Often when my ADHD husband gets stressed out, he will lash out and give a laundry list of reasons why he's stressed out, and each and every thing he lists seems to have a barbed comment about how I've failed/let him down in some way. I've told him how this behavior makes me feel, but he insists that if I can't repeat exactly the things he said that were offensive he "can't change the behavior." This really feels like a cop-out and refusing to take responsibility for the things he says. I'm struggling because when it's a long list he's rattling off (which feels like kitchen sinking) I don't know how I'm supposed to remember every single word he says like a tape recorder, I just know how it makes me feel. He refuses to see any good I do, whatsoever, and is always the victim in the scenario, and I am always the villain. 

For instance, this evening I made dinner, packed up our kiddo's daycare snacks for tomorrow, made up the bed (our 22 month old is potty training and had an accident on our bed), and put away the food from dinner. There were a few dishes left (a pot, some toddler dishes, cutting board, and a couple spatulas) and a little lunch left to pack. Our dogs desperately needed a walk and were begging to go out, so I told him I was going to take them around the block (about a 20 min walk normally) and be right back to help with the rest of the bed time routine. He was giving our son a bath and he said "of course, no problem, and if you need to leave some dishes or lunch packed for tomorrow it's fine I can do it." I leave for 20 mins. When I came back he was stressed out and packing lunch for kiddo's daycare. I asked what still needed to be done for bedtime and what I could help with and he went into this tailspin about how "everything needs to be done," and I left all this stuff for him to do and he had to shoulder it all alone. (This was after he told me to go walk the dogs and I told him what was remaining) I was just going to let it slide but I think he could tell I was a little annoyed by this sudden 180, and was breathing down my neck to repeat the exact words he said that had offended me. He spiraled out and we ended up not solving the issue. He went for a long walk for hours and is sleeping in another room tonight.

It just feels so crazy to even be in a place like this, and this kind of thing happens more than I'd like to admit. I don't know how else to make him understand the things he says are hurtful and if he could even say them in a neutral way or act like we're a team to any degree things would be peachy.

Anyone else experience something like this?

It finally ended and he finally decided to stop contacting me after 4 years of stalking me and pretending we never broke up in the first place. But the way I ended things to get rid of him I have to say I feel very guilty and ashamed of. I never wanted to hurt him. Me and my adhd ex were together for 6 years and my world revolved around him. Although it was constant fights and breaking up every other week he never wanted to let go.. he would create tons of new numbers and emails just to stay in touch. 
well this past month I met a man that I convinced myself I was in love with. Obviously I was not and was just imagining a different future. So I told my adhd ex to please leave me alone because I was interested in someone else. I felt like both of our worlds collapsed. After so many years of friendship we never wanted it to end this way. I'm extremely heartbroken and feel horrible for what I did to him. He has stopped contacting me now. 
Nothing happened with the new guy he obviously was not even interested in me because I had idealized it all. I think I did it all on purpose to end my relationship with my adhd ex but boy does it hurt, 

Why do these things lead to such drastic measures. For years I tried to break up the right way and he would not. Now I went to do something stupid and hurt him more than I ever wanted. I felt I was his protector for the longest. Only time can heal us now. The shame of not being the bigger person this time kills me, there's no excuse for my actions. Has anyone here had guilt like this before? Where you felt like you were the one who was supposed to have self control but failed. 

This week my ex husband's cheerful texts on things he needs me to do for children (who are with him) make me want to hurt him.

I don't like who I am at this moment. I practically hate the man. I hate that he acts as if he has no functional issues, at the same time counting heavily on me for the children. I hate that he pretends he hasn't used me and been dishonest to me and hurt me. I hate that he makes no attempt to make amends. I hate that he conveys he's so happy and relaxed now.

I know what he conveys is probably not the whole picture. He always works hard on his appearance. He's a good actor. He might still struggle with some issues, having the children 50%. But it hurts to see him happy while I'm miserable. I'm the more reliable parent. Without me our kids would have suffered neglect. He pretends the family hasn't relied on me to function and still does. He acts like he has nothing to do with the state I'm in. He does nothing for closure. I'm not expecting it, but I am so angry that he had to destroy my trust entirely and trample on me before he left. I was already in a vulnerable state, smelling burnout, that's why I had to divorce him. 

I don't feel I'm much of a resource for anyone now, I'm depleted. Time with the children isn't joyful even though I miss them terribly. I'm stressed by having so little to offer them and by being so unhappy.

So the way he's let our relationship end is bad for his children. 

I hate that I'm still overworking to compensate for him. I'm reluctant to let him handle important things in the children's lives, because they might suffer. But maybe I should. 

Or maybe I should tell him that he's putting his children at risk by kicking me in the head while relying on my brain to save the day.

Something has to change, or I'll have a breakdown and won't function.

What have you done?

Long story short, we separated in February.  But he sometimes worked at the bar by our house, so he would come back for a day, then it was two days.  Then we'd go to parties or events with the kids together and it was easier for him to just stay here, and of course we were getting along so much better than before.  A house on our block came up for sale at a really great price.  I thought it would be great for a place for me to live, he could have my (much larger) house and I could live there.   Then we realized that we couldn't totally afford it unless we rented it for a while, until I was working full time again. 

By summer he was only staying with his mom once a week.  Then once every two weeks.  But we were getting along.  I would occasionally mention the things he was supposed to do to show me that he was changing and serious, but he never did them. 

Then he brought his electric toothbrush back.   I put on the brakes.  I told him that we were not back together.  That would never happen without a conversation.  There would be no assumptions.  It had to be an actual conversation.  

That's been the biggest problem  He just won't tell me things, and I need to play detective to figure out what's going on.  In 2018, this man made plans to move halfway across the country and just assumed I knew because I was being so nice about it.   I knew his company was moving headquarters.  I knew he went down there to scope out the area.  I did not know that he was permanently moving there in two weeks. I still thought that we were in the planning and discussion phase.  I only found out because he shipped his car there and I asked how he was going to get to work without his car.   I would have let him move there and stayed here, but he was fired the day before he was supposed to go.  

This week he mentioned his brother was coming to visit his mother's house.  I don't like his brother.  I said I didn't want to go.   But then he said his brother was bringing our niece, who I would like to see.   But all of the conversations just devolved into him asking me if I wanted to go.   Finally I was like "What am I agreeing to?  What is happening this weekend?"  We have an argument about him not giving me all the information in situations. They had a whole variety of things planned.  I dragged out of him that he is planning on going out tonight, cleaning up his stuff so his brother has a place to sleep without his crap everywhere.  This is the important part:  He decides to take the kids out with him tonight, come back home, and go back the next day to go to a concert with his siblings.  

I went swimming with the kids and when we get back he's apologetic for not giving me the full story earlier, but the plans have changed and he's just going to tell me outright.  Okay.  He tells me that no one told him there would be a picnic tomorrow afternoon and he'd like me to come.  Okay, he's direct, thank you.  I tell him how hard it is when he doesn't tell me everything, that I need to make decisions based on all the facts.  I talk at him for a bit, then stop to let him talk.  

He says "so you will come out there at 1?"  Just something about that feels off.   I ask him about it, and he again asks me to come at 1.   Remember, he is taking the kids tonight and come home again.  Why is he so focused on when I will be out there?

So I say "What aren't you telling me?  Something isn't adding up."  He tells me that he's spending the night so that he can go tour assisted living places for his mom in the morning.  I ask if he's still taking the kids out tonight and he says he wasn't planning on it.  He says "Oh God, I've done it again, huh?" 

But instead of being apologetic, he tells me he tried to have a conversation with me, but that I started telling him how I need him to give me more information and he didn't have the opportunity.   I said "The important part was that the plans had changed.  Having a picnic or hanging out in your brother's yard is all the same to me.  You kept asking me if I would come, but you didn't tell me the part about you not taking the kids and coming home tonight.  That's the part I needed to know."  

Then he starts arguing with me over his reasons for deciding to spend the night.   I keep saying "I don't care about the reasons, that doesn't matter.  I don't care if you're spending the night.  The issue is that I had to ask the right questions to figure out what you were doing."  I don't care that he's spending the night.  I don't care that the plans changed.  I care that he didn't give me the information I needed to make a decision.   That's the issue.   That's what he needed so say.  Not "Now there is a picnic, will you come."  He needed to say "I'm going to spend the night out there and I'm not bringing the kids, could you please bring them out for the picnic tomorrow?" 

I just feel crazy.  Is this ADHD?  Is this some weird manipulation?  Why is he insisting that the important part of the story is why he decided to spend the night?  I don't care about his reasons.  I care that he didn't tell me and I had to drag it out of him.