Newbie here Hi!

First I was reading on here the other day and someone mentioned this book 

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents 

Thank you to who ever mentioned it! It was like reading my whole life story. This is my relationship with my ADHD husband to a T. 

Now he has read it also but I think it flew right over his head. At least the part about what emotional connection is.

But anyhow, we have been in counseling individually. My question is has anyone had their spouse go do EDMR therapy? And results? He is going to go but I just don't know if my specific issues with him will get any better. The lack of joy, intimacy, awareness, ..ect. you all know. 

I am looking for advice or success stories. Long story short - I've been with my husband for 13 years, married for 11.5. We only realized he had ADHD last summer, and have spent the last 9 months learning a ton about it. I have been realizing how much it impacts our relationship and signed us up for the seminar from Jan - March, and had plans to work with an ADHD therapist once it wrapped. Unfortunately, my husband - unbeknownst to me - decided he was overwhelmed with ADHD and didn't like feeling like all the issues were his fault (I tried so hard to NOT communicate this, he has a lot of shame he is struggling with) and he decided to have an emotional online affair (with some sexting) starting in february. I found out one week after the webinar series ended, and he moved out a week later (his choice). I've spent the last few weeks in limbo, which him saying he isn't sure if he wants to work on things with us because it is overwhelming and he isn't sure we can fix things and he doesn't like how much of it is tied to ADHD. So he is in some denial, also struggling with hope. and still talking to his affair partner.

I am devastated, especially because he had another affair 6 years ago that I don't feel we properly healed (that one was a one night stand). However, doing the seminar series and reading Melissa's books have been like the heavens opening. Everything in our relationship finally makes sense! I have so much hope that if we can commit and dig in, we can ABSOLUTELY turn things around and get to a really good place.

What I am struggling with is 1) he won't end the affair yet and it is (maybe literally)  killing me and 2) he is feeling all sorts of things and is very unsure. I am looking for advice around how to take care of myself through this to extend my hope so we can (hopefully) at least have a chance to try, and advice around what I should do to support him through this. He has not responded well to me sharing what I am learning, he refuses to read the books, he barely paid attention to the seminar, so he just doesn't realize that there are tools and answers. However he does like to talk to me a few times a week and only wants to talk about things he deems as "not hard conversations." Which is confusing. I do not want to walk away without trying with the right tools. I know i cannot control him and he may well give up, which will be devastating, but I am hoping for advice on what i CAN do and especially for people who have walked a similar path, and if anyone has walked it and succeeded in healing and has any advice.

I have been hoping over the past few months that I could finally see a way past my husband's constant insistence that he will make immediate changes to his lack of follow through. I am now beginning to believe that will never occur. He removed my check writing pen from my desk for the umpteenth time and I had a melt down yesterday; I fully admit that I acted inappropriately. He is unable to understand that I have my own desk and belongings, and that he should respect that; his response is that I should keep more pens at my desk (tried that previously and he simply took them all till none were remaining). I tried to talk to him about setting up a repayment plan for our equity line that he has maxed out with his business debt, but he accused me of being paranoid and panic stricken; for the first time, I really felt as if he was gaslighting me. After nearly 40 years together, I do love him but this is tearing me apart. We have been to counselors many times over the years, but the response from him is always the same: he does not know why he does these things and will just try harder -- it never works. I have already removed him from our savings account to safeguard what few assets I have left to me, and believe I will now have to decide, on my own, how to proceed. I just feel so very sad that he no longer treats me as if I am important enough to matter. His clients and work are most important due to his actions. I told him yesterday that he does not need to have an affair since his work is his mistress.

I have no one else to talk to about these things (Mom is 91, best friend is not married, etc.). Counselor has told me to grieve for what is lost and move on. I am not certain I can do so in the same house as it is just too chaotic and causes me a lot of anxiety. Rather than work on anything difficult, he tells me his is sleep deprived, distracted, and has too much work to do (for his clients) -- same story, same refrain -- why am I unable to realize that it is no longer "us" but just "him."

I have read several books and am very grateful for their insights.  Yet, I am the non-ADHD partner and some days wonder if I will truly ever have a companion, someone to confide in or that is even capable of loving me back.  We actually live separately at the moment (due to work) and it has been a blessing to be reminded of what is important to me and who I actually am (that person has been lost for some time).  It has also provided a window to see just how chaotic/drama-filled he makes his life and how much his adult children add to it.  He is 55, probably ADHD his whole life based on stories I've heard but it is unthinkable to use the term ADHD because that would be admitting a chink in the armor. So, approaching methods to help him are always challenging and have to be done so delicately as not to spark the RSD.  To top it off, now that we are apart (he's supposed to join me as he figures things out with his own work) he has gone back to his 'pot' habit, which he does with his daughters, and that is how they define family fun. The relationship he has wit his daughters is a whole different can of worms, but suffice it to say, they take no notice to their dad's traits and condition.  The pot use decreases his ability to have any sense of good judgment or perception and increases his forgetfulness, as you might imagine, but it also, over time, makes him that much more irascible. I am not a pot smoker, and while it may have value medicinally, that is not how it is being used by the three of them. (perhaps more for a different day)

This leads me to my current dilemma and hope for some sort of advice.  Yesterday was my birthday, it went by without any notice from him. I don't need gifts and a big gala, but it was disappointing to not have any acknowledgement.  Now, I find myself wondering how to process it because it seems like a microcosm of everything important in a relationship (communication, trust, etc). Even if I bring it up, does it really matter? Will anything ever "stick"? How does one impress upon an unraveled ADHD/VAST person about what is important and how to reel it in for their happiness and yours?  Like I said, I've read A LOT of material and am fairly educated, but this feels like a tangled ball of yarn.

I'm just sad, don't know where to turn and wonder if I stay in this relationship (3 years) will there ever be companionship or just caregiving?

Thank you for allowing me to share this, and hopefully there are others who can share pearls of wisdom.