Recent Comments
- by: honestly - I feel sometimes that I am being especially harsh and even stupid about this stuff, but I am baffled. You get the two good years when you're their hyperfocus and they can't do enough for you. Treats and trips and thoughtful little gifts. They get the dopamine hits from being nice to you, so they are at that time capable. Then when you're in an established relationship they get bored, dopamine lessens and they can't be bothered any more. They could bother if they chose to - mine can organise trips for...>>> on Forum topic - Angry at ADHD Husband - Not Understanding Priority Setting
- by: Catterfly - Last year I designed a trip for my husband and I to the east coast. I booked a hotel overlooking a historic harbour, with a cute town to explore, amazing hiking trails and views, and of course the fish restaurants! There was a moment where he told me he didn't want to go exploring, instead wanted to watch TV in the room. I left him and went down to the roaring fireplace in the lobby, overlooking the harbour. Curled up and read a book. For the rest of the trip, I felt like he was following me around...>>> on Forum topic - Frustrated and unhappy
- by: Catterfly - You don't have to forgive him at all. You just have to find a way to not seethe when you have to be with him for the kids. I left my husband about three weeks ago, so can certainly relate. I'm trying to rechannel all of that seething energy into activities for me. Yoga, a hike (which I'm doing by myself now!), boxing (so cathartic when done with other middle aged women), a hair cut, etc. Tomorrow I'm planning to stick a lawn chair into the creek and sit there and read for a while. Simple silly things...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness
- by: Swedish coast - I appreciate it. It's true, he doesn't deserve forgiveness, neither has he asked for it. I think the desirable end in this is painless contact. Now, I can't bear to see him because his casual attitude hurts me like a red hot iron, and so does the clumsiness of the friend we still share and who spoke a lot with him first during divorce and got the picture everything was amicable, and so elephanted into her first talk with me post divorce and crushed me completely. The pain! I won't ever be casual around...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness
- by: Swedish coast - You're right. He will never provide me with anything I need. It's too late for that kind of thing. The insecticide incident makes my hair stand on end. It's just dreadful! Thank you so much for taking time to answer. It means a lot to me.>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness
- by: J - I'll just quickly put some context to the points you made. The "I don't want to hear excuses" comment came when I was first attempting to introduce her to some things I've recently learned here. Specifically, the burnout cycle which I believe she suffers from too and is partly responsible for her "grouchy" moods as she refers to them. Which is also part of the anger issues that I was having with her. I was actually referring to myself as a way to ease into the topic instead of just hitting her with it by...>>> on Forum topic - Communication Missing the Mark
- by: honestly - You don't have to forgive him, but maybe you need to come to your own peace, for your own sake. And that will take time. Regarding his ignorant attitude to your pain - that sounds just like a friend's (non ADHD) ex who eroded their marriage with day to day selfishness and then torpedoed it with an affair, and now behaves as though everything is perfectly reasonable and they can all be grownups about his new partner and their new 'blended family', when in fact his kids are truamatised and his ex wife's life...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness
- by: honestly - We should totally hang out! I recently realised that the memories me and my husband have made as a couple are mostly of box sets we've watched together. I find my joy elsewhere and have for years. Outdoorsy stuff with friends or wider family or my kids or by myself. I'd take myself off to read more often, but he tends to get offended, but he accepts it if I have a long bath with a book, so I do that quite often. I had been very, very lonely in my marriage. Accepting that it was not going to bring me...>>> on Forum topic - Frustrated and unhappy
- by: Off the roller ... - First, I want to say that I'm so sorry. I can read/hear your pain and want and need of internal peace and it feels like it should be in grasp but it's just out of reach. I've been following your story. I know you've been following mine and while I know you are in a very different place in your journey, my first thought is that it's only been a year. IN fact, if i'm reading it correctly, it's not even a full year and there are kids and having to co-parent and this will all affect how its processed and how...>>> on Forum topic - Forgiveness
- by: honestly - Hi J. I was really struck by a few words and phrases here. Like 'micromanagement', ' controlling', 'not resisting' and 'comply.' These are all about power. From what you describe, the power dynamic between you is very out of kilter. And as for 'I don't want to hear excuses'; I would certainly not speak to my partner like this, ADHD or no ADHD, no matter how upset or frustrated I am with him. Neither would I speak to my children like this. I would not be able to live under the level of scrutiny you...>>> on Forum topic - Communication Missing the Mark
- by: J - Before I completely forget. Thank you for responding to me. I really appreciate the feedback and will take everything you said under advisement. I do understand what your saying too....and it's all good things to keep in mind. Thank you>>> on Forum topic - Communication Missing the Mark
- by: J - This literally just happened so I'm taking the time to illustrate how this goes. I'm out in the garage organizing and cleaning up my shop space. I've allocated my entire weekend to do this and its coming along great. She comes out from work ( she works from home today ) to see how it's going. She asks me if I'd open a box of cat litter that arrived and break down the box to get it out in the trash for tomorrow's pick up. No problem, I'm in the middle of doing just that as we speak. I reach down and pick...>>> on Forum topic - Communication Missing the Mark
- by: J - I'm actually pretty clear on what's happening and why but not exactly sure how to confront her on it without things going into a defensive posture. The few times I've tried, I've received a hard push back. These are the few tense moments where anger has flared. Neither one of us has had a melt down where things have gotten out of control but...all real communication has failed and no resolution has come from me voicing....I'm doing the best I can. Here's the run down: -She's very particular about her...>>> on Forum topic - Communication Missing the Mark
- by: J - I think you're spot about the RSD and I've considered that into the equation. But remember, she has ADHD too, so that's where things get a little sticky. I'm just considering that she may have RSD too and with two people trying to avoid conflict at the same time....I cam pretty quickly see where communication can become difficult. In essence, both feeling and doing the same things for the same reason at the same time.....if that makes sense? I think this could be part of the equation too? I think at the...>>> on Forum topic - Communication Missing the Mark
- by: honestly - He has also frequently accused me of being passive-aggressive. Obviously intention and reception are different things, and if that is how he's receiving my behaviour then that's valid, but at the same time I don't think there is literally any way to communicate with him other than lavishing him with unmitigated praise that would not be received as an act of aggression by him.>>> on Forum topic - Communication Missing the Mark
- by: honestly - Aside from everything else, do you think it's possible you might have RSD? They way you describe your thought process is kind of what I understand my OH's to be, and he definitely has RSD. I may have got the wrong end of the stick but it sounds to me that your partner is trying to communicate with you as gently as possible about something that matters to her. But the manner of her communication is offending you, and the thing that matters to her has not landed with you as important. This is what my...>>> on Forum topic - Communication Missing the Mark
- by: FrustratedSpouse - I have been married to who I believe to be an undiagnosed ADHD spouse for 36 years. Our 29 year old daughter was diagnosed last year and shared the information with me. It explains so much of my frustration with my husband through the years. How could he hear that I feel like I manage everything, and that I love when someone else takes the lead to make plans, and never hears me enough to take the initiative to act and plan? When I read about ADHD and how they don't get positive brain signals for...>>> on Forum topic - Angry at ADHD Husband - Not Understanding Priority Setting
- by: J - I was so curious about the concept of mindsets, starting with Growth vs Fixed as mentioned in this post, I started doing some searches in relation to political affiliations. * I promise, this post has nothing to do with politics, just more curiosity. When I ran across a study showing which mindset was associated to different affiliations ( conservative or liberal ) I saw mine and noticed another one called Outward Mindset, which was attached to Independents which is what I am. I looked that up and...>>> on Forum topic - "No man is free who is not master of himself " - Locus of Control
- by: J - Just a quick note that came in late ( as usual ) about my description on how my SO and I operate as a team. If I'm not mistaken...I believe this is an example of interdependence in action. ( at least around household chores ) I could have simply said....interdependence feels good when things are not out of balance. And trading off lack of sex in exchange for interdependence is a fair trade. Living life by intentionally J>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
- by: nt_syd - you have really painted a picture there about your relationship but im sure there is also so much more. I can relate, being in a situation that has some similarities. Im reluctant to offer advice, I certainly dont have all the answers and i only know what you have been able to say in a short post. Also, im pretty late to the discussion., but anyway.. perhaps a useful way to approach your problems is to keep in mind that marriage is an institution with its own set of scripts and expectations that itself is...>>> on Forum topic - Autistic woman living with ADHD partner - please help!