Hi Everyone,

I'm back with a real issue that I just don'y know what to do about.  Even though I'm not in a relationship with anyone at the time nor am I looking for one...I still regard my family as a relationship and I've been carrying this around for too long now and need to let it go.

Recently....I was in a real jam and it was totally ADHF related. I take full responsibility for missing an automatic withdrawal in my bank account and found myself out of town with no money to get me home. I was really desperate and in a real situation so as my very last resort...I called my sister for help!!

Well...from memory...this is what she said.....

"(We) don't have that kind of relationship.....( you) are no different than you ever were. People don't change and you are like one of ( those ) poeple!!

I'm trying to be considerate but NO....I'm not going to help you."

Those poeple? Who are ( those ) poeple I wanted to ask?

This was the straw that broke the camels back and broke my heart for the very last time. My Nephew ( her son who I Live very much ) just got married but I called my brother in law and lied and made an excuse saying I was sick and didn't want anyone to catch my illness and ruin everyone' else's time.

The fact of the matter is....it didn't matter if I was there or not. I'm one of ( those poeple ) and I cannot get that out of my head.

That may have been the worst betrayal I have ever experienced in my life. It certainly told me what is most important.

I would have given the shirt off my back to a total stranger which as it turned out...the kindness of a stranger is what got me put of my jam.

It was the stark reality that I am truly all alone. No family, no relationship...I am completely and totally alone.

Except for GOD. In him...I am never truly alone.

Those poeple eh? I think my sister is a Narcissist too. Sad but true but conditional Love is the way my family works. As much as it breaks my heart to disengage...I feel I have to for my own well being.

Thanks for listening. I needed someone to tell this too and the poeple here have been so kind ...it was the first place I came.

FYI:  I'm off my meds, stopped smoking, and am working on celibacy as my way of moving forward. No interest in any female relationships...I will make it alone and am determined to grow and advance in every regard.

I'm in the process of selling my home and most every possession I have. Cold Turkey...I making myself a free man.

J

After two years of joblessness, my husband finally found something, so I quit one of my two jobs and had the opportunity to turn the other into my own business.  Then he lost his job again six months ago.  I've been hesitant to fully commit to the business because I kind of feel like I should quit and get a full-time job since I can't rely on my husband.

My old part-time job just asked for me to come back, which triggered our bi-weekly "come to Jesus" fight where I tell him he's not looking hard enough for a job, and he applies for some the next day, and then forgets again until the next fight.

He thinks I shouldn't take the old job because it is low-paying and makes me stressed out and miserable. And then, as usual, he responds to my concerns about how much money we have by asking about when more money will come in for my business. As usual, I explain that I'm just starting out and that it can't be relied on as our only source of income, and that he needs a job.

Well, he's picked up a few shifts at the bar down the street.  So sometimes he brings in $100 in a week.  Sometimes it's $500.  It's not enough.  We are honestly living on miracles right now - tax returns, random mortgage refunds. 

I'm struggling to work on this business.  In addition to my own self-doubt, I'm starting to crack under the pressure of it being our only source of income for a 4-person household.  I'm constantly beating myself up for not working hard enough and I'm freezing under the pressure.  I'm spending hours a day staring at my computer screen, while he putzes around the house, sometimes just hovering over my shoulder looking at his phone.  I've been trying not to blame him for my issues, but the fact is, I need a reliable source of income to feel secure.  I'm probably subconsciously screwing this opportunity up on purpose so that I can be forced to get a more secure full-time job that will make me miserable.

So in our fight today, I tell him that I need him to get a full-time job, so that I can feel more secure.  He says he's bringing in money and asks how much I'm going to bring in.  I say "The problem is, we can't count on this as income, I can't handle this as our only income right now. You need a job."  He sets his jaw and refuses to speak.  (He says he's "processing" and that he can't think of what to say right away when he does this.  But he never comes back to it and if I bring it up, he's annoyed that I haven't gotten over whatever it was yet.)

I go back to try to work.  He comes down and says "you haven't eaten today, have you?" and makes me a sandwich.  I get the idea he thinks that I am just angry because I'm hungry. I give him more time to process.

Later, I check in to see if I have gotten through to him.  I say I'm worried he thinks I'm just being crazy.  He says "I wouldn't say crazy," which, yadda, yadda, yadda, starts the fight up again.  I explain again that the job he has isn't steady enough and he needs a full-time job and that he's not looking hard enough.  He says "Other than getting a job, what else can I do to help you?"  I say "GET A JOB. THAT IS ALL I WANT FROM YOU."  More fighting.  We calm down and have to pick up the kids.  We agree not to fight.  I say "think of it this way, imagine if you are struggling to bring in the groceries and I'm sitting on the couch with my feet up.  How would you feel if you asked for help and I suggested you get one of those hooks that allow you to carry multiple bags?  I need you to get a job, I do not want advice on how to run my business."  He says "I get it," waits a beat, then says "You really need to get some business cards."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I light-heartedly say "I'm going to give you the chance right now to admit you are being a big old jerk and then we can laugh this off." 

He says "what?"

I say "This whole fight has been about how I need you to get a full-time job and stop relying on my business as our only source of income, and how when I say I'm stressed out over money, I need you to get a job and not give me advice.  Then you gave me advice."

He dug in!  He refused to agree with me on anything.  I am almost positive he thinks that he's counting on me to support the family with this business.  I've said from the beginning that It probably wouldn't even bring in $30,000 a year, IF I was successful. 

I have to tell them tomorrow if I will take job #2.  Now I'm hesitant to take it because it would mean working a few nights a week and I can't kick him out on that schedule.  We have two small kids, and my business would be on my schedule and perfect for that, if only he had another job.  My business is a weird niche field, my dream job, and this is my only opportunity to do it. 

I just don't know what to do.  The sensible thing would be for me to just get a full-time job.  I can't count on him.  It just sucks. 

As J.M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan, has said, "The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it."

This is on my mind today....or something like it.  I don't recognize the person I have become. I didn't see my life turning out this way. What could I have done differently 40 years ago, 30 years ago, 20 years ago, 10 years ago, yesterday that would have made my path different?  

It boils down to something inside of me. I don't have it figured out yet, but it has to do with my father, religion, my inability to stand up for myself, my learned behavior of obediences, my lack of permission to have my own voice.

I am trying to sort out why I continued to live my life for so long so subservient that I did not live my life. I permitted myself to be come a non-person in the name of "family love and sacrifice".  Not a great example for my children.  

Today I am taking total responsibility for my life.  This is, I am told, maturity.

I accept that I have not been a soldier, a leader or a hero....I have been a servant, a follower and a peon (pee-on).

Where to go from here?  I am getting old.  I just want to give a good look at what has happened to me and relate so others do not find themselves nearing 70 and realize that they have swallowed a bunch of rhetoric (ethics/beliefs/conventionalities/standards) that made them sad and regretful.

I write this for younger people on their life paths to be faithful to themselves and their future selves and their children's selves.

Be true to your self.  Find courage to speak from your heart even when the words are not popular.  

I feel like a hypocrite writing these "wisdoms" and not being able to act on them myself.  But that is my regret. That I did not give myself the permissions to live and speak my own truths.

My fears of the combined stress of my wife and kids spending more time with each other over summer break and a visit by my wife's biological mother leading to explosions proved correct.

I was very concerned that my wife was starting to rage at our teenage son while her mother was there--she has usually kept her anger in check in front of other people.  (She met her mother about 25 years ago and sees her only a couple of times a year.)  It was over our son sneaking electronics he was not supposed to use until he did some basic chores.  I had to repeated keep trying to talk her down while she expressed anger at me.  She kept complaining to me that she had a right to be angry and that I was telling her she did not.  I kept validating her emotions, but also explaining that she was responsible for how she acted upon that anger.  Other blow ups during the course of the visit included our kids not wanting to go places, my wife teasing our son about something while we were at a baseball game, lack of progress on chores, and some extreme issues with our daughter (9), including urinating and possibly defacating in improper places.  In the case of one fight the spilled over onto me, I was upset because my wife had suggested having sex that night, only to find one more youtube video after another.  When I finally got her to stop watching and start getting ready for bed, I expressed my doubts that we would actually have sex.  She assured me we would AFTER the kids got to bed.  Then she went downstairs and started a huge fight because she found our son drinking iced tea--he was supposed to have already brushed his teeth, food and drinks are part of his messy room, and she thought the sugar and caffeine would keep him up.  (He already has trouble falling asleep and getting out of bed the next morning.)  The spillover was the result of her anger that I was not "doing enough."  I eventually went downstairs and slept on the couch. 

Yesterday, we repeatedly called for our son to come downstairs and take out the trash and recycling.  He kept saying "I know, I am coming," but did not come.  Finally, I was trying to take a shower (around 10) and she yelled to me that he had "walked out the door."  It turns out that he finally came down and started doing the recycling, but she would not stop complaining while he was trying to do it.  (We used to get into huge fights over why I had not cleaned the bathroom while I begged her to stopped fighting and let me clean the bathroom, so this can be a real problem.)  She admits that she then stood in his way as he tried to reenter the house.  He walked away and said he needed to find a friend's house to stay at.  We received a text from his friend's mom and I picked him up.  From his perspective, his mother threw him out of the house.  I reminded her of how scared I have felt when she has done things like physically blocking the doorway of the bathroom when we were having a fight.

With regard to the sex, about a year ago she said that her sex drive was low and I suggested she seek medical help.  She agreed to see her midwife about it.  But she has not done so.  Why?  It wasn't time for her annual appointment yet!  I expressed how hurt I was by the fact that she did not think my needs and feelings were important enough to pick up the phone and schedule an appointment just to talk about the issue.  Oh, but we already have so many medical appointments!  (Yesterday, she said that she has finally made the appointment.)  Our marriage therapist said we should spend our session next week talking ONLY about the sexual problems.  Now my wife wants to also talk about what happened with our son last night.

A contractor is coming to redo the living room and dining room floors in about a week and a half, and both rooms are still full of clutter.  I have done my best to clean up and pack books, but I am working and she is off for the summer.  A big problem is that she spends more time arguing with the kids about why they are not helping than she does on getting the work done.  When ever we have moved in the past, we have been up until 3 am trying to frantically pack everything, only to wind up leaving stuff we needed/wanted behind.  I anticipate more fireworks over this issue, as well as getting our son packed for summer camp.