This isn't a vent...And it's not a blame...It's just my view of our reality, and marriage in general.....

How many here has struggled to accept the limitations in your marital relationship? I sure have! WOW..LOL...I know we all have similar, but different circumstances....But many of us have the exact same dynamics....It's something new most days...Does it wear on you like it wears on me? We can be rocking along pretty well, then boom...I've talked before about not engaging during those high probability times...But lets face it.... My wife wants me with her, and I want to be with her, most of the time (trips, outings, etc..)

But the results is usually bad when we get w/ her side of the family...Especially my adult stepson's  (not there fault, really good young men who love their mom) ...When she hit's hyper focus mode, nothing else matters....So what ever they do, she does or attempts to do...or just runs behind them....She has no conscience concerning my feelings, especially during these times...NONE!....And when I point it out, she just justifies it....She really lets me know my priority level in her heart and mind, by her actions (she doesn't have to say a word, and to try is just an insult).....So no matter how much I have hated training myself to peaceably live like she doesn't exist...I have had no choice (if I want a life that is) ....Because when I look beside me, there is no wife there, even when we are alone at home....And no wife that wants to be there...Except for those times she hasn't got a family member, girl friend, TV show or face book etc etc etc....to hyper focus on.....And when she seems some what content by my side, 90% of those times, it's because she is getting her way about something....(dinner out, movies, grand children over, or some other activity she has selected)

I don't like judging anyone....And I'm not judging her either...Because in the long run, it really doesn't matter whether it's pure selfish greed, or brain wiring....When our spouses justifies not being there for us, when they have no conscience related to their disrespectful actions, that my friends is a hopeless situation....So I can continue to go with her to visit the people or the places, that I know for 10 years now, has caused me to be put on hold, while she pursues her passions (not her husband)...Or I can say enough is enough....I think after this past weekend I've had enough....

I'm not angry, I knew it was going to happen when we left the drive way....But, I am worth way more than that, to a whole lot of people, and to a Great Big and Awesome God!....

If she ever see's herself and repents...I will know it....Because she will show up by my side...With a heart change (A new reality)...There will be no more blame, and she will have a great peace, just being the wife, she was created to be, and vowed to be...(No matter who's presents we are in)....Do I think this will ever happen....I don't know, but I do know that when I wake up, and during the day, and at bedtime, I give her and my desire for a Godly marriage to God....And all things are possible w/ God....

The saddest part is....If she never hungers to be the wife God is calling her to be, and she Vowed to be....She may live out her whole life, only to never know the wonders of being wife....This goes for me and all husbands as well...If we never accept the call on our lives to be the Husband we are called to be...And vowed to be, we've missed it....

So I'm working hard everyday to just trust the Father, and work on my responsibilities.....I just want to see my self, and never make excuses for not doing what I vowed to do.....Many of our Vows are somewhat limited, because it takes two for them to be honored (interaction) but all the one's that I can do, that don't require her presents or her willingness to share in....I want to honor and keep important....

I just want what God wants for all marriages....2 being 1....Love, respect, and faithfulness to one another......But it's just not my place or responsibility to continue to request her to care about her responsibilities and her attitude.... All you have to do is watch the attitude of a person to see if they are thankful or victims.....

Like I said, the day her eyes are opened, I want have to say a word....But, she will have plenty to say, and it will be all the things that hasn't ever come out of her mouth....She will be brand new!

Let it be so Father!

c

So way last January I stopped all therapy--mine and couples.  I just could not sit around talking about the same stuff every week that didn't change (couples) and I spent most of MY therapy time talking about HIM.  So enough already.  But lately I have not been sleeping and having those unhelpful loops in my brain: what am I not doing?  how did I end up like this?  what have I done to wind up in such a crappy marriage?  my kids are going to be damaged forever because I stayed in a crummy marriage.  how did we get this far gone?  what is wrong with me that I settled for this?  I feel so old and used up at age 48-is this all there is?  Basically a non-stop woe is me loop--pretty unhealthy.  So with my tail between my legs I took myself back to my therapist.  And I gotta say it was harder than I thought.  And it's hard for me to even admit to it being hard because I will yap to anyone who will listen how mental health is just as important as physical health, there shouldn't be a stigma to mental illness, no shame in getting help, etc.  But for me...I SHOULD be able to muscle through.  Well, I couldn't.  And I go back to school on August 13, so I kinda need to have myself together, mentally and physically.  So back I went.  This is a therapist who has worked with us for years-worked with my kids with their ADHD, worked with me when DH up and left 6 years ago, she knows me well so we didn't waste any time on the "getting to know you" stuff.  So I went in with three goals: to figure out how to separate from by the end of this school year when our lease is up and I can have us out of debt.  I am meeting with my attorney tomorrow and a counseling center in my neighborhood later this week that helps women who want to divorce get their ducks in a row.  Second goal: to remember how to have FUN and do that again.  Third goal: to not come out of this bitter and feeling like I wasted 23+ years of my life.  No one wants to be around a bitter person and that is not how I want to be in the world.  God has really been very good to me and THAT is how I want to be, just having trouble being that right now.  And she pointed out that there was a reason DH and I got together and did pretty well for many years.  I was 21 when we met, he was 23, both from awful homes/childhoods.  I was really good at organizing, planning, achieving, DOING, and he was passive and happy to go along.  That worked for a long time, even until the kids were in junior high I would say.  Once the boys started to separate and be their own people, that's when my role HAD to change-my iron fist way of running things didn't work for them or DH as it turned out and he left for 6 months when the oldest was in 8th grade.  When the kids were little, I was able to keep us afloat through his deployment, his being stationed out of state for two years, his unemployments, work travel, all the chaos he brought plus life with little kids plus our youngest had lots of health issues.  It was a lot BUT that made it really easy for me to go into hyper organizer-planner mode.  I cannot even tell you how many people used to tell me what a super mom I was that that house was always perfect and we were always doing interesting activities--museums, plays, beach, classes.  I say this now not with pride--I paid attention to the wrong stuff--who cared if the house was clean if I wasn't actually SEEING my kids??  I worked really hard on that when they hit junior high and DH left and it was clear something had to change.  All along DH was medicated sporadically for his ADHD, but by and large he went along with whatever plan I made.  As the kids got older and it wasn't so easy to use them as a distraction (me) it became clear that we had very little in common any more and here we are.  I am typing all this with tears in my eyes because my therapist would not let me get away with a narrative of this marriage where I was blameless and it was all his fault.  Now granted untreated ADHD is really hard to live with, but I picked him for a reason too--he was passive and easy to boss around.  Over time I was able to change when the needs of the boys changed and they became older and more independent and it was no longer appropriate for me to be in charge of every aspect of their lives.  And over time I became exhausted with being in charge of everything, but DH didn't know how to pick up the slack, in fact is probably not capable of picking up the slack, likely doesn't even notice what to pick up and is in his self absorbed ADHD-ness which was easy when I ran the show.  So here we are.  It's really hard to be honest about my part in all this.  I would like to think I am and was the perfect wife and why did he not get with MY program but maybe we were a bad fit all along and I just strong armed us into the shape of a family.  That is hard to think about.  How do you forgive yourself for stuff you did in the past when you thought you were doing the right thing, making the right choice but it turned out to be really really bad and now the fallout is pretty painful?  I used to tell this man that he was the man of my dreams and now we barely exchange 10 words in a day.  How does that happen?  That's rhetorical--I know how it happened.  It was necessary for both of us to change over the years of our marriage and we didn't do that together.  I am going to have to work really hard to be honest about my role in all this and not act like I was blameless. 

thoughts?

H is “going to get evaluated for ADHD” but I won’t hold my breath while waiting.  And I expect him to pop a pill but nothing else. He refuses to take responsibility for so many things and has from the start of our marriage, so I think it would be foolish to get my hopes up that he will do any real work on behaviors. 

That leaves me feeling a lot of regret. Regret that I didn’t know what it would be like before we married. Regret that I didn’t know about ADHD. Regret that I didn’t see those hints as icebergs whose tops are all I can see. Regret that I gave him so much benefit of the doubt.  Regret that I thought the charming, loving, attentive, hyper focus guy was who he really was.  

I have been angry for years. Discouraged for years. Lonely and neglected for years. I need to lay my anger down and my regret down. I need to practice some detachment and just find... peace. 

Anger I can lay down moment by moment.  It is hard but I can do it, and I have done it over and over, and I will have to keep having to do it. I can learn to put up boundaries to help alleviate some of the anger and frustration. But how do I get past the grief?  The regret?  

We are getting some major home renovations done this week and we had to pack up all of the clutter so people we hired could move everything into a portable storage unit.  I started boxing books a month ago, but I am working this summer and my wife is off.  I  expressed concern during the course of the last month that we would not  be ready.  This was based on previous experiences, such as packing for moving a 3 in the morning and then leaving a bunch of stuff behind--in a different state!  Also, part of the reasons she did not get more packing done was because she was too focused on fighting with the kids about why they weren't helping.  Granted, the kids should help.  But we had a deadline, and it had to get done.  (BTW, I discovered how our son had gotten around his chore of shredding papers by attempting to burn them--in a plastic cooler, under the wooden deck and the propane grill!)

On Friday, the portable storage unit was supposed to be delivered, but they had it backwards on the truck.  I found out about it when I got home, but she was not there.  So I called her to ask why this happened.  I was confused about why anyone would want the doors facing the back of the driveway and not the front.  Her phone dropped the call during the conversation.  I did not say she did anything wrong--I just wanted to figure out what the company had told her.  But I was "attacking" her.

On Friday night, I was about to go to sleep and I noticed that there was a very large pile of clothes on our bed.  I just said to myself, "Oh, there is still stuff on the bed."  My wife was in the bathroom and overheard.  She lashed out at me because I was being over critical.  When I tried to point out that I had just reacted to something I noticed and did not say anything thing like "Why did you leave all this stuff on our bed?", she then claimed that she was venting because I had  been too critical all week.  I had always complained that she was focusing on the wrong thing.  I admit I did express some frustration that she was cleaning the porch when we needed to clear the living room and dining room.  She was able to fit some of the stuff from those rooms onto the porch.

Around 8:00 on Saturday, I got back from the store.  I was bringing in groceries and she had not fed the pets (they usually eat at 6:00).  I got a bit upset that she was not helping with the groceries and I was expected to feed the pets as well.  I then asked, "When are we going to start dinner?"  She snapped at me for being critical.  I pointed out that I asked when WE were going to start dinner--not when she was going to.  Nor did I complain, "Why didn't you cook dinner?"  I wound up going for a 30 minute walk until she would treat me with civility.  Again, she claimed it was because I had been too critical during the week.

Sunday morning, they redelivered the storage unit.  There was a low hanging, not in use wire that was in the way.  While she was trying to use a very large piece of wood to lift the wire out of the way, she absent mindedly swung it and almost him me in the head.  I did not get angry, but naturally I was surprised expressed my shock (Something along the lines of, "Woah!  Look out!")   Again, she started yelling at me about being critical.  She later said that if I think she has ADHD then I should understand this.  I pointed out that yes, I understood that she was confused, but she could have apologized after she calmed down and realized that she had almost sent me to the ER.

The people we hired to move things came at 2:00.  We were still packing, of course.