Does anybody else feel sad for how they have changed being married to an ADHD person?  It is quite possible I am having a big ol' midlife crisis (I am 44) but lately I think about what I was like 20 years ago and what I am like now.  Of course I would change and grow over 20 years of marriage and life and two kids, but what I thought about the world and my place in it--that is totally different.  I used to think my husband was the man of my dreams--I used to tell him so.  Now I cannot imagine that I ever felt that way.  I used to be so happy being married now I regret that choice I made 20 years ago and all it has cost me emotionally and financially.  I used to think I could solve any problem if I just thought about it enough and worked on it enough, now I wonder if there is anything I can really do.  I used to assume husband would have my back, because isn't that what husbands do??, but now I assume he does not.  I have virtually no expectations of him at all.  He is not the first person I think to call when something good or bad happens.  When he travels on business, I don't notice or care if he calls during the day or not.  When he emails me his itinerary for a trip, I generally delete it without looking at it because I don't care where he is.  It's so much easier when he is not home-that's all I care about.  Every year for the past, oh, ten years, a friend from church has sent me flowers at work on Valentine's Day.  I have never told hubby.  Because why?  I get bonuses at work and don't tell him.  Because why?  If I go out with friends when he is out of town, I generally don't mention it because why.  And I really don't like my own behavior.  I feel like it doesn't matter one bit how I behave towards him because he either won't notice or won't remember.  I am not unkind, just pretty detached.  I don't like feeling that powerless.  I feel totally unimportant.  And what is really funny is we see a counselor and I just asked hubby this morning how he thinks we are doing and he said pretty good!!!!  So he is fine.  Me, I am not fine.  If I had a daughter that felt this way and acted this way, I would want her out of there RIGHT NOW but I can't afford it.  

I am not explaining this right.  He has lied to me on so many occasions that by and large I just assume that what he says may or may not be true.  He told our kids that he started driving at age 10.  In what universe would that occur???  Even they were like, "yeah, okay dad..."  How stupid.  He texted me from out of town asking me what Vera Bradley was and my first reaction was WHY?  why do you care?  what did you do?  Not, oh-it's a purse-luggage-bags kind of place.  I always assume the worst.  I hate that about myself now.  To look at the person you promised to love honor and cherish until death do you part and think-when are you going out of town again so I can be myself is pretty crummy.  If I did leave, what would I be like?  How much of myself is left?  I used to have a spark.  Would it come back?  Is it too late?  Mostly I hate how I feel when I think about being married to him forever.  I feel like I am choking.  I just cannot be trapped like this for the rest of my life but right now there is no way out.  That makes me sad.  I did not see myself counting the days until I could leave and be free.  I figured marriage would be a forever thing, not a thing that sucked the life out of me.  And yet he feels fine.  It's like we live in parallel worlds.  Anybody else feel sad for how they have changed for the worse?  I am not proud of what I have become at all.  I feel like a fake at my job where I am competent and well liked and organized and then I get home and have no idea how to act with him around.  When he is out of town, it's much better and that statement makes me sad too.

I am, like many people here, completely at my wits' end.  My wife has every ADHD symptom in the book, or at least one version of it (primarily inattentive type).  I am terrified when she gets behind the wheel of a car.  She stares at her iphone, playing mindless self-medicating games, all day long.  She is as sexually dysfunctional as a rock.   She hums all the time.   She does few chores on time, and if she does, is openly hostile.  She finishes almost nothing.  She is never on time for anything.  She feels "overwhelmed by life," this despite the fact that her life is about the cushiest one out there.  She can't get out of a grocery store in less than 500 years.  She is brilliant but hates having a job.  (She left the workforce long ago; people continue to offer her jobs and she always says no).  She never goes to bed and yet complains of being constantly tired.  She overspends.  She loses her keys, her wallet, her purse, her phone, the book she was reading (and would never finish).  One time she put her keys in the meat drawer in the refrigerator.  She doesn't hug the kids, who are spectacularly lovable and worthy of hugging.  She is "tired of being the mom."  I don't doubt that it's hard being a mom, but our kids are a breeze and I work at home and am always around for chores, pick-ups, and the rest.  In sum, she she feels totally absent as a personality in the room except for an aura of fear, distraction, and a zen-like, self-protective tuning out.  

 The situation has worsened as my daughter has grown into adulthood; my daughter, like me, is highly focused, energetic and organized, a straight A kid with a bedroom as neat as a pin.  She is also hilarious and a gas to be around.   My wife feels like we are conspiring against her, and we are, in a sense; the two of us spend an awful lot of time managing her mother and venting our frustrations.  We delight in doing chores together.  One game we play is doing the grocery shopping with the rule that the cart cannot stop moving.  We go out together for coffee, walks, to the movies and the gym because, as we both know, making plans like this with my wife is pointless; we'll never get out the door.  We are like a couple of soldiers in a foxhole under heavy enemy shelling, telling jokes to pass the time.  This has saved me, but it's not fair to my daughter, whose heart is broken by her distant, unloving mom, who cannot so much as accept a hug, let alone offer one.  A girl needs her mother, just as I need a partner.  My daughter leaves for college soon.  She says she can't get away fast enough.  I already miss her.

Like many people here, I have reached a breaking point.  I love my wife dearly; at her best, there is no one better.  But I am angry, lonely and depressed all the time.  When I come home, and my wife's car isn't in the driveway, I have three thoughts.  First, my heart sings a little.  Second, I am terrified she's been in an accident.  And third, I rapidly calculate the odds that either of our children has been in the car with her, praying that, at the very least, her texting and driving and thoughtless lane-changing have killed no one else.  That, in sum, our family has not been obliterated by her distractible neural pathways. 

My wife will grudgingly concede that she has ADHD, or at least entertain the idea.  She just won't do anything about it.  For a brief period, just a couple of weeks, she took medication but abandoned it, claiming she didn't like it, and indeed it made her very snappish, though more effective in the day to day.  I would welcome advice on what to do next.  How do you lead someone to the realization that this simply has to be dealt with?  That, in effect, she--not me, not the kids, not life itself--is the problem?  At what point do you issue an ultimatum (even if it's false; I really can't see ending the marriage)?

Many thanks.  

First off, let me say that H finally went into work yesterday for the first time since last Thursday! That was a relief. On Monday night he says to me, almost accusingly "Would you PLEASE do me a favor? Would you NOT buy any beer when you are at the grocery store tomorrow? I really need to regulate it so that I'm not tempted to drink before I go into work." Okay. I had no plans of BUYING you any beer since I don't drink it! He just made it seem like I'd be at fault for him not going into work if I bought him beer. Yet last night, 2 days after he told me not to buy him beer, he comes home from his first day back at work in a week at 11PM with not only a 12 pack of beer, but also a small bottle of Fireball whiskey! He stayed up until 3:30 this morning and I see he had 3 beers and about 2 shots of whiskey.

Help me comprehend this! This isn't the only thing he's told me not to do and then turned around and done it himself. I mean things like scolding me because I didn't cover up something in the microwave and then 30 minutes later he turns around and does the exact same thing I did. Scolding me for buying a certain brand and then he goes and buys the very same thing. What is going through his mind when he is so adamant that I shouldn't do something but then he turns and does it himself and is like "chill out, what's the big deal"?

New here. My apologies for the length. I'm really at my wits end. Husband has ADHD and is untreated. Refuses to go. My step son also has it. He is being treated. Blended family- 4 kids. 2 his, 2 mine. All under one roof, and feeling very very dysfucntional. We've been married 4 years, together for 6, didn't begin living together until we got married (I'm traditional). So, over the past three years, I have been patient, kind, supportive and have taken really all I can really take. My children are teenagers, one is already in college and the other is on her last year at home. His children are tweens, and the raising of these kids is very different than I have raised mine but with that said, I believe the ADHD that is going untreated is partly to blame. My husband has been lying to me over stupid things over the years, where he ate lunch on a business trip, who he saw, how a conversation took place etc. When I have called him out on his little lies, he has been defensive, mean, and will always end with calling me crazy or that I'm the one with the problem. My husband travels for work, and two years ago made a big mistake in flirting with another woman, through email which was discovered by me- I didn't look for it, I just happened upon it when he asked me to send an email from his phone to someone in his line of work ( he was driving and asked me to send it, so it wasn't like I was out snooping or anything). That was the beginning of the realization that he was not truthful- he admitted his mistake, apologized, said he has a problem and likes the attention, but that he never has done anything, and surrendered passwords, etc. and periodically I will check up on him.. and he hasn't done anything since, so we've moved on from that, at least he's moved on, and I have hung on to it- i often times feel like things are spinning out of control, he drinks alot. He will call me when he's out of town at all hours, drunk, telling me how sorry he is, how much he loves me etc. Only to return home to be back to the old way of yelling at his kids- failing to parent them, yelling at me for suggesting other ways of correcting behavior. We go to church, he says he's trying, he says he doesn't want to hurt me, but at the end of most days, I'm in tears, This is far from what he was when I first met him and how things started out. He has no healthy relationships with his sibilings- all of them have given me keys to their homes- as a safe place if things go awry. (Wow. Welcome to the family I think.) Anyway, there are good things, but as each year passes, I continue to have a deeper cut into my heart- a birthday forgotten, christmas with not even a single gift from him ( not that any of that matters, but it gives me pause) When I have asked him, "was there a particuliar reason you forgot my birthday?" he has responded with, "What are you, 8???" So I then in turn feel that this man who I once believed was genuine and wonderful and good for me and my kids, has turned into someone I barely recognize let alone know. My problem continues to be the lack of respect he shows, as well as the constant lip service of telling me what i want to hear but his actions being much different. Recently he was playing video games for 6 hours, when I came home and asked him if he wanted to do something together instead of being locked upstairs in the tv room all day he got all defensive and mad. It caused a huge argument. I've never been called names before (this is my second marriage- my former spouse passed away and there was a ten year gap before I remarried)- I've been reading on ADHD and I've done all but beg him to seek treatment- he's highly functional in his job- but he's married to his job, often working late hours (he works from home), and he will often excuse himself from family functions to take care of work when all he really has to do is say no. I've discussed with him how it makes me feel, but I am told to get over it and that I'm too irrational and now as of late because I have been going through some pretty emotional things with my children, I'm being told that I need to get a grip and accept my children are growing up and get over it. During arguments he will tell me to leave, he will tell me to shut the F up, he will call me names, and it will be over something as simple as to why he forgot to pick up his kids, or why he forgot to do something he promised to do. Counseling is not an option for him, but I am going myself. He refuses to accept that anything is wrong. I feel that I am the only one trying to work on things- he will put words in my mouth, manipulate me into believing that I am the one who has caused the issue, then I end up apologizing for something that I didn't even do to begin with. I'm not sure if any of this makes any sense. His children have picked up on his behavior so as one can imagine, I now receive very little respect from them. My two children have been very firm with how upset this has made them, and have told the younger children to knock it off, and have put them in their place, and to make it more complicated, my eldest has given me an ultimatum of either choosing her or my marriage because she is sick of how things are. I really don't blame her. Looking in on this family, one could easily say it is broken and the leader of the village is not on the bus, has not joined and continues to be in a banana tree all to himself.

Some advice would be helpful if anyone has anything to share.