I'm the one with diagnosed ADHD in my relationship. Yet, I found myself only relating to the 'non ADHD partner' descriptions in the book. 

Here's the overview of my situation:

I have ADHD, late diagnosis (I'm 25). I was diagnosed recently, and so I met my partner pre diagnosis and treatment. I had always been on a mission to 'fix myself' pre diagnosis, and read a lot of self help books with inconsistent results. Since being diagnosed and medicated I'm feeling the best I've ever felt and am able to start taking control of my life in a way I always wanted so badly. I exercise religiously, and take a huge amount of care of my diet without being too restrictive in an unhealthy way. Making sure I eat small meals throughout the day with enough protein to keep my brain running optimally, plus fish oil supplements and melatonin at night to regulate my sleep cycle (the latter being the most recent and hard fought for change, my sleep has always been difficult).

My partner has Bipolar, diagnosed and well managed long before I met her. Plus a recent diagnosis of hasimotos disease, something she's been suffering with for a very long time without getting any answers. She was diagnosed very recently but knew she had some sort of chronic health issue before we met, so it's always been a part of our lives. We have also suspected ADHD and she's booked in to be assessed, but who knows given that the other illnesses have cross-over symptoms?

We met, we got along intensely well, we progressed quickly, typical of an ADHD relationship I've heard. Here's the thing, I'm the one feeling left in the dust. I want to spend time with her and feel the connectedness I felt during our first few months. She doesn't fully get it, and can feel very connected to me while spending her days playing computer games. I try to converse with her, and she get's distracted by the cat. I'm extremely sick of talking about the cat. I feel resentful and lonely. We've had a lot of long and difficult conversations about how there's an unfair labor division when it comes to household chores. I feel so much better when I'm in a clean and organised environment, it really helps the ADHD brain. I need things to be organised so that I don't have to exhaust myself looking in 50 different places for the items needed to complete one task and so I have spent a lot of energy trying to maintain and improve the house.. and yet I was being thwarted by the amount of mess she was creating. Recently that aspect has gotten a lot better though and I've been able to spend time on my hobbies again. 

Our relationship though, it's still incredibly sad to me. I don't feel that any of the things that I considered our special qualities have remained after we moved in together. I feel so lost and alone. It's starting to feel hopeless. We spent the first day in a very long time feeling connected and doing something fun a few days ago. We were working on a home improvement project together, and then watched a movie. That was maybe 4 hours, and then she ate something that seemed to bring on a very intense bout of sickness. We're not sure yet if it's a hashimoto's flair up, or if it was an unrelated miagraine or food intolerence.. but this sort of thing is extremely typical. She's so sickly, which is really unfair on her. Having said that, I don't think she does enough to prevent these chronic health issues. Hashimoto's disease from what I've read, is very food and exercise sensitive. You're supposed to cut out thing's that your body is sensitive to, and make sure to do low impact exercise regularly. She has been more careful about her diet than she had been earlier in our relationship, but she still loves to eat pizza and also forgets to eat for long periods of the day. Plus being quite addicted to energy drinks and smoking. Along with not having a regular exercise routine.

I can't live this life with her anymore. I feel isolated by her illness, and by the responsibilities of this house and trying to maintain a connection to her. So often I'll miss a call from my friends because I'm crying, having an argument with her, or finally having a nice moment with her that I don't want to interupt.. and so it's affecting my connectedness with my friends too. Not to mention that my work has also been affected, this is all so exhausting and inconsistent that it's hard for me to maintain a routine. By the way I feel the need to explain this as I've seen that a lot of ADHD partners have out of control finances and put a lot of strain on their partners: our finances are completely separate and we both split everything 50/50, so my work being affected doesn't put any more financial strain onto her what so ever. I have savings and investments in stock that I can dip into if in financial trouble..

When I put it all down like this, it seems obvious that this just wasn't meant to be. But I'm still holding on to something.. it's difficult to let go. 

Married for 39 years to someone who was diagnosed years ago, tried medication, but was not convinced it was for him. He has managed to be fairly successful in his business, but finances have always been a topic we could not discuss since he felt I was overly concerned about budgeting and planning for future. His idea of a budget is to "make more money" to pay the bills.

He has now maxed out our Equity Line to pay for business expenses that are out of control, and is only paying somewhat over minimum each month to pay it off. This has put me in a situation that we are unable to save or even plan for a vacation or retirement. His business expenses are not controlled in any manner, and whenever I try to set up a time convenient to him to discuss finances, something always comes up in his schedule to push the meeting off. We were to have a meeting today (scheduled a month ago), but he is too stressed and busy with work to even discuss it with me. I feel it does not even matter to him.

It is apparent we will NEVER be able to discuss finances. How do I plan for "my future" without him? I make a decent salary, and could live comfortably on my own, but resent that he has just given up on the relationship and chooses to put his clients and work before all else.

I am going back to our counselor next week. I need help in navigating a way forward. Every time I even try to speak to him, he accuses me of being critical. I am beginning to feel as if i AM the problem when I know it is both of us, but he refuses to accept responsibility (stating it is just all of the work stress he is under that makes him act this way).

How much longer to I wait for him to get his act together? We have discussed treatment but he feels he just needs to "try harder" - thus far that has not worked. I feel as if I am being tortured for wanting simple things like being able to pay the bills without worrying if we will have enough to do so the following month (he considers that paranoia). The only savings we have is because I put some of my paycheck aside. Last vacation was in 2005, and he is not interested in even scheduling anything. I am beginning to think I am depressed because I just do not see any way out of this situation except leaving. I do love him, but his behavior is killing me.

We left on Sunday.  There were problems right away as the twelve-year-old started complaining about fatigue and pains (which have been investigated with no cause found and are probably somatic) at the museum.  We then went to an amusement park.  Lots of complaining and conflict.  12 year old had a great time in the wave pool, but then my wife and I wanted to go on a specific rollercoaster.  They complained that we wouldn't be able to go on another roller coaster if we went on that one first.  My wife as getting pulled in and angry.  I proposed that I take the 12 year old to the roller coaster they wanted and my wife would have a chance to go on the rapids ride she likes.  My wife agreed.  When we were near the roller coaster they wanted, the 12 year old sat down and resumed complaining.  I waited patiently until they finally said they could go on it.  By then, we met my wife at the entrance because the rapids line was too long.  They kept complaining the rest of the time at the amusement park and accused me of pushing them to go on the roller coaster they wanted to go on!  They said they only said that the wanted to go on it because I had asked what they wanted to do when they did not want to go on the coaster my wife and I wanted.  We did get on a few more rides, including the big one we wanted.

When it came time to leave, my wife could not find her car keys!  She opened the care the the trunk, but then had know idea where they were.  I even moved the car to see if they were underneath.  Days later, she discovered they were in her waist pack.

My wife drove first.  The car started shaking, especially while standing still.  It also accelerated very poorly.  The 12 year old started whining about where we would have dinner.  We tried to explain that there were not that many places open late in the area so we had few to choose from and we had to go right away.  They kept arguing and my wife got more and more tense.  There was a fork in the road, and she would have crashed if I had not yelled to stop.  We decided not to drive to the next hotel and stayed local.  It was almost $1,000 to replace the coil, spark plugs, and transmission lines.  My wife agreed to cut the trip short, but she wanted to drive over a hundred miles north to see a minor league team that night.

After the game, we were in the car with the windows open before she was ready to drive away.  I rested my right hand on the top of the window as I often do when the windows are open.  Immediately after she started driving, without warning, she rolled up the windows and trapped my hand!  It hurt like Hell.  I screamed and she said that she thought I was yelling about some problem on the road.  I then yelled "My hand!" and "My hand is trapped!"  Nothing.  I had her phone navigating in my left hand and I was in pain, so I did not reach over to my right side to roll down the window.  She says that she lowered it as soon as "it registered" that my had was trapped, but I had to yell specifically for her to lower it.  This led to a huge fight in a gas station parking lot.    There were lots of excuses about why she raised the windows without warning and why she did not lower it.  I took a break.  I then told her that 1) that instead of making excuses, she should just own up to it and admit that she should have either have checked with me before rolling up my window or have asked me to roll it up myself and 2) she needs to stop making excuses for why she won't get her ADHD treated.

We drove a hundred miles south to another hotel.  She wanted to do several things on the way home AND take local roads instead of the highway.  I pointed out we would get home really late.  So there was fighting about that.  Then we fought about the ADHD issue.  It was agreed that I would drive on the highway at night because she wanted to avoid that.

We stopped at a restaurant along the way and my wife said she wanted to drive back over a different bridge than Google said to use.  That wound up taking us back north and on a twistier and darker highway than the one she wanted to avoid.  (I avoid driving on high bridges whenever possible, especially when I am already tense.)  Our twelve-year-old started telling to her and i said to wait because her mother was driving in a really tense situation.  I was trying to back her up as she always tells me I do not do enough.  What happens?  She contradicts me and tells the 12 year old that it isn't that bad!   It was another case of "which you do you want me to back up?"  I felt like a foll.  When we got across the bridge, we went onto yet another dark and twisty highway and I took over.  Then the gas light went on!  This road did not have any rest stops.  Nor did it have any shoulders!  I was really nervous, but my wife basically said that I shouldn't worry and invalidated my fears that we would run out of gas.

We got home close to midnight.  I tried to get to sleep, only to have the 12 year old knock on our door because their psychotic symptoms were getting worse and that voices had been screaming at them for an our.  Also, they felt like they were covered in dog drool.  ironically, they wanted to take the dog downstairs and sleep on the couch.  My wife did not feel comfortable with that and insisted that they sleep with her.  I tried to sleep on the couch, but it was covered in grit, probably a combination of crumbs and dirt.  I wound up sleeping on the dining room floor with a sleeping bag.

My wife says that she will try harder to set up an appointment with an adult ADHD specialist.  I once again found the numbers psychiatrists and therapists for her to try.  I even narrowed it down to a short list of those that included information about ADHD in their PsychologyToday bios--not just in the list of things they treat.  One therapist says she is certified in ADHD.

Hello all, 

Lately, my days have been overcome by fear and grief. Shock at the reality of who my partner really is. That I cannot trust anything he says he will do - the integrity and self-efficacy I admire in others, isn't in my partner. It was ME that had to beg him to get the diagnosis, see a specialist, and try stimulant medication. His life without such things, is dysfunctional. As in, cannot work, can hardly feed himself or clean up after himself. I feel really sad just sharing this. Like, why did I think this person was someone I could help - and why did I want to get so involved? When, for years, he has existed this way, and I now feel like I will never be taken care of, feel secure, or even feel safe and connected in any long-term situation. I will be a permanent caregiver.

I've poured countless hours into understanding the ADHD, staying up all night watching all the lectures, reading all the books I could find. And now? I'm just not sure I want to sign up for this. A healthy relationship has enough demands on it, but throw ADHD into the mix and now I'm responsible for taking care of a grown man? Reminding him of when his dental appointments are? Making all the plans, because his fell through? Soothing him after he forgot to finish something and has a meltdown about it? It feels like chaos. 

I have no control over this, and neither does he. And all it does is make me feel unsafe, unloved, neglected, fearful, and completely exhausted. Why am I doing this. What does this do for my life, my growth, my independence, my happiness. There are so many support groups now for ADHD, and I start to fear that everyone is constantly struggling, that there is no true recovery. Maybe meds will make him more focused and efficacious, but what if it simultaneously makes him aggressive and mean and distant? What if, because he is now so focused, he pours all of that energy into finishing all the projects he's had for years? Instead of pouring any of that into nurturing the relationship? I'm just, so sad. I don't think it is healthy to be thinking such things, to have these fears and low faith, and still be with him. It's not fair to him, or me.