Hello everyone!  I recently started to research ADHD as my husband was diagnosed a couple of years ago and I feel that he is under treated.  Our eight year marriage had been on a steady decline and I realize we are both contributing to this, however, I had no idea the impact ADHD was having on us until doing tons of research recently.  I feel like I could have written, myself, so many books, & comments I've read from ADHD spouses.  To be honest, prior to reading all of this information, I was wondering if I was completely losing my mind and I have been dealing with overwhelming amounts of stress and anxiety.

A little back story - My husband and I have been married for eight years, together for eleven.  We have a wonderful five year old daughter.  I wouldn't trade her for anything, no matter what, but the decline in our marriage happened immediately after having her.  Currently, I am a full time business owner, wife & mother.  After having our daughter, he expected me to take our daughter to work with me, since I have some flexibility as a business, owner, and he did not want to contribute to pay for daycare.. it is expensive.  I did this for the first 5 years of her life, prior to school starting.  I managed, somehow to keep the business alive while watching a child at the same time.  I repeatedly tried to discuss daycare options telling him I was drowning.  He would completely ignore my request for conversation or completely lash out... going straight to "f you" "get the f out of here" and screaming in my face.  All "what I feel" should be normal discussions (bills, future plans, child care, even potential fun like vacations) are reacted to in this manner, so I am basically afraid to talk to him about anything and have definitely isolated myself from him out of fear.  Aside from child care & running a full time business, I do all cooking, must keep every detail of our lives in order or it just won't happen.  If I do ask him to contribute something, such as mowing the lawn, which I've even tried being extremely mindful of how I ask, I am normally, however not each time, met with complete defiance and a crazy, back and forth ensues.  I feel like these tasks are just things that need to get done and I don't understand the energy wasted on fighting over them.  I work a lot and a lot of weekends in my busy season.  I will be gone for 10 hours sometimes, on a Saturday, and I can come home to absolutely nothing I requested him to do being done.  He will often come up with unrealistic excuses as to why they weren't accomplished.  He will watch TV all day with our daughter, to add pain to nothing getting done, and it could be eighty degrees and sunny that day.

 I just feel so overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated and basically like I have to handle everything.  On top of this, a few years ago, he borrowed money from his retirement account, thinking I wouldn't find out, but I handle our taxes.  I had to pay the taxes on this money for him.  I'm always scared.  So frightened that I can't trust him, that our futures are not secure.  He always tells me he is going to accomplish things and to do things that he never does.  Then gets infuriated when I try to encourage him or even try to make plans for our future.  When we first met, we had a very fun relationship.  He told me all these dreams he had and I was starting a business at the time of my own, so the future seemed bright!  My business has grown, and he never did anything he said he was going to do and I guess I have a lot of resentment over broken promises, what I feel is so much resting on my shoulders.  To make it worse, he does not recognize what I'm experiencing at all...  What so ever.  He thinks I'm completely over - reacting.  This has been making me question my sanity.  He seems to think that doing all child care, while working full time and taking care of our house / cooking, should be completely manageable.  If anything he is scornful to me and calls me an "f'ing b*tch" when I bring up my unhappiness, etc.  

I was ready to leave, however, hesitant because of our daughter, but now I'm wondering if all of this is just really under treated ADHD??  He completely ignores me when I even try to bring up his ADHD.  When he was first diagnosed, a couple of years ago, he brought it up so quickly, kind of brushed it off, and to be honest, at the time, I didn't think too much of it!  Until I started to dig.  We have cyclical, repetitive issues that just never get resolution.  I had to take some action.

Thanks so much for listening.  I'm feeling very sad & alone and it's so helpful to read about people I can relate to.  Any advice is most welcome!

I am a professional, married man with 2 kids.  I love my family more than my own life itself.  They are everything that I ever imagined a family should be to me as I had no real image of family growing up.  My impulsivity and anger outbursts have caused me to have frequent problems.  In May, my ADHD finally became my resource for me to hit rock bottom. While at work, I was goofing around with a freeze spray that accidentally struck a co-worker in an unacceptable physical location.  I was NOT aware that this had happened until I was called to the carpet 4 days later.  The same day that this happened, a client presented to our work location 5 minutes before closing time with a big issue and I made my dissatisfaction known to my co-workers by saying, "WTF?!?" out loud.  Because of these infractions, I was forced to resign from my position immediately in lieu of termination.  My next week was full of sadness and deep depression.  I had let my wife and children down.  I jumped to the computer to find a new job, all while considering ending my own life in order to make theirs easier.  I don't feel suicidal and never had a real plan...it was a situational idea because of what was going on and how deep my depression was at this time.  My wife, 3 months later,still doesn't believe that I have told her the whole story because I haven't been completely forthcoming with things in the past (defense mechanism from my ADHD).  The thing is, I was completely honest with her this time. I am now saddened that my previous behaviors have caused this mistrust.  I love my wife so much!  She has urged me over the years to learn more about ADHD both for myself and our now 10 year old son who also has ADHD but, I have put it off and put it off.   Since all of this, she has withdrawn from me, barely speaks to me unless it has to do with our business venture or the scheduling with the kids. She "Phubs" me, spending hours on her phone checking Facebook and Pinterest. She "goes out with the girls" who have all suddenly created a Snapchat group, but lets me know about it a few hours prior.  I feel like this is another way for her to pull away.  She tells me that I need to do something because our marriage is hanging on by a thread. When I try to tell her about what I am learning, she gets angry with me and says "I have been doing this research for 13 years, where have you been?"  My wake up call has happened!!  I am trying desperately now, because I love her, because I love our 2 beautiful children!  I wish I had tried sooner, that I had listened to her.  I feel like it is too late, but I don't want it to be, and I think she doesn't either.  But she won't talk to me about it...Today, while at my new job that is 2.5 hours away from home, I was researching Melissa Orlov's seminar.  I sent my wife a message asking if she would do it with me.  Silence.  Please help!!! Anyone!!!

First of all this is going to be long and difficult. Kudos to any of you who are willing to read it and respond. I really NEED your responses and insights.

I am 38 and have been married for 15 years. We were young Christians, he was just coming out of a rehab program and we were both going to go into the "ministry". We only dated a very short time before getting engaged and then were only engaged for 6 months. We were literally stupid, inexperienced, idealistic (well I was), and knew nothing about ourselves (we did a little I suppose, we just didn't know how serious it was). Long story short, he cheated on my very soon! One night stands and casual sex encounters (NOT intimate relationships at all). He looked at porn occasionally, and he relapsed. This is all within the first 6 years of us being married. We went to marriage conferences. I screamed and cried. I bought workbooks. I prayed and begged. I tried to lose weight, go to counseling, have sex more, etc. etc. I also was diagnosed with 2 pretty serious autoimmune disorders shortly after all of this. We had a 3rd "accident" child. 

His parents told me he was diagnosed with ADHD and a learning disability during school years. They told me he was non-compliant on his medication. I didn't understand what that meant at 23 years old to 28 years old. 

Fast forward 10 years. He swears over and over he will be faithful to only me and he will not use drugs or alcohol. These are the absolute MINIMAL boundaries that I have. We have separated twice over these issues. He has been "mostly" good about them for about 2-3 years I would say. He says he loves me and wants to stay with me. He says he is committed to making changes.

Other MAJOR developments in the last 6 years. Our child was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (our first child diagnosed with ADHD and LD too). I now realize that I am a woman with high functioning autism! I have been operating out of this and dealing with his ADHD. I am SICK, as in physically sick, and very tired most of the time. I am serious, deeply thinking, literal, do things slowly, I have CNS and sensory issues that are very very very very strong. I am hyper-emotional, hyper-sensitive, and hyper-aware of details. I am seriously idealistic. But I am also a TERRIBLE spouse. I can barely keep things clean, laundered, organized, and keep everyone fed. I am often tired. Often want to check out and rest myself. Often on my iphone at night just trying to chill. 

He on the other hand is funny, goofy, immature, impatient, obsesses about buying things (I hate to shop), cannot have a conversation for very long, is not deep thinking per se (not academically so, he's just not interested). 

I am unmedicated, he is on 2 medications (neither of which help his adhd in my opinion). We do not share hobbies, interests, likes or dislikes. We do not even share the same religion anymore because he has become 100% uninterested in the Bible or Church at all (he says it is just one more thing for him to fail at).

So far these are all just "how I see it" kind of things. But since I have autism it is sort of black and white. As in, it would be very difficult for anyone else to convince me that these "facts" are not so. As a woman, I still have the same needs for romance, love, attention, respect, intimacy, and friendship that most other people do. I just need accommodations for dealing with life, stress, raising children. He needs accommodations too! I know that.

I am realizing there is about 15 more pages that I need to write, but I won't. He says he is "just the way he is" and he probably won't change. He wants someone to accept him. I say I do accept him but his adhd behaviors still make me feel unloved, un-paid-attention to, ignored, not romanced, disrespected, and made fun of. He works too much, does his hobbies too much, does technology and TV too much, and I'm literally last on his list.

I have come to a point where I am literally too miserable to ignore everything. I feel like I am a person who has been shot in the gut and is yelling desperately for someone to stop the bleeding (where our marriage relationship and family life together is concerned). Reading everyone's posts here has almost made me want to jump out a window, because I hear people putting up with this for 20, 30, 40 years and I'm at 15 and feel this way. (No offense to anyone!).

Is it actually too late, when you feel this desperate, to do anything about it? Have any of you even started unpacking your problems when you were at this point? I feel like RUSHING him to the nearest counseling office and forcing him to start changing just so I can get some relief. BUT I know this isn't the best option, considering he is a free human being and I can't force him to love me or fix this or change. I really seriously am thinking my only option is to leave. I'm autistic, sick, miserable, heart-broken, and tired. He's adhd, medicated (he's not changing his meds), happy to not change, very very busy, stressed with his business, looking forward to hunting season, and unavailable. 

Please HELP. I have to do something soon. I want to make the right decision. 

Corwin

Hello all,

I have been a member for 5 months now and this is my first post. I have found invaluable information on here, thank you for your thoughtful posts. I am having trouble finding a post about exactly what's going on in my marriage and looking for a bit of outside perspective here:

My husband and I have been together for 7 years. He was diagnosed with ADD in high school and has taken meds on and off ever since. He has never liked the way they made him feel and almost never takes the full dose for a day (for instance, he'll only take 1 in the morning and not the second pill). He has tried, it seems, all the medications in all the dosage amounts (concerta, ritalin, adderall, vyvanse, straterra, straterra and adderall together....I could go on).

One dilemma for us is that vyvanse worked wonders with no apparent side effects. It is so expensive and our insurance doesn't cover it. To be sure, if we could afford vyvanse, many of our issues would be solved. Looking into making this happen (switching plans/just buying it outright @$400/month) but not sure we'll be able to any time soon.

In the meantime, his main complaint with the other drugs is that he cannot sleep, on top of not feeling like himself. He has had trouble sleeping since he was a little boy and the stimulants just make it so much worse. So in his 20's he began a pattern of taking ADD meds during the day to get him through the work day, then drinking in the evenings to calm himself down and sleep. He has never abused alcohol nor has he ever abused the stimulants.

We have fought fairly explosively on and off throughout our entire relationship. Never anything physical, just very explosive, aggressive words and high voices and slamming doors over things that people should be able to have a rational conversation about. It always feels like we've gone 0-60 and I don't know how we got there. For the first 5 years we worked really hard on this pattern and on our interactions with one another, both agreeing this is not how we should be interacting. We both acknowledge we have equal parts to play in getting the fights to where they go, and that we both come from homes who dealt with conflict in deplorable manners. We both need to break from our patterns. We've been to communication retreats, marriage seminars, read books, and had much counseling. There is no lack of effort on either of our parts, and our communication HAS gotten a bit better. 

About 2 years ago one of my husband's counselors (not an ADD-specific counselor) was trying to help my husband out with his meds as H was describing his usual qualms and difficulties. He was trying Vyvanse for a while and everything seemed much better- fights were dealt with calmly/rationally. H could finally sleep. And his mind was clearer than ever. But H's healthcare changed at his employment and we couldn't afford Vyvanse anymore. H went back on Concerta-30mg and it felt like the air was sucked out of our home. I was living with a different person and we began fighting again. H's couselor kind of laid out a timeline for him and pointed out how his thinking changed/aggression changed/ our fighting began right after this drug switch, noting that he didn't think H should get off meds-just to be aware of that. After trying a lower dose of concerta for a while H and I both determined we didn't think this drug was working well for us and he switched back to adderall (30mg?). I like him better on adderall but we still felt like he was too aggressive so the past 6 months we decided he'd go down to 10mg adderall and work his way up to see which dosage worked best. The previous 5 months seemed great on the marriage front. But H was still dropping the ball at work and a little at home. Not worried about him dropping the ball at home-I can carry quite a heavy load. But the work life had us worried. So 1 month ago he went back up to 15mg adderall. We almost split up this month. We were brought to our lowest points ever in our marriage. This is not to say I didn't truly offend him at certain instances and that he didn't truly play a part in his own reaction. But it has me wondering- how much of our fighting is due the stimulant? Keeping in mind he was drinking every evening while on it- how much does that play a part in his reaction to my offenses? Offenses such as making an off-color joke at the wrong time or saying "you promised you would help me today, and you haven't been helping very much." These are truly offensive to him and things I feel bad for and have apologized for, but nothing that can't be solved with a rational conversation. 

I didn't know what to do and we couldn't seem to have a rational conversation to resolve the issues. So I gave him an ultimatum, which I now regret but I also truly don't know what else I would have done to calm him down-I had already apologized for everything I had done to hurt him. He had to stop drinking and go back down to 10mg adderrall or I was separating from him for 6 months. Also, to be clear, I had already made it known for quite a few years, but especially the past month, that I was uncomfortable with his drinking as I was beginning to see a pattern of fighting after he had drank, so I would like him to not anymore. He would say, "but I won't be able to sleep." And I understand that. 

After the ultimatum, he immediately agreed to stop drinking and it has been 3 days and we had an interesting conversation last night. I feel terrible about the ultimatum, and he feels terrible for not listening to my concerns for all these years and we have truly reconciled. But he he is so frustrated with this whole situation. He doesn't want to be on meds at all, but definitely not if he can't drink. But he also recognizes that destructive pattern he's in and how it's effecting our marriage. He doesn't want to pretend he is something that he is not and wants to be accepted in his place of work just as he is, not as they need him to be on drugs. He wants to be free of ADD obviously, but ultimately, excepted just as the imperfect, unique, intelligent, caring person he is. So he's off the meds and we will see what happens with his job. I should also mention, he's a very fit and healthy person (on the keto diet most days unless he's lifting heavy) so any recommendations about working out and eating to fuel your brain are already in place. He's just a true case of ADD and has a really hard time in this demanding work world without the meds. 

Are we missing something here? Any advice from your perspective? 

Thank you