Recent Comments
- by: Catterfly - Hi honestly, Parent/child to me is about who does the chores without having to be asked or reminded, and who has the big picture of the house management? My husband's behaviour is the same as what you describe. There's a lot of built up mythology in our relationship that I was the needy one, or the one who was wrong, when in reality I was seeking his emotional support (and would get nastily thwarted), or was seeking to resolve a conflict which would result in RSD. What you describe sounds like ADHD...>>> on Forum topic - Are there other dynamics than Parent/Child?
- by: J - Being with someone who has ADHD has been a real learning experience for me. Simply put, I experience what must be the same as a Non-ADHD person experiences on the receiving end now. And my first immediate reaction is...."do I do that?". And many times it's yes but maybe just as many it's no which can be confusing at times? Since, we're all unique people in our own way, it goes to figure not all our behaviors will be the same. But there are the stereotypical things that ADHD people tend to do as a whole and...>>> on Forum topic - I want to talk about the hard stuff but just…can’t
- by: Swedish coast - It's so sad that you feel you need to hide your feelings and can't be your true self in the relationship. I'm so sorry. As non-ADHD, I've had this hiding behavior in my ex husband too. When it finally became clear he hadn't been honest with me, about his thoughts and opinions and emotions, I was devastated. Please try to tell her the truth. It may give both of you a chance at saving the relationship. And if it's not possible to save it, at least she doesn't have to realize too late her life has been...>>> on Forum topic - I want to talk about the hard stuff but just…can’t
- by: Swedish coast - Since you write he's scared, shut down, terrified. It looks a lot like a dynamic where he feels criticized and it hurts his self-esteem. In my experience it's not the intentions of the non-ADHD partner that determine if the ADHD partner feels challenged like this. It's perhaps just that a non partner with an undiagnosed ADHD spouse will have non expectations. Expectations that are only what you ask of yourself. These expectations may feel threatening to an ADHD spouse, since they're impossible for them....>>> on Forum topic - Help me understand as the non-ADHD spouse
- by: J - Hi Honestly, I could not come close to explaining this concept better than an article I just found. This is way above my pay grade! Having said that, I recognized self righteousness as the ongoing theme in things you said but in particular...the term "cult leader". The article I'll include, sounds very much like what you described. It also didn't come right out and say it, but it perfectly described some of these TV Televangelists who clearly ( at least to me ) are doing it for the huge amounts of money...>>> on Forum topic - Are there other dynamics than Parent/Child?
- by: J - You're in a tough situation, one I've been in before. When ever I've lead with " What's Wrong?"...it's never ended with a very productive conversation. I try not to say anything, instead of "what's wrong" when that's all I've got. You're basically asking another person what they're feeling in a moment when they may not be feeling anything? Or just going off the look on they're face if it's sour or they're not happy looking. Who knows, maybe they're hot and gassy and uncomfortable and now they're hit with "...>>> on Forum topic - I want to talk about the hard stuff but just…can’t
- by: mike1112014 - Yeah I think my point was misunderstood. I do t pick at my wife by criticizing I ask what's wrong until she finally brings up something she didn't wanna talk about right now or was trying to let slide. criticism in my relationship is unidirectional, I don't criticize my wife and she does criticize me, tho not unfairly. I'm incapable of participating in a real back and forth like that because I get physically weak at the idea of confrontation with her. I think she will leave me and I will be left with...>>> on Forum topic - I want to talk about the hard stuff but just…can’t
- by: honestly - Thank you, Swedish. It helps to hear that. It does sound quite similar to my situation. X>>> on Forum topic - Are there other dynamics than Parent/Child?
- by: Swedish coast - I think about you Off the Roller ❤️>>> on Forum topic - the inconsideration...my lord
- by: soloequestrian - I'm not sure why I would need to challenge his self esteem?>>> on Forum topic - Help me understand as the non-ADHD spouse
- by: Swedish coast - It seems you're not afraid. That makes it easy for you to remember all the good times in your relationship. I did this too, with an ADD partner who felt I had been awful, by pointing out his weaknesses and shattering his confidence. I loved him, I could never imagine what would happen. As having spent less than a year in recovery from a nasty divorce from this person, I can only softly hum a warning. You might not feel any danger yet, you are loving, capable and confident. But an ADHD partner who feels...>>> on Forum topic - Help me understand as the non-ADHD spouse
- by: Swedish coast - Parent-child is a narrow description that I feel can't cover my ex-relationship either. In your case, it's clear that an ADHD partner can show dominant behavior. I partly share that experience. My ex husband was always very assertive in his fields of interest and profession, that among other things included child-rearing. He made me feel small at times in our family. In the end, he treated me with contempt. Between us, there was this increasing gap in which fell things he had set opinions on, but no...>>> on Forum topic - Are there other dynamics than Parent/Child?
- by: soloequestrian - (I wrote an answer earlier and it disappeared?) We've managed pretty well for around 20 years and the bits that were not so good I can see in hindsight may well have been heavily influenced by ADHD. If this is the issue and we can manage it I think we have a good chance of having something special.>>> on Forum topic - Help me understand as the non-ADHD spouse
- by: soloequestrian - We managed nearly 20 years with (probable) undiagnosed ADHD. It would explain the majority of the not-so-good bits. If we are able to manage those better the relationship has potential to be great - most of it was good anyway. I'd like the opportunity to explore that and if it's not going to work then to separate in a thoughtful way, hopefully maintaining some sort of friendship, not with bafflement and radio silence.>>> on Forum topic - Help me understand as the non-ADHD spouse
- by: honestly - I'm sorry this isn't an answer to your question, but rather another question. What do you want to get out of this situation? I think it would be really helpful to reflect on this a little. Could you ever get what you hope for from this relationship, even if you reconciled? I worry that by trying to woo him back, however generous and loving your impulse may be, you might simply be opening yourself up to further pain.>>> on Forum topic - Help me understand as the non-ADHD spouse
- by: c ur self - After 16 years I've asked mine to leave, (she has a empty house, so she is getting it fixed up to move in to) I have no real good reason for why I waited this long...Just hoping and praying that one day a light would come on...I kind of went through stages....anger and attempting to fix it.....finally acceptance and boundaries......But, when a person is lock in a self centered mind, (mostly blind to the feelings of others, and complete indifference to their responsibilities as a spouse)....It's really no...>>> on Forum topic - the inconsideration...my lord
- by: 1Melody1 - Hey Off the Roller... for me, I really had to accept that the only one who could change my situation was me. I had to give up hoping he would be willing to do anything differently. I tried for years to encourage him to improve our relationship, address the ADHD, work with me to ensure both of our needs were met in the relationship, etc... but his actions clearly told me he was not willing/able to work on anything. So if he wasn't going to change, that meant all change must come from me if I wanted a...>>> on Forum topic - the inconsideration...my lord
- by: J - I've written things a few times in the summary so you're not alone. Don't sweat the small stuff! I did go ahead and read a few things in your past comments that caught my eye. Me, having ADHD as well, could relate well with many things you said. Especially about being wounded from being criticized so many times when you're growing up and your comment about "piercing a metal shield" of protection. These are all good things for me to hear because I'm experiencing some of the very same thing from my ADHD SO...>>> on Forum topic - I want to talk about the hard stuff but just…can’t
- by: Swedish coast - So sorry. I agree with J in that a company can be expected to use you and cares nothing for you. It's still possible to have an enjoyable work life - if your personal life makes some room for your needs. But this you describe sounds like double impact from a rigid and demanding spouse and a rigid and demanding boss. None of them respects your individual self, or your boundaries. And even worse, you have to handle both these forces within your home. Then you have no safe place, or relief. I've been ...>>> on Forum topic - the inconsideration...my lord
- by: Catterfly - Hi Off the Roller, I was where you describe for a long time. Several years at least. Things were horrible but I told myself that sharing custody of the kids would be much much worse - because then I couldn't protect them from his emotional disregulation. The kids are savvier than we think, though. Over New Year's this year, they asked me to leave him. Not that they don't love him, but they couldn't take the rages any more. That was a huge catalyst for me. Coupled with that was the fact that he...>>> on Forum topic - the inconsideration...my lord