I'm not sure that I am asking for help as much as looking for someplace to talk a little. My husband was diagnosed with ADD as a child, but never medicated. I understand that it doesn't go away but often people learn to cope better as they get older. My husband is 46 and we've been married for 20 years. We've had a good marriage for the most part, but the lying issues pop up once a year or so and squash the trust that has been built back up. I should also add that he had been a smoker since he was 13 and just quit 2 years ago. It must have acted like a stimulant to him, because he's been more unfocussed since he quit.

He is a good person, a great dad who is involved and active in our kids lives and is also a caretaker of sorts for me. I am disabled with MS. I don't require any physical care, but am not able to drive or do many of the things that I used to do. I still manage to keep up with as much as possible. I understand that he needs to get away for some time to himself, so I cut him slack when he signs on to manage our oldest's hockey team, joins the hockey executive as well, joins Rotary, a wildlife fundraising group, says yes to MCing for several different charity dinners, a community foundation, and is a liason for a couple of other committees. Oh, and there is the curling and baseball teams that he played on. I get that he needs to feel busy and involved. Even when it turns out to be 5-6 nights a week. I find it difficult to get it, but I do. Twenty years have accustomed me to it.

It's the lying that I don't understand. I know that he does it to avoid any kind of confrontation or negative response, and I know that I miss (and more often, ignore) most of the lies, but why doesn't he see that the problem is so much worse when the lie is discovered? It seems like every time I am feeling good about life and our marriage some lie comes up and ruins it.

This one started with me asking what a withdrawal for a over a couple thousand dollars was for. He said that it was for a surprise that he couldn't tell me about yet. And eventually told me that it was for a trip he was planning for us. That was a couple of months ago. A few days ago he told me that a friend had booked a hunting trip with another friend who couldn't go and had offered him the other spot for free. This is a 4 day hunting trip in another province for a guided hunt, plane tickets and accomodation. I knew right away that the free trip was a lie and it was what the withdrawal was about a couple of months earlier. I told him that I didnt believe that the trip was a free opportunity, but said go ahead. And so he left two days later. He is still away.

With some thought, I realized that not only was there never a holiday for us, but if he had told me earlier, I wouldnt have had to cancel an appointment that I had made two months ago to be evaluated for hand controls for my car. I have to have another driver with me for the 3 hour evaluation and he had agreed to it (after he apparently had booked his trip). I now have to wait another couple of months for another appointment and I have to pay $100 for cancelling only 24 hours ahead of time. I havent been able to drive for two years and had been looking forward to getting some independence back.

I am so disappointed and I've lost more respect for him. We've been through a lot over the years, including an infidelity on his part, but got past it. I know that I will get past this as well, but I am starting to lose respect for myself. Actually, not starting. I'm pretty much there.

I also don't want to shame him and make it worse. I'm not even sure how to deal with it at all when he gets home. I'm not sure that there is any value in telling him that I know the whole story or if I should just let it go. I used to think I had a point that would just be too much, but apparently I don't. I just keep taking it.

During other discussions with him, when previous lies were uncovered, I had asked that we try counseling if it happened again, but that was a few lies ago. I don't think I would convince him to see anyone. But I might consider going to a therapist on my own.

Hey all,

live been reading the posts and support with interest and empathy...and honestly a lot of confusion.  

My my wife and I have been together since high school and, looking back, I had all the symptoms back then.  The difference was, I pursued my passions and managed to do very well.  Well...not grade-wise (until grad school), but I did enough to earn grades that did t bother me and spent my time surprising my girlfriend or playing in one of several instruments in several ensembles.  My passion then, as it is now, is to play music for people.  Not as a career, but as a pursuit.

Once we were married, my rehearsal schedule began to irritate my wife.  Which she STILL mentions.  So I stopped playing because it seemed important to her and I was low on free time anyway.

It was my choice and I didn't resent her for it.

15 years later, several published articles, and a well-paying job that took me around the world and I rediscovered my passion.  Just jamming around the campfire with the neighbor, maybe a few hours a week across the street.

She began to tell me that I was abandoning her by nit sitting next to her arid the fire, that I was neglecting my family, that I was beig selfish.

This time I dug in.  I exp,Agnes that I NEEDED that part of my life and would compromise, but not quit.

And I got angry and resentful and depressed because every joy that came with playing was preceded and followed by spite, insults, and cold shoulders.

Obviously this kind of interaction wasn't restricted to music...I didn't load the dishwasher right, my desk in my closed-door office was always a mess, I did t help the kids with their homework the right way...you name it.  All the while (and still) I make sure to compliment her on what she's does every single day.  I remember every anniversary and birthday (unreciprocated) and ask her with genuine interest how her work day was when she gets home.  I honestly couldn't tell you the last time she asked me how my day went...which is okay, but my response would likely be fo.lowed by suggestions for improvement that match her personality perfectly but have no meaning to me whatsoever.

She began to insist that I was depressed and needed medication.  She begged me to understand that if I WAS depressed, it woke be impossible ft me to recognize it.  So I did.  

And THAT'S when it all fell apart.  The antidepressants resulted first in anhedonia (lack of joy...although quieter, I was told I was at least leads grumpy), sleeplessness, and weight gain.  So I switched.  And switched again, and again, and again until all of the fabric of my life and spirit that I had been weaving since the day I could make an independent decision began to unravel.  I couldn't put them back together because I felt trapped by my previous acquiescence to what was clearly narcissistic and abusive (though not intentional) treatment from my wife.  

Until 5 years ago, I would always just accept the blame and try to make SOME improvement...but her expectations were not only unreasonable, they failed to take into account t that I was an individual person with feelings, preferences, passions and proclivities of my own that were completely different from hers.  I always used to try and get her to agree that we were a perfect match because we balanced each other so well...but she never did.

Then I changed jobs for a director level position in a local company so I could spend more time with my two sons and wife.

Well..,being around more meant more irritation, more messes to point out...more scorn and frustration from her.  I begged her just to act like she LIKED me.  She insulted my intellect n front of my kids because I didn't have structured study habits...eventually she disallowed me from helping the kids with homework.  I shrunk deeper inside myself.

I found myself taking time off work to ferry the kids to and from school so she could focus in housework before going to her part time job.  I lacked the confidence to tell her it wasn't a reasonable division of priorities.  

And then I started getting calls at the office, questioning $10 purchases from our joint checking account.  I asked her to stop so many times I lost chant and eventually gave up, because every time I'd say how much it hurt my feelings, she'd point out that since she managed our money, it was her prerogative.

So I started hiding money.  And when I got really low, I spent it on whiskey so I could sleep.  Those things are NOT her fault, they were clearly MY decisions.  I justified it then by telling myself that at least I was MAKING a decision without being questioned.

The decision. I SHOULD have made was to divorce.  She ended up hating every counselor we saw.

But i loved our home, my kids, our musical neighborhood and we'd been together more than half our lives!  I couldn't give up on that.

The arguing got worse, she started texting and calling me at work.  I just couldn't perform as needed and I got fired.

Then I REALLY started drinking.  And soon a DUI followed (my first ticket EVER).

I had just given her every justification she ever though she had...by this time I was weak, lazy, unmotivated, uninterested, and unemployed while SHE worked hard full time to support us (the ten years I logged 6 figure airline miles so she could stay home with the kids were a JOINT decision) I stopped reading books, listening to music, arguing politics or philosophy with friends...I gave up.

I eventually landed a job out of state as a university supervisor and sent 80% of my monthly net to her for the house and kids.  I wasunsurprisingly not reappointed due to being late to too many appointments (it ain't easy to ride a bike 10 miles in snow...my license was suspended).  So I moved home.  Back to an even more toxic environment than I'd left since she pointed out several times she didn't need me around to get by.

I went back to that.  After spending a year remembering who I was and why I used to love life.

She has spent her evenings looking up open jobs for me...it's her way of being supportive.  She asked to see the drafts of the cover letters I wrote for them.  The first drafts.  I asked her to skip the small stuff and tell me if the tone was right.  I invited her thoughts.

She thought the FUCKING FONT WAS WTING AND DIDN'T LIKE THE FACT THAT I LISTED ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  SHE JEOT VERBALLY POINTING OUT THE FORMATTING ERRORS AND THE GODDAMNED MARGIN WIDTH.

I took deep breaths, I thanked her for her suggestions and asked her, respectfully, she thought a hiring manager might look for in a cover letter.

She kept complaining about me overusing lists and then threw up her hands when I told her I wasn't concerned about something spell-check would catch.  And I made my decision.

I've been sober a year and happy for most of it.  I hurt for her because I know that her externalizing behaviors are deep,y rooted in paralyzingly insecurity.  She expresses love, I think...but she only expresses a love of me for what I used to provide her.  Now that's gone...

So...anyone have any words of wisdom for leaving without your kids feeling abandoned?  Or just getting up the guts to do it?

I think my spouse has something going on...   I married him knowing he was 'high strung'..  I'm calm and go with the flow so it really didn't matter--- maybe opposites attract.  Now 16 years and 3 kids later I'm at my wits end.   He cannot relax, always asks random questions, says random things, gets annoyed when I speak my mind/truth (he wants me to side with him), cannot emotionally/empathize with me, he tends to 'move around a bit' which makes me nervous..  Basically he can't sit still-- figits..  I like to sit outside or a restaurant and talk some---  he can't; he is also always in a rush which I can't stand.  He will gobble his food down and leave the room. Yes, he is my husband so I want him with me and do things BUT in the same token I can't stand his nervousness and it makes me stressed!!!  There has been a few times where I hear the garage door open (him coming home) and I cringed with stress all over!!

He does well at his job and he has helped with the kids as long as I told him what needs to be done with them.  We pay our bills on time and have a savings.  BUT he is very anal about money..  Always has to have a coupon, gets points and such on gas/food/ and credit cards..  I know how to save money and use coupons myself BUT this guy is over the top control like it's all he talks about is buying things at cheap prices and such..  Yes, I'm proud of him and how he does this but it's the only hobby he has..  I've asked to help out with cooking and he has no interest.. yet I get the third degree when I go food shopping or when any bill comes in.

He also seems restless when sleeping and has been waking me up also which I don't like.  He has always had poor sleeping habits but NOW I'm waking up because he is moving too much or him going to the couch to sleep. I need my sleep!!!  After we were married I did send him to the Dr and he went because I was very upset over this--  He seemed more nervous and picking his hands; also not sleeping well.  The Dr did give him Paxil but he didn't take it that long and complained about how he felt.  The last year I have asked him to go see a Dr and he says he doesn't have a problem but I do!!  So I signed us up for therapy--  we went once and he didn't like it.   So now what do I do??   I don't think I can live with a 'nervous nelly' anymore.  I just called for individual counseling for me--  I need to know if it's me..  I know I married him like this BUT I think whatever it is it's gotten worse.

He does get angry and yell but I give it right back and tell him 'this is abuse'.  He is controlling at certain times, has to butt in on conversations (whenever he is around) and like I said before mumbles to himself.   He's not  patient about anything and drives too fast all the time!!  My kids rely on me for comfort and such. Can someone tell me WHY I'm with him??  I do feel resentment and my gut it telling me to leave..    I do get out with friends so I can relax and enjoy a good meal-- we usually talk for a couple hours.  I also try to get to the movies every now and then with a friend..  Yes, I'm trying to get out and 'be normal' but I still hate the fact of what I have to go through with spouse!!!  I get jealous of other couples and what on facebook and such...   So even if couples therapy doesn't happen at least I can vent through individual counseling..  Even though we have insurance, he will freak-out about the co-pay and tell me that I'm OK and I don't need to go anymore..  UGH  Same thing with the dentist-- I'm always afraid that there will be extra costs which means I have to listen to him badgering me about why I need this....   Thanks for reading-- I needed to be heard.
 

My husband and I have been married seven years this November 2015, we have two small children. I have always worked full time and paid for the majority. My husband has a long history of securing work, being promoted, getting fired. The reasons are always the same, he has had professional coaches, therapists, my support (I am also a therapist), and countless other interventions. The outcome remains the same because of some deep issues he is not ready to resolve around confidence, vulnerbility, work ethic etc. in addition to his ADD symptoms such as highly distracted, disorganized, and lacks follow through. Recently I started to really look at our finances, which I have been in charge of and are completely out of control. I make enough money to support myself and our children, but I can not support my husband too. My husband does work part time and makes enough money to cover health insurance for the family, half of the mortgage, utility, childcare, and credit card debt. He does not make enough money to pay his student loans, for food, gasoline, car repairs or insurance, clothing, incidentals, or his cell phone. I am growing more and more resentful paying for him while he stays home and works part time at a low paying job. I have met with financial counselors, cut every single luxury cost, and done my own budgeting for many years sucessfully prior to marriage and always managed to save and have great credit. The simple fact is I do not make enough to support him and pay formyself and the kids. I have decied to stop paying for him and have him pay for his own phone, student loans, etc. When I do the budget with him being responsible for expenses directly related to himself I then have a surplus of thousands of dollars each month that I can then use to pay down our debt (we no longer are accruing debt but the fees are growing fast) much for aggressively and finally pay for other things we need to address (like squirrels in our attic!). He is angry at me, blames me, and feels I am runing his life. He does not argue that it has been hard for me, but clearly does not understand just how hard I have worked to support him and our kids. I feel this my only remaining strategy. My question is - have any of you ever separated your finances and been successful financially as well as emotionally/psychologically? Have you ever used this strategy and seen any relief for yourself? I feel so angry, resentful, hurt, and decieved that I need something to change to stop drowning. Our relationship is not in good condition, even though we still seem to manage to connect in some ways at times - but less and less frequently because the dynamics of me as the caretaker-him as the child are taking over.