork. Wasn't worth a fight or it not getting done. 

We have our child and the kid is really hyperactive. It seems to be a real struggle for the husband, especially due to his sleep schedule, and he lashes out at me. I make do like I always have, asking for little, though I do snap back these days instead of retreating into myself and crying like I used to. Eventually his parenting gets better, the kid stops teething as bad, my only issues are the lack of income or scaling expenses down to match what we have, the drinking and the weird communication style. The intense and random interests I could deal with until they cost actual money or opportunity. It got to the point where I was literally calling him to the table every night for dinner while I minded our child.

I go to this training and it's like a bolt of lightning. Shoot, this is the thing in our relationship and now that I know his quirks aren't willful and I learned some techniques it's like a new lease on the marriage. ADHD, yeah he conveniently missed an appointment in high school where it was predicted to be diagnosed. When he got crushed under looking at the big picture and not getting the sort of structure from school and the family and was floundering. He calls it depression and he has been referring to feeling it again since last year. 

A week after the training he said something that sparked his introspection that I had mentioned made him want to come clean. He's had several girlfriends in this marriage unbeknownst to me. The spark is far past gone. And it is somewhat true and I was really working on my libido as self improvement. But we have an infant. And he hasn't exactly tried to romance me or help me find time for us. His time is devoted to finding a hit of dopamine without me. 90% of the time that includes booze and I've yet to find too many things that turn me off as fast.

He doesn't want counseling. He doesn't want monogamy. It's have his cake and eat it too or nothing. So naturally I tell him it's over. He could have spoken up about his discontent before making that decision and his heavy drinking hasn't helped with being a decent person. He's considering being polyamorous as his identity now. The truth is we were playing house and it was a house of cards that fell so fast once he got laid off. It's really a difficult purgatory we are in now where he's said some really nasty stuff to me in anger because I choose to leave but he's also appearing to be somewhat considerate given the circumstances. I need to use some of that innate focus I have and file for divorce. One thing I'm quite sure of is he won't beat me to the punch.

Dear young ones, I just heard a speaker say that the thing men find most attractive in a woman is that she keeps to her standards.  Here is a great lesson to all you younger wives.  I don't know it if goes both ways.  Standards was not one of the things on my list when I fell in love with my husband at a very young age.  I was naive.  I valued sense of humor, physique and words of affection.  Silly me. Standards!  I took so much for granted, like standards. I thought all people tried their hardest to make a marriage work and be a good spouse. I didn't know that it is important for a woman to keep her (and her husband's in some cases) standards for him in the family. I do recall that in my young days when I had higher standards, I felt more valued, more on track with myself, more self confident.  After I married, I thought I must be servile and cooperative and partnering and yes, I thought it was a GOOD thing to be enabling ...  propping up my husband's ego and HIS confidence so that he could go out in the world and earn a living for our family.  Now, I have learned that I should have locked H out of the house all those times he came home from work at 2am.  I should have walked out of the house with our son and stayed out for as long as it took for him to apologize for the thoughtless, derogative things he said to me.  If he didn't apologize, I should have gone home to my parents house or even more embarrassing to him....to our friends's houses along with the story of what he did to his wife and son.  I should have told friends and family about his abhorrent behavior when I was young so that I could have gotten their support.  As it was, I was embarrassed of him (and therefore also of me) and I kept it all to my self and cried privately because I thought that a spouse should not dishonor her husband and that I must sacrifice some of my self for the good of the marriage and family.  I should have left.  I should have left.  I should have left.....  and had him begging me, and promising change and I should have held out for respect or let ourselves be split up at the time.  I cannot financially get out now, but I can find my own self respect.  I can't change him, but I can be separate from him.  Now at this age, it must appear to family and friends (and H) like I am an uncooperative old spouse because i have changed and I no longer "give in, give to, give away" as I used to do. Istayed with H so long, accepting him as he is and he is jovial, expecting entitlement of an honorable man...but he was not honorable! But family and friends don't know that.  I even kept that from the children. H had been a traveling salesman for years, then was gone most of every day with a small business he started - it was never a success. They don't know how often he stayed out late or that Dad did not work full time or work to pay bills for years.   It is hard to change the dynamic after so many years.  I don't want to be intimate with him. I don't want to kiss him.  I don't even want to look at him.  I don't like myself when I look back at how I lived MY life.  I had been living OUR life and not getting cooperation from HIM.  For a partnership to work, you have to be able to trust each other and depend on each other.  You have to also be true to YOUR SELF and your standards.  I thought that was being selfish and snobbish - to assume MY higher standards.  I didn't realize that being sacrificial in a relationship was making me weak and lacking integrity.  Every time H crossed the line, I should have left.  I used to tell him to GET OUT! but he never did.  He just ignored those words.  I should have left. I should have left. I should have left.

My face is still wet from the epic breakdown I just experienced. I was talking to my husband after dinner - telling him about my dad (in his 70s) and his many health problems, the most significant of which is undertreated depression. I typically hold things in and communicate very little that is important/meaningful with my husband because I know his limitations. My dad has gone through a lot over the past year my husband knows little about. However, I shared a few of his health struggles for the first time tonight along with my feelings of helplessness and sadness about it.

He said he was sorry and surprised to hear about my dad, etc. A minute later though, he was puttering around the kitchen saying he would "have to get out of the house tonight or else he would turn into someone's dad - ba dum bump." (like the drum beat at the end of a stand up joke) That's verbatim - referring to my dad's depression. I know he wasn't speaking with his thinking brain. He does this all the time about meaningless things. But tonight, this "thoughtless out loud talk" was about an issue so near and dear to me that I broke down crying and just couldn't stop. I expressed to him through tears that I shared something I'd been holding in for months... something that has been hard on me... and the fact that he made light of it hurt me deeply. He apologized profusely. I know he means it. He can't even remember what he said. He loves my dad. What he doesn't realize is that my tears right then were not about my dad... they were more about the painful confirmation that no... I can't share anything serious with him and expect a meaningful, supportive response. I truly have no partner to talk to when I need one.

And even though I've known that for years, it just really hurt tonight. I shouldn't have opened up like I did. I don't even know why I did because I know he doesn't have the capacity to truly hear me or support me.

I am not even mad at him. I am just incredibly sad for myself. Though a (very) few people in my life know he has ADHD, absolutely no one understands what that means for me in terms of the relationship. There is no one for me to talk to... except you lovely people in this forum. Typing this message out even as haphazardly as I have has made me feel better because I know that most of you will get it. And there is comfort in that until I can make a change for myself.