Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • My ADHD husband will not talk to family on the phone when I'm around...help!? by: Lori D. 3 years 1 month ago

    I just don't know what to do anymore.  My husband was diagnosed with ADHD July 2021, and began medication.  We've been married/together for 20 years and this has always been an issue for me.  My husband never talks to his family when I'm around.  He intentionally ignores their calls, or waits until he leaves the house to call damn near everyone in his immediate family.  I've brought this up to him and how it bothers me that we've been together all this time and he still can't seem to call or receive a call from any of them near me.  He claims it's because he doesn't want to interfere with our time together.  Yet when he wants to go visit them (they live a few states away) he wants me to go with him to help him with any anxiety he has about traveling.  When I express my concerns, he claims he's going to start taking/receiving calls to help bridge some of the gap between his family and myself.  Great, I'm all for it.  But, it never happens.  He continues the same behavior.

    This just happened last week.  His sister called at 10:30pm and he ignored her call and texted her a lie that he was in bed.  He was sitting in his recliner.  I told him, she called at 10:30pm, she knows your home and she knows your with me, how is it not a problem for her to talk to you when I'm around, but you can't talk with her?  This is not the first time.  Of course he gets defensive because my approach to the subject wasn't the right one.  I'm so used to the defense at this point, I call him on it immediately which usually calms him a little.  Not this time.  For whatever reason, he continues to defend his actions.  He again says "I'm going to do it, but you don't allow that to happen".  So, OK.  I wait and sure enough, he leaves the house a few days later and immediately calls his sister.  After he comes home, he tells me a story about how he was talking to his sister and something she said stuck with him.  Of course, I ask the dreaded question..."when did you talk to her?"  He immediately hesitates to answer, I'm assuming it was my approach again.  Nope, this time he yells at me that I never give him any opportunity to prove himself, and how he wishes I trusted him and his word.  When I tell him that I would love to believe and trust him, but his actions and his words don't always match and it causes me to question things.  Immediately, he's angry and the argument begins to spiral out of control.  I'm still trying to respond calmly, but at this point, he's pushing every button I have to get a rise out of me.  I usually fall for this at least once in every argument.  I fell for it...again.  The entire time I was speaking, his lips were moving and I could hear him, but I had enough at that point, he wasn't listening anymore.  I yelled at him to just shut up already.  He took this as a threat and a reason to jump out of his chair, push me out of the way and claim he now has to leave.  He threatens to leave me often, another ADHD topic for another thread.

    I understand and empathize with the fear and trepidation experienced if parts of his life cross over into other parts.  He doesn't just do it with me and his family.  He seems to compartmentalize his entire life.  He has interests that I know about and ask him about or show interest in, but he continues to research or watch videos on that topic while sitting right beside me and never say a word to me about it.  Now, don't get me wrong, I don't expect him to tell me everything, but if we're sitting there together in the evening and you're looking at something interesting, why wouldn't you want to share it with the one person you chose to spend the rest of your life with?  It's not like they are sensitive subjects, it's usually video games or reaction videos.  

    I feel like I'm only married to parts of him and that makes me feel like he's hiding/lying something or he tells them a completely different story of his life with me and doesn't want me to hear it.  It makes me feel like they don't like me, which he denies, but I fully believe based on both past encounters and some things my husband has let slip. 

    Does anyone have any experience with their spouse compartmentalizing their life?  I'm at a loss and don't know how to deal with this issue.  

  • And of course she forgot... by: bowlofpetunias 3 years 1 month ago

    My wife was supposed to have her first meeting with a therapist who specializes in ADHD.  During out couples session, however, she said that she had to reschedule it because she forgot to do the paperwork!

    There was also a lot of stress last night while I was trying to work on an important (potential life saving) project.  The 12 year old kept interrupting me as I was responding to edits suggested by an attorney.  Part of their complaint was that my wife kept failing to take them to a thrift store as promised.  My wife justified this by saying she has so much to do and can't be expected to remember everything, so she made these promises and then had to reschedule repeatedly because she forgot about other commitments.  The 12 year old said that Mom keeps lying to them about this.  I told my wife that she needs to think carefully about whether or not she can do something before she promises to do it.  She became really upset later because our 18 year old had also said he can't trust her because of all the broken promises (such as repeated promises of trips to Disney.) 

    This why treating her ADHD is so important.  She doesn't want the kids to distrust her, but she has yet to work on building that trust by making only promises she can keeo.

  • A New Marriage Reckoning by: Shaky1 3 years 1 month ago

    I’m so grateful for finding this community. I’ve been questioning my sanity and reading these posts made me feel so much better, yet so deeply saddened. I’ve only been married to my beloved for a few months but in that blink of time my world turned upside down leaving my head spinning, chronic chest pain, and overwhelmed with anxiety. The thing is my husband is a good person with no clue that his symptoms wreak havoc on everyone he encounters. He laughs off comments from others, claiming he’s just “quirky and crazy but that’s just me and I should be accepted for who I am.” Yeah, okay. But try giving your whole heart and soul to a man that leaves you feeling duped, lonely, exhausted, and crushed. I am (was) an extremely bubbly, happy, easy-going gal that can roll with change, accept, and get along with all kinds of people. I have a reputation for being a calming influence on people. Until this. Pardon me for saying, what the hell? I don’t recognize myself anymore. I get SO frustrated I sometimes get into a state I have to shut down to regroup. He made the comment I’m “controlling”. Well he can’t leave the house without forgetting something and then has to call me over and over to remember what he’s supposed to do. So I make him a list and I’m controlling? He constantly interrupts, talks incessantly, taking any conversation off into eleventy (yes, I made that number up) different directions, without ever addressing the actual issue, and yet I’m the one with the problem. “Why can’t you just let these little things go?” He has flat out lied to me and does so often, yet I don’t think he knows he’s doing it, his perception is so skewed and memory so poor. He is the king of B.S.’ing and trying to contain my eyeroll as he goes off is torture. I’ve tried talking to him about it. You all know how that went. So once I figured out what this is, started reading about ADHD and realizing this is our reality, grief came crashing down on me and I can’t shake it. I need to turn my thinking around and get my positive attitude back. I am a (smart!) middle-aged woman that is actually an idiot that got herself in WAY over her head. After an abusive 1st husband I stayed single for over 10 years so feel like I made this choice and have to deal with it. But I'm mourning the expectations I held of our relationship. He has moments of such sweetness and I do love him dearly. He noticed that I’m not myself and asks what is wrong but can’t pay attention if I try to answer. I’m lost and feel like I will not survive this.

  • Does anyone have experience with medication affecting empathy and other feelings? by: Free 3 years 1 month ago

    I am new in here. So I'm sorry if this has been discussed a lot before. I am curious to hear if anyone has any experience with medication and if it effects empathy? My husband lacks affective empathy and perspective taking. It has lead to a lot of pain and hurt feelings. He has this need to be completely honest and open. And will say "it's just who I am". He's not purposfully mean, but it does lead to deeply hurt feelings when he needs to express what his thoughts and feelings are and they are often very negative towards me. Or he even expresses how he feels about other women etc. He gets frustrated and sad when I feel hurt, and he is confused and doesn't know what to do because "it's who I am, and I don't know how I can do things differently while at the same time being authentic". He also struggles a lot with getting in touch with his emotions and will often just say he doesn't know what and how he feels. Most of his feelings are negative. Like frustration, irritation, resentment etc. He seems to almost never feel happiness or love etc. He is untreated, but is being diagnosed. So my question is: Do you as a partner or someone with ADHD yourself have any experience with increase in empathy, getting in touch with feelings and/or feeling more positive feelings like love and happiness when finally medicated?  

  • Flabergasted by: nonadhdhub 3 years 1 month ago

    non-ADHD guy married to ADHD gal. 2 kids. married for 10+ years...

    I never really understood what ADD/ADHD was other than an elementary-school kid acting wildly in class. After seeing a few random posts one day on social media recently and doing some quick research, I found the recommendation for Melissa Orlov's book. Read the first one, and for the first time in years, cried over the course of multiple days after realizing what we've been going through.

    My wife has been diagnosed and when she told me a couple years ago I just brushed it off as it being depression. But after reading the book and reviewing other research materials, no doubt in my mind that she does have ADHD. She's been off/on medications since she was diagnosed. Hasn't pursued any other treatment.

    All of the attributable symptoms of ADHD from my wife and their byproducts passed in to me by way of anger/doubt/frustration are present. Compound that with years of me not really understanding what this is and I just find myself not really understanding what to do long term. Part of me wants to figure this out. There's gotta be a way, right? But looking through these forums and all of the other resources makes me wonder if it's even worth the trouble? I've tried so hard, felt like I've done everything, beyond my fair share. And now I have to do even more? Try more? "Do things differently". When I fail, I'm a failure. When she fails, no worries, that's expected? Not sure I have much left to give.

    Love my kids so much and the main reason why its taken everything in me not to have left up to this point. But does it make more sense for the sake of my kids to leave? Would leaving mean I love them more, to try and show them examples of how to live and treat other people? But then if I do leave, I leave them at times with the person who maintains a house of squalor and dysfunction.

    I know that I have to figure out for myself and I know nothing I'm saying here is really anything new to ADHD or non-ADHD alike. Outside of therapists I don't really feel like anyone else would understand what I'm going through other than posting on here. So, just using this as an outlet to vent.

  • Partner with ADHD has left by: Aswat 3 years 1 month ago

    So I have been with my partner for 7 years. He is 40 and was diagnosed this year with ADHD.  He goes through spates of surviving and struggling.  He has a cocaine addict which is re inforced with heavy drinking.  The physcologist has told him he needs to drink and he was determined to do so.  However in the past month knowing this information his addiction have become worse. He are constantly arguing about it.  His daughter also for kicked out of her mother's house and has been staying and is causing issues.  This has lead to him walking out on me and getting his own place with her. I know he loves me as the day before we were making plans for our future, which is what we do on a regular basis. I am at a loss and severley concerned for his wellbeing. I don't know what to do for the best. He always calls our house his safe place but he's just walked away. 

  • Non-ADHD partner "does not need treatment" by: BeesInMyBrain 3 years 2 months ago

    Hi my wife and I have been together for 6 years, we have 4yo twin boys. I currently self identify as autistic and ADHD. I see the psychiatrist in 2 weeks for ADHD diagnosis and see autism team in December for ASD diagnosis. I am currently reading the affect of ADHD on marriage, I have suggested my wife read it also and/or we both seek individual or couples counseling. My wife has believes she does not need counseling and we do not have time. She has also told me she does not have the mental capacity to read more about my brain and to understand what I am going though. She wants me to change and fit her needs. I struggle to explain my needs to her. My biggest request would be that she reduces her negativity towards me and supports my decisions where possibly even if it would not be the way she does things. Decision paralysis is a big thing for me and even when I make a decision it frequently seems to be the wrong one. I get laughed at, yelled at, questioned why. When I try and explain things I seem to get it wrong. It would be easier for me if she could just read the book and begin to understand. We could try some strategies around communication and supporting each other. She says because she takes on most of the household and children responsibilities she does not have the capacity, however she is able to read a book about child rearing. Even if she could just read a paragraph or chapter at a time. Possibly when I get my ADHD diagnosis and start to figure out how to manage that better I can take some of her load.

  • Looking more like BPD for 12 year old by: bowlofpetunias 3 years 2 months ago

    I have suspected that our 12 year old has Borderline Personality disorder for sometime.  A few months ago, a ER nurse read BPD on their chart, but I had never heard of a diagnosis before.  Some BPD traits include swift changes of emotion with intense unprovoked rage, splitting, false accusations, unstable identity, signs of unstable relationships, impulsive behavior, self injury, suicidal ideation, and lying/manipulating.  I brought up this possibility with my wife during our horrible vacation (before we started fighting) based on their behavior at the amusement park.

    Saturday, the twelve year old tells me that they think the prior bipolar diagnosis was wrong because they think that their symptoms fit BPD better. And they also told me about fear of abandonment.

    Despite getting ready for their bat mitzvah, they are expressing a lot of interest in Islam.  They even wear hijab.  They blew up when my wife told them that the Rabbi would probably not approve of wearing Muslim dress during their own bat mitzvah.  I am also really concerned that their erratic behavior could offend real Muslims.  Just a couple of months ago, they were taking candles, carving runes into them. and lighting them for pagan gods.  They are writing a dystopian novel that involves lots gods from other religions.  They also appear to be getting most of their information on Islam from the internet--definitely a red flag.  Of course, they "know" whom to trust on the internet!  Sometimes they say they are just looking into converting in a few years, but at other times they act as if they think they have already converted.

    We have been in and out of ERs so much in the last 14 months that the doctors and nurses no longer take them seriously.  Psychiatric hospitals have also refused to admit them,.

  • ADHD and Aviation by: Psween 3 years 2 months ago

    Hi, first post. I and my wife agree that it is likely that I have ADHD and/or Executive functioning disorder, to some degree. I have never been formally evaluated or diagnosed. I am also heavily involved in aviation as an engineer,  mechanic, and pilot, although my flying is as a hobby, not a career. The FAA views an ADHD diagnosis as an automatic disqualifier for holding a pilot's license. There is no reasonable way that I know of to pass an FAA physical with a diagnosis on my record. I do want to find out how to better manage my syptoms, as I feel my marriage is suffering, but feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place with my passion, my wife, and the FAA. Any other pilots here, or other good advice?  Thanks,

    Patrick

  • Finally? by: bowlofpetunias 3 years 2 months ago

    My wife had promised to seek ADHD treatment over the summer now that we no longer have weekly meetings with our son's school counselor.  Nothing happened even though I sent her lists of in-network providers.  Then her therapist said he did not believe he was able to help her and said they should take a break.  She still did not schedule an appointment with one of the ADHD specialists I had sent her.  Then she rolled the windows up in the car without telling me, painfully trapping my hand.  She did not open it when I yelled "OW! OW! OW! My hand is trapped in the window!" several times.  She finally lowered the window when I specifically yelled "Lower the window!"  We had a big fight after that and I told her she needed to find someone to help her with ADHD.

    I sent her a shorter list of ADHD therapists and she has finally made an appointment with one of them.

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