Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Making up FACTS....is that part of the "now" and "not now" issue? by: overwhelmedwife 9 years 9 months ago

    I asked my H if he would help me with a volunteer project and he refused.  I reminded him that I would regularly help him with the children's chess club at our parish school that he used to volunteer at.

    H responded with a total lie (which he TRULY believed!!!).  He said that I had gone to the school principal's office and had volunteered HIM for the job.  I knew that that wasn't true AT ALL, but at the moment, I couldn't remember how H had gotten involved.  (It wasn't my thing, so my own memory about that wouldn't be fresh.)   

    Anyway....I certain knew that I had NOT gone to the principal's office and I had not volunteered him.  No way would I have done that.  I had no history of doing things like that anyway.  NONE...no history AT ALL.  

    H argued and INSISTED that I had done this behind his back.  He began raging at me about it.  I just insisted that I hadn't done it, but H wouldn't believe me.  

    For a few days, I racked my brain TRYING to remember the events surrounding his early involvement with that Chess club.  I finally asked  our kids if they remembered.  They did.  They reminded me that one Sunday, we had read in the Church bulletin that the parish school had a Chess Club that met on Wednesday afternoons.  And since H loves chess, he immediately said that he was going to start bringing our kids to that group (H had flex time at work that would allow him to go).   Then after they had been going for a couple of months, the director of the club told my H that the director was moving out of state, so he asked my H to take over the group, which my H agreed to doing.   Periodically, my H would have to go on business trips that would conflict, and I would "pitch in" and take over in his absence.   

    Oh my....as soon as our kids reminded me of what really happened, I was in shock.  Of course what the kids said was completely true, but H had created a  story out of NOTHING blaming me for "volunteering him" when I had not been involved in that aspect at all.  I wasn't even present when that director asked my H to take over.  

    Of course I confronted my H with the truth, and of course he then remembered (he could hardly deny it since our kids totally remembered it), but he did not apologize for his false accusations or his raging that followed.

    My question is....was this a case of "now" and "not now" ?    At the time, (now) he wasn't remembering how he became the director, so his mind somehow created a story that would "fit"????

  • Not in denial, want to get better but keep relapsing by: don't want to b... 9 years 9 months ago

    There is so much good information and discussion on this forum.  However, I can't seem to find a situation like mine, which on face value seems like it out to be simple but is not.  I am 44 year old male.  I have had all the classic symptoms my whole life, so has my brother and father.  I was always told that I probably had it but I never knew that there was anything you could do about the way you have always been.  Also, while a pain to me and all around me, ADD had never reared its ugly head and actually caused major damage to my life.  I have always been very adventurous and fearless in business (thrill seeking symptom I never knew existed) and that has led to some exciting times in our lives and some huge crashes as well.  After a long sales career working from straight commission jobs, to Dell, to Internet & Technology startups in Austin, I was always looking for the next step up and usually had to as many of these positions were high risk and would cause me to lose my job and have to start over again.  Anyway, my wife and I had just had our first child and had always wanted to move back to our hometown from Austin.  We both have a lot of family their but the job market is very limited.  So, as a result, I had to struggle through numerous years of unsatisfying and dead end positions to stay in our home town.  Ultimately, I got this major opportunity to go into Real Estate Development and start my own subdivision on an old golf course and build these beautiful cottage style houses(major stimulus & creative outlet, dream career).  This actually happened in 2005 and it was amazing until 2008 when the mortgage crash killed the economy.  I spent the next 3-4 years suffering through a failing business that should be thriving and going through and almost unbearable roller coaster of utter failure, embarrassment, shame, denial and ultimately complete depression(which I didn't know I had) and serious thoughts of suicide.  You couple the business issues which wouldn't and couldn't end and which kept blowing things up at home, my denial of an un-repairable business situation and refusal to quit desperately trying to save it, with what ended up being ADD symptoms coming to an enormous head and literally turning me into a terrible, sick mentally & physically person.  I was so out of control, raging anger, all the worst symptoms of depression, and then falling right behind that, ever worsening ADD that I truly didn't know was there and was it's own thing that would only progress, even as we put the business issues behind us.  

    Fast forward to about 1.5-2 years ago.  We had to file bankruptcy and that almost ended our marriage, we made it through that and we kept getting into these huge, very aggressive and long lasting fight to the death arguments.  My wife was at her wits end again as was I, frustrated at her rage against me and her unwillingness to understand me.  We agreed to counseling.  It took 6 months and a lot of heart ache and hard work for me to earn her back.  Somewhere in the counseling when relapse after relapse kept happening, we finally figured out it was my ADD.  This was a revelation, however, so much damage had been done again, there was a long period of purgatory.  During this time, I threw myself into research, read every book out there on ADD.  Made voracious notes and finally got to the point that I could teach the stuff.  Now the situation gets worse.  My frustration and anger is building with each page that I read and learn that I am not just an A-hole who is truly the worst person in the world, I have this very legitimate condition and all the books have all these wonderful techniques for what each part of the couple should be doing and it all makes sense and seems like Nirvana.  If I could only get my wife to subscribe to some of it and let go of some of her anger and rage towards me for just about anything ADD that I did.  So, I am now becoming increasingly angry that this problem can be managed and contained if we are both working at it and learning all this wonderful information and techniques to avoid the escalations.  We can manage a few months of peace at the most and something I do always hits an emotional trigger for her.  I have a hard time containing myself or giving in when she reverts back to her original anger when a trigger hits as if we don't have any of the knowledge on this blog or the many books and therapy sessions we have absorbed.  

    I am not the person that seems to be described throughout this blog, who cheats on his wife over and over, who won't go to therapy, who really doesn't want to work on it or doesn't even think that he has a problem.  I was so overjoyed when I found out what this was and read Melissa Orlovs book and thought all the answers are right here.  Thank god.  However, that is not how things have gone.  I can't seem to maintain an equilibrium of control with my ADD and my wife seems to be going backwards with every outburst of mine.  I recently got in a stressful situation and when that happens my ADD is at its worst and can take over.  My wife asked me a very abrupt question about something that I was supposed to have completed, and in the heat of the moment, I got nervous and lied to cover myself from further pain.  Once she discovered that I want so badly for this not to ruin my marriage.  I have a beautiful wife and a family that I am so blessed to have.  What in the hell do I do?

  • Isn't the home supposed to be the safe place, the comfort place? by: overwhelmedwife 9 years 9 months ago

    Tonight, after all these years, I broke down and cried as I realized that our home isn't the place of peace and comfort that a home should be.  

    It was heart-breaking knowing that my H's mental issues have prevented our family from having the "home is safe" environment.  At any time he can become extremely angry, we walk on eggshells, and that's not what "home" is supposed to be like....at all.   My home growing up was not like that.  Sadly, H's father raged, so he got a bad image of what's "ok".

     

    For many years I encouraged H to work a lot, go to the gym a lot....really to keep him out of our hair.  But since he had a hip replacement and then later retired, the more recent years have been spend with him around the house more...causing trouble.

     

     

  • For all of you who don't have ADHD by: Downgrade 9 years 9 months ago

    Hi. Long time reader, first time poster, so I sincerely apologize if this post went into the wrong subgroup on the forum.

    Let me introduce myself: I'm a 27 year old man, from Sweden, diagnosed with ADHD - as well as post-traumatic stress disorder and social phobia (and the two are, by the way, undergoing very good progress) - and I recently participated in an intense six month ADD/ADHD therapeutic group meeting (with lots and lots of exercises in mindfulness).

    I'd like to share (an improved summary of) my "thought notes" with you all, so here they are:

     

    "I wish that you somehow could share my reality, to understand my world, the same way as I'm forced to live in yours.

    I wish that you, if only for a day, could feel this whirlwind inside of me, and the frustration which submerges when I can't follow its movement.

    I wish you could feel this restlessness which quivers deep inside, which drives you crazy as you suppress it.

    I wish that you could understand that every time you try to slow down my pace, or try to stop me, I completely fall apart.

    It feels like I have a weight around my body. I feel trapped, suffocated, and just want to break free.

    I must fly freely at my own pace, otherwise I fall down.

    I would like you to understand that it's not because of malice or laziness that I can't handle certain situations, or deal with different things, and that every time I lose, or forget, things, it's already a complete failure by me.

    I wish you could understand my frustration when I become interrupted, because every time that I loose track, I can't find my way back.

    I'm sorry I can't listen to you; my thoughts fly away to unknown destinations. I can't stop them, no matter how hard I try.

    I wish every time you ask what the matter is, have faith in my explanation: that I really don't know, that the answer is hidden… even for me.

    Something's alive inside of me, something which I can't control or stop; which I every day try to control, just to function "normally."

    Sometimes I wish it was visible on the outside, that it was carved into my forehead, as a reminder for you that I don't function the same way as you do, so that you remember that every time I make you upset or frustrated, I've already done the best I can...

    … but couldn't reach through to you…

    … and that no one's ever as sorry as I am."

     

    Best regards,

    Downgrade

  • Only rages at home by: cjhunton 9 years 9 months ago

    Wow. For 17 years, I have felt completely alone in dealing with my severely ADHD husband. I hate that so many of us go through this, but it feels like such a relief to know that I am not the only one on my team.

    As I said, my husband is severe ADHD. His doctor says that it is the most intense case she has ever treated. for years, I've described it the best way I can, which is, "it's like being married to Jekyll and Hyde". On one hand, when things are going his way, he is the most magnetic person on earth. Nobody can get enough of him. He's that way, consistently, at work, at the church where he is a youth pastor, and out in public. At home, we (me and our 3 kids) never know if we are going to encounter that guy, or the raging psycho who uses every single one of our insecurities to just callously lay us open to bleed to death. Every single attack leaves me reeling, and I can never quite tell where it's going to come from. He screams, he curses, he twists our words, and deflects blame of everything, he hits below the belt, and goes out of his way to not fight fair. It is slowly eroding the very being of who I, and our oldest daughter, are. she has (super) high functioning autism, and he has absolutely no patience or tolerance for her quirks. and me, I'm starting to feel like he just genuinely doesn't like me. Our youngest daughter, and our son, also have a severe ADHD diagnosis, and the three of them are all on meds. He has infinite patience for our son, and near infinite patience with our youngest daughter. Every bad decision they make, every choice, he attributes to their diagnosis, and does not hold them accountable for. which, he also does with himself, after he has come down from the height of a rage. 

    I see so much of what he does to our family, in all these posts I'm reading on here. But our main difference, is that he is only this way at home. Only this way, with us. He is the Golden Boy of his company- incredibly successful, and known and adored company-wide for his easy going, kind, magnetic personality. He is ridiculously beloved at church. every single one of our friends think that I am the luckiest woman in the world. He never loses control unless he is in the four walls of our home. He has lost control on my mother, and my grandmother. But nobody else in this world, except for me and my children, know what he's capable of. last night, after a particularly hurtful, degrading, heart-wrenching rage against me the night before, I asked him what would happen if he acted that way at work. And he told me that they would call the cops on him. So, it's mistreatment and abuse severe enough that someone would call the cops, but it's good enough for your wife and your children? If, on the way to church, one of us sets him off, he can rage at us in the car the entire way there, and then calmly get out of the car, and put his arm around our children, and kiss me on the forehead, and literally not show an ounce of indication of how maniacal he was 5 minutes prior. the therapist that I talked him into going to for a little while, before he raged at her and told her that she was twisting things to my side, called it "apparent competence". is this really a thing? Or does he just respect his job enough to try harder?

    Is this common? Can anybody else's spouse hold it together when they want? Because that truly makes it feel like he does have control over it, and I'm/we're just not worth the effort. I don't know what to do, or how to help him. Reading all these accounts, I see that it's a real thing. So, am I just destined for a life like I've been living? Walking on eggshells and pacifying him? Catering to his irrational behavior? I'm completely torn, because I am blindly, hopelessly in love with the man that he shows the rest of the world. The man that he showed me, when we were dating, and engaged. Though all the damage he has done to me over the years, has made me a little less enamored with his charm.

    Regardless, 18 years together and 3 beautiful children, is enough to make me want to make this work, if it can.

    Do I have any reason to hope that he can change the way he makes us feel in those moments, or do I just need to get out, finally?

  • Coping Mechanisms by: domayne69 9 years 9 months ago
    I really am at the end of the road and it's affecting my life. I am a non adhd partner and this is my first post and Indeed my first point if contact for help and advise. I have been with my partner for just 5 months. I am a gay man of 45 years. I have read through a lot of posts and threads and it has been useful to see the thoughts behind how a non adhd persons reactions can make situations a lot worse. In fact they are destructive. I am so frustrated and I am becoming terribly depressed. I feel like my relationship is a constant battle. And that my voice and how I feel isn't listened to or considered. I am beginning to understand why after reading through here. My partner, whom I love to bits, has adhd. From the off with him I have felt that the relationship is very one sided. Missing a lot of the things I take for granted. Such as contact during the day when I know he contacts others, friends and family. Yet he never feels the need to Contact me. Yet if I don't pick up a call from him, he panics and asks why I don't answer. He never shows outwardly that he loves me, I have to ask for a hug when he gets home and it used to be just an awkward pat on the back with no feeling. This is mirrored in Christmas and birthday cards, with typically from ......... as what he writes. He has no bearing of how his actions make me feel and I feel like I'm nagging him, because when I say something to try and make him see how it makes me feel it never sinks in. I know my reaction probably isn't helping. He will say sorry if a problem occurs, but the problem comes up time and time again, when I snap and say that sorry isn't changing the situation - he says that I have to give him time. He is constantly distracted, I try to talk and it can be the simplest distraction , such as fluff on the carpet that breaks his concentration. ...... again this is constant. He can cause the worst argument and then walk around the apartment singing and whistling away, almost carefree. He also lies constantly, not even good lies, and when he's talking to anyone he makes the version of events bigger and grander than they actually are. This is causing trust issues as I don't know whether I am hearing the truth or not. And when I do question him about things he's said, the excuses and further lies are not consistent. I must admit reading through this website has given me a great deal of understanding to maybe why things are as they are and they have certainly helped me understand that my reactions are making this worse. Please can someone advise me how to improve the situation, how I can help my own sanity and have a happier life with the man I love to bits.
  • Facebook by: Anonymous (not verified) 9 years 9 months ago

    This is probably just going to be a rant, but I hate facebook for what it has done to our relationship, though if it wasn't facebook it would probably be something else.

    I'm sick of being ignored while he sits on facebook chatting to other people. I'm sick of the lack of intimacy and sex, what kind of a relationship is that. It is worse that having a cardboard cut out because at least that cannot hurt you by chatting to other people including other women online. It's never him, it's always me and me having a go at him, he is always the victim he is not responsible for anything he does.......I'm just sick to death of the lot of it.

  • H angry at our son by: overwhelmedwife 9 years 9 months ago

    2 years ago, h got into a physical fight with our adult-aged child.  H started the fight, and started the physical aspect.  H is nearly entirely at fault.   H ended up with a black eye.

     

    I was the only witness.   over the last two years, H has "changed " the story painting himself as a total victim..   He has not seen or spoken to our son since.   One therapist did tell him that "as the father", he is more responsible since he should taken steps to prevent.   

     

    H's current T is telling him to write a letter to our son.  H has written two letters, but both have been deemed unacceptable to his T.   H has been vague as to what her complaints have been, but I suspect that it's because a T knows that it is likely HIS fault that the fight happened, and that H's letter has not been mature (taking responsibility)

     

    Anyway.....all of this letter writing business is making H relive the incident and he blames me .   Now, every couple of days, he has been blowing up over minor things, and then yelling at me over the incident with our son.

     

    I don't know what to do?

  • :::::Sigh::::... Vacation by: Whoknows 9 years 9 months ago

    The opportunity was given to my husband for an all expenses paid trip out of the country for our family of four (a gift from his parents). Speaking with him about the trip was as follows: (I promise this is not an exaggeration, I know it sounds ridiculous)

     Tuesday: him: do you want to go?  Me: yes   Him: I don't want to go with my family so I don't want to go...

    Wednesday: him: do you want to go?  Me: yes   Him: I don't want to but you can go okay ask my parents..

    Thursday: Him: do you want to go?  Me: yeah   Him: I told you I don't want to go with my family.  Me: okay it's your family so it's your call.

    Friday: Him: so you want to go? Me: yeah - I would love to, we could all have a great time.  Him: ok call and talk to my parents   Me:they don't even like me, the invitation was given to you. Him: I don't want to go.

    Saturday: Him: so do you want to go? Me: why do you keep asking me - you know I want to go, but you don't so what is the purpose of this. HiM: oh I won't ask anymore, I thought you said you didn't want to go. Me: I never said that, why do you keep asking me if you know you don't want to go. Him: I don't want to talk about it anymore. Me: you're the one who keeps bringing it up, so let's talk about it. Him: this is our problem when you don't want to talk about something we don't but when I don't you keep on...

    I am sure you can guess what followed.. I was ignored, made to think I was overreacting for my final response to his questioning. He drank all night, came to bed at 0300, then pretended the next day as if nothing happened.  Does this make sense to anyone! Ugh I could have just screamed at the top of my lungs!!!  Just another typical week in the life.

  • Knowledge is power by: Jdewinter 9 years 9 months ago

     

    I Now  look in the mirror and what do I see, but a 46 year old man who has ADHD
    Looking back at things now it all makes sense
    As a kid I wasn't slow, stupid or dense 
    School was something that really didn’t make sense all it did was make me tense .
    Sitting in Class Listening I was bored Art & gym  only classes I  really adored 
    I was charismatic and charming and had tons of friends
    I was crazy and funny never sat still my Mom always said I had to chill 
    I just coped with these problems Inside of me because No one ever heard of ADHD 

    Sports was my thing, a Bat I could swing Baseball was my gift I played with ease even back then with ADHD .

    As a young Teen Nothing I feared just needed my buddy’s and a cold case of beer  
    I  did insane things that made mom wonder who is this boy so full of thunder 
    I realize now that it was me just coping with is ADHD
    Just trying to find A new  Thrill  I didn’t know of treatments and a little pill   
    But through all the  years & dumb things I’ve  done there is 1 regret I wish was undone 
    I was blind to fact that I had my whole life that 1 regret was Hurting my wife 
    I am 46 now  with 4 kids of my own and without Casey I feel so all alone  
    It took me seven plus years of not being aware but in my head I really did care  .
    I have the problem it is in me I was not wired correct I’m so sorry Casey 

    The fact that it destroyed my family & Me All I  can blame is this damn ADHD
    Now that I know I am  relieved the only thing I wish that  my family won’t leave 

    What I have learned in a short little time is all worth it for the Children of mine                                                  

    My kids need their Dad to give them a good life even if I don’t have my wife

    I promise to do the best that I can because I have always wanted to be this kind of man.

    The past is just that it won’t be relived after 46 years I have received a gift

    When you know it’s not only you many others have it and the same issues too 

    The Trust & respect that has been lost will push me to learn no matter the cost

    I sit in my chair reading hour after hour because what I am learning Knowledge is power

    Some good with the bad has come to be but I will always be a man with  ADHD

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