I sent H a text around 2PM. Just a silly little text. He always responds in some way to those even if it's a smiley face emoticon. I got nothing. I figure he either hadn't looked at his phone (very doubtful) left it at work (possible) or is pissed about something (probable). I know the kittens were being annoying the night before and running around the house keeping us awake so I figured he's probably really tired.  I got home at 5PM and he was in the bedroom. Less than a minute after I get home, he comes storming out of the bedroom right past me and says "How the HELL are you"? I say "Okay. How are you? (like I already didn't know)!" He goes "Well I've been trying to take a nap for the past hour but these little shits we have for kittens aren't letting me. You guys are really enjoying it aren't you? Thanks a lot you little shits". Then throws a dish in the sink, stomps back to the computer room slams into his chair, slams his hands on the keyboard. And I'm sure me coming home and making noise was just the icing on the cake for him! Of course the kittens follow him into the room and he goes "What the hell do you want? You know where your food dish is! Jesus Christ leave me alone" then proceeds to push them aside with his foot or push them off his lap. Real nice guy huh? I avoid him and don't say a word to him. I go out into the living room and about a half hour later he comes out and tries to have a civil conversation with me but I'm too damn afraid of saying anything because I'm sure he'll make it seem like he's pissed at me too. I'm just waiting for him to start going off about anything from my coat hanging on the wrong hook to it being my fault that the trash is full since he is on his mean tangent.Then one of the kittens is playing with a poop pellet. We get this pellet litter rather than the regular kind so it doesn't get tracked around the house. It's the same kitten that plays with them. H goes "Oh imagine that. Callie is playing with a shit pellet! It doesn't matter if we take it away or not because there's a bunch more where that came from because Mom (meaning me) keeps buying them." Then laughs as he walks away. He had fed the kittens before I got home and then I hear right after that lovely comment "Why are there 3 different half cans of food in the fridge? Why didn't you just give them all to them?" Well I opened another can this morning not realizing there was one in the fridge because it was hiding behind something and then they had enough so put a half can back in the fridge. But um, YOU were the one to feed them last and YOU put a half can of food in the fridge too. Actually I look at it this morning and it's not even a half can, it's like a small spoonful. You did the exact thing I did too, even  worse, so why are you lashing out at me?

Then if he was so tired, why did he stay up until 10PM playing his damn video game and then come to bed and spend 30 minutes reading? The whole time I hear these loud sighs. The cats are not making a sound so why don't you try and go to sleep now? I'm sleeping on the corner of the bed so I don't hear "Geez, can you not hog the entire bed?" I try not to move unless absolutely necessary. I try to make sure I'm barely breathing so he doesn't get irritated about that. I never wanted 5 kittens. I barely wanted 1 kitten, but his mom offered to bring us 5 and he said he'd give the other 3 away. I told him to tell her to just bring 2 but he refused to do it. He never gave the others away because he wanted them all. I completely believe that he has it in his head now that I am the reason we have these cats. He kept joking with me "Well if you would have let me have a dog we wouldn't have 5 kittens". He kept saying to me "Thank you for letting me keep these. I love them so much." Just the night before he was gushing over them and saying how awesome they were and even when they are naughty they still aren't bad. Yet less than 24 hours later he's pushing them away and calling them little shits. He never has the right to complain about having 5 kittens. He is the one who wanted them. Yup they are going ot be very annoying and very loud.

I went to bed when he did. I was up most of the night listening to them run around the house just as he was. I got out of bed 15 minutes after he did. Yet I'm not the one being an asshole about being tired. I've been kept awake several nights when he's on 2nd shift staying up until 4 AM playing his video game at a loud level but say nothing. I've had a stiff neck for the past week because I have slept so crappily and have said nothing. The only person who puts me in a bad mood is him. I am a happy person in general and even if I have a bad day at work, I leave it at work. There is not one other person who makes me feel anywhere near as bad as he can when he is on these mean streaks.

I've been reading through some of the posts on the forum and I can't help but find myself feeling as though I've been slapped in the face!  I see others feeling/experiencing/dealing with all of the same things I've been experiencing/feeling/dealing with!  I just want to say thank you God, I am not alone -- for the longest time I have felt utterly alone in this turmoil.

A little background:

Husband and I have been married just shy of 5 years.  He is 39 and I am 34.  He has two children from a previous marriage and we have 2 children together.  He has ADD, diagnosed and medicated.  I do not.  I have OCD-as in clean & orderly standards that no one else can uphold.  Holy cow, can you say we should have seen this coming!!???!!  Volatile roller coaster to say the least.  It's been killing me that I feel my only option is divorce.  I never saw myself as a single mother.  

I have read so many posts on this forum that just ring true.  I'm angry; he's angry.  I feel alone, he doesn't validate or understand why.  I watch project after project go unfinished.  I see to-do lists that never get a second glance.  I see a planner that has plenty of things omitted.  I see the magnetic planner on the fridge be ignored even though if you took a moment to glance, the whole month's responsibilities, plans, etc are listed there.  I hear my 4 year old wanting to play with her Daddy as soon as he wakes up but he is either in a brain fog or hyper-focused on something else.  I never knew the term hyper-focused until today.  The last argument was tops for me.  I am so separated and detached from the relationship it doesn't seem there is any getting it back.  I have convinced myself that I will be much better off without him - that I can have routine, stability, "normal" if he and I didn't live in the same house.  How did I ever get to that point?  I realize now, it wasn't by myself.  I realize now, that by turning a blind eye and ear to his disorder (yes, ADD/ADHD is a disorder) I enabled our lives to spiral much worse than what they should have.

So my resolve?  Well, firstly - I need to regain some independence (work outside of the home, bank account, estate planning) while accommodating his disorder by setting up strategies with him that help US overcome the obstacle of the moment, hour, day, week, month, year.  

So back to my 4 year old pleading and whining for her Daddy to play catch with her with a huge beach ball.  She's screaming at the top of her lungs because he's yelling at her "Not now" and she doesn't understand why he won't just hold his hands up and catch a ball.  My light switch flipped on.  For the first time EVER, I calmly tell him "I know you are hyper focused on something else right now, but she doesn't understand that.  So while you might get angry at her......" he cuts me off, yelling, "I'm mad because she's crying and whining." to which I respond, "No, you aren't.  You are mad because if you get distracted now you may never return to the task you are trying to complete."  He stops and stares at me.  I state, "You can tell me I'm wrong, but I don't think I am.  I learned this morning what hyper-focused is and I am going to work very hard to understand your ADD and how it affects our home, our relationship, and our children.  But if you ever yell at her again like that over playing with her, we will be leaving.  There will be no discussion whatsoever and I will not ever keep your children from you, but your angry outbursts will no longer be tolerated."

He just stared at me, in disbelief.  I didn't raise my voice - I didn't waver in my statements.  And it worked.  He backed off.  He calmed himself.  He finished his task.  And while this might have been a once in a lifetime occurrence - I finally felt relief.  Like I had finally identified the demon.  The demon isn't my husband, his attitude, the fact that at this point I just think he's an asshole.  The demon is his behavior because of his ADD.  And I will, in all honesty, try my hardest to accommodate him - help him identify strategies for success, but I won't do it at the sake of my own self-esteem, self-worth, my children's health and well being.  

I am so glad I found this site - I am hoping to learn so much more and as quickly as I possibly can.  Anyone out there have any other tips/tricks/strategies for healthily dealing with their ADD spouse?

So my husband is ADHD even though he hasn't been formally diagnosed. He knows it, I know it, there is no question.

He works from home and has a great job in sales, spends a lot of time on the phone, but also has decent down time as well. Slow days to watch tv, browse the internet etc, while a lot of very nonstop days on sales calls, and the occasional meeting he travels to in his territory.

Anyway, I am very much NOT ADHD and a extremely organized.  I always handle all personal stuff during the work day at lunch - eat, balance my checkbook in Excel, pay bills, make doctor appointments, run to the dry cleaner, etc., whatever.  That's my time, work permitting, to take an hour a couple times a week to get things done.

So this happens all the time - if there is something important between us, letting him know what he owes for something bills-wise, an appointment to make, etc., or if I just have a question about something, I will email it to him during that getting things done time.

Like anyone I may email during the work day, I of course never expect anyone to respond....why would I? They're at work! So anyway, for the five years we've been together it's like, let's say I go home at night and at like 8:00 I remember something I emailed him about, so to start off addressing it, I will phrase it "Did you see the email about X?" like, PURELY to know, before talking, whether he has read the email and I can address it one way, or if he never read the email then I will explain it from the beginning. Makes sense, right?  

ANY TIME i say this he will go on a rant about how yes, he saw it, and he doesn't have time to respond to my emails during the work day, and gets mad/irritated. I will try to explain I wasn't saying that in a sarcastic or accusatory "why didnt you respond to my email" tone, i was saying it as a preface so I knew whether to explain it or pick up from the end of the email. I DONT KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I CAN EXPLAIN THIS without him jumping to this conclusion like hes this victim, like i am harassing him to email me back during the day. It makes me so angry when he pulls it out in some random fight like "and god forbid I dont respond to your emails during the work day!" and I want to beat my head against the wall bc I HAVE NEVER ONCE EVER goven ANYONE a hard time about not responding to an email during the work day.  Its like this "poor treatment" of him that I am not doing that he is making up and running with, even though 10,000 times ive explained that I never expect him to so much as LOOK at an email during the work day.....

Keep in mind also, as you probably can guess, he is a very disorganized and forgetful person. During times at which I told him X or Y, he always forgets, needs reminding, and ASKS me to "send him a message about it" or "put it in writing."  At one point wiht this savings budget (in Excel) that we have, where he couldnt keep track of what he committed to putting in each month, nevermind the fact that I emailed him the excel sheet a million times, I just printed out a copy and put it on his desk at home....he asked why i did that and I said for your reference so you dont have to worry about which email it is in or where you may have saved it on your computer....he lost that too.

So we are looking for a new apartment because our lease is up soon, so I got on craigslist right now during my break and sent him three links via email.  He just responds to me "I am working."

I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!! Like, don't lecture me, I know you're working. I don't expect you to read (let alone respond to) my emails right now, this is just something for us to review later, either him by himself or us together, tonight....or whenever he has the time. I feel like becaiuse he is ADHD, so much as getting emails from people is distracting, and because he has an inability to take responsibility for his ADHD, if he sees an email from someone, its "their fault" he is distracted, and he takes it out on them. I've heard of not calling someone at work or not calling someone after 10 pm, but when have you ever heard of "don't send someone an email to their personal email during the work day?" I resent being treated like im a rude obtrusive person at all, let alone when ive told him a million times that this is his record of business for us to attend to on our personal matters and NOTHING HE needs to look at or reply to while he is busy. 

BUT at the same time, if i dont email him things, like appointments to be made, bills to be paid, all the adult stuff - like, that IS the most effective way ive found to deliver this information to him....

I don't deserve to be treated like I am interfering with him or imposing on him just by sending an email.

This is my first post, I was diagnosed with ADD as a child and was put on Ritalin around the age of 9 and had bad side effects with mood while on it.  My parents took me off of it and I went through life until I was about 28 when I talked with my doctor and got put on Adderall, I had depression issues with it and added Citalipram to deal with the depression side effect.  I met my wife about a year later and have been married for about 4 years now with two beautiful daughters.  I started having issues my wife would tell me with my temper and attitude, long story short I stopped taking the Adderall to try and curve the temper issue.  Since then my wife and I argue all the time and she is beyond frustrated with me and the fact that I forget things and never seem to finish stuff.  She also thinks I still have a temper or bad attitude. 

It's been hard because I know there are things that I do that I do not know im doing it, if has effected our marriage to what seems like the breaking point, physically things have stopped between us and all i can feel is the anger and resentment towards me.  I love my wife and my family and want to make things right and feel like im at a loss.  I have an appointment set with my Dr tomorrow to talk about different medications I could take but don't know how to restore my marriage.  The last thing I want is to go through a divorce and not see my daughters daily.  

Ive tried to to get my wife to read about ADD/ADHD and what are some of the traits but she doesn't think she needs to change and that it is all me.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I am at a loss.