Recent Comments
- by: honestly - He insists on doing the shopping. It shows he is making an effort. Exercising executive function. He buys stuff nobody likes. Stuff we've said many times we don't like. It sits in the fridge and then we throw it away. He also buys the best stuff - the £4 blueberry jam and the most expensive supersweet apples that only he likes- for himself. He buys the cheapest stuff for us.>>> on Forum topic - ADHD spouse venting
- by: honestly - That's lovely. Small things. That's where joy lives, I honestly believe. x>>> on Forum topic - Happy
- by: Catterfly - Hi Swedish, I'm so glad to hear that you've found a moment of happiness! What you said about lost friends and relatives, and the children's feelings of ambivalence towards you, really resonated with me. I have the same conflicts in my past, and fears in my future. I keep reminding myself that old friends and relatives met the me that was enduring abuse. She was angry and bitter and frustrated that she couldn't find a way to fix the marriage. I only left a month ago, and already I'm looking forward...>>> on Forum topic - Happy
- by: J - for hitting the lowest point in your life, where you question wheather this life thing is even worth it ( I've never contemplated suicide or even entertained that notion ) but you still question it, and wonder what's the use? Then over time, you lift yourself up out of that darkness and start taking the first steps towards living again. Living, where you enjoy life, and everything becomes worth it and your happy again. I've been there, more times than I'd like to admit. So good for you! You're a surviver...>>> on Forum topic - Happy
- by: Swedish coast - So sorry Bluehive. This sounds as if both you and your partner are deeply unhappy. Your ambitions for having a rich and fun life together are impressive - in my marriage all the things you mention, parties, birthdays celebrated out, hiking trips - have been impossible. Of course we do have several children. That puts a relationship under significant stress. I reflect on the unhappiness. It seems to me if the two of you want to feel at ease and trustful around one another, you might need to redefine your...>>> on Forum topic - My partner's new method for dealing with my ADHD worries me.
- by: WildBill2500 - I do leave the garden entirely to my wife, but this year it never even got tilled or planted.I bought the nice and expensive PT 4x4 posts we needed to put the deer fence back up after she ripped it down last year to "do something different". So even that hands off approach has drawbacks and definitive losses. My father was a chronic salesman and bullshit artist. So, I strive to be the exact opposite. Under promise and over deliver. When I say I'm doing something, I do it without fail in entirety usually...>>> on Forum topic - ADHD spouse venting
- by: Swedish coast - I sympathize. I too have seen endless foodstuffs go to waste because of ADD. It sucks. This is what makes it so hard to be a loving non spouse. The waste. The waste of yourself, ultimately. But it's logical, it's the result of disability to plan, prioritize, execute, and in the trunk of a car perhaps also poor spatial skills, something that's dawned on me in recent years. What can be done? I agree it's not realistic for you to micromanage everything yourself. It would probably make you more frustrated....>>> on Forum topic - ADHD spouse venting
- by: J - walls are made to keep people out Honestly.>>> on Forum topic - My partner's new method for dealing with my ADHD worries me.
- by: honestly - I wrote a long and complicated reply here, but in short, the problem is that he won't talk and till you get him talking you can't fix anything, and you know this already! But I wanted to express my sympathy. It sounds very upsetting for you and clearly you are trying to communicate and connect with him and it's very distressing that he's gone cold on you. I'm sorry. I have been with someone with ADHD for 25 years, so I do know that burnout for the non-ADHD spouse is real, and that at times we have to...>>> on Forum topic - My partner's new method for dealing with my ADHD worries me.
- by: slowjammerukdog - So could one of you tell us what the article is called, please? Sorry if I missed it -- I just arrived here. And I have ADHD. Thanks!>>> on Forum topic - Exhausted & Resentful of ADHD Husband!!!
- by: J - First, I want to take back what I said about not being able to relate on this post. The rest, you'll just have to bear with me and give me a little patience. I'll do the best I can to pull this all together. My SO at several times early in our relationship was triggered by something I said. I can't remember what it was, but her response was...."I don't need your permission." It was completely out of context is all I remember....a head scratcher none the less. The other night, when I made an attempt to...>>> on Forum topic - I Don't Know What This Is ? Impending Sense of Doom Con't
- by: honestly - and it also sounds a bit like my experience. When my husband was diagnosed with ADHD his response was similar - maybe YOU have ADHD. (I don't). Or you're terrible at dealing with ADHD (actually, I'm not) Or you're too demanding (I've only ever asked for normal things like basic hygiene, companionship, to be included in his priorities). Try and talk (it's hard if they don't listen). If she's not on meds, aim for that. Are you familiar with the concept of DARVO? Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender...>>> on Forum topic - Book Confusion: Projection?
- by: MelissaOrlov - Hi... Sometimes the parent-child dynamic gets turned around when the woman has ADHD. I believe this is cultural - women in the U.S. in particular are trained, culturally, to feel they are 'in charge' of the home while men are often trained that they contribute in other ways, such as financially, and need to take less responsibility around the home. There is a good body of research on the cognitive load that women carry around organizing family and household and how that is not spread out evenly. Your...>>> on Forum topic - Book Confusion: Projection?
- by: J - about the projection. That does appear to be what your wife is doing from your description. In the book, the chapter on obstacle emotions deals with this. I've had to switch back and forth taking both roles because the two of us have ADHD which gets confusing. As I listened to the book, I know one place I've used projection more than a few times in my past, and that is idealizing my romantic partner. It can be a rude awaking when you suddenly realize they aren't the projection you made them out to be in...>>> on Forum topic - Book Confusion: Projection?
- by: J - I've done so much work on figuring this stuff out, I thought it would be reticent of me not to share the entire story. Hoping this doesn't trigger some of the moms out there ( not my intention ) but it is what it is. This is my attitude as well. You can't always go back and fix your mistakes, but you can use this information to help do something different and learn from. In the 3rd person, as objectively as I can...the rest of this story in reality and more on how this all works. Anxious mom and...>>> on Forum topic - Coming Together
- by: Swedish coast - Shame has been hard on me too. Especially that I unconsciously believed I needed approval from other people to get a divorce. This is painful and I'm still ashamed. It's perhaps because like you, I was taught to not trust my emotions and not place boundaries. I'm an adult, I shouldn't have let those misapprehensions guide me. But let's face it, we're not individuals in a void. We, and I mean mothers specifically, are very much a part of society. Society puts impossible tasks before us. We are supposed to...>>> on Forum topic - Are there other dynamics than Parent/Child?
- by: honestly - thank you, Swedish. There's so much to think about here. I agree it's wrong to hand a child this kind of power; I'm ashamed of having done so, but I made it clear it was my decision to take and I was taking it. She was not making the choice or forcing me. Underlying it all is my experience of narcissistic parenting. I was brought up to understand that other people matter more than me. I see the patterns now but it does not make them easy to break. It begins to look like she might be now siding with him...>>> on Forum topic - Are there other dynamics than Parent/Child?
- by: Swedish coast - It's unjust of him to threaten with suicide. I'm upset to hear it. All these demands on you - that you're to be subservient so he can push you around, and that your daughter thinks you should look after him... none of it seems fair to me. I could never know what's right for you. It just seems to me a child cannot dictate what's possible for a parent to handle, or what's fair. You in my eyes are the most important person here. Since you are the more dependable parent, you are your daughter's safety net....>>> on Forum topic - Are there other dynamics than Parent/Child?
- by: Swedish coast - You can't know how well that describes my past, the fear of social negative experiences with the ex. It's exactly as you suggest. Not only did all the social fun disappear with time in the marriage, but also the relationships with relatives, everything. I had to get rid of all except a few dear close family members of mine, one of his relatives, and a couple of childhood friends of his - the only people he was comfortable with. Like you, I have endless experiences of him panicking before events, being...>>> on Forum topic - Social energy
- by: Off the roller ... - You said it yourself. We only know how to take responsibility and - you forgot a major component - be disappointed by outcomes that are totally out of our control but that we have to 'pick up and take on' from our ADHD SOs. So that meant that over the course of your life together, you learned that when you socialised, as your partners ADHD symptoms got worse (or technically, maybe they just started shining through more and more), the symptoms would impact you in a negative way in that social situation...so...>>> on Forum topic - Social energy