Recent Comments
- by: Catterfly - Swedish, I've been following your journey with admiration. I know how hard it's been for you, as many of us here, and thanks to your honest and vulnerable posts, I understand what I'm up against once I leave. It's by no means the panacea that we hope for, at least until we process the trauma. But at least it gives us time to do so. I look forward to the day that you say you're doing better. Til then, we're all here to find a moment of peace and support together. I send you my very best wishes that...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: Catterfly - Thank you, swampyankee, you're so right about this. We get raised to learn that we help our spouse "through sickness and health" - but there's a line that is crossed when they're the cause of the sickness, and especially when they've clearly passed it on to the next generation. Thank you for your thoughtful comments.>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: Catterfly - To all who replied so quickly, thank you so much. I needed to hear the tough love (stop over analyzing and go now!), the validation from all of you that this is really terrible and it doesn't matter what I've done to deserve it, or whether I've done enough to help him, your stories of tragedy (sickandtired, I'm so devastated for you and your sister), and your stories of hope (1Melody1, I'm so glad to hear that your daughter is thriving after you left). You've also given me a framework to think of this...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: Swedish coast - To me, rage episodes seemed a last resort when my ADD ex-husband had exhausted himself and still couldn't make himself understood or approved of. I imagined rage is a desperate measure in the face of failure. A mind struggling in a world without rewards. It was sad, and I could understand that with enough frustration and pain, rage will surface in many of us. I thought rage was manageable, even though it couldn't be reasoned with and couldn't be made to follow any decency rules. Like an anxious dog can...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: 1Melody1 - Echoing everyone else here - get out as soon as you can. I think your daughter's idea of distance is a good one if legal and reasonable (won't upset the other daughter, won't take you far from your support system). I would say don't blame yourself. Most of us got to the darkest places slowly and getting out is never easy. Sometimes it takes an event. You are doing all the right things and there are massive weights on your shoulders right now, so be kind to yourself. My ADHD ex had no ability to hold...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: swampyankee - Although he hasn't turned violent, my husband's dysregulated temper tantrums, rants, and rages have always been traumatizing to me and to my children, and they have always been my fault in his mind. Even now that I've told him in no uncertain terms that I will not have that kind of energy in my life anymore, he still can't see that his reactions are his own and not "caused" by anyone else. I am still "doing stuff to him" in his mind. And until he does own his own actions without trying to blame others...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: sickandtired - I am so sorry you and your daughters have to endure his rages. How can he not realize his rages are traumatizing you all daily? I agree with others here that it doesn't matter what causes his rages. My ex raged daily about everything, large or small, and it was always my fault according to him. His rages traumatized me as a 60 year old educated worldly woman. I still have flashbacks of his abusive words almost 9 years after I broke up with him and forced him to move out of my house ... I can't imagine how...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: adhd32 - It doesn't matter what causes his deplorable behavior, it is affecting the entire family. It is terrifying to witness a raging person. I cannot imaging the depth of your daughter's anxiety from being subjected to his out of control behavior on a daily basis. He is abusive. Stop trying to rationalize this and save your children. Look into therapy for ptsd for yourself and your children.>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: c ur self - Waiting until a behavior is grating on us to the point we are emotionally stressed, is the very worst time to address the behavior...Even if a spouse is very wrong w/ a behavior, they like us all don't want to feel scolded like a child...That in it self can produce defensiveness....Any time we address behaviors are habits w/ an adhd mind...It's best to do it in a calm moment...With their full attention (make sure you are being heard)....And do it calmly, quickly, and to the point...And w/ add minds it's...>>> on Forum topic - Advice on dealing with stream of consciousness talking
- by: Swedish coast - You describe dramatic months. So sorry it has developed this way. I share an experience of the relationship having taken so much damage, once diagnose and medication and awareness happened, trust and intimacy were in rags and couldn't be restored. As non-ADHD, I've been blamed for the entire thing by my ex husband. He's accused me of constant abuse and making him lose his will to live. I on my hand have felt his inconsistency, rage and deceit have almost destroyed me. There will never be closure in...>>> on Forum topic - Undiag ADHD spouse finally decides to get help possibly 16yrs too late
- by: Swedish coast - Catterfly, what terrible news. I can't grasp the level of pain. Nothing can justify your husband's attitude. He is concerned with his pride more than the survival of his child. It's a moral abyss. ADHD or not, I wouldn't care what the reason is, there is no excuse for it. He also shows a shocking ignorance and lack of ability to process information in a crisis. Please get yourself and the children out of there immediately. Lawyer up. Get the medical team to witness. You probably find yourself here by ...>>> on Forum topic - I HOPE and PRAY this is rock bottom
- by: J - I'm only one person with ADHD, so I can only speak about my own experience but yes, intrinsic motivation can definitely can be learned. For me, I started learning it at 6 years old competing in sports. No one made me, in fact, if my parents had tried to make me I probably would have quit. It was 100% my decision and I could quit without consequence any time. I continued for training and competing for 12 years when I graduated high school. The lessons I learned from this stayed with me for my entire life...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: Catterfly - Hi YM, I can't relate to this directly since my ADHd spouse mostly just avoids me and hides in his office. However, I have a job where I have the joy sometimes of hundreds of emails a day. I think the record is about 500. I dealt with it by scheduling email time in my calendar (daily), and adding to my auto email reply that I will reply in a certain window, either today if urgent or tomorrow - and also that they could text me if severely urgent. So I recommend doing something similarly proactive down...>>> on Forum topic - Advice on dealing with stream of consciousness talking
- by: YM - Thank you for that thought. I'm sure I can find a way to point it out kindly when it gets too disruptive, especially if we have a conversation about it to get permission to point it out.>>> on Forum topic - Advice on dealing with stream of consciousness talking
- by: StandingFirm - I have read words and phrases that have been in my head for so long, living with an ADHD spouse. Roller coaster of emotions, having to be on our toes to prevent or dodge a rage, tiptoeing around to not set them off. And exhausted. So much exhaustion from all of that and the patience...i want just one conversation free from defensive or narcissistic responses, walking away, blame. hang in there.>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: The Bull - 3 month update: Situation turned for the worst. The person I spent 16 years with is now gone and looking back at what I originally wrote is interesting to see where my mind was back then. Every hopeful thing she said seems like it was a way to keep me at bay so she could finalize her move. It went from unsure to "I was just doing it to make you happy" "I've felt like I've never been in charge of any of my decisions" "I checked out months ago". I embraced the situation 2 months ago and decided to look out...>>> on Forum topic - Undiag ADHD spouse finally decides to get help possibly 16yrs too late
- by: Swedish coast - >>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: Swedish coast - Thank you for replying Swampyankee. I'm so sorry you have this very same experience (the 22 years is our story too). Im struggling with stress still eight months after divorce. It's been so upsetting living with his fallouts, denial and occasional high functioning (that only made me angry in the end - it's hard to respect the necessity of a wheelchair in a person who occasionally walks and thinks nothing of it). My nervous system seems to have been re-wired to constant fight or flight mode and I've become...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: swampyankee - Swedish coast, this exactly. My spouse is brilliant. He's a great actor, he is a brilliant botanist. He's well spoken and he's...all those things. But at life and relationships? He's not. We're at the beyond breaking point now. I told him I was done...at which point he finally said he'd seek a diagnosis. But even if he did that now...it's way, way too late. I've had patience for his failures while being brilliant for 22 years and that well has dried up. I (and you) deserve a life uncomplicated...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?
- by: Catterfly - Hi FinallyCrushing, You're such an inspiration. The fact that you're here, trying to learn about ADHD and how it has affected you, and making adjustments to how you operate in the world, is a game-changer. If I'd ever heard an apology from my husband, or a recognition that his rages are misplaced, then things would be different. But he is in complete denial. In fact he comes to this forum but doesn't see his own behaviour in the "extreme cases" people are describing. Including my posts. Thank you...>>> on Forum topic - Does the medication really help?