Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • You've been a b!+c# all week (or all day) or (all month) or ??? by: overwhelmedwife 9 years 10 months ago

    For the longest time, I have scratched my head when my H would be unreasonable/yell/etc and then he'd excuse his response by saying, "you've been a bitch all (week, month, day, etc).    I would think back and wonder what he was talking about because I had not been "bitchy".....as a matter of fact, H will proudly tell others that I'm always in a good mood, and that I never nag.  (which of course, leaves others scratching their heads because of his complaints about me then don't fit with that.)  

     

    Now that our kids are old enough to  "chime in" they'll often say, "mom hasn't been bad at all."  (Of course , H should never call me a bitch in front of our kids (or anytime) but he has no self-control.  )   Having our kids back me up reassured me that I wasn't missing something.  

     

    But, over time I've come to realize what is going on.  Part of this is the "now, not now" thing going on.  IF H is mad about something, that is NOW, and therefore in his mind....everything.  So, if he thinks I'm being a bitch right now, then in his mind that is "all the time."   That is the NOW.  

     

    however, there is another aspect....what H thinks is "being a bitch" is not what a normal, healthy person thinks is being a bitch.   If I have to politely tell H to "wait a sec" because I'm doing something and can't stop to come to him at that moment., or if I have to politely put my finger to my mouth as a "hush" sign when I'm on the phone, then he thinks that is "being a bitch".   He also hates it when I'm near a noisy thing (washer, dryer, dishwasher) and I have to ask him to repeat what he just said from across the room.  He finds many normal things upsetting and jarring.   .  

  • Boundaries and learning to not be controlled by anger by: I'm So Exhausted 9 years 10 months ago

    I must admit, I re-read some words last night that I had originally thought would be a huge catalyst in sending my relationship in a new direction:

    "If you keep your boundaries, those who are angry at you will have to learn self-control for the first time, instead of “other control,” which has been destructive to them anyway. When they no longer have control over you, they will find a different way to relate. But, as long as they can control you with their anger, they will not change."

    This is a quote from the book "Boundaries."  http://www.boundariesbooks.com/articles/boundaries/others-resist-your-bo...  (HELLO MR. ADMIN.  I am not sure if this link is allowed.  If it disappears, I will realize it needed to be removed :)  )

    I surely was NOT prepared to have had to deal with resistance for 4 years.  LOL, I guess I STILL thought I had some sort of control over this relationship.  Let's see, the Peace-at-all-costs game was a bust.  Maybe the opposite will be the answer.

    Where I am, is in a place of disappointment - that my change in behavior did little more to improve my relationship than the other behavior patterns I had been doing.

    The light bulb of understanding popped on today.  My change in behavior has lifted my self-esteem 99%.  

    From my perspective, I do not want to be in a relationship with a man who is angry, who denies things, and will not admit his behavior has anything to do with our relationship problems.  Thus it is possible that the answer will be that I will leave, and he may not care.  OK, I think he will care to some degree, but not enough to want to make it better.

    As I have said often enough recently, and find it a very painful sentence to type:  It is a bitter pill to swallow.  

    Liz

  • Hyperfocus wear off? by: -Colt40 9 years 10 months ago

    Hello I was hoping I could get opinions and experience pertaining to the hyperfocus in a relationship. Does this ever end or wear off or is this extreme display of affection and attention carry on into a marriage, and if it does wear off is it gradual or suddenly? What attitude is the hyperfocus replaced with? Thank you in advance! 

  • Why didn't I see this coming? by: lolli 9 years 10 months ago
  • Moms and their daughters by: I'm So Exhausted 9 years 10 months ago

    Four years ago, my daughter got very angry with me when I shared with my family - meaning my son, my daughter and my spouse - how I realized the error I had made in playing the peace maker and always relenting/giving-in/swaying to my spouse's anger so he could be happy;  how I realized I was NOT doing a good thing;  how doing that  had backfired on me major big time.  I let them know I was determined not to be controlled by my spouse's anger - and I know it would be rough - but I was sure the outcome would be positive.

    My daughter was angry with me.  She thought I was being mean.  She thought I was ruining our family.  It was even the catalyst that propelled her to find her own  apartment quicker than she had originally planned. 

    My daughter got married 18 months ago.  When she was dating her husband for the 4 years prior to their marriage, we always teased her about how she was "marrying her father."  She and her Daddy have a special bond, so it always brought her a chuckle. 

    It became quite obvious there was some sort of 'trouble in newlywed paradise' over the past Holiday Season.   Tension was thick, and they were icy towards each other.  My daughter did not want to talk to her mother about her marriage.  My son-in-law insisted they had just had an argument, and . . . . . .he was not backing down.  

    Last night our daughter tearfully shared her pain:    She gets no validation for who she is and what she does.  No shared household chores.  Feeling at the bottom of his attention after video games and weekends with his buddies.  And most painful for me to hear:  "The only way we ever end disagreements is if I go and say I'm sorry, because I don't like him being upset." 

    At age 23, she is seeing a counselor alone "to work on herself because she cannot fix him."  

    I had previously told my family that I respected all of their feelings about how our marriage got a  major upheaval - BUT, while I would listen to them vent, my son and our daughter had no place interfering/trying-to-fix my relationship with my spouse.  I would listen to their frustrations, but I would not take sides.  They love their Dad, and I know they love me.  

    Hey, I am not doing a good job with my own relationship with my spouse.  I have no great words of wisdom for my daughter.  I tend to feel a bit guilty - but I know she is a grown up and has to make her own decisions.  I got her back, I will love and support her - in whatever choices she has to make.

    It is a nightmare that I didn't see coming.

    Last night my spouse made a random statement - "Well her melancholy-ness can't be helping much. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."

    Can't change him.  Can't make him want to see.  

    I can only make decisions for myself.  It HAS been calm here at our house - as I have steered clear of anything that would be conflict.  

    This is where I got.  This is why I lost all hope.  

    God help us all. 

     

    Liz

     

     

  • Are you having problems with your boyfriend/husband by: lianina12330826 9 years 10 months ago

    After 9 years in marriage with my hubby with 3 kids, my husband started going out with other ladies and showed me cold love, on several occasions he threatens to divorce me if I dare question him about his affair with other ladies, I was totally devastated and confused until a old friend of mine told me about a spell caster on the internet Dr. osas who help people with the relationship and marriage problem by the powers of love spells, at first I doubted if such thing ever exists but decided to give it a try, when I contact him, he helped me cast a spell and within 24hours my husband came back to me and started apologizing, now he has stopped going out with ladies and he his with me for good and for real. Contact this great spell caster for your relationship or marriage problem at spirituallove @ hotmail . com. Goodluck

     

  • Do I Stay or Leave by: KYLEEJO25 9 years 10 months ago

    I need some serious advice. I am struggling so  much mentally and I don't know what to do. I have been with my ADD partner for 4 1/2 years. We share 5 girls, 3 are his from a previous marriage and 2 are mine. We have a son who is 3 together. Since I have met him, my world has been turned upside down. I lost a home I built with my exH, went bankrupt, have moved 3 times due to not paying rent and being evicted, and now luckily have a VERY patient landlord or we would have been kicked out already each month we are behind on rent. I have a full-time job and make relatively good money. He has had odds and ends jobs, and is currently starting a new job today that he promises will bring in good money and we will no longer need to worry anymore. He has two court dates later this month, and faces a misdemeanor and felony charge. He was a salesman for a construction company. He is very good at manipulating and getting people to trust him. He got many people to give him money for work he promised to do and then never did it. He got me involved in a few of these lies. He talked me into writing bad checks to one of them and he would give me the money to put in my account, but never did. Talked me into lying for him telling them he was very ill, or had the materials in a location, but just couldn't get to them. Each time I thought this is the last time I'm bailing him out, but I wanted to help buy him some time to do the right thing. I had charges pressed against me once as his wife because he told the customers he and I were married. I also told another man I would take over his payments and since I was trying to pay all of our bills and didn't have any extra money, he also pressed charges against me, I never even met the guy.

    Last July we became engaged, but since had to pawn my ring he got at the pawn shop to have some extra money. He is obsessed with his hobbies of fishing, golfing, playing baseball, and anything really other than spending time with his family. We have all of our girls together ages 10, 9, 8, 7, and 5 every other weekend. Every time we have them he tries to plan something to do and have his niece or dad come to our house to watch his kids. I have started trying to plan other activities with my two girls and our son so that I don't have to be responsible for all of the kids. The first 3 years, I would always give in and stay home most of the weekend to take care of them all. Since we don't have much money, I could  never take them to do things, so we would just stay home. After awhile of doing this, I just started getting tired of it. I feel bad because a lot of times his children are left behind to stay home, but I don't have a vehicle that can fit me and six kids, nor do I have the money to always pay for all of us.

    We are always broke, he talks very mean to me when he gets upset. He has belittled me and attacked everything he knows I'm insecure about to break me down. When he is upset, anything goes, and he will say whatever he can to hurt me as much as he can.  After years of fighting like this, I have started to dish it back and say awful things to give him a taste of his medicine. Since I have started to do this, I have gotten beat up pretty bad by him once, and just recently he cracked at least one of my ribs. I know he is very insecure because I have never seen him naked ever, and he has never taken his shirt off infront of me. We have intercourse with lights off and usually he is never naked. We rarely have any foreplay, and when we do its because he is drunk.

    He isn't very nice to my two girls. Says things to get to them, teases them non-stop, doesn't really talk to them unless he has something sarcastic to say or he is scolding them. He has rarely been there for me to pick them up or take them to a function if I'm in a bind. I have always had to get my ex or my mom to help me. I try to treat his kids as a step-mom, even though I'm not yet. I have taken them on dates to get clothes, out to eat, fun stuff. I often have to pick them up or take them places. I watch them quite often without him being around because he has things he wants to be doing. I talk to them about their lives and what is going on with them. I feel like they trust what I say more than their own father because they know I am going to be honest with them and stick to my word. Our kids have hear a lot of fights. A lot of mean things being said, a lot of swearing, normally on  his part. I try not to raise my voice and swear, but I know I have.

    Our son has the worst habits ever and he is encouraged by his dad. He swears, every swear word there is, and he knows how to use it. I scold him, and his dad laughs at him. He says he loves him, and I know he does, but he isn't a "father." He doesnt care what he eats, if he is potty trained, what comes out of his mouth, etc. I feel like my fiance is our 7th child and I'm the only adult. I'm so frustrated, scared, hurt, unhappy, and depressed that I don't know what to do. We aren't married yet, but we share a son. I feel like almost every need I have is not being met as a partner, but I also know that I don't want to split up another child from a home with both mom and dad. I am basically the only one caring for our son. I get very little help. Having my kids only part of the time kills me. I hate watching their games and activities alone without having the other person that loves them as much as me by my side to experience it. Do I want to do that with my son too?? I don't know how to fix things anymore. I feel like I have so much anger and resentment that I can't even be close to as loving and patient as I once was. I have zero respect for my fiance because he has never provided for our family in 4+ years. He has done very wrong things to a lot of people, and hurt me in so many ways. How do I try and form a relationship when the other person chooses the wrong things time and time again?? Please help me.

    Thank you!

     

  • Does any of you experience what I am? by: c ur self 9 years 10 months ago

    I'm going to list some common behaviors of my wife's, she is a severe add, and may have some other undiagnosed issues as well, not sure. I want to see if any others out there experience similar things w/ your mates....I'm just wondering if others experience what I do....

    1) Hoards things, leaves stuff laying around, very messy, gets emotionally attached to items that were the kids, or her parents..Has a story from the past about all her stuff, likes to share stories about her childhood when showing me stuff.

    2) Struggles to get sleepy ( side effect of adderall to some degree, but, has the problem even when failing to medicate) I can be reading the paper and her iPhone can start alarming loudly right by her head, and she won't here it....She will hit snooze for two hours are more.

    3) A common theme for her is to jump up w/ say 45 minutes to get ready and leave...If I speak to her while she is getting ready, she will stop getting ready, engage me, and then get loud, when she realizes she has stopped getting ready, and blames me:)

    4) Drives to fast, because she's usually running late....runs to the time clock most days....

    5) She gets addicted to things easily...Like snacking, takes a lot of Tylenol, Advil, TV, Solitaire on the computer for hours...Really anything to keep from being constructive.

    6) She lives in a world in her mind where she talks about traveling out of the country, and wants me to go with her, but she doesn't realistically manage her life and finances in a way she can. She has a storage bin she rents, that she just filled up w/ junk no one would want and pays 90.00 a month for the rent.

    7) She has accepted most of the boundaries that I tell her are firm and non-negotiable, but, when our two son's are in town will use them to support her independent projects w/o telling me. So what I guess I'm asking is if your mates work around you, in things you won't be their enabler for?

    8) Has a sincere desire to control... Just about anything? Vacations, restaurants, doctors, corrects my grammar all the time (conjugating some verbs not my strong suit ;)...Somehow I think she gets her self-worth from this...Does anyone else deal w/ this?

    9) Very competitive...Always answers my questions about her irresponsibility with this....Well you do so and so....Never wants to own her behavior....You can't discuss what happened two days ago w/ her, because she can't remember,, but will fight you about her being right...:) She misses her appointments for doctor's and such a lot...She loses stuff all the time, and will make it your fault if you let her;)...When she jumps up rushing to get ready, I might as well go for a walk, she will want me to do 4 or 5 things most days.(will you fix me a sandwich, will you make me a smoothie..etc. etc...) If it means getting up early enough to be responsible for her own meals and needs, she will go to work hungry, or eating micro-wave outmeal out of a cup while she drives...

    10) Lives in denial about most of this list so, basically discussing it only produces a flight or blame syndrome in her....If I waited on her to cook or clean Oh well, it would be bad around her...I basically live like I'm single most of the time when it comes to laundry, meals, cleaning most daily chores...I retired at age 56, so that helped...I've been able to slow down to some degree...She's the only friend or family member that thinks I should be working, and the only one who can't see how busy she keeps me...LOL..

    11) And then there's the little things, that go along w/ add....Like the Britta pitcher, she will put it back in the Frig. almost empty every time..

    12) She is post menopausal and has low sensitivity and very little desire (takes me for ever to try and help her finish) for sex...Not the case for me, so I just deal with it all....

    How about y'all...Any of this sound familiar? 

  • ADHD Rage by: BaT 9 years 10 months ago

    There was a post a few years back I just read and I am hoping the conversation can start again.  I have ADHD (diagnosed at 36 - now 38) - last night I had another out of body experience raging at my beloved for a silly nont important reason - because his approach is to not enagge with me - I get hurtful and provoke the fight.  I feel sick afterwards and then self-depricate until I am depressed for the next day.  It is a terrible cycle that repeats and repeats - I know I am a good person and that I want to make things work - yet I cannot bear to think he is throwning his life awy with someone like me.

  • I can't do this anymore by: Katiemouse 9 years 10 months ago

    Hi there

     

    I have been living with an ADHD spouse for close to 25 years.  I can't take the abusive behaviour or refusal to take responsibility anymore.  Even today I found out that he has been stealing money from me.  Of course, he denies it, and says he "intended to pay it back".   I feel used.  I don't even think he likes me, I'm just necessary because he can't run his own life.  He is happy to live in this hell oif a relationship because he disassociates, and when he can't do that, he becomes aggressive.  I have three children who are suffering but I need to leave because he won't go and I'm dying inside, but  I feel that I don't have the coping mechanisms to deal with this breakdown and I am thinking of taking my own life.  I thought I could live without relationship - that we could just exist under the same roof, but two weeks ago my loneliness hit me broadside and I feel like I'm going mad.  I realised I have gone for years without kindness, tenderness or value - or just someone to talk to.  What would it be like to have someone who actually enjoyed my conversation, who wanted to be with me?.  I have become just an object.  Now I would willingly pay someone just to hold me for a while.  How do I start again at age 46, when most of my best years seem gone? And how do I deal with the pain of my children?

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