Recent Comments
- by: Mamashazza - I'm really grateful to know I'm not alone . I know it's not comforting bud you described my 36 year marriage in ways I can no longer pen or wish to hear myself speak. It's sad to think I'm soo tired from the experiences of the constant highs and lows, love hate & poor parenting that hurt us all.. Sad that my suffering included self harm attempts as a means to escape and cope . Knowing that suicide became the most common thought every time we would do this dance and it was a cycle of frustration...>>> on Blog entry - What Does the "Child" Role Look Like in Parent/Child Dynamics
- by: Catterfly - Your words are so wise, Roller. I needed to hear them; I've been so angry lately. I love how you've reframed this into understanding and enforcing boundaries. It's such a positive and empowering paradigm to operate from.>>> on Forum topic - Numbness and apathy
- by: Off the roller ... - Haveaniceday, I could have written this. We are one and the same. Same marriage, same exact position right now and I too, am wondering if the work and effort needed for my marriage to survive this will be worth the effort that i will be required to make (and expect/require/coddle for my spouse) with the knowledge that we just aren't sure or confirmed if our marriages will ACTUALLY survive and get through this in the end. The sadness is grief. And you have to treat it as such. I signed up and completed...>>> on Forum topic - Numbness and apathy
- by: 1Melody1 - I think being in relationships like this can make us feel crazy and make us question ourselves. But our gut knows when things aren't right. If you struggle finding a right-fit couples therapist right away I wonder if getting your own therapist might help in the meantime. When I first went to therapy myself it felt so good to be heard and validated. Finally someone validated that certain dynamics and behaviours were not okay and didn't try to make me shoulder blame I shouldn't or demand I continue to change...>>> on Forum topic - How to Know if a Therapist is the Right Fit?
- by: Catterfly - You seem like a very empathic person. You clearly love your husband and are concerned about honouring his feelings. Even the time you took to brainstorm safe running options is evidence of that. On the flip side, your husband hasn't been able to put himself into the mind of a toddler that wakes up and finds themselves locked in the back of a vehicle with their siblings. That alone could be very very frightening to a child. It's so disappointing that your therapist didn't validate your feelings and...>>> on Forum topic - How to Know if a Therapist is the Right Fit?
- by: Catterfly - Hi Murph, What you're going through has some elements of what many of us have experienced: divorce threats, impulsivity, and emotional abuse. But this sounds really extreme. I wonder if something else (in addition to or besides ADHD) is going on. Is this a standard pattern of behaviour for her? Or is it something new? Regardless, this behaviour is obviously not ok and you need to take steps to protect your physical health and mental wellness - as well as for your son. I'm sorry you're going...>>> on Forum topic - Undiagnosed ADHD and threats of divorce
- by: Swedish coast - I agree with Melody. Get rid of the therapist. I know who I'd choose in this case to take care of children and it's neither your husband nor the therapist. All the best to you.>>> on Forum topic - How to Know if a Therapist is the Right Fit?
- by: Luvs2Run - One thing that has always really felt hard is feeling like I don't have freedom. When plans are changed on a whim and not communicated often it means the whole house has to revolve around his schedule. Something I've tried to do more and more is just go through with my plans.Even when it's hard and even when it feels like it will be less fun without him. Often, when he sees that I'm going to move forward with the plan without him he decides to join in. Sometimes he doesn't, but the more I do things by...>>> on Forum topic - The frustration in communication!!! >:/
- by: Swedish coast - I wish he would find some good treatment that will take some of the load off you. Take care, you are precious.>>> on Forum topic - Numbness and apathy
- by: Luvs2Run - That's really validating. As much as I want to be better about accepting that there's more than one way to look at things I think having my barometer for reasonable challenged is a huge part of what feels so awful. It's a huge trigger that makes me feel crazy and so angry when I know that my perspective is reasonable and my husband claims I'm being unreasonable. I think that's why having the therapist sort of invalidate that reasonablity really felt terrible. It's like...ok I already have to ask myself "Am...>>> on Forum topic - How to Know if a Therapist is the Right Fit?
- by: Haveaniceday - Thank you Swedish coast, your posts are always so informative, tender and honest. You are right, I feel quite spent. I hope that my latest non-negotiable of getting therapy for himself, and then us finding a therapist together (I refuse to do the legwork alone) might still happen. I feel like I just have to sit in this space for now and wait, restore my energy, connect with myself again, and be on more stable footing before any huge decisions can be made. I hope that you are slowly but surely finding...>>> on Forum topic - Numbness and apathy
- by: 1Melody1 - I'm sorry but his plan for the children was 100% unacceptable. That's not at all safe or reasonable. It's a selfish decision. It sounds like his drive to run is so strong that absolutely everything else must bend to accommodate it. Who cares if four other people are negatively affected as long as he gets his fix?? To disrupt the children by dragging them out in the heat at that hour is ridiculous. They are much too young to be left in a car at a distance even without the heat. He wants strollers and iPads...>>> on Forum topic - How to Know if a Therapist is the Right Fit?
- by: Swedish coast - Incredibly scary. I don't know what to do. Even when I tried to behave like I wanted, I came rolling out undignified from the disgusting mess that was our communication.>>> on Forum topic - The frustration in communication!!! >:/
- by: Swedish coast - I disagree with this therapist. No one I know would approve of your husband's plan of tearing small children out of bed in wee hours to leave them in the car. Any parent I know would instead ask a friend to babysit for an hour if they were really addicted to their running. And most parents I know wouldn't prioritize their running over their children or their partner's need to have a few days off once in a while. Even if there weren't any acute safety issues involved, it's just a strange plan that would be...>>> on Forum topic - How to Know if a Therapist is the Right Fit?
- by: Swedish coast - I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. To me it sounds like you've entered a survival mode, and it seems time in this marriage is still eating away at your strength and joy. You and your spouse definitely don't deserve this, nobody would. I know what it's like to spend all your mental and physical resources on preserving a love for a good person but still see it wither away. It's so heartbreakingly disappointing, you don't want to believe it's true. No matter how strong you are, I doubt you can turn...>>> on Forum topic - Numbness and apathy
- by: Catterfly - Hi Off the Roller, I can't tell you how much this post meant to me this morning. What you described sounds like exactly what I'm going through. I've finally realized exactly the same thing (I think): that I've become bitter and angry and I'm not living in alignment with my self. I've taken the summer off work to be with my daughter, who isn't well. But as I've been thinking through how to help her heal, I've realized that I need to heal myself, too. So in parallel I'm going to take myself on a...>>> on Forum topic - The frustration in communication!!! >:/
- by: Haveaniceday - This hits me so hard. Our marriage has been a series of starts and stops financially because my husband has chose to work in his passion, which is neither financially great nor gives much time for us as a family. I think that working with one's gift and passion is amazing, often think that this capitalistic society can really kill people's souls, but also think that sometimes one just has to grow up and do what is necessary. My husband literally wont change what he does (he has major self-limiting beliefs...>>> on Forum topic - Financial Matters and Frustration
- by: Neuchatel81 - I do appreciate your comments. This has been going on for SO long that sometimes I feel as if I am the entire problem. I have always handled the household finances since he bounced checks in the first few months of our marriage (when I had never bounced a check before). As long as I do not question him, all is just fine between us. It is only when I ask about his business and profitability that all falls apart. He told me the other day that "profit" is not his goal with his business - once again I am...>>> on Forum topic - Financial Matters and Frustration
- by: Neuchatel81 - I realize I do need boundaries. They have been attempted previously, but when it comes down to it, he always justifies what HE wants without regard for any prior mutual agreements. It is difficult to make a stand even though I am confident. When he gets angry, he loses all reason, everything is black and white, and I am told I am the issue since I do not believe he will change. Another good discussion point for my therapy appointment tomorrow.>>> on Forum topic - Financial Matters and Frustration
- by: 1Melody1 - "How do I determine if I am being unfair to want a stable retirement income ..." I know you're really close to this situation, but to an outsider, it's extraordinarily clear that you're not being unfair. A business that hasn't been profitable for 5 years? That's an instant no-go - especially when you're nearing retirement. There is no more discussion. There are other ways to make money and it's time for him to shut this down and get a job that brings in predictable earnings to fund your shared retirement...>>> on Forum topic - Financial Matters and Frustration