Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Clinginess by: kanka 3 years 5 months ago

    I'm sorry that this isn't a post strictly about a romantic relationship. It is however a post about one of the closest people to me - my best friend, and you have all been so supportive when I went through a breakup with my ADHD boyfriend and I have found so much solace in this forum that I want to seek some advice.

    I experienced this a year ago with my former boyfriend - and now I'm experiencing this with my best friend (hyperactive ADHD). They're basically suffocating me in our relationship in the constant need for us to meet. I love spending time together and it's one of the deepest and most fulfilling friendships I've ever had, but I feel like they have the entire month planned out to the minute and every my attempt to say no is met with their huge nagging to rearrange my other plans - and disappointment. I'm also an introvert who values their alone time, and like my own space. And I'm also a self-diagnosed people pleaser... so hard to say a plain and definitive no. 

    I remember an illustrative example from my relationship (and I think this is why this kind of behavior now triggers me in other people, because I had so much of it in the past). We went for a day trip with my ex boyfriend, lasting from 7 am to 11 pm, spending together every moment of the day, and at the end of it, when we came back home, it ended up in a big fight that I didn't want to stay up and party through the night. No amount of time seemed to ever be enough for him. This now seems to be the case with my friend. We have holidays planned together in a couple of days and I told them I'm unable to meet up beforehand (I'm newly self-employed so all my business depends on my diligence and keeping up with projects, sometimes I have to work at nights or on the weekend and sacrifice meeting friends those days, I do try to make it  up in quality time). They are however very disappointed and not speaking to me because of this. I mean we have almost 3 weeks together planned in a couple of days.

    What do I do? It seems like it comes down to fulfilling my own needs versus their needs and I always feel bad about putting mine before theirs because they seem very disappointed in me. I don't want to lose them but I can't feel guilty all the time like I am now!

    Thank you

  • ADHD partner says he wants to end the relationship by: paperbackwriter 3 years 5 months ago

    Is this common in ADHD relationships? Has it happened to you before and how do you deal it?

    We dated for about 2 years before getting married. During periods of high stress, which also means frequent alcohol use, he will say he wants out of the relationship so this is nothing new. He has a tendency to say things he doesn't really mean (ADHD). Usually at some point the next day, usually by the evening, he starts coming back to his usual self. We both hold a high regard for the sacredness of marriage, and both feel that our love and trust for each other is unbreakable. We hold the same views about marriage - it is binding for a reason. You work through your issues, and it's not easy.

    Since we've gotten married (coming up on 1 year), there have been a couple stressful periods where he has said he wants a divorce during an angry outburst. He has never truly meant it before... the other day he said it again. This time felt different, he was initially angry but then got sad. I think he took off his wedding ring. He said he has been abusing me and he can't do that to me anymore. He had plans to hang out with a friend last night so I haven't really talked to him. He's been under incredible stress at work, and I feel like he's not thinking properly. The day before he said he wanted a divorce, we talked about how we can get through anything together, and how we as a couple were made for it. Yesterday he mentioned he doesn't feel like anything is real. I really don't want our relationship to end, we have so much love and understanding for each other and have gotten so much better as a couple throughout the years. I'm worried that this time he means it...but it would be so out of character if he does. We have a lot to work on, but I feel like we're just getting started...it's not like we've exhausted options in any way.

     

  • Help and heal broken relationship by: ESZTER 3 years 5 months ago

    Hi, All, 

     

    I am happy to find this webpage. I guess, my story here is a quite typical one. I have been dating a non treated ADD partner for several months (8). During which, we could really connect. We shared a lot of information about ourselves (inner wise): our childhood traumas, info about our parents, current anxieties, etc. It was going well, actually I felt safe and also supported. I could also give that support, although I did not want to jump in a relationship with him and I had talked about it at the begining of our relationship. He seemed to like the fact that we were taking things slow. The last couple of months were a bit tight in our relationship, as I was also going through some anxiety issues and I talked about them. It was tense but I thought it will eventually pass. My grandmother got sick several times back then and she was taken to the hospital. They told me that in order to take care of her, there might be restrictions if I did not get vaccinated (now, in covid times). So I managed to get it, although I knew this might create some problems with my partner, as he was utterly against it. Actually he warned all the people he could to not to take it. I respected his ways, I am not a pro-vaccine person but I took it, because I thought it was the right thing to do. As I mentioned it before, it was a tense period and I was also copying with my own things and these circumstances made me not to offer explanation about my decision to take the vaccine. There was this mayor issue with my granma, but I thought, I just got it and eventually we would talk about it later. Well... we did not. The day I got the vaccine and I told him (wanting to explain), he exploded and told me I abandoned him in his battle. Also that I put my comfort over his and he could not be with someone who does not respect his beliefs. I was so shocked I could not even react. After that, he hang up on me. We see each other several times per week as we trained together (he is my coach), we have a sport club together. First he was hostile, traying to engame me (only by texting) into his rage. After a while he changed and was nice. Now he is playing mind games by being nice (like: do you need help with this or that?) one time and mean, the other. A month went by. I need help to figure out how can I help and mend the relationship. I have incredible patience and I love him. I looked up ADD (he told me he had it under control, although he was not doing therapy while we were together). I have been studying buddhism for quite some time also and developed inner strength. I think I could mend it or improve it, if I had the tools and the knowledge. I am still thinking about telling him the whole granma issue (bc that was what made me take the vaccine and he still does not know this....), but I am not sure if facts can actually help. 

    Thank you for your help and support!

     

    Regards,

     

    Eszter

  • ADD wife- communicating w/ husband by: Unicorn44 3 years 5 months ago

    Hello Everyone, 

    Grateful for this group, it's given me perspective on how the non-ADHD partner feels. I'm the ADD wife, partner to a non-ADHD (logical, pragmatic,focused).  We have amazing chemistry, but I'm now learning that is not enough. My husband and I are very close to getting a divorce at this point. He can't stand to be with someone who can't remember conversations, doesn't know how to be present, and get's defensive when asked to do something I've been told repeatedly before. Does anyone know what effectively works in communicating w/ my spouse? I've tried ADHD coach and stimulants (he hated how emotionally blunt/apathetic I became)...So my questions are also tailored to people with ADD who can effectively communicate- what strategies made that effective? If it's not even possible, I'll get divorced now and save him from having to deal with this, I just need to know... It's not an anger issue for me, I don't get angry. I'm about to start Strattera, hoping that could help with conversations.

    Please focus on the communication as other issues are not the deal breaker- we both contribute equally financially, we set aside every week to date each other, & we're equally divided in the chores...none of this changes the fact that I forget details of conversations. I have no doubt that if someone were to fire me questions about my spouse, I would do a very good job of answering them accurately (he agrees to this). Despite agreeing to this, he repeatedly says how he feels like I don't even know him after all these years, feels like we're talking for the first time. It's like the movie 50 First Dates every day. 

    Thanks for your help, much appreciated 

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Loneliness, lack of patience, and little to no intimacy- ADHD Wife by: ceveland 3 years 5 months ago

    Hello everyone!

    My wife has been diagnosed, within the last year, with ADHD and various disorders associated with ADHD. We will be married 10 years this year and, like many in the book, have had ADHD symptoms and my reactions to these symptoms take a toll on our marriage over the years. Just last night, I expressed my need for more attention from my ADHD spouse. I was met with frustration and her argument that she has "been better lately". I am truly trying to be patient, and I know overcoming this together takes time. But the repeating feelings of loneliness, lack of affection and just not feeling at all wanted by my spouse continues to eat at me. I do not know if I need to do more to cope myself, or if I need to do more for my spouse, but it is as if I see her attention placed to anyone but me. It hurts, it is deteriorating my self esteem and I don't know what I need to do to make it better or to assist the process. What has worked for you? What can I do to help myself and my spouse? Should I just suck it up and be more patient? I find myself lashing out and becoming more angry the more I experience these feelings. Please help!!! I will do whatever it takes.

    Thanks!

  • Anger and emotional reactivity - untreated partner by: Rebecca Cresswell 3 years 5 months ago

    Hi Everyone 

    I am new to this forum and looking for any advise as I'm alone with all this. I feel quite lonely and have become low in mood and trapped with a load of bottled up frustration,  about my relationship.  I'm totally confused about the way forward and whether I can even see a future a man who I have sent with fir 16 years .  My partner is suspected adhd but this does not  rule out comorbid conditions also like oppositional defiant disorder  and personality disorders like he mental health assessor once indicated. .  He has waited 3 years for a diagnosis for adhd and had a final video assessment around 2 months ago. still nothing back from the assessment centre.  He is 56 and I am 41, 15 years ago I met him.  He seemed chilled out some days  but others terribly irritable and had intensely negative feelings if he was triggered he was volatile. I  had no clue to begin with why this was.  I find 16 years in, I am becoming resentful and low most days as I simply can't cope with his negative outbursts to anything that sets him off, the cycle of obsessive ideas and complaints and being overlooked has become too much in the last few months .  My partner is a strange mix, he is extremely clingy and hates being alone with his own thoughts but he can be kind, sensitive , genius and the Byers tiny bit Intensely codependent on me  too . He wants to be with me ALL the time and resents I have to work full time and currently am choosing to work overtime.    I usually keep quiet and bite my lip when he rants but he  just seems so down on life which is exhausting and notices the negative people in life  .  He always states it's the way I am and you just have to deal with it!  He usually has bad road rage or vents a lot to the TV holds my ranting conversations at night? . Not to the extent he would get out the car and hit someone with Rd rage, just really bad language at absolutely anyone that's slow or makes the wrong  move etc. He is hugely impatient towards anyone especially me. So I am always slightly anxious about doing things quick enough. I am recognised  how I'm loosing me and just trying to curb myself so he's not irritated most of the time!
    6 months ago he stopped using cannabis I was proud of him for doing this but in the back of my mind I knew all hell would break loose as selfishly weed seemed to calm his mind and dampen his anger towards things he spotted that triggered him like people's bad driving, people getting in his way , moving to slow, me doing saying the wrong thing and his dreadful impatience .  His symptoms of hyper focus, reactivity, moodiness , no sleep and constant spiralling  ideas and complaining at everything and anything take it's toll on me.  My partner can't hold down a job because of his reactions and outbursts to Management in places of work. I'm the earner and am working too hard and doing over time every weekend now  to compensate  but to top it off this makes him feel like he can't be a provider and not a man.   He's not interested in sex without the weed anymore he says he's depressed so it's an unspoken taboo .  I nolonger feel like making love to someone that seems to me so irritable, it saps my energy.  To top it off he looks at porn ALOT bordering on obsessional I believe? So I feel even more like there is a lack of connection .  I tried to speak about this subject recently and ask him if the there was anything we could do to change things? He just became annoyed and stated because I worked a half day on a Saturday there was no longer time to think about sex and I was always too tired in the week so he had to except this.
    The reality is at times at the weekend when I do try to initiate romance he's not into it  live making at the weekend he is nolonger driven .  He stops up until 3am every night doing whatever  and then sleeps in till 12pm or 1 pm everyday of the week.  He says there is no reason for him to get up at the weekend as I work till mid day so he then blames his lack of motivation to me because I'm working?? . Everything always rests on my shoulders never his which is why I now feel very hurt and extremely  indifferent about him.  He does have money and an inheritance so he is looking to set a business up but he keeps going from one idea to the next and never settles at anything?? He can be ve our outs to an extent although does not wish to spend his inheritance on bills really. So therefore I'm working more so that I have a safety net for me! 

    I I'm so tired emotionally .  I just want to leave in one sense but he's in another when he's calm and upbeat around 20% of the week (if I'm lucky) he's the man I love again.  I really don't know away forward I can't cope with his awful irritability and obsessiveness and problems trigger him greatly and we just end up rowing as he feels personally attacked.   Then I  retreat to being with my own thoughts for weeks biting my lip and my lowness has turned to depression? 

    as mentioned my partner has never received any treatment since a little boy. Can anyway advise f there may be hope for us with treatment? I am drained and feel empty . 
     

  • Helping my ADHD wife by: ceveland 3 years 5 months ago

    Hello everyone!

    I am new to this forum and recently started the audible book about this topic. My wife has ADHD and I did not realize how it impacted our marriage. It was as if the book was reading our life stories in how we both react to one another. She has recently started medication to help, but I would love to do more to help her. I have been a big part of the problem in the past and want to do whatever I can to assist her in the process. Thoughts? Ideas? What has worked for you?

     

    Thanks!

  • My husband and I both have ADHD by: MrsPedros 3 years 5 months ago

    Been married four years. Any other "double winners" in here?

  • ADHD husband and poor memory by: mysticlvr 3 years 5 months ago

    My husband has adhd. He does not take his medications. He constantly accuses me (and gets so frustrated/mad at me) of not telling him things that I definitely told him or claims something didn't happen that did. He says I have the bad memory. When I show him proof (emails with dates, screenshots, txts etc), he refuses to acknowledge  it and still ignores/avoids me. He sometimes says I live in my own reality I make up and he makes me question my sanity but I really do think it's HIM. I've been asking to go to therapy for two years now, or have him go, but he refuses. He won't take his meds either and doesn't want me medicating our son, who also has adhd.

    Advice? I feel like if we can't get past this, it could end the marriage. 

  • Dealing with Lies by: ebecoat01 3 years 5 months ago

    So, for some time now I have been dealing with my wife and her ADHD. Lately I have noticed that we have been getting into more and more arguments by the week. The arguments always start off as innocent conversations. Somehow someway she redirects the conversation to something that has happened in the past. I'm not one for bringing the past up because it belongs where it is; in the past! When bringing the past up, the stories always seem to change when she she is telling it. She begins to tell lies about what actually happened and it pisses me off when she does it. She does this constantly and I don't understand why? Has anyone experienced their spouse and the lying?

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