Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • What does it mean to “treat” my ADHD symptoms? by: Taterhostage 6 years 1 week ago

    I was diagnosed with ADHD in my late 30’s, I’m now 44. My wife does not have ADHD and tells me I’m not treating my symptoms and until I do, she’s not willing to begin counseling with me. 

    I take my Adderall everyday and try to take it late enough in the day to last into the evening but not interfere with sleep. Sleep has always been an issue regardless and that’s a separate issue. 

    I also see a therapist every week, I try and be mindful of my feelings (another very difficult issue for me, I have a hard time identifying how I am feeling and why I’m feeling one way or another). I have read the following books within the last 12 months:

    The ADHD Affect on Marriage (twice) - Melissa Orlov 

    Driven to Distraction - Dr. Edward Hallowell &Sue Hallowell 

    Is it You, Me, or ADHD? (Twice) - Gina Pera

    Married to Distraction - Dr. Edward Hallowell & Dr. John Ratey

    The Disorganized Mind - Nancy Ratey

    All About ADHD - Dr. Thomas Phelan

    The Effect ADHD has on Marriage - Terrence Williams 

    Games People Play - Dr. Eric Berne

    Taking Charge of ADHD - Dr. Russell Barkley 

    Taking Charge of Adult ADHD - Dr. Russell Barkley 

    I have read tons of articles and blogs, watch countless videos, I have began attending my local CHADD meeting...

    I’m blessed with high intelligence and feel I’m well read and informed on ADHD. For the life of me, I do not know what else I can do to “treat” my symptoms. 

    So, long story even longer...  What is ADHD treatment, what does it look like when someone is treating it? Do they still show symptoms?  What am I doing wrong?  

    My entire life I’ve always been told the typical garbage anyone with debilitating ADHD has heard; I’m lazy, I don’t care, I’m selfish, I’m not reliable, I’m irresponsible, etc.  My mind tells me I’m doing everything I can to minimize my symptoms but my wife thinks I don’t try and I don’t care. She’s even gone so far as to say I’m playing a game to see how far I can push her and how much I can get away with before she either commits suicide, is committed to a mental facility or divorces me (“because I’m not man enough to do the right thing“). 

    The only thing I can think of to do is take more medication so it will last well into the night (she likes to have our “talks” after the kids go to bed and we’re about to go to bed as well. I’ve explained to her how my medication has worn off, it’s late, we’re both tired; it’s usually after midnight and she gets up at 5:30am and I at 6:30 to go to work, you can see how it’s not a conducive plan to discuss highly emotional topics even without ADHD. 

    I think my wife is asking me to be cured or to not have any symptoms and that will show I’m working on my ADHD.

     

    Please explain to my imbecilic what treatment is and what it will look like when I’m doing it so I can get started and have a relationship with my wife. 

     

    Thank you you so much for any help!!

    Tater

  • Needs versus desires; can't versus won't by: PoisonIvy 6 years 2 weeks ago

    I think it's important to keep in mind that most "needs" are actually desires; and most things that we say we or our partners "can't" do are actually things that we or our partners won't do.  Despite biology, including the wiring of brains of people with ADHD and the brains of people without ADHD, nearly everything is a choice, not an immutable process.  So, if you're married and you don't like what your partner does or doesn't do, accept that it's your choice to stay married or to split. Whichever you do, own the decision. If you have ADHD, acknowledge the challenges and then do something about them.  If you don't want to, own that decision, too.

    I express these views based on my experience of choosing to marry someone whose values and behaviors that bothered me were apparent early on.  And I chose to stay married despite the problems not going away.  Right or wrong, I chose to stay married and then I chose to get a divorce. Accepting my role actually helps me adjust to my circumstances.    

  • Physical needs by: Libby 6 years 2 weeks ago

    The thread on demanding sex got me thinking. My DH is very demanding with sex but he is also very focused on his other physical needs(wants). He has a huge appetite can eat anytime anywhere. Literally eats us out of house and home. Also demanding and thoughtless about what he wants in that area. 

    He seems to require little sleep at night but can fall asleep anytime anywhere. 

    Too much info but he is obsessed with his bowel movements. Has a total freak out if he is constipated. Blames me for it if you can believe it. What is with this?!?

    His physical comfort is his top priority. He must be very sensitive to how he is feeling physically.

    I wish I could be as self focused as he is.....

  • . by: Anonymous (not verified) 6 years 2 weeks ago

     

     

  • Cutesy behaviour by: Libby 6 years 3 weeks ago

    Not sure what to title this. Maybe I am nitpicking but my 57 year old DH dots the i in his name with a happy face. I do not say anything to him about it but find it weird and childish. It is even more disturbing when it is on our business forms and papers such as contracts. Is this an ADD trait?

  • NO ability to communicate.... by: c ur self 6 years 3 weeks ago

    I've read numerous old post this morning, while having my coffee....(It's something that is good for me, it helps me stay centered and living in a mind of acceptance, by reaffirming the reality of living with a partner who is incapable of seeing themselves)...When you go back and read these posts, there is one very common theme....We don't understand their thinking (or lack of it)...And no matter what problem's we are enduring (no help in the house, financial, withholding their bodies, angry outburst, sexual immorality, can't hold a job, or want work) the outcome of trying to get them to discuss their actions, NEVER ends well....

    So, what happens to us when we want accept they are incapable of change? And incapable of communicating their reality? (they just don't see it, and if they do, they want allow themselves to consider the effects on their spouses)....We suffer emotionally...We vent....We get angry and bitter...Our nervous systems break down... Would you like to stop this dynamic? I would.....Some of you have....I applaud you....

    I've tried acceptance for a couple of years now....But, I backslide from time to time in a few area's that I feel trapped in....I've learned to do things alone, and I've learned to say No to being thoughtlessly used, I don't fall to manipulation attempts...I've slacked off on expectations for her to clean or cook or do anything differently...I've learned to listen better, no matter what she is saying....I don't have to respond to victim comments, but, she needs to know I care and feel empathy for her struggles...Even if they are mostly self inflicted due to selfishness and unwise decisions....I digress....I just wanted to point out the very common theme in this posts....

    Where there is no ability for a person to see themselves, no ownership, and no ability to communicate their reality, when do we stop trying to verbally engage them?? Most of us sadly want accept this truth being lived out before us daily, and we continue at confront them verbally at our own peril.....A poster whom I think very highly of, asked her spouse why he did something so hurtful and destructive to her.....His answer was I DON'T KNOW!....And he didn't, was his is truth.....Heart and mind blindness is real....Fear and shame or real...I pray for all of us, who are stuck in this mind that want accept the reality of our spouses, and turn our attention onto a more peaceful lifestyle.....

    It's a very thin line between love and acceptance....And hate and indifference....I just don't want to spend the rest of my life standing on the bank of life's ditch, screaming for my wife to get out...When she is choosing to be there, or is incapable of getting out....

    Words can be powerful when heard...But or useless and hurtful when not....Are you being heard??

    c

  • my teen boys idolize their ADHD dad and it's bothering me by: dvance 6 years 3 weeks ago

    Okay, I may come across as the most petty person on the planet and if so, feel free to call me out on this but it has bothered me for a long long time.  If you have read any of my posts here you know I have been married for 23 years to an unmedicated ADHD man and we have a 19 year old son and a 17 year old son.  DH has been unemployed many times, in fact his last three jobs only lasted three years each.  He has a high school diploma only and went into the Air Force where he only made it to Staff Sergeant.  He is terrible with money, has no friends and no hobbies until literally this summer when he joined a softball team.  And yet...both boys think he hung the moon.  WHY??  I mean, I'm not stupid, he's the fun dad, the dad who never makes them do anything, the dad who literally stands there mute while they mouth off to me or back talk me or argue with me and I discipline them.  It's always been that way--he is useless at follow through.  For a while he was in charge of making sure the younger one got his homework done and I don't think he checked the school homework calendar one time.  I would get home at night and they are watching TV but no homework has been done and I have to say TURN THE TV OFF AND DO YOUR HOMEWORK and DH will say Mom wants you to do your homework.  So I am always the bad guy-ALWAYS.  When will they be old enough or mature enough to figure out how irresponsible and immature he really is?  Both of them have floated the idea of going into the military like he did and I LOSE my mind.  Both these boys have IQs that there is no name for, they are that high and yes, I know that IQ is not the be all and end all of what a person is capable of.  What I am saying is they have options-he went in because his family was dirt poor and he had no other options.  And the military also screwed him up good--came home from combat with a healthy dose of PTSD and a very skewed view of himself.  He has not been the same since he got back from this war.  I will not sacrifice another family member to the service, especially since neither of them say they feel called to serve their country or anything like that. But I digress.  I make all the appointments, manage the money, take care of paying for college, college applications, financial aid forms, signing for car loans, anything of substance--that's all me.  I also work full time as the Assistant Principal of a private school.  I serve on an interfaith council in our town.  I participate in a book club, I go to opera, I take cooking classes, I give workshops at other churches and the Cathedral in Chicago.  And when DH joined this softball team after literally doing nothing for years, the oldest child said to me, well-at least Dad is doing something-what do you do?  Um...WHAT?  How can they be so blind?  I should add that oldest child is an ADHD person and youngest child is very likely Asperger's, so that is probably my answer.

    I don't know what I expect anyone to say, it's just really hard to always be the bad guy and have them admire a loser.

  • Anger and no communication by: jennalemone 6 years 3 weeks ago

    So this just happened first thing in the morning.  I am 2 rooms away and I hear H say angrily, disgustedly, "My God."  I walked in the kitchen and asked what was the "My God" about?  He said, disgustedly, "WE HAVE 2 BREADS."  I had bought a loaf of bread and he had bought a loaf of bread.  Then he took the empty egg carton he had in his hand and threw it on the floor and angrily stomped on it to flatten it loudly and pointedly.

    I don't know what else is going on in his mind because he doesn't talk with me about anything sincerely or intimately - certainly not about feelings.  I am realizing that for all our life he has used his anger and his bigger-ness to intimidate me when he is .....overwhelmed?, hating me?, just perturbed and will be over it in a minute? planning my murder?   Could this really just be about the bread?

    For years I had been soothing the beast within him with my compromising, trying to understand and connect and share our lives. Now I don't do that anymore and I let his anger play out and just watch without getting emotionally involved with it.  This makes home an uncomfortable place to be. A spouse cannot totally shake free of being the target of an angry outburst. Heck of a way to be married.

  • Why is it bad if I leave the marriage? by: Konagirl 6 years 3 weeks ago

    My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago. We have been married for 21 years and have a 17 yr old and a 5 yr old.  We have been in couples therapy for 3 years going in circles until finally figuring out he has ADHD. I think my therapist new all along but knew that if my husband didn’t come up with it on his own he would never have believed her and wud have ended our couples therapy immediately.  Only because all these years of struggle have been due to the fact that I am crazy, emotional, depressed, and unable to handle life. According to my ADHD husband of course. and after reading all these other blogs I am not alone. He is on Aderol now tryin to get the dose right and wants a new start to our marriage. But I am tired, emotionally and physically. The day he was diagnosed was the day I had mustered up the strength to end the marriage. But now I’m supposed to try to make it work. Why? 

  • Is this also part of ADHD? ... by: pinkiemartini 6 years 1 month ago

    hi ... I have a situation a home right now that I have no idea if it is ADHD or just some paranoid situation ...

    My partner was not diagnosed as a child and by the age of 18 he was diagnosed as schizophrenic ... now it is a mix of schizophrenia with ADHD ... since I am here I notice that sometimes he gets super stress if he misplace some items like his mobile or his wallet ... I try to keep an eye on where he left his stuff and when comes and ask where they are, I let him know .. of course it works when I see it ... but not when I don't see where he place them. 

    Like one month ago he brought a tablet from his brother ... he couldn't use it and put it in a bag ... in the meantime, i forgot to close the window and he forgot to close the balcony (we live in a first floor apartment) ... long story short: he can't find his keys now, he can't find his tablet now .. and now has the idea that someone enter the apartment and steal those specific items despite I have my laptop almost in the same place where he "left" the tablet and also there is the TC screen ... he gets angry if I don't agree with him that someone enter the apartment and he says that he already searched in his whole room (he previously said that and later find things) ... after 9 months of the same .. I just let him be .. he complains and screams and get frustrated and when i try to say something and is not what he expects ... I am the wrong one and the no supportive one .. 

    What is this situation about? I am aware he misplaces his items but now saying that someone enters the apartment and steal specific items that he can't find and then accuse me of ignoring him, that it doesnt matter to me or not being supportive is part of the ADHD or is just paranoia? 

     

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