Hi,

my partner and I have been together for 3 years, we have been through meth addiction (him) and come out the other side in the beginning, it was about 12 months ago I was still having issues with him saying things and not doing them and some were little and some were big, I was constantly feeling not respected, loved etc.    I was speaking to his mother one day telling her all my woes when she blurted " maybe he is ADHD" this didn't mean much to me at the time, however I went away and did some googling, and read stories that sounded so much like my life, I sent some of the links to my partner and be too recognised these things in himself, he was amazed.

this is where I made my biggest mistake, I didn't push him to see a doctor and get a real diagnosis and treatment, and here I am after 10 great months, having just found out a few days ago, that he took $6500 out of our loan account for renovations for cocaine,  he works away 8 weeks on 4 off, this is why I didn't notice, he was away, he was faced with no job, and some where in his disfunctional brain he decided taking cocaine would help him perform better and secure a new contract, but it obviously got out of control.  

I didnt notice the money, as sadly for me 3 weeks prior to him using, he proposed to me, and financed the ring, I asked him to pay it off from the loan account so there was only one debt, and that's why he was able to go 8 weeks with out me noticing, it was only that my intuition told me I needed to look at the accounts that I noticed.

now I am a mess and he's having a pity party.

he is aware he needs help and I am going to make sure he sees a doctor and gets a refferal to a psyc.

i guess what I want to know is if mesdicated, he can't have stimulant meds, he has a heart condition and clearly sufferers with drugs use problems,  but I am wondering how much the medication actually helps?

Will I always feel like he is emotionally retarded? Will I have to live my life always feeling like I am on edge, and expecting to be disappointed? 

I accept that he may have this and things will never be 'perfect' 

but just silly stuff like rushing to buy me gifts that I hate and having to pretend to like them? The broken promises and tendency to lies, does it ever get better or can I expect my life to be a constant battle?

Needless to say the lies about drugs and the money going toward my ring, I have taken the ring off and no longer can look at it, as it just is a big fat drug,lie horrid thing to me now.

these are all things he doesn't seem to 'get' how now that ring is just horrible to me cause he used it as a lie! 

More than frustrated, any advice, info appreciated. 

Okay, so I really don't have time to be on the internet right now (because the world would stop breathing if I forgot to remind it to), and nothing upsets me more than people who spend hours on the internet when they have plenty of grownup things to do (okay, maybe a few things upset me more, but that's up there).  I have never felt such a pull to join an online community before, though, so I'd like to offer a big hello.  I just read ADHD and Marriage last night... couldn't put it down, though tears were streaming down my cheeks throughout most of it.  I'm sure I will vent further details eventually, but by way of introduction, I have been married for 15 years to a man who spent his childhood on Ritalin and ditched it (and a belief in ADHD) the first chance he got when he was out of school.  We have three daughters who I worry about every day, knowing that over the years I have inadvertantly taught them what it is "okay" to put up with in a marriage.  I almost feel like I have an obligation to leave, just so they have a better chance at healthy relationships in their own lives.  Yet -- here I am. 

We've had a very interesting past six months or so, and I was definitely ripe to run across this book (and community) when I did. 

We've known about the ADHD for several months now.  His biggest attempt in the matter is to "try harder" "do better" and "not treat me this way".  But as a result, we wrap around to the same issues, the same destructive patterns and the same hurt and painful feelings.  How much longer do I hold on?  What options do I have?  We are in the midst of rock bottom once again.  I am raw with hurt and pain from neglect, abandonment, broken promises and being taken for granted moment after moment that I can see leaving as the only alternative.  I do see the pain in his eyes.  I see that he is hurting too, that perhaps he is "trying his best" but is just spinning his wheels.  I have been kind.  I have been patient.  I have been hopeful.  But I can't force the medication, the counseling or the treatment.  It's lonely, it's just shy of abusive and I am not seeing a way to "calm down" and work this time through.  The hopelessness is overwhelming and I feel at this time I would be much less lonely if I were alone, rather than in a roommate situation.

Has anyone been this far down, and come back up again - when you aren't in control of the ADHD and their behavior, treatment or otherwise?  Any suggestions would be helpful.

I have ADHD and General Anxiety Disorder. I have had to learn so much about these disorders just recently as no one properly educated me nor did I receive counseling for these when entering high school. Only now ten years after high school do I feel fully informed. Thank you to Melissa Orlov books as well as other materials I have studied. Unfortunately, I went off medication because I was doing so well in graduate school, so thought I did not need meds anymore for ADHD. Also went of the  meds for Anxiety because I had thought that with not taking the adderal it was not necessary anymore (supposed to take the edge off adderal). I did very well in graduate school getting a 3.9GPA at a very good school. But in reading information I likely did well because what I was doing was of huge interest to me. Previously in school I had to work much harder and in middle school for example I could not even play sports due to low GPA. The school would not alow me to. But once on meds I eventually got into National Honor Society in high school as well as in college. I had some good friends, a job, a boyfriend so eventually one day my mom and I thought it could be alright to go off the medication. Then things kind of turned and it has taken me now to see the issues that have risen. I was very irattible at times, would make difficulties out of nothing etc. So fast forward to current life. One year into my marriage I am headed for divorce at the age of 28 and my husband 33.

I did not know ADHD iwas so largely also a behavioral disorder, nor do I think 90% of people know. If you have ADHD please read Melissa Orlov books. If I had only read these books to learn about how ADHD affects relationships before I met my husband. If I knew this I would have never went off medication. Also in learning more about GAD I realize that a big reason I probably was diagnosed with this is that my father died before me turning 4. Of course I was having issues with worrying and being up tight. Those who encounter this are more likely to be diagnosed, due to early trauma and blaming themselves for why that person went away (they do not understand the concept of death at that point in life). I should have never gone off medication, but the psychologist did not do a good job at explaining these diagnosis to me. Looking back at my marital problems it was a lot due to that I would constantly be in protection mode of myself. It did not help that as a child my mother had been through three divorces by the time I was 18 and never got counseling for me. I had a hard time opening up and relaxing even when things were going well in my marriage. I always have kept my friend commitments few and far as that is how I feel most comfortable, confiding in a few close friends. In my marriage and while dating my husband I always felt on edge as if something bad was about to happen. Of course there was a lot of jelousy as well, again to protect myself from danger and to feel that this was beneficial to me. My husband is a succesful man, who is kind, honest and loving. He would have done anything for me.

Now he says I have turned his love to hate. He says he got a hateful wife. That why should he care about my feelings if I did not care about his. It breaks my heart, it really does. If only he had the means to sypathize. When summer was approaching I was switching positions at my school (not prefered), his father was visiting from Europe for a month (in whom I do not know well and does not speak english), my husband just got a new job an hour away from our home after three months of beign laid off and then the day hit I got a text saying my grandmother had cancer. I got irratable that my husband had not checked in on me after learning the health information and I got irate. I texted him that I was very upset, that I didn't want to do anything with him over the weekend etc., he called me a pathetic little girl and then I texted him to move out, of course not meaning it. Then he came home, packed up and moved to Orlando with his dad tagging along. I have never been so embarrased and of course him as well. Just a few days earlier we were enjoying dinner with his father, going shopping, being intimate etc. Although yes there was stress at times. But he had said mean words to me when I was upset that he wasn't checking in on me and that is when I took things to the next level. I was crying and begging him not to go. I brought them breakfast at the hotel they stayed in the night before and flowers. I did not mean this to happen. He is not one to express his own feelings well though and has bottled things up. Yes, he would tell me to stop things before and go for a walk etc. But as a person with ADHD I have intense emotion, so I guess I did not take him seriously as bad as that sounds. He never mentioned he would ever leave, ask for divorce and never suggested counseling in the past. He always told me he loved me, made me breakfast every morning and held the dog to wave goodbye to me as I left for work. If we got in confrontations I would say hurtful things but passively such as why don't you move out or divorce me (of course I cried after saying them and apologized and did not mean these things).

I had just bought our home and we got a dog two months before separating. I wanted and still want everything with this man. I do not want to believe his words that he says to me now or that he has no love for me. If he could truely believe that my actiions were due to not being on medication and  due to me feeling vulnerable and nervous due to past experiences. I am a counselor myself so believe in counseling, unfortunately my husband will not go with me. So I go to my own counselor. He got his own counselor who is from Europe like him and she is supposedly saying I took advantage of his emotions because he needed a green card. This is far from the truth. My husband and I met in the U.S. while he was here on a work visa and at any point I was also aware he could continue on a work visa. But he is agreeing with anything that suggests I was trying to hurt him. In addition she has told him I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which is not true. I have my own set of healthcare professionals and they are astonished someone who does not even know me has made such accusations. So of course he believes her. How would I be allowed to volunteer for the court system and be a school counselor if I had borderline...not that it couldn't happen...however I have not been diagnosed with this and it is highly unlikely that I would be. People close to me also disagree. So America still needs good psychological professionals, not all are out there making lives better. He has filled for divorce and wants me to pay his court costs. He had the papers delivered to my school and now my principal knows, this is mortifying. 

He came from a unified home with his mother and father. His mother died, but when he was in his 20's, so psychologically we had different experiences. He says me educating him on ADHD and GAD makes him even more angry. He says I have emotionally abused him and he will never forget it. That why after reading the book should he just accept this because we are married now. Although I briefly mentioned at dinner before marriage I had been on ADD medication in the past. It somehow just came up, but again I was not on medication anymore for years. He feels I was hiding things from him and that he had a right to know before marriage and that I took his rights away from him. He says I have effected his whole life and he doesn't even know if he ever wants to be married or have children after leaving me. He says why should he forgive me even if it is not my fault. I have read books the entire summer highlighting and sending them to him along with articles. I have begged for forgiveness. He says that he does not love me anymore and I am aa totally different person what when he met me. That I was being on my best behavior so he would marry me. I was in no need to get married to be really honest. I was 26 when I met him and 27 when we married. If we didn't get married I still and do still have time to settle down.  He says that I need to get things straight before being a mother. He says that medication doesn't help people and it does not change my cognitive state and ability to reason with others perspectives. My job is understanding people's perspectives! That people don't change and go back to what they did before because that is where they are comfortable. He says I will still get mad about everything in my head. He says it breaks his heart that he cannot recieve respect and kindness as he gives.

However, he has not even been around me a single full day while I have been on medication the past four months. This is his decision as he has stated he never wants to see me again. That I cannot let people be in their value. He says I handle conflicts as a child. Non the less he is being very non-supportive and to me this seems very harmful in the choice of words. His family only hears his side and of course believes in his perspective. Although I was not on medication for four years before meeting him and thought I was doing fine. But the key here is intimate relationships. He is my first husband and the first man I have ever lived with. I was in a 5 1/2 year relationship before but with my college sweetheart and 2 years of that was long distance. My husband and I  also got married only after one year of dating, so it went very fast. Which can also be stressful especially for someone with ADD. Also too much change even when good can be stressful, he doesn't see that. He thinks if they are fun or good things how could they possibly bring discomfort. He is unable to see things from my perspective. He is an IT Manager for a very sought out company and when talking to others they feel he may see things very black and white. He is moving away from our Florida home and moving all the way to California. I feel like he is treating me like a criminal....do I really deserve this harsh punishment? Leaving me with this home I bought for us to take care of myself along with the bills. He tells me I am not in tune with reality. He says I am ignorant and that he doesn't understand why I feel he is obligated to love me even though I have not said he is. He has never treated me this way ever while we were together besides since we seperated and it is scary. I believe he is seeing this certain counselor as up to three times a week. I have showed up knocking on his apartment door once knowing he was home and he refuses to answer. I drive an hour and let him know I am in the area if he wants to get coffee...no reply. He replied once saying he was extreemly nervouse of even the thought of it. He will not return texts or calls and does not initiate any with me. He has told me to not contact his friends or family. He has had problems with erectile dysfuntion in the past and now blames it on me. Even though he openly discussed this with me weeks upon dating. He has told family and friends I gave him a "health condition". In truth when we had some arguments in the past due to him not addressing issues. On average we would have sex once a week, which is low for our age. However there had been times where we did not for three weeks and this was before marriage. Or he would try and it was not successful. 

He also does not reply to emails in general unless they have to do with the divorce. It has only been three and a half months (almost 4) of separation so of course I still am putting fourth effort in saving our marriage. Although I feel highly hurt and crushed by his inability to empatsize. I have begged him to go to retreats and that I would pay for them..no response.  I told him I never wanted a divorce and I meant it. He has only put me down since me being back on medication (which is the first time being on medication in our relationship). My friends are very upset that he is not even trying to suport me in getting help. He has not comended me or anything. He has stated he cannot be my friend nor partner and that this is something I have to do on my own. That I have to "love myself" before anyone else can love me. I do love myself! I am proud of myself! I really do not understand him. I even took an anger management class although it was not really necessary. We focused on alot of budhist principles which I appriciated and am highly interested in.  I do not call people names, touch them, keep them hostage, nor yell or throw things so on and so fourth. When I say things they are passive or through text, not highly confrontational just not appropriate. He wants nothing to do with me. So now being 28 I have experienced almost a total of 4 divorces between my mother and myself. To say the least I never want to get married again. This seems like a horrible dream, I could have never seen him giving me such a cold sholder. He has seen me cry histarically throughout our relationship and so I do not get where he wouldn't be happy I am addressing things. I am very much a commitment person, but cannot handle the disappointment anymore. I don't want to look back on my life and think I gave it to a person just to see them throw my heart away. Sometimes the ones with the strongest wings fly solo...I guess :(