Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • ADHD spouse's anger affecting child by: feelingtrapped 9 years 2 weeks ago

    My partner was diagnosed with ADHD before we met 14 years ago.  He takes Adderall 90 mg/day.  He is abusing the Adderall -- taking more than the prescribed dosage.  Two months ago, he admitted to running out 4 days before he could get his prescription filled.  He only admitted this after I asked him if he'd run out (it was apparent to me that something was wrong).  After that, we agreed that I would dole out the meds to him daily.  This worked for the first month.  A few days ago, I discovered that he got into the meds where I had hid them and is now going to be three days short this month.  I talked with him about discussing this with his psychiatrist.  He said he did not give me permission to do that, that he would not tell his prescriber, and if I did, he would just stop taking the meds.  He is an alcoholic, sober for over 15 years, and has gone back to AA at my urging.

    In addition to and more troubling than the Adderall abuse is my partner's temper.  Fortunately, I guess, his anger is usually not directed at our 7-year-old son or myself.  Usually it is directed at the computer, his smartphone, or some other inanimate object that his frustrating him.  However, my son and I can't help but hear his loud and frequent rants.  The angry sounds and energy fill our apartment.  And often, they spill over into how he interacts with us.  He minimizes this behavior, calling it “muttering,” and says I am being oversensitive and controlling.  He gets angry if either our son or I communicate to him that he is scaring us.

    To make matters more complex, we are homeschooling our son.  My partner, who is mostly retired, is the one who stays home with him.  Today, after my partner became very aggravated looking for library books that were overdue, my son told me he didn't want to go with his dad to his activities this afternoon, but didn't feel brave enough to tell him.  I told my partner and am now responsible for taking my son.  This is a joy, but cuts into my work time, which is stressful since I have my own business and am the primary breadwinner.  

    My partner recently agreed to go to couples counseling, which we have tried twice before with very limited success. (I realize the fact that we are still together might suggest the couples counseling was quite successful, but we really worked out things ourselves, temporarily.)  I am in the process of looking for a therapist.  But my partner seems to be increasingly angry and I am becoming quite concerned about the effect this is having on our son.  I would be grateful for suggestions, as I am feeling very stuck and distressed.  Thank you.

  • Anger that makes your hands cold.... by: Anonymous (not verified) 9 years 2 weeks ago

    I am so angry right now and I am not an angry person. Just need to vent. Backstory: I left my ADHD husband due to temper in April. He didn't chase me, made me pay for it, didn't look for me just "woe is me, who did you tell" arrogance. Anyway, I came back and things have slowly been better with his temper although he is still neglectful and everything else that ADHD'ers do. I have grown and am dealing. 25th anniversary sucked but that was also payback for me leaving. Anyway, my sister had to kick her 18 yr old daughter out and has been a mess today. He has known her since she was 12 and its 25 yrs later. She is my best friend. My husband and I were having a nice day chatting on gmail and I simply asked him, as a human and comforter of all people in distress that he is as a charmer, party starter, motivational speaker to others except himself, if he has text my sister. My idea was to say "thinking of you" etc since she has been in pain and crying all night and day. HEr husband is kind of insensitive so I thought a nice text from her bro in law would be nice. Here is the convo. I am so hurt to the core. Funny how I thought things were better but he holds things in and waits to bring them up in an instance like this. This man is intelligent, has a high IQ, is a poet, comes to the aid of MANY damsels in distress, helps the widows and orphans EXCEPT when it is someone that has left him, hurt him just like he has written off all his BEST FRIENDS who supported my decision to leave. I am so disappointed since I am always hoping for him to do better, bending over backwards, compassionate, put myself in his shoes. Everyone says I am a saint and that he is obnoxious and too much yet I continue to try. I just can't stand arrogance. Any ideas, input, feedback, observations would help. 

     

    Me: Have you text *** at all?
    H: No. I figured I'm not qualified to speak on the subject of errant children or non responsive husbands. 
    Me:What?
    H: Sorry, you asked if I had texted ***.
    Me: I did. I was not expecting that response.
    H: Sorry, I wouldn't be able to provide any help and, as you know, I sometimes say the wrong thing in these kind of situations. So, best for me to stay out of it. I learned my lesson with your other sister and her kids.
    Me:Never mind. I wasn't asking for you to lecture or give advice. 
    H:I would not want to lecture or give advice. Hello?
    Me: Yes?
    H: I just thought I lost you. 

     

    Shame that he took my chances at finding my soulmate. Thank you for reading this and letting me vent. Been a while since I was so upset and disappointed. 
     

  • Enabling vs Understanding by: chrisj0406 9 years 2 weeks ago

    So, I am in a relationship with ADHD partner. We tread a fine line between Enabling and Understanding our ADHD partners. On one end of the scale we have the school of thought to just accept them for who they are and pick up all the slack because they cannot help it and on the other end of the scale are those who seem to comment that if they are not pulling their weight then end it. We spouses constantly swing in between both and quite frankly it does my head in to the point where my own mental health is becoming an issue. For an overthinker such as myself I am continually thinking about what and how I say things to him and how can I help or is what I am about to say going to do more damage or sound patronising. My partner is newly diagnosed and it's doing my head in. We have been together for four and a half years and he moved in to my house in December. I have been waiting for the life he described would be ours to begin and it didn't matter what he said it went backwards very fast. To be honest I wonder if I am ever going to have that life with him. Yes, he has been diagnosed but doing little about it at this stage - on meds - but no counselling - seems to have trouble getting into that space. He says there are aspects of his life he wants to improve and that things will get better once that happens. It's actually quite difficult for us partners sometimes to sit by and watch the "inaction" in action so to speak. They say that you shouldn't want to change your partner but I think most of you would agree that it is him that changed in that he was very good and showing the outside world that he had everything under control when that was far from the truth. He has also stated he wants to improve things so your wanting to help him do that..... is that trying to change someone?

    I am just completely stuck right now wondering if he is ever going to be able to be the partner he made himself out to be with the family togetherness etc when he cannot even get home on time for dinner with us. The family holidays we talk about taking that I now know I will have to pay for as he cannot even pay his own way and I support him now.

    How do you give your partners support but ask them to support themselves at the same time? How do you give them the encouragement but work double the hours they do? At a loss.

  • Husband snorting Ritalin by: Holgal 9 years 2 weeks ago

    Hi

    I am posting here because I don't know what else to do and I have no one to talk to about this (who will understand what ADHD is). My 43 year old husband was diagnosed with ADHD (predominately inattentive and distracted) about 2 years ago. He has been taking Ritalin for 6 months. I caught him snorting his Ritalin yesterday - 10am on a sunny Sunday morning. He was in the garage and our two children were nearby in the house. He said he did it "for it to work faster" than taking it orally. I don't know what to do. Is this normal? It looked disturbing to me, and I am so confused and upset. 

    Thank you

  • Asking for help by: Drowning 9 years 2 weeks ago
    I have four kids, five if you include the ADHD husband, am pregnant, and desperately need help because I have the worst cold-flu of my life. My husband refuses to work, does absolute minimal childcare during the day (everyone is adequately cared,for, but I have to,prep meals to warm up, set out clothes, etc) and no housework at all ever. His response to me being sick is to say I'm faking, even though I'm not breathing well. I probably should have gone to the ER yesterday as my lips turned blur nut he would not allow it. Does anyone have any effective strategies for asking family for help? My family's go to response,when I ask, even beg,for help, is that I should "make" my husband help. They just don't understand that I can't "make" him do anything. They can't wrap their heads around the fact that he might be incapable of providing support on a minimally acceptable level. Has anyone ever successfully explained this to family and gained/ regained some support?
  • Love is all we need; If we can just recognize it when we see it... by: c ur self 9 years 2 weeks ago

    Most of the dysfunction in my life and in the world as I see it stems from this one quest, "The desire to be loved"....The desire for interaction, the desire for community. We are created to be relational beings.

    When the serpent beguiled Eve, what really happened? Didn't the serpent cause her to question God's Love for her? Wasn't the seed of doubt he planted, about being loved? Wasn't it God is holding something "Good" back from her? So Eve turned to the one dark place she couldn't afford to go to find the answer; the place where innocence will always be destroyed...her carnal mind. The rest is history as they say. We all follow suit, and no one has to teach us either.:)

    Every insecurity (destroyed innocence) I have developed over my life span, has grown, or been destroyed, based on this relational premise,"Our perception's of how we are Loved will always be connected to our emotional wellness or lack thereof."

    The problem with being human and having insecurities, baggage, and faulty thinking is that we really don't always recognize healthy Love when we experience it. And our ability to give healthy love is always in question because of these same reasons.

    By observation of innocence, nature, and children we can learn a lot about our own needs. If a Down Syndrome child will live longer and healthier in a environment of Love, security and social engagement...Why not us adults?

    Psalms 103:14...For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.

    Blessings Friends...

    C

  • Shower Bar gong show by: YorkshireLass 9 years 3 weeks ago

    After years of my cajoling my husband had a burst of ambition and had to immediately mount the shower slide bar without consultation (if I don't specify precisely it gets done wrong and I know that sounds petulant, but I've had too many gong show situations).  So, while I'm at the grocery store he mounted the shower slide bar in the walk in shower ***at floor level*** because I said I'd also use that shower for the dog.  Did he think the dog was going to adjust the shower arm?  I don't know what to think, to me this is a human who Darwinian principles dictate should not have survived past adolescence, but society and me have somehow managed to keep him alive through no small effort.

     

  • Anger is destroying my marriage by: Goldilox73 9 years 3 weeks ago

    Hello.  I am new to this forum and I am terrified because I think my husband and I are on the verge of splitting.  My husband has not been officially diagnosed with ADHD.  However, we've had longstanding marital issues due to his inability to manage his anger, and with a lot of research, I'm starting to think this might be the cause.  Thankfully, he has also done some research and is in agreement.  Besides the difficulty with anger, he is often losing things, disorganized, has trouble with time management, often wakes at night and can't go back to sleep, has trouble processing lots of info when thrown at him all at once, restless in meetings at work, and very distractible.  These last items, while present, don't cause any strife for me as a spouse.  But, the anger management issues have chipped away at my feelings for him, our future, and left me feeling very, very hopeless and sad.  So, while we don't yet have a firm diagnosis, we just started counseling, which, so far, he is very willing to participate in.  The problem is, I am not having the reaction I had hoped.  I thought that just by starting couple's therapy a few weeks ago I would feel immediate relief and a renewed sense of optimism.  But, instead, I can't stop the flood of bad memories from entering my head.  I can't stop crying and I've totally disconnected from him in every way because I am SO unbelievably angry and resentful for the 12 years of outbursts I have endured during our marriage.  It's like everything I've been stuffing for years is bubbling to the surface and now I can't turn it off.  The outbursts have not been every day, or every week, or even every month.  They are very unpredictable, but often occur when I say something that he feels criticized about (e.g. "Did you have to yell at me that way?" or "The way you bit our son's head off is not ok!").  So, we fight about how we fight.  Which sounds ridiculous.  And the "fights" aren't really fights... more him lashing out at me, and me trying to defend myself.  This pattern has repeated itself so many times.  Almost as many times as I've contemplated leaving him.  I long for being able to have a "normal" argument, where 2 people disagree, in a normal tone of voice, and discuss the issues calmly.  Not in our home.  When I try to communicate to him how upset and resentful I am about his anger, he takes it very personally and says I make him seem like a monster.  He just hasn't been on the receiving end of himself behaving like that.  So, maybe he'll never understand how disrespected, upset, anxious, and hopeless I feel when he yells at me or one of our children.  Or how it feels to have to walk on eggshells all the time.  Coupled with a childhood full of adults yelling at each other, terrible parental modeling (from a mother who also likely has ADHD), a father who walked out, and an abusive/alcoholic stepfather, the ability to for him to change after so many years just seems unattainable.  And yet I can say with 100% truthfulness that he is such a good person, with a big heart, a love for life, an amazing, hands-on father, and devoted, attentive husband.  THAT is the person I married.  I just wish I could cut the piece of him out that can't manage his anger.  Does any of this sound familiar to anyone?  Does this sound like ADHD??  How can we move forward in counseling if I can't make my own anger and resentment go away?  Any advice is appreciated.

  • Finally getting help, but I am scared it's too late by: Vivien 9 years 3 weeks ago

    Hey all, hubby is in counseling, I am in counseling and last week we went to a marriage counselor.  He is now on meds also.  However...I have this horrible feeling in my gut that it's just too late.  I just don't feel like I am in love with him anymore, and I am not one to forget past hurts very easily.  I wish with all my heart and soul that I felt in love with him.  I don't want to be in love with anyone else or to start over.  I am just so incredibly pissed at what this has done to me and to our marriage.  All the wasted years feeling like I was nuts or a bitch or expecting too much.  I am filled with resentment and grief.  I wish I could flip a switch and convince my heart that he is doing his best and to just love him.  We had it...the relationship dream...we were the envy of other couples.  And then a veil was lifted and I realized all these years most of my depression/health issues was coping with his untreated ADHD.  And in a way, I wish the veil had never been lifted.  I DESPERATELY want to feel in love with him again.  This disorder is absolutely devasting, and people who aren't in this bubble have no clue what we are going through. 

  • Concerns about hyperfocus in dating/courting relationships by: wishing_the_best 9 years 3 weeks ago

    I am the daughter of someone with ADHD and I have a brother with it as well.  Growing up with and ADHD father was difficult.  We didn't know he had it until many years after my brother was diagnosed.  I told myself that I don't ever want to marry a man with ADHD because I don't want to repeat the problems I had in my childhood.  After finding this website, I can see that not everyone with ADHD has all the same symptoms, and of course not the same personality.  It made me realize that I could probably marry someone with ADHD if he recognized he had it and was willing to receive coaching and try different diets or medications to help with his symptoms.  

    My dad has a pretty extreme case, from what I can tell, but he doesn't want to receive any help with anything.  That can be very frustrating. My mom takes on all the slack for the things my dad cannot do.  It's hard to watch and be okay with things like that.  

    It's sad to say, but I look for the typical ADHD signs in every man I date for fear that he may have it.  My boyfriend now is awesome, and has many of the good traits my dad has, but some of those traits seem to be  associated with ADHD.  I can sometimes have fears or bad dreams that my boyfriend is just treating me so well now because perhaps he has ADHD hyperfocus on our relationship.  I fear that if he does have ADHD and hyperfocus, the affection will wane and he will change into a different person.  That is what happened with my dad shortly after marriage. My dad turned angry towards my mother for the silliest things. Later, when us kids came along, he blamed us for silly things as well.  This was just one of the many issues that came up during my childhood.  

    My boyfriend lives a distance from me, so it is hard to tell how he acts around other people.  We are mostly alone together and rarely around others.  With me, he is wonderful.  He is always affectionate and loving.  He does many kind things for me and is always telling me how much he loves me.  He is sensitive, so is not afraid to cry around me.  He is very sentimental and holds onto things that remind him of good times.  What concerns me is that he has so many of the good traits that are unique to my brother and dad who have ADHD and so I am naturally concerned that he will also have the bad effects of ADHD as well.  I see little things that are concerning, but don't want to blow them out of proportion if they are just things that are common to most men.  I don't really know what is normal behaviour for men or what is ADHD behaviour because I only have one brother without ADHD, but am not around him that much.  I work with alot of men, but you only see the surface personality and not what is going on at home, so it is hard to understand what is ADHD behaviour and what is normal.   

    Before my relationship, I was seeing a counselor.  I told her that I was always wanting to analyze every boyfriend for fear that they had ADHD.  She told me to not be too concerned about that, but to just focus on what you can and cannot handle in the relationship.  She told me to be true to myself and to not make excuses for him when I do see things you don't like.  I make excuses for my dad alot now that I know he has ADHD.  

    One thing that would help me out here is to hear very specific examples of what life was like with someone with ADHD before marriage and specifics of how the person changed after marriage.  My boyfriend and I are seriously considering marriage, but we are only a few months into the relationship.  I love him very much and would definitely still consider marriage even if he had ADHD, but it would be nice to recognize it first before tying the knot.   

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