It's amazing how difficult it is to accept the choices made by our spouses, that we don't like...I've known what to do (or, not do) to help myself, and her, and the marriage for quiet some time....But, knowing doesn't translate into the power to do, much of the time....When we determine by observation and experience (being subjected to it) that our spouses choices in life is detrimental to us, and the relationship, we (I at least) can't help but confront them and point it out....

I've come to realize a few things about this "pointing it out" behavior....First and foremost she has human rights, just like I do, (like we all do) to choose her path in life....It doesn't matter what her choices does to me, there hers to make...Many of us can and do complain about things that effect us....Real things! many that or abusive, thoughtless, hurtful, and destroys any ability to have a healthy attachment...One where we choose to love and honor each other...One where we choose to put each other, (our vows) ahead of all else that is earthly....(Do the work of the marriage)

It's very difficult to not point it out...But take a moment to ask yourself this question....Is my marriage (our connections, our intimacy, our ability to communicate, our emotional health) better off for pointing out my spouse's choices?? And what is my common state of emotion, (calm and loving, loud and demanding, threatening, stressed and anxious) when I point their unacceptable behaviors out?? And, what has been the results of your efforts?? How often do you repeat yourself?? How many years, have you been pointing out this non-changing behavior??

See I didn't like my answers to these questions...Because the truth is, my behaviors for most of  our 10 plus years of marriage, has been intrusive to my wife...Because my expectations were overriding my respect for her choices in life...I have no right to do that to her....

God gives me my rights as his Son, and as my wife's husband....But, no where in scripture am I called to go past sharing anything w/her but, truth in love....And if I am doing this verbally, only then when it is sought and heard...(Loving conversation form)...My wife isn't dumb, she knows the call on her life, just like I do...When she makes choices that she knows are independent and selfish in nature, she is well aware of them...So am I....Pointing it out just created stress. justification attempts, and hinders unity and intimacy....We know...

Anybody, that had rather stay in a relationship, where one of the partners choices are so selfish, so intrusive and/or abusive, that it's impossible to have a healthy attachment. Then we should ask ourselves some hard questions, like, what that says about us?? Not them! They love their life...It's us that don't like ours! Food for thought....Who in this scenario is afraid to make a choice?? Hint, it's not my wife:)....

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Both my wife and I have adhd and have been struggling in our marriage with the difficulties that we each create for years. These problems keep escalating each time we have had a new child, especially when she got post partum depression with our last one. We have been going to counseling but we won't be able to go back for 3 weeks due to scheduling conflicts. Found the book that lead me to this forum a few days ago and figured I would seek some help here too.

For the past 2 to 3 weeks I have been finding it harder and harder to talk to my wife about the things that really matter. Like the type of things that really open myself up and are important to me. I have tried to pull apart the emotions on my side and there is a weird new fear and anxiety that stops me from opening up emotionally. I can't locate an event that caused it in my recent memory. But I also don't seem to be able to force out the words to start conversations I want to have.

Has anyone else encountered anything like this? If so what did you do? 

Does anyone else recognise these conversations? (or similar)

HUBBY:- Lets take the grandkids out tomorrow for the day, To my favourite seaside beach,

ME: But its a 3 hours drive. Oldest Grandchild is 10 and recently diagnosed with type 1 diabetes so needs to have lots of his stuff wiith him at all times.I think his Mum would worry because its so soon since he was diagnosed. Youngest one gets very tired...she's used to going to bed really early and we would be back really late. Middle one has autism. Does not like change very much, dosn't like crowds. gets impatient and dosn't sleep in the car .They ALL get car sick.

HUBBY: Nonsense, ALL kids sleep in the car, you just put them in and they sleep.

ME: I just know what their Mum has told me.

HUBBY: Oh well, if you are looking for excuses you have them all right there. No-one ever wants to go where I want to go,

Or how about?..

ME: (feeling groggy after just waking from nap on the sofa) Oh.....how long have I been asleep? Its getting late

HUBBY:( angrily pulling on his coat) Yes it IS late I told you I was hungry over an hour ago. I'm going to get a take away,

ME: But all you had to do was start cooking supper and then wake me

HUBBY:Well I don't do that, I'm off to buy some food,

He stomps off as if I have committed a crime.

Just one more

ME: So have you been ok while I was at the hen party weekend?

HUBBY: Alright I suppose

ME: I see that he rubbish I sorted into black bags to take to the rubbish tip is still in the hall

HUBBY: Yes, well you know me, if I'm not interested in a thing, then I won't do it. I'll do it when I'm ready.

ME: We could go tomorrow

HUBBY: I don't work like that, planning what I do. I go when I am ready.

PLEASE tell me that I am not the only one who has conversation like these. If you do, how on earth do you cope? I sometimes want to tear my hair out by the roots.

So, I've already extracted myself from this and am starting to date someone else, but I'm pretty sure I was briefly involved with another ADHD man recently.     I am writing about the experience here not to complain or to do any harm but rather, just to share, in case anyone out there reading has just started dating someone new and things seem... interesting.  At one point he disclosed to me that other family members have been diagnosed with ADHD and when I asked if he had ever been diagnosed he said no.  In my opinion, he might want to reconsider that.  Heh.
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Right away he was very enthusiastic about me and how I am SO AMAZING.  SO ENGAGING.  SO GREAT TO TALK TO.  SO FUN.   Flattering, sure, but it was far too enthusiastic for someone you just met.  Gushing about how he hasn't met anyone SO INTERESTING in SO LONG and telling me how I should meet his entire family.  Texting the majority of the day and into the evening.  Every couple of hours.. even from work.  Oversharing personal details about himself and others.  Very quick to want to become sexually intimate.

I observed all this with cautious curiosity and then I gently expressed to him that I thought he was delightful as well but that I preferred to slow down and that it takes time to get to know someone.
He agreed, but the unbridled exuberance continued.

We went out to dinner twice and he was attentive and thoughtful.  Very much a gentleman.  Conversation was easy. 

Two more little things gave me pause though.  He told me that he turned his phone upside down on purpose and that he chose a table in a part of the bar/restaurant without a television so he wouldn't be tempted to look at what was going on.  Not that big of a deal on it's own, I turn my phone upside down too when I am out with friends... but if you add it to the growing list it becomes a cause for concern...  plus the fact that he felt compelled to tell me he was purposefully avoiding distraction was interesting to me.

He talked a lot about how we should DO ALL THE THINGS.  Hike, movies, bike rides, dancing, day trips, what have you.  Yet, most of the time he didn't plan anything and certainly not anything beyond "Hey why don't we have dinner?"  The handful of times that there *was* a plan, last minute postponements and cancelations would happen due to a variety of issues that suddenly came up.   Usually they were feasible... a last minute work problem, for example...  but toward the end there started to be other odd things.  "Oh I forgot I need to leave really early for my sisters birthday tomorrow morning, can we reschedule?"  "Oh it turns out I'm not actually free this weekend like I told you I was, because I just remembered that I agreed to go to this other thing."    Things like that.   He was always apologetic and he did this to other people as well, not just me.    On more than one occasion he would text me to see what I was doing and I would ask him "Weren't you supposed to go do XYZ with so and so today?" and he would say "oh yea.. but...".... and then have some reason why it didn't happen. 

He forgot to bring a jacket and his regular prescription glasses (he only had his prescription sunglasses) to an afternoon event that would probably go into the evening... so when evening rolled around he was cold and he couldn't see. 

Then he forgot to bring his regular glasses to a similar event again a couple weeks later and ended up spraining his ankle quite badly because after it inevitably got dark he couldn't see where he was going and stepped off a curb wrong.

He would miss details in my text messages.  Like what the start time of an event was (that I had just texted him).   Or that I AM taking a walk.. not that I WAS taking a walk.   He would miss a question entirely or he would ask me the same question twice in a short period of time.  Even though I had answered already.

He told me the wrong day for an important appointment that he had, and when I later asked about how it went he was confused and told me no, it's tomorrow.

He would often call me and then interrupt me in order to "call me right back".  Sometimes he called back, sometimes he didn't and I would just get a random text an hour or two later.  If I needed to finish what I was saying I would have to remind him where I had left off and start again.

He would interrupt me in order to kiss me... which... while it's great that you think I'm irresistible could I please finish what I was saying?

He would kind of abruptly leave at the end of an evening.  This is a little difficult to explain.  I think most people would agree that there's usually some kind of a wrap-up conversation when you're ending a date or an evening with friends.  You might mention the next time you can get together or how you can't wait to hear about their job interview/upcoming vacation or otherwise linger a bit before heading out.   Then it's hugs and handshakes all around and then you leave.    Not in his case, however.   He would just abruptly go "Ok, that was fun!  Thanks, bye!" and turn around and walk away before anyone answered back.   Even if was just a date with me alone.   He didn't seem to realize that the polite/socially acceptable thing to do would be to wait for me to safely get in an Uber (or my own vehicle) before leaving to head home himself.  There was no malice in these things at all.  He was always all smiles, and often texted later to say thanks again and what a great time he had.  Looking back it's almost comical... but at the time it came off as very jarring and even rude to just turn and leave.

Toward the end came the behaviors that went past the point of odd or situational and well into unacceptable  - like all communication dropping off suddenly and for days, due to a problem he was overwhelmed by ....  starting up again like nothing happened... apologizing and agreeing to communicate better in the future if a problem arose...   and then dropping again.      Taking things personally, blaming others, over drinking and other things....  All indications of larger problems under the surface.  

Once those showed up I quickly exited... stage left.

Anyway...  we only went out for a couple months so not major.   But maybe this is helpful to others who might be wondering what is going on with their new friend or romantic interest.   Some of it is quite subtle, or easily mistaken for other things.  If I did not already have previous experience with ADHD I may not have otherwise seen it.