Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Forgiveness by: Swedish coast 4 months 10 hours ago

    Have any of you non-ADHD partners who've been badly hurt by ADHD, reached a point of forgiveness?

    I would want to close this crater of pain when the first year of divorce is coming round. It's not so much about him or overseeing with his actions. Mostly, I want to be different.

    It isn't over. I had a major adrenalin rush as late as a week ago because of my ex husband's long-standing, as it turned out, mistake concerning the children. His symptoms and lack of communication are still tugging at my nerves as we try to coparent via texts. He thinks he's friendly and has no idea of what he's done to me, he ignores evidence of it. I'm hurt, stressed out, have deception trauma according to the therapist.

    Still, I want to find forgiveness and peace. I want to be able to show up for the children where my ex is without a migraine stopping me. I would like to make our family - because we are still a family - something I don't regret. I want to comfort old friends and extended family and tell them the divorce was necessary, but now we've put it behind us and work so well together for the children. I want to be grateful for my life, not shattered and accusing. As yet, I'm not close to this goal. I am a mess.

    It's not in my personality to keep emotions locked up. Neither am I good at pretending things are different than they are. So forgiveness and acceptance must be true.

    When there is no trust anymore, and you are completely estranged from your former love, how do you still write new chapters about love and trust? How do you show your children a decent and mature way to handle a crisis? How do you forgive, even if you don't see any excuse for what's been done to you?

    What did you do? 

  • Communication Missing the Mark by: J 4 months 1 day ago

    I believe I understand what my SO is trying to say,  but she's not only missing the mark, its making me feel criticized and disapproved of at the very same time. This is one reason I came back here talking about her going on a roll of periods of non-stop criticism.  I realized, this method she's been using has great deal to do with it,  as this method  happens quite often.... even again tonight.  In fact, this is the reason we had our first conflict together. Ironically, it's conflict she's trying to avoid. The message is definitely not coming through loud and clear! 

    What she does ( the method ) is ask a lot of leading questions....actually, it's just one leading question.

    "Why did you do it that way?"  ( or how come ? )

    This is not actually a question but questioning my methods when I do things at times. This always comes after I do ( the thing ) which many times, I have no answer for.  I've found simply saying "I don't know?" serves to shut this down plus it's the truth. I don't know why I do everything I do? Especially things I've been doing all my life almost involuntarily. And for the record....I haven't broken anything since I've been here. She has, but it's her stuff. She's mostly concerned with spills, crumbs and food stuff getting on the floors and counter tops. She keeps them immaculate which is a tough act for me to follow always.

    I believe I understand this now,  it's a fear response in that, she's afraid something will happen that she doesn't want to have happen and she feels she can't control it.... because she can't physically control another person to prevent this ( thing ) from happening.  In other words, she's feeling out of control. I'm saying this because I feel this way too at times for the same reason. This is akin to back seat driving which is also something she does chronically.

    The net affect is making me feel disapproved of, incompetent and criticized....because this is actually what she's doing: It's a thinly veiled form of criticism in the form of a question.   It also makes me feel like I'm being watched all the time because she's actually doing that too. Watching me and checking to make sure I'm doing ( whatever ) the way she would do it. And when I don't do it that way...out comes that question. I understand also, the way she does it actually works so she has a good reason ( at least in her mind ) to do what she does. She has pulled me aside many times showing me how she likes things done down to the specific movements and specific ways she does it. It's really is a form of micromanagement.

    Anyway. I haven't been reacting to this because it happens a lot and I calmly say"I don't know". This  seems to works for now.  But I can tell she's still frustrated because she's not getting the response from me she's looking for. I believe this is an indirect form of passive aggressive communication. I also believe shes doing this because she's afraid of conflict with me, if she were more direct.

    If she were more direct, she'd probably get a different response from me as well as telling me exactly what's on here mind. At the same time, I wouldn't feel like she was always disapproving me and being criticized every time she does it.

    Actually, since I believe I understand what's happening...it's really not having much affect on me any more. For now,  I know the "I don't know" response is working but I wish I knew a netter way to confront her on this.

    Any ideas or suggestions would be very much appreciated. 

    Also, thanks to the person who commented that having someone move into your space in middle age can be stressful because people get set in their ways. It caused me to remember this was a concern of hers prior to me moving in. She even said it close to something like...."I'm very set in my ways and I was getting use to living alone"  This was very helpful information to keep in the back of my mind.

     

    J

     

  • Context by: J 4 months 3 days ago

    A quick post about frustration and ADHD and an observation I made at work. The frustration is not mine but my employer's.

    The woman I work with has ADHD. I've mentioned she's the apprentice in the shop. I've also mentioned that in my line of work....there's a structured hierarchy: apprentice, journeymen and master. In the tradition of the craft, the apprentice has a supporting role in support of the journeymen and master craftsman. They do all busy work and tasks that keep the others moving in flow so the entire shop will run smoothly and be more productive. 

    It occurred to the other day, that there's somewhat of a reversal happening in the shop. It seems many times...the shop and all the senior craftsman are in support of her much of the time. The flow of available resource goes more towards her than the other way around.

    My boss has labeled her ...her "problem child".

    Just an interesting observation that's very easy for me to see in a different context.

  • Angry at ADHD Husband - Not Understanding Priority Setting by: Radmom09 4 months 3 days ago

    I am a 38 f married to a 39 m. We have been married for almost 15 years and have two children. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago when I brought up my unhappiness with the house work load balance. We've worked to put some things in place to help accommodate these issues, but the biggest issue that I have in the marriage is the lack of priority setting. For a large majority of my relationship my needs don't seem to be important to him. I have tried to make sure I express my needs verbally in an easily understood manner and use key words and phrases like, "This is important to me"... and " I need this..."  We don't seem to be making any progress with this portion of our marriage. When he expresses his needs and wants I feel like I have to jump through hoops, but he is so unfazed.

    An example of this is our upcoming anniversary. In the past I have planned almost all of our vacations alone. We've always tried to have a short vacation for our anniversary, just the two of us. Last year we agreed to go to the mountains, we discussed the location, all I needed him to do was find a place. We had an agreed upon weekend, where we could make it work without taking the kids. He simply just didn't do it. So the week before we were supposed to take this time for our anniversary. I find that he just didn't do it. And it's not that he didn't have the time. It's just that he prioritized other things instead of taking the time to do it. We also run into this issue when I ask to make plans and then one of his friends asks after that to make plans. Usually he will cancel with me, let me down, and do what his friends ask. 

    I don't find this to be a symptom of his ADHD. I find this to be selfishness and that he deems other things more important. I guess it wouldn't hurt so bad if I felt like it wasn't intentional, but I don't think when you tell someone that something is really important to you and they understand that and do the opposite anyway.  

  • Need Help With Ambivalence by: J 4 months 5 days ago

    I,m sorry it's taken so long to make this post but I wanted to make sure I covered all my bases by considering all sides of this issue I'm having before I've said anything.  Coming back here has been hugely helpful in this process and as usual, I've  come away with more of an education that I had originally thought I would. Im always thankful for all the people here who help make this happen

    Anyway, I'm going to make this post as if I've never been here and I have no past history to flavor this at all. It'll help me get right to the point and you'll just have to trust that I've given this some thorough thought. Here we go.

    My SO just recently asked me if I wanted to get married. Out relationship is great and we make a great team. I asked her only recently if I was a good partner and she answered by saying I,ve been an excellent partner. I answered her back saying yes, I'd marry you...and am now planning to officially propose to her which I can tell, it's what she would like from me as well.

    But there's been a couple of things that have been bothering and have caused me some ambivalent feelings. We've talked at length about our lives and past history with other relationships and I have a pretty good feeling I understand her on an intimate level. 

    These are things I noticed when I first walked through the door as we had a lengthy online relationship first, then talking on the phone daily for hours before I ever met her in person. ( 3 years total ) Of course, there was no physical contact before this time and we had no history of sharing living space together including physical intimacy. 

    Its important to note: neither one of were looking for a partner or doing online dating. She had given up on that from her online dating experiences and I simply had resigned myself at the time to live a solitary life. I was committed, with intention, to being celebate so I could easily reach out to people including women without any thoughts of the relationship going anywhere but just friends. 

    When I first arrived, I notice her controlling tendencies almost immediately.  I felt like I walked right into the parent child dynamic from the moment I set foot through the door.

    When we did become intimate shorty after...I had absoluty no complaints and it deepened our connection. What I learned from staying single as long as I did was connection with others was what I really valued most above all else. And as one might expect....I wanted to continue to have sex again right away. This is where it gets strange for me. I've never experienced this before. Normally, I've experienced a period of not being able to keep your hands off each other...and me, with physical touch being my # 1 love language, it's only natural for me to want to have sex right after having it for the first time together.  When I initiated it the next day,  her reaction was not what I expected. She seemed irritated at first, then, almost begrudgingly said something like....well, okay. Like...if you must.

    That was weird? ..and it immediately hit all my insecurity buttons as if....I'd done something wrong?

    I've come to learn....she has an issue with me being the initiator and her not controlling when we have sex.

     

    I'll have to come back to this as I need to get ready for work.

  • When their dopamine rush affects you negatively by: Off the roller ... 4 months 5 days ago

    Guys...I'm struggling with managing my own reactions and behaviours when it comes to my husband's dopamine rushes. He gets the dopamine rush, buys the 'thing' and then it's discarded in a pile (like, literal pile) in our house or backyard or whatever. Or he makes the grand gesture or declaration that he's going to do something and we ALL have to get in line.  Or some times, the purchase doesn't even MAKE it to the pile... it's still in the fecking box/wrapper sitting there for MONTHS if not YEARS. And the projects! The dopamine projects are everywhere in my home. I want a peaceful, reasonably clean home and I haven't been able to use my kitchen table but for 1 week out of the year practically and there are pending projects EVERYWHERE. 

    I'd love to say that we've chatted about it and it's just something we have to live with but he doesn't acknowledge it and bringing it up even is a fight or the defensive shield goes up or whatever. it's just overwhelming and horrible to live with and in. And the example it sets for our son is crappy too. 

    It feels as if I do the 'radical acceptance' on it, that I'm just rolling over and letting it be. But I want it cleaned up. Or finished. Or sold. Or addressed even and just either use it or get it out of the house! 

    But in all seriousness, I know that I can only control MY actions and words and all that but this is really affecting me. I'm not sure how/what to deal with it. I dont' want to live like this to be honest. I know this. But have no idea where to even start. 

  • "No man is free who is not master of himself " - Locus of Control by: J 4 months 1 week ago

    My SO is a Control Freak. Everyone who knows her says the same thing.....her friends, family members, her son and even she openly admits it. 

    I, on the other hand, am a control freak, but more narrowly focused to things I do less my environment and other people. That's not to say I don't do the same things she does, but predominantly, my control focus is aimed in a different direction than hers.

    There's definitely a qualitative difference between the two of us and I believe this has to do with locus of control. I looked up ( yet another article ) on this topic and low and behold, I think I found pay dirt. The article said that ADHD folks tend to be more external locus of control, but my tendency so often, lean more toward internal locus of control.

    So why is that?

    "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose"

    Growing up, I remember feeling this way quite often. When you're at the bottom, there's no where to go but up. This sentiment allows you to try things without fear of failure because you already feel like a failure anyway. You've got nothing to lose.

    “Freedom is the only worthy goal in life. It is won by disregarding things that lie beyond our control.”

    I believe this, but my SO loses sight of this at times so exercising patience and grace is what I need to do in these moments. 

    I'm guessing,  her issues also stem from trauma and abuse ( she's told me of her sexual abuse and her mother's alchoholism ). I'm betting there's some maladaptive strategies there as well. Just like me.

    "To accuse others for one's own misfortune is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete."

    Not there yet, but I'm trying

    J

  • Trophic Cascade: How Wolves Changed Rivers by: J 4 months 1 week ago

    There's an incredible video on YouTube entitled: How Wolves Changed Rivers that tells the story of what happened when they reintroduced wolves back into Yellowstone National Park. The net effect was something called a Trophic Cascade which is a miraculous phenomenon that takes place in a closed environment, when a small change ( in the big picture ) has an amazing impact on the entire ecosystem. I hope you can take a minute and watch this short video.

    In my mind, this is how GOD works. You couldn't ask for a more profound example. 

    It only took me a minute to realize how much this exemplifies my own personal belief system which I won't assume is shared by everyone else.

    My thoughts and personal beliefs in relation to my relationship with my SO and this video goes something like this:

    Everytime my SO asks me to take out the garbage.... and I get up immediately from whatever I'm doing  and gladly do as she asks, the positive compound effect is like a Trophic Cascade.

    From one small,  seemingly insignificant action, the net effect on her translates to the entire household,  and the harmony created within is ten fold from this one action in our little closed environment.

    Why? Because this is how GOD works. The same as introducing the wolves back into Yellowstone.

    This is just a part of my personal belief system that I believe is true.  Thought I'd share.

    J

  • Over Explaining and ADHD by: J 4 months 1 week ago

    I read some excellent articles about over explaining and ADHD; why it happens, and possible causes. This will be extremely helpful as it definitely applies to me. I can recall countless times in my life when people were trying to turn me off and I didn't know exactly why? Now I understand! 

    Just another adaptive strategy that has a self sabotaging effect. And once more, I think this is just another ingrained habit that once served a purpose but no longer serves me. Getting about breaking this habit will be my next course of action.

     

  • Resentment and Divorce - Need help! by: vienna123 4 months 1 week ago

    Hi all - im a male/44 - possible ADHD 17 years been married to a female/44 with diagnosis for ADHD.  This weekend she told me she wants a divorce and i am in crises and need help.

    We have always had a fiery relationship, much of this was to do with my own unresolved trauma from childhood things and possible Autism and ADHD. I was extremely selfish as a young man and really treated her badly, not actual abuse but definelty significiant unkindness. 

    Over the years we have had numerous blow out arguments - ones where rage is so powerful that you cant even breath.  She has left me twice over the years but then come back

    We then produced a beautiful daughter 7 years ago.

    The last time she left - i realized that much of my own issues were due to my trauma so i resolved to tackle this through professional therapy.  I have been doing this for around 18 months now.  I have made tremendous strides, i have become kind, attentive, concentrated on making connection and the last six months have been amazing, on one instance even leading to initiation of intimacy from her (never happened in previous years).  The rage arguments have larley ceased (one in last 12 months) i am better both mentally/ health wise and have developed a growth mindset.

    I love my family intensely and don't want to lose them.

    In the last 3 months i started to research the issues that ADHD had on adults.  However work got in the way and a period of heavy work travel meant i only started.

    Then this weekend she sent me an email listing that she wanted a divorce, i was floored - especially after all the work and effort.

    It was very matter of fact, she had a call with a solicitor and had been talking to friends and had written teh email some weeks prior.  The only section where she gave a reason is here:

    "Just do not love you in the way you deserve to be loved. You are perfect for someone else, you have a lot to offer and deserve to be loved and treated well, but I’m not that person, not anymore. 

    The next thing for you should be real and full of love, respect and mutual appreciation, something I can no longer offer you. I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. 
    I want you to be happy, but it’s not with me, I am confident after the initial shock that you will move on and find someone to make you smile again."

    She suspected i would be angry with her (i am not) but then closed the email.

    We then had a talk a couple of days ago about it.  I don't want to break up the family and explained the impact on our daughter and fiances, i explained that i think that a MOST of our previous argument history was due to un diagnosed and untreated ADHD.

    Now the part of significant interest ot me is this.  She admits she holds resentment to me for all the things done to her over the early period in our lives.  She is right and i was horrible - 2020 being the last of this.  When i explained that this was historic she will say that to her it feels like it happened yesterday.  She also by her own admission has a tendency to ignore all the good that i do and focus on the bad. 

    From what i have researched,  getting therapy and medication for ADHD can help with this - it will allow her to hopefully see the real me and try to resolve some of her resentment and trauma.  She suffers from noise sensitivity and distraction too.  

    I have my part to play in this too, trauma nad my own adhd need help - but i think i am more dominant Autusim than ADHD and need another 12 months i think.

    I really feel like through help she resolve the resentment but for the time being she is adamant on divorcing me.  She has moved into my dauhgters bedroom and we are still mostly a family - but it has only been 6 days.  She hasnt filed for divorce yet but wants to soon.

    I feel like on previous seperations, they were a cry for help., this time feels different.

    Would anybody have any advice for me please - i am desperate.

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