Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Numbness and apathy by: Haveaniceday 4 months 1 day ago

    I've reached such a strange point in our marriage. Husband (suspected ADHD inattentive type) still hasn't been able to get an official diagnoses as it is really difficult to get an appointment and also hasn't found a therapist as it is also difficult (although I suspect he hasn't tried consistently), so while he agrees that he has the condition, and also is trying in his own way and things are better on the surface, I'm starting to wonder if the damage is simply too big to overcome in our marriage. He is a really good human being, and I love him for his excellent character and for always trying hard, but he has major issues underlying it all and imo really needs to work with someone to tackle some of his root cause issues. After 20 years together, our issues (my childhood issues + anxiety and his issues + ADHD) have collided constantly, and caused us both a lot of hurt. Over the years I've had to distance myself to protect myself, and it's ended up where I'm basically numb, apathetic and honestly not attracted to him at all. I have virtually no romantic feelings toward him, don't really miss him much when he is away, and feel myself drifting off (again) into a more independent life. He is a good father, and the thought of divorce terrifies him, and I honestly don't feel like its possible or the right thing for our family, at least not now. 

    My question is: is it possible to reignite whatever was there 2 decades ago, WITHOUT a therapist who is helping him individually and probably a couple's therapist thereafter? Has anyone salvaged a basically platonic / parenting marriage, and been able to reconnect and have a somewhat fulfilling for both relationship? I honestly feel like it's impossible, but maybe I'm just so guarded that I can't let myself connect again out of fear for the disappointment and let-downs that are so much a part of it. I'm far from the perfect wife, but I'm exhausted beyond words, and have recently started working with external and internal boundaries to save myself from burning out and losing everything. I realize this will never lead to intimacy, but I'm honestly not sure I even want it anymore (although I fought and cried for so long to have it!). I'm so sad, neither of us deserve what this has ended up being. Any help appreciated...

  • The frustration in communication!!! >:/ by: Off the roller ... 4 months 2 days ago

    Guys, it's been one of those days...neither me or my diagnosed spouse had a good sleep, we are both under stress and he committed to plans but then changed them and did not communicate them to me. Which then led to me trying to go about the day to the plans that we made, only to find out - and have a tension filled spat in front of our son - that he changed his mind and then tried to push back and point the finger at me for my frustrations...when he won't acknowledge his role. So once again I have to pick up the pieces of his mess. And a lot of his messes I don't clean up anymore but these types affect me and our son greatly. Behaviour is a language and he's constantly telling me that he's unreliable and untrustworthy. Once I got over the inital flash of anger, I tried to repair and start again after a break & some breathing, only for him to shun me (again, all in front of our son who is incredibly receptive but learning shitty behaviour) and then speak to me in a manner that makes me feel hurt, disrespected and overall just like a pile of s**t. 

    I will acknowledge that I'm tired, crabby and the chaos of living with my spouse has taken its toll on me, and my biggest problem is that our (me too!) communication SUCKS. it has sucked from the get-go and continues to go downhill. Something has to change but I don't know what. It's so overwhelming and so easy/familiar for me to point the finger at him but I play a part too. I just don't know how to get out of this part/role in this - truly. I can face my own s**t and I can acknowledge that I'm behaving in a way that I don't like and I'm not living in my values and I'm allowing myself to be treated in a way that I don't like. 

    ...but damn...how the hell do I even START to get out of this? How do I start to change this? What have you all done? Is it an ultimatium? I'm so DONE lately and I'm tired of feeling like this but because I can't see over the hill that we have to climb, it's so scary to me to take that leap. So so so so scary. 

  • Financial Matters and Frustration by: Neuchatel81 4 months 3 days ago

    Married for 42 years to spouse who does not think he has ADHD despite all signs of same. Over the past 3 years, I have considered leaving, but I actually do love him so have tried to figure out a way to make things work. I now realize his business (self employed) has not been profitable for past 5 years, and am concerned he will be using our retirement funds to continue to support his business in future (he made other funds available to his business in 2023 to do so). He is supposed to have a "business plan" to discuss with me on July 10, but I have no confidence it will be anything but him telling me this is the way it is when you own your own business, and he has no choice but to continue as usual.

    How do I determine if I am being unfair to want a stable retirement income (I am still working), but still be supportive to spouse? I am going back to therapist this week. She has told me before that I must ensure my own financial safety, but how to do it when spouse sees no problem in spending to meet what he feels is appropriate without a word to partner? We have previously had mutual agreements, but those go by the wayside when he wants something, or he forgets to inform me.

    I have funds set aside to ensure my own retirement, but if he spends all "his" money, I am unable to pay for him too.  I feel stuck and very anxious.

  • Clarity by: Catterfly 4 months 4 days ago

    Hi all,

    I've been reading through the forums, almost incessantly and way into back years, as I'm sure many of you have also done as you try to process everything that is happening.  Im

    so thankful for all of your collective wisdom.

    I'm a non ADHD spouse, and one thing that's been nagging at me as I read is, how much of these common issues would happen in a non neurodivergent marriage?  In other words, is it something I need to work on, regardless of partner?

    I finally realized that I have some non-negotiables for a partnership, regardless of neuro status:

    1) He has to stand up for me and have my back.  He doesn't.  Ever.

    2) He needs to care about me.  Meaning, show some sympathy or compassion if I'm really really sick.  Or, give me a hug if I'm really really sad.  He doesn't.  Ever.  In fact he's left me to die - and he's left me while my child was dying.

    3) Collaborate with me to meet challenges that life presents.  He can't.  Ever.  No matter what topic I bring up, no matter how inertly, his rejection sensitivity kicks in and he flies into a rage.  Then starts blaming, deflecting, denying. 
     

    What else matters?  We're 0 for 3.

    Are you experiencing the same?  Any insights on how to get him to see that he's essentially negligent in our marriage?

    I think mostly I'm recording this for posterity, as I move through all the emotions.  On the side I'm looking up rental apartments in my area. :(

  • Husband and I Disagree about what "fun money" should be used for by: Rouge77 4 months 5 days ago

    My husband and I have had the same system for our finances for about ten years now.  We put all of our income into our joint checking account and each week an allowance of $30.00 is transferred to our own personal checking accounts.  This becomes our personal money that we can spend on whatever we want without question.  My husband just received two bonuses through his job, one for several hundred dollars and one for a couple thousand dollars.  I already knew about the one that's a couple hundred dollars and I agreed that that bonus could go to him personally because it was for work that he did outside of his job.  Today he came to be about the one that is a couple thousand.  He said that he wanted to use some of it to get some new clothes.  I told him that I remembered him saying that he really needed a new phone, so I'd be OK with him using some of that money to get a new phone, but I'm not OK with him spending the money on new clothes.  He's unhappy with me because of this.  He said that he thinks that his "fun money" should be used for things that he wants to by.  He says that he doesn't want to buy clothes, but since his clothes are wearing out and they don't fit anymore that he needs to buy new clothes and since it's a "need" then he shouldn't have to use his personal money for that.  I told him that in my opinion, there's too much variety when it comes to buying clothes for that money to come out of our joint budget.  I said that he could buy clothes at the thrift store or wait around for big sales in the off season to buy clothes.  He could also use 60 of his 120 dollars that he gets a month to buy an item to two (or several depending on how he chooses to purchase them) and still have 60 dollars left over!  

    To me this is an issue of financial responsibility and a lesson in planning rather than an issue of needing something that he can't afford.  But the problem is that we don't agree and he thinks that it's just me who thinks this way and that means that I'm controlling the finances and keeping him from spending money that he thinks he has the right to spend.  I'd say this comes up about twice a year (when he notices that he doesn't have much to wear) but his actions don't change and he finds himself in this pickle again and again

    Any help that can be offered in navigating this situation would be appreciated!  We just started seeing a couples counselor to help with our communication, so I'm planning to bring this up there too. 

     

    If it helps my husband has been diagnosed with adhd and currently takes a non-stimulant medication. 

  • What's the best response when your ADHD Spouse uses ADHD as an excuse? by: ADHDSpouse91202 4 months 6 days ago

    Does anyone have a good response for when your ADHD Spouse uses having ADHD as an excuse?

    My spouse and I are in the middle of buying a house. They were upset with me because I left a blank document that needed to be filled out at work for a day even though she takes much longer than that and needs me to remind them of basic things like getting paystubs and submitting expense reimbursements routinely and regularly and then uses ADHD as an excuse.

  • How do you breathe in between the chaos?! by: Peacefull111 4 months 6 days ago
  • As an ADD/ADHD person how would you react on verbal misbehaviour? by: bnslr 4 months 1 week ago

    Hey everyone.
    Got diagnosed beginning of 2024, and now in my late 30's.

    How would you react or what do you feel when your spouse tells you to grow some balls, to grow up or even to say to you you know what. I will go **** (edited) somebody else just so you can feel the loneliness and the emotional abuse you caused me throughout these two years of being together.

    It was actually her that spotted some things that were related to ADHD and damn was she right on this :)
    I **** (edited) it up a couple of times and things got heated. I always keep calm but it's hard to talk in general about feelings and how I feel, emotionally.
    When I'm pushed i'm pushing away and my focus goes way elsewhere. It's already a long story and I'm glad that I'm learning about all this. But I still have a very long way to go.

    When I'm getting belittled for example. I keep calm for a very long way. I try to tell that it's not like this, or that I don't felt it this way. That's not what I meant etc etc.
    Well this gets my spouse so angry as for also today, that she starts to belittle me, shame me, play with my weak spots and damn it hurts so so so much.
    When I was young when things weren't working as I wanted even if it was a stupid video game I could burst into anger and destroy "things" as I would never ever ever hurt a person or an animal :(

    Today she got me again SO far that I ruined our cooling fan. And oke. I fixed it :)
    But today I'm in a moment where I will not go on with this and that it's better to stay alone. From anyone actually, and there's the shame of my hyperfocusses from weekends as i'm going "pfff" again through a stress and burnout stage from my work that is not giving me the joy or dopamine anymore (after only one year)

    I'm fed up with myself and my environment.

    What's your cup of tea guys and gals?

  • I suspect my husband has ADD but he is in denial by: scoullard@outlo... 4 months 1 week ago

    Does anyone have any advice on how I can help my husband see the ADD signs that I can see he displays? We have a 19 year old son who was diagnosed ADHD when he was 5 (so I understand ADHD challenges). My husband had no issues excepting our son's diagnosis. But when I bring up the topic that he may have it too, he brushes it off as a non-issue. I believe it is the reason for several of our marital issues like, arguing & financial problems. He has a business but hasn't been paid in a year because of poor decisions years ago.  We have had issues for years and now I am fighting off anger and resentment towards him daily. Not sure how much more I can take. Relationships require work and I feel like I'm the only one working at it. I could really use some advise from those who can relate to my situation. Thanks

  • Having the trifecta:- depression + anxiety + ADHD...how to cope? by: Off the roller ... 4 months 1 week ago

    hey all, my spouse (recently dx ADHD last year) is really struggling and I find myself getting more and more frustrated with him. He has anxiety, depression (the chronic, hardcore kind) and ADHD. His brain spins out all day, every day. He's addicted to his devices. He doesn't exercise and he doesn't eat right and he doesn't look after himself. Most days I can't believe that his body allows him to function.   Every day for our house is ruled by his emotions and feelings and whichever of his challenges wants to rear its head that particular day. And its a crap shoot for the rest of us living in the house too. A real gamble and to be honest, feels like neither me or my son can actually be able to have feelings, a good day, bad day, etc because we just don't know how my husband will present each day. 

    One day, it's his ADHD that rears up and we have to pay the 'ADHD tax' and I find myself frustrated as its an avoidable thing, but he doesn't want to see it. And then the next day, he will wake up, seem to be engaged and coherant..only to be triggered by something and he's back in the bed for the rest of the day or a few hours...and we all have to tip-toe, work around and make conncessions for him every day, every hour. he promises something one evening, and when I ask about it the next day, he will state 'I was only talking outloud'. Doesn't committ to anything. literally anything. 

    But with it all and its frustrations.... I find myself really sad for him and pity-ing him and that's not a great place to be for us as you might know.  His depression is horrific to experience. I'm sure it is horrific and horrible for him to have, but I am impacted by it too (as is my son) and this way of living is not something I wish to continue much longer and making plans to see what my options are. But he literally can not. get. out. of. bed. And he says how he doesn't feel like it, he's tired, he's sore, etc....and there comes a point when I think you have to put two feet in front of each other and get the f**k up and trudge on and do that the next day and the next. And to be honest, if you aren't living life and aren't able to actually FUNCTION at all any day or any point... then there needs to be an intervention and help. 

    I guess my biggest wonder is: what can I do (if anything) to support him besides just living my own life and trying to live in my values/boundaries (which he constantly ignores because he's struggling so much he asks for help on so many things...every day...every hour). I mean, I feel like I'm living in a life sucking vortext and trying not to get dragged down. I don't want to tell him what to do but there is SO MUCH HELP AVAILABLE and it's incredibly frustrating to see him struggling and making his - and our - lives so much harder than what they need to be. And if I'm really being honest: I've been his caregiver, nurse and mother for far longer than I expected and signed up for. It sucks. 

     

    ......now that's i've typed that out... I can also see and ask myself what my ROLE is in it and I do believe I have enabled him greatly and I'm angry at myself for that too. But it's so freaking hard to untagle the enmeshment that we've built up. 

    HELP! 

     

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