My husband, we've been together 10 years has recently been diagonsed with ADHD (a lot fell into place) but the medication has changed him over the last 6 months.

Not for the better, apart from he does a little bit more around the house in terms of housekeeping, but that's the only improvement. 

He also smokes about a gram of weed per day (we live in the Netherlands where this is legal) 

He was always arrogant, but his cockiness really got worse. And in outbursts he talks so much, rambles on and on and gets angry when I don't listen or haven't understood his "directions" or forget everything he said. He thinks he is making sense but I don't always understand the rants, and often I am also working or watching something and I have to stop everything I'm doing just to listen to him. If not, he gets mad. 

I get blamed for everything. I am a saboteur, I don't listen, I don't care..yadayadayada. It's come to a point I am looking to move out. We have no kids that will suffer, only cats.

Does anyone have experiences with a partner who changed on medication? And is there a chance it will change back at all?

My ADHD partner was never easy, but at least he was loving. Now, everything I say or do, he snaps at me. He thinks he can build a basement under our house by himself, and started taking on numerous projects in and around the house. I am trying to let him do one max two projects at the time. It pisses him off (because he has "momentum" and I'm killing it) but I have to manage this otherwise it will become a disaster. I know him to never finish anything. Now on meds he is finally finishing our bathroom after 18 months. But all the new projects are crazy "improvements" we don't need. But he feels creative. I don't want to take that from him, but he's driving me nuts. I just want to scream at him to shut up and leave me alone!

Before the meds I knew how to "deal with him" and now with the meds, all bets are off and all rules have changed. I don't have the will nor energy to start over.

I hope the change is temporary. I can't have a decent conversation with him about this. He will just get angry with me and accuse me of being a saboteur and that I don't want him to be happy. After everything I've done for him the past decade that alone really hurts my feelings and makes me feel I'm wasting my life with him.

I see a lot of similar experiences here, makes me feel I may not be crazy after all. Thank you all. 

Hi everyone,

Looking for input on a problem that resurfaces at least a few times a year between my husband (or possibly more accurately, his ADHD) and me.

I will be working on something, for example fixing something around the house, and I will have mentioned to him that I'm working on it, and often told him about any problems I have run into. Then I will be in the middle of something unrelated, and he will decide to help on the project I have been working on. This would be great, except for a few things: 1) He usually won't tell me he's going to help, 2) He won't check in to find out where I'm at in the process or what problems I've run into, and 3) He won't remember anything I have told him about it. From my perspective, he basically disappears for an unpredictable amount of time (usually leaving me in charge of our young kids without warning). Then one of several related scenarios occurs: Either he reappears to tell me all about how he's been helping, but invariably this includes things that have taken him a really long time because he re-did things I already did and told him about (though he doesn't remember me telling him), does things sloppily because he couldn't find something he needed (though I have previously told him where it is), or made a mistake because he didn't take the time to look something up (often something that I had already looked up). Or alternatively, he will burst back in telling how he found an easier or cheaper way of doing it, but when I extract myself from what I'm doing and check out what he's talking about, I find that he hasn't read the fine print or looked into his option carefully, and it doesn't actually work. Or alternatively, he bursts back in complaining that something needed for the project isn't working and he's been trying to fix it or find a work-around, and when I go to check, I find that he forgot to plug it in or something simple like that. This is all against the backdrop of two kids trying to get our attention, following me around, and asking me tell them what's going on.

When any of these scenarios occurs, I'm frustrated because his lack of communication and poor memory make this really inefficient and unhelpful (despite his intentions) and I'm exhausted by trying to communicate all of this with him amid the chaos of kids. He then gets defensive that I am frustrated, when he feels that I should be appreciative that he is trying to help (which I get). I wish he would just tell me that he's going to help, so I can fill him in, or that he would stay with the kids and let me continue working on it, or that he would work on something else that I'm not working on. But he shows no awareness of how he contributes to my frustration, and no apparent interest in communicating better or making a system to remember things. At this point, I think he and I have had this conversation at least a dozen times over the years, and we always work through it, but it involves more stress and hurt feelings than either of us would like. He's a smart guy, and he's legitimately trying to help, but there is always more to do than there are hours in the day around here, so efficiency and communication matter.

Does this come up in your relationship? What have you tried? Does it work?

Thanks in advance.

Hello,

I'm in a relationship of a year and a half with a man whom I suspect has ADD, or ADHD, it confuses me what might be most accurate.

Signs include hoarding/disorganization, risk taking, impulsive (showing in insensitive comments and other ways) RSD reactions to any issue I express unhappiness about in the relationship)....

We have continual difficulty with communication, and when I express my needs or limitations it seems to fall on deaf ears.  I do not feel I can continue the relationship long term on these terms, and wonder if it is advisable or not to suggest to him that he look into ADD as a possible explanation for the issues he struggles with.

I have been in continual self growth and self awareness during our relationship, and been open about issues I'm working on.  I need reciprocity but also tend to believe that approaching him with this would create another unbearable RSD response which at this point, I couldn't survive. 

Any advice appreciated. 

Has anyone else had therapists that truly don't get how big of a deal ADHD is in a ADHD(him)+neurotypical(me) relationship? Our couples counselor is helpful in some ways but we again asked her for help tonight with navigating the ADHD effect we're dealing with, and she seems to think it's not that big of a deal. I was very clear we know that ADHD-related issues aren't the only problem we have to overcome, and I wasn't saying it was responsible for everything, but it is very front and center in some of our daily struggles, and my partner and I both need help in learning to handle it better. I've talked to my individual therapist about it too, and even she has said that ADHD isn't the important part, and that it's really about communication. Yes, communication is very important, and again, I know ADHD isn't the *only* part, but why don't they understand that it's a really big part?!? Both my partner and I know and accept that he has ADHD, we both know that he is not his diagnosis, but we also know and accept that it impacts our relationship in a big big way. Do people just not understand until they've lived in it? I don't get it. These are therapists. This is their profession. How do they not understand that it's a really big deal?