Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • What is the deadline looming before me by: I'm So Exhausted 9 years 9 months ago

    Signing separation papers. January 28, 2015.  I cannot move out, as our financial situation is not in a place where that would work out. If he moved out, I would be stuck in the "physical mess" of my spouses hoarding, and all his business materials are here. I am listening to God. God will not, and has not given me the the word that I can get divorced.

    And not because I promised in my vows, nor will be the martyr of believing God made this mess, so he must want me in it. I clearly believe God is chasing after my spouse.

    What I believe in my whole heart of hearts is that he has some really awful behaviors weighing him down. They may have served a purpose at one time - self defensive mechanisms - but now they are weighing him to the bottom of the ocean, where he cannot work on our marriage, because he is drowning  in his pain. Gasping for breath surely makes it hard to do ANYTHING but survive. 

     He will have to decide if he wants to get off his pity pot of Woe is Me, and do the hard work to get free of it. I KNOW this road so well. My eating disorders served a purpose for a long, long time. I had to fight to get their grip off me, as they no longer served a purpose, but rather had me trapped. My spouse can do the same thing.

    His ADHD just  - well  it is.  Cannot be cured from it.  Does not need to be fixed.  He has developed many many defensive mechanism in all the years - over 50 of them -  surviving his ADHD without diagnosis.  Many of those are destructive to him.  And in that, they are not good for our marriage.   He needs to let them go, and learn better skills.  

    The problem I fight with is it appears he cannot, or will not.  I only know the end result, which is he doesn't. And I cannot make him, or convince him, or do it for him.

    We all need to separate who we are - from what we do.  Who he is has always been a handsome 6' 4" blonde haired blue eyed hunk of man. What he is doing - - -well it is drowning him in anger. I just can no longer take that anger. 

    I will hope someday he will choose to ask how he can break free from all that baggage - rather than focus on, "I am so sad.  Liz wants to leave."  

     

    Liz

  • dont really feel loved - he doesn't connect by: kotf 9 years 9 months ago

    First of all, thank you to all the contributors to this site and forum.  It has helped me so much to read and relate - although I haven't written until now, I've been reading for quite awhile, and it's really really helped me understand things... 

    1 trait of my now ex has always felt like a part of his ADHD to me, but I'm not sure that I've heard anyone really mention it on the site, at least not too much, or in the same way. I'm wondering if anyone can relate, or, if maybe this is just him and not his ADHD.  Anyway - I just never felt loved... Maybe in the beginning, but even then I remember talking to my friends about how it was weird that he never asked ME questions. We'd talk and talk but he didn't really seem interested in getting to know me in the way someone usually does when they fall in love with you.  I just didn't feel loved. In so many ways. And, I don't think many people would have. He just wasn't even one bit effusive with his feelings - ever. Never connected with me in the way I usually have with partners. In a way he is so present in every moment - but kind of not with me somehow. It's hard to explain. He rarely ever complimented me. Just didn't say nice things. I don't know. I feel funny even writing this because maybe it sounds like it was just him (or us), and not the ADHD... But, it so felt like part of it to me when we were together. Part of how distracted he always is - how he always needs to run and run and do a million things. Disorganized, so he doesn't remember what I or we are doing or planned to do. Just such a mess with everything in his life, schedules, the physical house, always so tired because he can't sleep.... His lack of ability to connect with me in a normal way and make me feel loved feels like a part of all this to me - but, I'm not sure.  I'm sorry if I went on and on with my question or was unclear. Hard to explain and talk about.  Thank you again for all the support you've already offered me through this site and your contributions.  

  • distortion, to make ADHD person look better and spouse look worse by: PoisonIvy 9 years 9 months ago

    My husband, who has ADHD and other issues, lives with and is caregiver for his parents.  He has been doing so most of the time since September 2011.  The arrangement was supposed to be temporary; he said he would look for a permanent, good-paying job while at his parents' home.  He never has.  (I think he agreed to the arrangement so that he'd have a socially admirable reason for not looking for work and for being away from me.)  During most of this time, even though our relationship was and continues to be rocky, I've tried to offer my husband moral support as far as the caregiving goes.  His dad is a hard guy to live with and get along with; his mother has dementia and her condition has worsened.  I understand much about the physical and psychological difficulties of the situation.  My husband barely talks to his siblings, not because they don't like each other (they do like each other) but because he and his family sweep a lot under the rug.  I have felt an obligation to provide moral support despite our marriage falling apart and despite the fact that the caregiving job has contributed to the destruction of our marriage.

    Last week, one of my husband's brothers visited him and their parents from out of state.  He did so, in large part, because I sent him an email commenting on how difficult the situation has become.  I thought my husband would appreciate having another family member there for a little while.

    This weekend, after the brother's return to his home, I was curious to find out his impressions of the situation.  I communicated with my sister-in-law.  Among the things she told me is that she and her husband (the brother) have the impression that my husband wants to spend time with me but doesn't because he is unwelcome in our home.  They have this impression because my husband said this to his brother.  This statement is partly false, partly distortion, and partly incomplete.  I'm very upset.  My sister-in-law and brother-in-law are the only members of my husband's family who have taken the time to communicate with me in the past few years, and now I feel as though my husband has purposely tried to turn them against me, by misrepresenting to them the reasons for him not being here.  Yes, we have marital problems.  No, I'm not the person who encouraged my husband to bury himself in this job.  Yes, I'm the person who has tried very hard to get him to come see our daughters when they're home.  Yes, I'm the person who initiates communication with my husband; he never calls and never emails when he is at his parents' home (24/7, 350 days per year).  

    I feel ashamed, humiliated, and sick.  Any tips for making myself feel better?  

  • Why do we all stay?! by: Nvrslps 9 years 9 months ago

    I'm new to the forum but recognize shades of my domestic partner in all of your postings. He has the inattentive form of ADHD - the kind where he is completely uncommunicative. Like everyone else the relationship started out amazing - he was sweet, kind , thoughtful, I was fooled into thinking he was the kind of man I could marry. Of course, the second we moved in together he became a completely different person. He never even told me he has ADHD until I figured it out and confronted him. Even then he refuses to discuss it. He is a healthcare provider  but refuses to treat his condition with anything other than supplements.

    My relationship is incredibly lonely in that ADHD is such an odd condition that my friends don't believe it's a "real" thing and I am just pathetically making excuses for him. I have read everything I could to try to understand that he has a kind of disability - to feel compassion for him. But He refuses to have any conversations with me about anything negative and will just leave the room and turn up the TV to drown out my crying.

    He does all of the things that truly make me wonder if he's just simply a selfish, lazy, liar. Like many in the forum he has been caught many times online pursuing other women to the point I don't even look and wonder anymore, I just assume it's on-going, He lies constantly to avoid conflict or to avoid taking responsibility for his actions. I can't even get a straight answer out of him if he's paid the cable bill!nhe treats other people just as badly and doesn't seem to have any moral compass when it comes to the "right thing to do"

    I receive little to no affection -he won't hold my hand of Kiss me on the mouth. He will dismiss my feelings or concerns. It's a lot like living with a resentful teenager where everything is a chore, annoyance or imposition on him.

    There are positive things about him and ways that he enriches my life. But mostly I feel lonely and dismissed at best - angry, exhausted and resentful at worst.

    it is gratifying to know that I'm not the only person who is going through this - but honestly why does anyone stay in these relationships?! 

    I question myself every day and feel a deep shame.

     

  • What do you wish you knew before you married? by: newby 9 years 9 months ago

    I am not married and I hope it's ok to ask this question here.  I've been dating someone about 6 months and things are wonderful.  She shared that she has ADHD/ADD so I am trying to understand how that might impact our relationship.  What advice/resources might you share with a newbie to this world?

  • For the ADD'er who accepts it and works on it by: lauren07 9 years 9 months ago

    So, my ex is ADD (inattentive). He won't accept it, nor do anything to improve his symptoms. In fact, just the opposite. He drives me insane, even though he has one of the biggest hearts. There is no hope for reconciliation, and his ADD and other issues have left me scarred. 

    With that said, the only man I am interested in right now is ADD. He accepts it, jokes about it, takes meds for it, and has put things in place to help manage it. I am scared to death of his ADD, but I am giving him a chance. 

    The dating pool over here is pretty scary, and he seems to be the only normal, decent person I can find.

    I just wanted to let you all know LOL. 

  • Young couple with ADHD wife!! by: Bsanchez 9 years 9 months ago

    <p>I don&#39;t know what to do! I can NEVER have a chill/calm moment or event with my wife!! She&#39;s always tense and bitchy!! What the hell do I do!? We&#39;ve been married for a year and a half and I&#39;m only 23! I have no idea how to handle her. When we first met she was taking something for it and I had no clue about ADHD! Roller coaster ride for sure!! HELP!?!</p>

  • New here by: Danadanes 9 years 9 months ago

    Hi I'm new. I'm 40, dh is 44. We've been married for 15 years. We have 2 sons, 11 and 4. The first 3 years of marriage were bliss. Since then it's been a roller coaster. We separated for a year about 8 years into the marriage after (and during) his torrid affair with a coworker. The newness wore off and we got back together. One great year, we got unexpectedly pregnant and it's been downhill since. Dh lost job 4 years ago and hasn't had a real job since then.    

     

    He has always had a drinking problem. I thought that was the reason for the laziness, irritability, and inappropriate relationships. He got sober after I again threatened divorce. While sobriety has helped in many areas, a lot of the behaviors, especially lying and taking the "easy out" in just about everything.  Again, I'm at the end of my rope. 

    I posted about some problems on another relationship site and another poster suggested it might be adhd. I read Melissa's book and cried. It is my life. 

    Husband agrees and has set an appt for eval in 2 weeks. The thing is, this looming diagnosis doesn't give me hope - it feels like a life sentence. He can't just "try more" and do better - it really is who he is.   I can't live like this forever. 

     

  • How to avoid arguments or argue in a more healthy fashion by: Janette 9 years 9 months ago

    I am new to this site. I have read lots of comments about the non ADHD partner getting negative and angry but in my case it is my ADHD partner who gets angry - does anyone have top tips for dealing with this and arguing healthily - most of the time my partner is calm and loving but at some point every few days there is a row - I feel I can not win - I try to be quiet and avoid confrontations but don't want to loose me-he says he wants to know my honest view but if I don't agree he gets cross and if I do agree he says I need to be honest. It is like I am going out with two people - a caring delightful man and an angry aggressive one! What strategies can I use when he is in angry mode?

  • My H wanted me to see a therapist, now he's upset! by: overwhelmedwife 9 years 9 months ago

    I went to a therapist a couple of years ago, and then stopped.  Since then, H has regularly complained that I need to return (to work on "my" issues...lol).  One reason I stopped going was because my T didn't feel that there was anything wrong with me, except that I needed TO DO LESS for my H!  (which of course, he wouldn't like to have happen!!)

     

    Anyway....so I started going back to that same T.   I do NOT discuss with my H what the T and I talk about.   However, that hasn't stopped H from having meltdowns around the time of my T visits.    Two days ago, I casually mentioned to H that an order was being delivered for my business.  A text had popped up on my phone, notifying me of the delivery and I just casually said, "oh, the X is being delivered today."   (no biggie, right)  This is a topic that should NOT evoke any kind of negative response.   As an aside....There had been NO DISCUSSIONS about my upcoming T meeting at all.

     

    But suddenly H says, "oh, of course you haven't told your T about how good I am about letting you order what you want."  (the business pays for it, not H)   So, obviously, my upcoming visit had been "in his head" for awhile and he suddenly "found a way" to weasel it into a conversation in a negative way.

     

    I told him not to assume what I have or haven't said to my T.   He got angry and has been angry ever since (so for two days)

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