My partner and I have been together about 8 years.

During most of that time he had a job in the surveying industry, but we've always been poor.

We have twins who are 6 years old who are both neurodivergent, and my son is completely non communicative. 

Over the course of our relationship my partner has cheated on me at least 3 times, and I can confirm at least one time was full on intercourse (because they made a video that I found.)

I would have left then, but the kids were already born. I didn't want them to have the same kind of life as me, one without a dad. And he's always been pretty good to the kids.

Other than that he's lied a lot and done things like left the front door wide open when he left, leaving cold stuff out on the counter to spoil, and he doesn't know the first thing about finances or doing his own laundry.

A lot of the time he feels more like my 3rd kid when what I really need is a partner. I suffer from major depressive disorder, have PTSD from a sexual assault as well as child abuse, and suffer from extreme anxiety. Yet I still find a way to function. I don't need the additional pressure of micromanaging his life - something his parents did and he took advantage of it. 

Back when the pandemic started my partner lost his job. Not only that, but it was his fault. He just stopped showing up. He told me he was fired, but for some strange reason he couldn't get unemployment. 

Then as we slipped further into poverty and relied very heavily on family and friends for support - his mom got sick with Covid. When she died he had a radical personality shift. He went from being one of the kindest people who always lifted me up with his great sense of humor to bring a complete jerk. I figured it was his grief, but it just kept getting worse. So I finally told him to go get therapy and see a doctor. 

He did, and he was diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed Adderall. He also smokes a LOT of pot. At least two to 3 times a day he's getting high with one of his friends.

I have no problem with responsible marijuana consumption but he really needs to pass a piss test if a company is gonna hire him. He puts out lots of applications online but NEVER follows up with them.

He knows as the person who pays the bills this has a really strong impact on me. I am constantly stressed out over money problems and have been for over a year. In 2019 I went to a facility because money problems were making me feel suicidal. And in 2020 after a fight I actually hung myself and nearly died. I was hospitalized again.

Now we are living with his two friends in a very tiny 3 bedroom apartment. He is still lying to me about his whereabouts. He doesn't come to bed til 3, 4, sometimes 5 am. He neglects me most of all, but he also neglects our kids too. He never keeps his promises. He never wants to spend time with us. He spends 90% of his time playing Xbox, getting high, or sleeping the day away. He asks me why I don't go out and get a job and support the family. Because he won't do anything at the house while I'm gone. I'd have to go to work, come home, do all the cleaning, do everything that needs to be done with the kids, etc. The one good thing I can say is that he does cook - but he won't wash the dishes he uses which is a house rule I have to do his in addition to the kids'.

We have more fights recently. Today we have barely spoken to each other. I can't get mad at him about anything he does wrong because he takes it 1000% like it's the end of the world with the slightest of concerns. Today's tantrum was because I was "nagging him" for going to the store but forgetting everything on the list except the stuff HE and HIS FRIENDS wanted while the kids actually had basic necessities they needed. 

He does that all the time too. Going out and doing stuff for himself but never for me and the kids. Unless he knows I'm mad and in that case he will bring me chocolate candy and a drink from the gas station as an apology instead of actually doing better.

He's also needed to get HIS Jeep's brakes fixed for LITERAL YEARS. It is also way behind on an oil change which I guess okay great I have to do that too because let's face it he's living the dream life being kept by a woman like he's a pet. By the way he convinced me to have kids I never actually wanted children, but he convinced me having a child would help us get over our traumatic childhoods. I fell for the manipulations and lies hook, line, and sinker. I don't blame my kids at all. I love my kids. But I basically got manipulated into being the mom or two neurodivergent kids while also taking care of him too.

Right now I have a lot of money sitting in AMC stock waiting for the big squeeze when I can cash out the equivalent of a year's salary. And if so, my question is, should I just walk away?

He takes his meds, but they aren't helping. He quit his therapist. He promised he'd go to anger management but never did. He makes me feel bad when I threaten to leave because his mom died and if I leave he has nobody left. But if I'm so special to him why do I feel like I'm being neglected and treated like garbage all the time?

I'm miserable. I'm depressed. I just wanna lay in bed and watch tv all day, but I still get up because the kids need me. So I have to do it even though my brain screams at me not to bother. So if I can do all that, why can't he just make an honest effort to be a responsible adult?? He uses his ADHD as an excuse for every bad behavior and makes *me* feel bad for trying to hold him accountable and to get him to do the right things. 

I'm just at the end of my rope. He won't go to couples counseling either. What should I do??? I don't wanna be a single mom but I also don't want to be miserable my entire life being with someone who has never put me first not one time. I'm lonely all the time. I have no one to talk to. I'm so freaking angry that he did this to our lives. That he used me as breeding stock, took my 30s from me, and now I'm like his maid and live-in babysitter. I don't want this life. I don't know if giving up on him because of his unchecked ADHD makes me some kind of ableist monster. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks. 

How could I be precise about my ADHD partner’s disorder?

Firstly, I'm a Japanese and I'm sorry if my English skill isn't enough to explain my thoughts.

I really would love to understand him as much as I can, accept his everything and love the way he is.
And stay his side whole my life.

So I'd like to talk about what he is bad at and what he wants me to do about things he's bad at.

But would ADHD individuals mind if their partner start the conversation about their disorder?

Or would they be happy about that their partner is trying to understand, accept and love the way they are?

To start to talk about this with him, how should I start to talk to not hurt him?

By the way I really love his everything so far and respect that he strictly pursues what he loves(in my boyfriend’s case, it’s web designing), and even tho there are some bad  affects because of his disorder (like he can’t concentrate, being late to complete his work)

My husband has been withholding sex for several years because he says he no longer is attracted to me due to my forgetfulness and not doing things the way he wants me to. I have forgotten things in his lunch and today I mailed a letter but neglected to send it three day mail like he wanted me to. We've been married for twenty years and he keeps saying he should just leave because he can't trust me to do anything right, that he might as well be single if he has to do everything himself. I don't know why I stay. I feel like such a failure in life. There will be time I go with long stretches without messing anything up but then something will happen and I'm back to square one. It's so demoralizing. He'll say I'll be like My Mom and my sister who both got divorced. I honestly don't know how to go out on my own. I'm 53 years old. We don't have any kids. Most everything is in his name. How can I afford an apartment? I've only lived alone for a couple of months before we were married.

I just need to vent, and would like to have some commiseration.  So please share your stories about taking trips with you ADHD spouse. 

We have a trip coming up this weekend, and like always, something came up.  My husband recently got back in touch with an old friend who is visiting town this week and will only be available on Friday, the day we are supposed to leave.   Total no-brainer, right?  Husband can go out with his friend and meet us (2 1/2 hours away) the next day. However, I know from experience that this has the potential to derail at least the entire next day and possibly the rest of the trip.  I proactively brought this up last night and it seemed to go well until husband said "I told you a week ago that my friend would be in town this week and I wanted to see him."   Nope, nope, nope.  I did not want to hear justification about anything and so set my expectations:  no drinking and driving, don't try and come at night if you're tired, if you come the next morning, I expect you to come in the morning, don't sleep until 1 and then pack, and waste the whole day.   His phone must be charged and with him and he must tell me along the way exactly what he's doing - when he leaves the restaurant, when he gets home, when he wakes up and when he leaves to meet us, so I don't sit and wait for him to show up.  

Past trip derailments have included:

1.  Friend's birthday party on an island only accessible by a ferry.   He had a work event that he really wanted to attend the night before.  Had to spent the entire Saturday of a weekend trip trying to track him down because we would have to meet him at the ferry when he arrived, and phone reception was spotty.   He was hungover and barely made the last ferry.  Birthday friend almost killed him.
2.  Destination wedding in a fairly remote wooded area.    I stayed late at the rehearsal dinner.   He took the kids back to the place we were staying.  I arrived at the place late and he wasn't there.  He didn't bring his wallet to the rehearsal dinner (why?  something about it being uncomfortable in his pants), hadn't charged his phone, and didn't have gas in the car.   Ended up in another state looking for gas.  Barely made it back on fumes, I had to spend the next day coordinating someone getting him a ride to the gas station (the closest one was over 10 miles away) and convincing him to then go get gas and come back, while he insisted that he would do it later and had enough time.  He showed up late to the wedding after getting gas.  Bride still hates me.
3.  Every trip we took while he was in school.  He always just had "one quick assignment" to finish that he would just knock out in the car on the way there.  This means at least one day of the trip would be spent waiting hours (the longest one clocked in at 7 hours) for him to finish whatever assignment was due.  
4.  Any time I try to go anywhere without him.  He will remember at the last minute that he needs something from the store and wants to run out and grab it before I leave.  (He's going to be home with the kids.)  One of my friends, even if we're just going out to dinner will even remind me to leave early to give him time to disappear for an hour as soon as I say I'm leaving.
5.  Heck, even the last trip we took.  I had him pack the night before.  Told him that I would meet him at his work so I could leave straight from there.  Whoops!  Last minute work situation, then he forgot something, didn't eat lunch and needed to stop for food along the way.  Ended up at the hotel with the fancy kid's pool 45 minutes before the pool closed.  After check-in, kids had about 20 minutes on the waterslides.    We were only staying one night on the way to somewhere else.  
 

I don't really need advice about this.  We usually take separate trips, but I really want to take family vacations sometimes.   I set expectations and don't plan around him so much anymore, but it's still frustrating.  I'd like to hear your stories about planning trips and how you cope with someone who forgets that you exist if he can't actually see you.