Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • The Effect on Kids of Inattentive ADHD in Parent by: honestly 4 months 3 weeks ago

    I was talking with my young adult son yesterday. His father has ADHD; he doesn't, though he is dyspraxic. He said to me that when he was growing up, he always felt that there was something wrong with him, because his father never listened to him, but was always telling him off and getting cross with him for 'not listening'. It had baffled, confused and upset him and he had internalised it as a fault in himself. He felt at once to blame and completely unheard by his father. He said that when he found a friend who really listened to him, it felt magical. Such a simple thing but it felt amazing. He also said that I had listened to him, but that his father's attitude had really affected him, making him feel really bad about himself. 

    This was the first I learned of the impact of his father's inattention and poor self control on our child. I always knew it was battering me emotionally, but I thought the kids were broadly shielded from it by my efforts to be steady and attentive and a good solid presence in their lives. But all the time my sweet little boy was being made to feel faulty and to blame by his father's behaviour. 

    Thankfully the young man is reflective enough to understand the dynamic, and if it makes him attracted to thoughtful and attentive people as friends and partners, there are far worse ultimate outcomes.

    But he struggled with his mental health throughout his teens, with a particularly scary depressive episode at sixteen which I helped him through, without, of course, any support from my husband/his father. And it breaks my heart that thoughtful, reflective, generous, kind, adorable little-him was made to feel like that by his father's inattention and lack of emotional regulation, and I didn't know and hadn't protected him from it. 

  • I am Scrooge by: J 5 months 17 hours ago
  • Non ADHD spouse, questioning if I should be on meds. by: tat 5 months 20 hours ago

    I have been married to an ADHD man for 8 years.  He is non medicated and barely acknowledges he has ADHD He will do no self reflection or research to help himself.  Last 2 years have been bad with his RSD and very dysregulated (not that he ever was regulated).  I can't talk to him.  I am in this alone.  My emotional tank is so full, I just want to give up but we don't really want divorce.  My question is:  Have any of you non ADHD spouses started taking medication to help you deal with your ADHD spouse?  ie:  antianxiety, depression meds?  Any natural supplements?  If so do you think it helps you and are there any nasty side effects?  Please don't suggest alcohol.... Been there done that, I don't recommend it;  however it does help for a few hours.  Thank you in advance folks.  

  • Understanding, Coming From an Unusual Circumstance by: J 5 months 1 day ago
  • Confidence by: Swedish coast 5 months 2 days ago

    Sorry all, this will sound self-pitying. I'll write it anyway because I need to take down these realizations when they come.

    Have been struggling for a few days. Am very unhappy. Have dwelled in memory of the deepest despair of the past year.

    The therapist tells me I suffer from trauma and have been manipulated. Vacation makes it unavoidable. No distractions.

    The issue is so simple really. I did everything I possibly could to save our marriage. I did everything I could to choose honesty, and vulnerability. I worked hard to be close to this passive turned away dishonest weak depressed anxious man with severe ADD. We had excellent therapy. He didn't do what the therapist recommended. He forgot to honor the agreements we made together with the therapist. He didn't communicate.

    He had put me under terrible strain for years by stating he was incapable of taking adult responsibility for our family. He let me toil. We lost our social network because he had social anxiety. Then during divorce, he claimed he could suddenly take all this responsibility. And he has had the children lived with him 50% of the time since, even though I take care of all clothing, haircuts, hygiene issues, social obligations, proactive work, activities for them. And I worry that life at their father's is passive and unhealthy.

    During divorce he slandered me. He told me I was unreliable. He said I took no responsibility in life, making myself a victim and blaming others for everything. He said I had a narrow distorted perspective. He said he wished we'd been divorced much earlier. He said I would have to rethink how I related to people in general because I was useless at it. He said he didn't and wouldn't care about my opinion anymore. He didn't care what would become of our relationship after divorce, it was over. He said I had better cooperate with him for the sake of the children, it was my duty. He scorned me for my pain and for my referring to former agreements we'd made. He scorned me for acting like I thought living with me was such a precious gift. A lot of this was said with a rage face.

    He's a professional in the field. I had been open and shared my insecurities with him. He phrased it like I was someone to be evaluated by him. It would have been easier to be called a stupid c...t. 

    After divorce he claimed he had no regrets and he had meant every word he said. 

    These are facts. They are simple.

    And reading about trauma I score quite high on those questionnaires.

    It's hard to realize my confidence is actually gone. I thought it might be due to ageing, and professional disappointments, but really of course it's not about that. It's that we were socially isolated for so many years, that I struggled so hard, and was then trying to keep calm and kind during the last months while he showed me I was worth nothing.

    Due to recent reminders of other history (systematic invalidation of my thoughts and feelings since childhood and some earlier losses) I right now feel every destructive force has centered on this beautiful week in July. And I have to admit I have no confidence left.

    Realize I don't particularly care if someone wants to brush this off as victimization or self-pity. It's simple. It's there. I have no illusions that it will go away until I've worked it through. 

  • The stranger who now lives in my house by: Off the roller ... 5 months 3 days ago

    I've been lurking on the forum recently, haven't been posting or commenting too much. But something came to me the other day and I wanted to see what you all thought (Both ADHD and non-ADHDers here): 

    But for me, I am now fully feeling as though my husband (late ADHD dx earlier last year) is an absolute stranger to me. I couldn't tell you what he likes, dislikes, what his fears are, what his dreams, hopes, plans...nothing. And to be fully honest, he can't really tell mine either because I haven't and CHOSE to not share them. Vunerability breaths intimacy and I won't put myself out there anymore to someone who I don't know and frankly, doesn't treat me with the respect I'd like to have, much less deserve. 

    (caveat: I will 100% acknowledge this goes both ways. I don't feel respect towards him. I'm not disgusted by him but I don't feel very fond of him)

    But as I'm being encouraged (therapy, group support, friends, etc) to find out what I DO want and need and boundaries and all that.... I'm just perplexed and what to do when this realisation has hit. He's a literal stranger to me. I dno't even know if I want to know him anymore. Because he hasn't and won't grow, he doesn't appear to me to even be open to growing or finding out what's wrong in our marriage or even trying to work on something together - this push will have to come from me and frankly, I am too tired and exhasted from what life has thrown us over the last 10 years. And I can honestly say that in the last year, if there was an inkling that he was open to it or just even behaved in a way that I got the impression that he WANTS to be married and be with me, I might be open to taking that push or encouragement. 
    But as Dr John Delony says... behaviour is a language. I don't care what he's said the last 2 years, it's what he DOES and I don't like it. And don't appreciate it and most of all, incredibly confused as to the type of person he has become. A stranger. 

     

  • Symptom, Response, Response by: J 5 months 5 days ago

    Before I say anything else, I want to thank everyone on this forum, who have helped with so much love, compassion and kindness despite my ignorance in so many ways now and in the past...if I've said anything that was hurtful or made people angry due to my own obliviousness. ( is that even a word ? ) Without knowing that I've done so, and I'm sure I have, I'm deeply sorry that I've been the cause of this hurt.

    Which leads me to....

    If it hadn't been for this forum,  Melissa's book and her class, I never would have understood the concept of Symptom, Response,  Response. This is exactly what has happened with myself and my SO who is also ADHD. Being able to recognize this dynamic happening has really helped me not take things too personally and remind myself that I'm part of this dynamic too. I've been watching myself constantly and making sure I'm doing my part in not making it worse. Nipping it in the bud so to speak.

    Having two people who have ADHD together is like rubbing your head and patting your belling AND playing 3D Chess at the same time. Alot of things to watch for and think about including the fact that when I see her, it's like looking at myself in a mirror at times.

    I've also been able to recognize the change in our relationship as we've just past the honeymoon phase of our relationship at just over 2 years. Again truly helpful when you start getting that "what's wrong here " feeling. Something has changed but it's more of a natural progression that happens to everyone. Experiencing SRR and being able to recognize is extremely helpful and I have this site and Melissa and all the people here who have been so tolerant and kind to thank.

    Thank you.

     

    J

  • I was critical and impatient by: Swedish coast 5 months 6 days ago

    I've been doing some soul searching. What did I do during our many years together that hurt my undiagnosed ADD partner?

    We all know some very common things, and those I've done. I was critical of his priorities and questioned his performance. I dismissed most of his ideas.

    Impatient by nature, I've made him feel he was always too slow. I've prompted action and decisiveness to no avail. I've shown irritation at his natural pace. 

    Also I complained a lot. My life with him had few rewards. It was as if my worth in the world plummeted with his hidden depression and anxiety when our children were little. I couldn't understand why nothing I did helped, when formerly I had been quite resourceful and felt well liked. I then complained about being unhappy, feeling alone, feeling overwhelmed, feeling badly treated by other people. I complained about work most days and took work distress home, but didn't quit the line of work I was doing. 

    His parents noticed something was wrong with us and decided it must be my fault. Then I refused to see them. This he couldn't accept, and it was a constant cause of conflict for years. 

    When he was sick, I couldn't stand it. He had a way of slowing down even more, to the point of complete standstill, not communicating at all for days when he had a cold. I was angry with him for it, and I showed my impatience and anger when he was ill. 

    Most days I tried to run a cheerful family and worked around his negligence. But some days I confronted him for never sharing his work schedule with me. For leaving all planning responsibility to me. And for all the other things he didn't do.

    Add years and heavy resentment. Finally I felt he should acknowledge I was there at all, no matter how shut down I was. He was newly diagnosed needing encouragement and approval, and I was just spent. I was barely able to support us financially and keep house. I couldn't give him the emotional support he needed.

    All in all, I understand I've undermined his confidence, punctured his hopes and dismissed him as an equal partner. I could have done better, by leaving long ago, even though I didn't know what our problem was. There really was no virtue in hanging on to the misery and spending us both.

    With an early diagnosis, things might have been different. But to be honest, I probably wouldn't have started our family if I'd known about his neurodivergence. This I'm not proud of. I've loved him deeply. But nonetheless.

    Considering all this, he has been very kind to me. There have been rage outbursts, but most of the time he's been very gentle, loving and kind.

    I need to remember that, too. 

     

     

     

     

  • Rage meltdown ending on physical abuse adhd partner by: saudade 5 months 6 days ago

    Hello everybody, first excuse me for my english.

    Here's my story and I am searching for help on how to approach my partner again.

    He has adhd, add, emotional dysfunction, a lot of traumas and an alcohol problem. Probably there are other syntoms which weren't diagnosticate. He refuses medication and therapy, which he tried, and he tries by himself, many times he manages it. But when he drinks too much, he gets these anger outbursts that he cannot control. Normally he leaves to his place (he was everyday in my place). He says he has to go away to protect me, because he loves me, and he cannot control his rage. I never understood until last week. He could not go away, because his key was at my place, he was drinking the whole night and he ended up beating me up (bitting and pushing) and was arrested. After some hours he came out. Still in rage. I didn't see him, a friend gave him the things he had in my apt. And his dog. No contact 5 days.

    I took care of myself.

    I also have to say ( I am 54): this is the most loving, caring man I know. We spent all our free time together, doing nice things. I had a hard time with some issues and he was there. The most time we had a beautiful relation. He also tries very hard not to drink much, already made many changes in his life, he works hard and is in general an amazing person. He also did the homework, everything perfect. 

    Now: I tried to call him yesterday. He has no family, no friends (only bar-friends) 

    He didn't answer. I wrote him to call me back, that is nothing bad, no discussion but I need to tell him something. He answered "I should not". And that was it. 

    I want to talk with him. To tell him I've learned a lot this days and many things he told me are clear to me now (I did not take ADHD so serious, never had to deal with it until January). I want to offer my help for him to make therapy. And I want to start again, because I love him, he loves (or loved) me and I believe we can manage to try in a different way. He asked me several times for help (like, please when I want to go to the bar, ssy no, tell me to come home) and I didn' t get it. 

    What he did has no excuse. But I fund the explanation. 

    My pain is so overwhelming and I know his pain about his condition must be terrible too.

    In previous meltdowns, I was here to care for him. He cried and was like a child looking for safety. Now he is alone.

    Question: what can I do that he talks with me at least on the phone? He is stonewalling and I cannot even tell him I forgive him...

  • I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom by: Catterfly 5 months 1 week ago

    Hi all, this comes with a giant trigger warning.

    Some of you might be aware of my situation: 17 year marriage, DH diagnosed about a year ago.  We have two daughters, one age 12 who I'm taking to a psychiatrist at the end of the month, because I'm sure she also has ADHD. 
     

    But we also have a beautiful, kind, wonderful, funny daughter who just turned 15, a year after her diagnosis of ADHD, and two years after she was very violently assaulted in a local park.  :(

     

    I've been dealing with her trauma on my own for two years, simply because H doesn't understand trauma and refuses to learn about it.  In his mind, doing the best day to day stuff for mental health (wearing the right clothes, going to the gym, having the right friends), will result in her getting better.  Also, meds are a source of shame for him and must be avoided, in fear of admitting some kind of failure.  We have had many arguments - sometimes full out fights - about his daily yelling at her to change her behaviour.

     

     Finally in May she made a medically severe suicide attempt, and I spent Mother's Day in the ER not knowing if my baby would survive, or even what had actually happened to her.

    Since that day, I've quit work (employment insurance) and have made her health my #1 priority.  After two months of the most amazing time together, creating opportunities for her and getting her connected to friends, she confessed to me almost a week ago that nothing is a detractor any more. Her pain is so great that she's willing to sacrifice her family's future in order to get out of it.  Thank god we have a relationship where she was able to divulge this to me.  I of course took her straight back to the ER and the childrens' psychiatric team that I''ve come to be close with.  She was admitted immediately. 

     

    Here's where it gets relevant to this group: yesterday I got a call from the hospital psychiatrist telling me that she's afraid of her father's unpredictable rages, and that she can't be brought home to our house.  They told him the same thing in a separate call.  So the issue is not only her trauma, it's also her father's daily rages, and the subsequent fights I have with him about how they are inappropriate, or me just stepping in to mediate and protect the kids.

    STILL he blames me, and says he's done nothing wrong.  Complete denial.  All of his rage is justified in his kind, and attributable to either me or the kids.  Complete denial of his diagnosed ADHD, the RSD, or any impact on me or the girls.

     

     Needless to say I'm leaving him, and told him so yesterday while putting plans in place, but I'm terrified to cause even more instability in my daughter's life.  She has asked me to move her to a completely new town.  That's how bad it is.  
     

    Since he reads this forum and doesn't see himself in it, I'm at a loss. He refuses to own any responsibility to either help our children or better himself.

     

    I guess my question is - is this ADHD?  Is there something else going on?  And how did I, a high achieving woman with tons of family support, find myself as the frog in the proverbial pot, and at the same time find that I've put my children at risk??

    Maybe more importantly, if he's reading your responses, is this behaviour in any way justified by literally anything I or the kids do????

     

    help

    Catterfly

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