Recent Comments
- by: Catterfly - I asked my (then undiagnosed) husband when we got married to please, please, PLEASE make a small surprise for me on our honeymoon. I told him I needed him to do something - anything - that I could remember going forward and know that was his contribution to our memories of the wedding. He had let me down on everything else he was supposed to do for the wedding/honeymoon planning. I only assigned him one task that was up his alley (ie music), and asked for his input on the other decisions, and he didn't...>>> on Forum topic - Angry at ADHD Husband - Not Understanding Priority Setting
- by: Swedish coast - Honestly, you certainly have a point. I also wonder at the ADD incapacity to see the harm they've caused. I got a lot of "your feelings are not my responsibility, they're yours" at the painful end of our marriage. That whole concept of ignoring the pain you've caused by deceiving and using a trusting person makes small horns bud on my forehead to be honest. True, it might be just as useful to describe the oblivious ADD person as a selfish git. The end result for a spouse is the same either way.>>> on Forum topic - Angry at ADHD Husband - Not Understanding Priority Setting
- by: honestly - I agree with Swedish. But I also know that selfishness and ADHD can look and feel identical (My mum calls my OH's ADHD 'SGS' - selfish git syndrome). And really does it matter what the intention is, or if it's caused by one neurodivergence or another, when the effect is so hurtful (and they are well informed enough to know and do better)? My own experience has been very similar. I have got past the hurt and now am in a state of resignation and inertia. I don't think there's a fix, tbh. I've just got...>>> on Forum topic - Angry at ADHD Husband - Not Understanding Priority Setting
- by: Swedish coast - I'm so sorry about this. I have had the same experiences with my ADD ex husband. It's spot on and so typical for the ADD I've seen. If unable to prioritize, plan and decide, an ADD person is happiest if they can string along with somebody else's plan. Which means a friend's ready-made plan is always preferred to a plan the ADD person needs to take some responsibility for. Yes it feels selfish to a spouse. Yes it's almost unbearable to feel your needs are not a priority, let alone shoulder the unfair...>>> on Forum topic - Angry at ADHD Husband - Not Understanding Priority Setting
- by: Peacefull111 - OMG I just looked up enmeshment and this is exactly what it is and how I feel, thank you so much for your comment. Yes somehow because of his adhd I have felt responsible for him and his emotions and making sure he was ok. All while losing myself and not taking very good care of me. Now that we are apart I feel like a can focus on my life again and truly find myself and my self worth. Not being responsible for him or his problems is definitely different for me but I know it's for the best and what is...>>> on Forum topic - I’m ashamed to say..
- by: J - I do enjoy a lot of physical intimacy and I am profoundly happy with her. Isn't that the definition of ambivalence? I think the only real answer here is to accept it, and adjust to it. Either that or find someone else or just leave. Will I truly be happy? I am already happy. Would I be a little more happy if I had exactly what I wanted? Maybe so. You can't always get what you want.... But if you try sometimes....you get what you need.>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
- by: Swedish coast - It seems you don't find sex crucial, enjoy a lot of physical intimacy, and are profoundly happy with your partner? That seems to me to answer your own question. Congratulations, I wish you the best of luck!>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
- by: Morgenmuffle - Hey Peaceful, I don't know if you are asking for advice or just venting. I understand your feeling hurt because you feel you caused hurt. You did say you've been trying to break it off for years. You also said he did a lot of stalking ("he would create tons of new numbers and emails just to stay in touch"). This is unhealthy. You sound programmed to take responsibility for his feelings. I've been in therapy for several years now and I am finally learning that I am not responsible for other people's...>>> on Forum topic - I’m ashamed to say..
- by: J - that I already figured out, has to do with social norms. One is a fallacy of logic and a related one I'm calling the "should be trap" for lack of the correct name. The fallacy of logic states: just because many believe something to be true does not mean it is so. Followed by the "should be trap"which is about deviations to societal ( or religious ) norms. I know this one well. I stayed in a failed marriage because I made a promise it was for life. Without that promise I was desperately holding onto, I...>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
- by: J - Not only with rejection in the area of sex, but even being tested by the marriage counselor my ex-wife and I were seeing. I had also gone a number of years with very little sex with her. Actually, the frequency wasn't much different as it is now. Which is one reason I was already assuming the worst. Back then, I would definitely consider myself hypersexual. My ex even accused me of being a sex addict but was told by a sex therapist, on her insistence, who said no....but you're way up there in sex drive...>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
- by: J - I'll definitely give your book suggestion a read. It sounds interesting and possibly exactly what I need. And yes, I am happy to have found someone who compliments my weakness' with her strengths and vise versa, we fit together well in that way. It's pretty balanced overall. The division of labor is nearly seamless. She cooks, I do all the grocery shopping.( yes all ) She does the inside cleaning of the house, I do all the outside like mowing, trimming ( every week religiously. ) I never miss a week....>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
- by: Swedish coast - I imagine meeting a partner in middle age would always mean adjusting to that someone's set ways. That could be limiting, but also good. If it's stated outright what you both need, that could make you feel safe. You would both enter a marriage with your eyes open. On the other hand, it's always seemed to me it's hard for a person to feel sexually rejected, whatever the reason. Are you sure you won't feel hurt by this? I understand your hesitation to marry celibacy, simply because you state physical...>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
- by: Catterfly - Hi J, You need to have a really honest discussion with yourself about what you can truly accept happily. Many people live like this (some of us here have for years), and marriages can work if neither party feels neglected. If you're a reader, I've read a book that helped me grapple with this a bit: Sexual Intelligence by Marty Klein. To sum up, sex in middle age and beyond won't be what it was as a teenager. So for many couples, the definition needs to be redefined as they age and they may need to...>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
- by: Catterfly - Hi Off the Roller, I have a close relative who has always lived like this. I remember as a child, not being allowed to open certain doors in her apartment (including an entire bedroom) for fear that items would fall out and cause injury. Today, she's in her 80's and it has progressed to a situation like what you would see on TV (hoarders). I bring this up because through working with her and trying to help, it's become clear to me that all of her stuff is actually unfinished projects. The garbage...>>> on Forum topic - When their dopamine rush affects you negatively
- by: J - Just a reminder, so far in what I've said happened on day 2 of a brand new relationship while everything is fun and new and there's no past history of anything even close to an argument or disagreement. So far, I was very excited just to be there with her. We didn't have sex for another week which was fine with me, I was actually overjoyed. But as time wore on, the intervals became longer and longer beginning that very week. I was beginning to get concerned because I'd been there before but never right...>>> on Forum topic - Need Help With Ambivalence
- by: Swedish coast - What a striking coincidence in your circle of friends, Catterfly! I smile at the new lives of your friends. With your resilience (I truly admire how you've handled recent events) I'm sure you will thrive in a little while.>>> on Forum topic - "No man is free who is not master of himself " - Locus of Control
- by: adhd32 - Realistically he isn't going to become organized but the clutter does not have to be everywhere. Acknowledge his tendency and set some rules for his hoard. If he has a space in your home consider having him containing his things there. If something ends up in the livingroom, dump it in his room. Consider a clean up day where everyone pitches in to get things organized inside and out. Clear a space for yourself that is off limits to him so you can feel calm somewhere in your home. Throw out the clutter...>>> on Forum topic - When their dopamine rush affects you negatively
- by: Catterfly - Hi Swedish, I don't think your lack of power or foresight was a weakness. More like a strength that didn't work in this one situation. I recently reached out to three of my women friends who've also gone through a divorce in the last three years. A doctor, a city councillor, and a biophysicist (and me, an aerospace engineer). All high functioning women whose roles require optimism, creativity, and an ability to see the possibilities. I think this has generally served us well. But, guess what? All...>>> on Forum topic - "No man is free who is not master of himself " - Locus of Control
- by: Swedish coast - The differences of a fixed and a growth mindset has played an important part in my ADD-non relationship too. Whenever the relationship took damage, I tried to save it. My ADD ex husband used to be defaitist about it. Whatever happened, he seemed to conclude it was out of his reach. He could see our divorce coming for many years, while I was busy creating a life for us. I would assume the fixed mindset can be a result of having failed so much, you have no confidence to make change. Or it's actually...>>> on Forum topic - "No man is free who is not master of himself " - Locus of Control
- by: adhd32 - You must accept that your behavior scarred your wife. You must accept that she is a whole person, apart from you, who is able to decide what is best for herself based on her experiences, past and present. You must accept that you cannot change anyone but yourself. You must accept that your life is not going back to what you had together even if she acknowledges all the work you are doing for yourself (which is commendable and will improve your life regardless of your marital situation). As far as...>>> on Forum topic - Resentment and Divorce - Need help!